You can expect the slump the box office has been in to end this weekend, thanks to a little arthouse film called “Jackass Number Two.” It’s a Paramount film (and how proud they must be), so I won’t have a review of it for you until later this afternoon. I strongly suspect that you already know whether you want to see it, though.

[EDIT: Sure enough, here's the review.]

When I was last in Utah visiting my brother Jeff, our sainted mother was there, too, and while channel-surfing Jeff made the mistake of pausing on an episode of “Jackass” (or perhaps one of its spinoffs). We were just in time to see one of the idiots get his each of his butt cheeks pierced, and then fastened together with a thin metal rod. All viewers were traumatized.

Also opening today is what Jet Li says will be his last big-budget high-flyin’ action movie, “Fearless.” This one screened a few weeks ago, but only for a couple of specially invited critics. There was never any subsequent screening for general press, nor even a public promotional screening. Make of that what you will. I’ll try to get to it today or tomorrow.

Now for movies I DO have reviews of. “Flyboys,” starring James Franco as an American flying for France in the early days of World War I, is well-meaning but heavily generic. “All the King’s Men,” starring Sean Penn as a flawed Louisiana politician in the ’50s, is not well-meaning: It wants to win Oscars, and seems to have been made for no other purpose. Alas, its designs will fail, as it’s not very good.

Opening in a few markets today and going wider next week is “The Science of Sleep,” Michel Gondry’s follow-up to the wonderful “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” It stars Gael Garcia Bernal as a Mexican-born man living in France who has trouble separating his dreams from reality, and it’s just as whimsical and imaginative as can be. It was one of the highlights for me at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, and I might just go see it now that it’s available.

“Feast,” a horror comedy made during Season 3 of “Project Greenlight,” is opening in select theaters today — and playing only tonight and tomorrow. Then it’s coming out on DVD on Oct. 17. Why bother with the theatrical release at all? Is it to avoid the stigma of going “direct-to-DVD”? All I know is, I’m not going to bother reviewing a film that a) is only staying in theaters for two days and b) I can watch on DVD in three weeks anyway if I want to.

More first impressions of the new fall shows.

“The Class” (Mondays, CBS): Premise: To celebrate the 20th anniversary of the day he met his fiancee, a Nice Normal Guy hosts a reunion of their 3rd grade class. Fiancee dumps him at the party; guests at the party reconnect with each other; a sitcom is born. What’s unusual about this one, which stars the uber-likable Jason Ritter as the Nice Normal Guy, is how much focus seems to be placed on the people as characters and not just as punchline delivery systems. In the 22-minute pilot there were several decent laughs and some genuine poignancy, too; kudos to the actors for doing so much with their characters in so little time. TiVo verdict: Season Pass, at least for now.

“Standoff” (Tuesdays, Fox): It’s a drama about FBI hostage negotiators, with the added twist that the two lead negotiators (a man and a woman) are secretly dating each other. The first episode suggests the focus will be on hostage-related crises, not personal ones, and that’s a good choice. Pretty good tension with the standoffs, mild surprises in the way they’re resolved, and the characters are likable enough. I won’t watch it every week, but it seems light and enjoyable enough to catch now and then. TiVo verdict: Low-priority Season Pass, ignored if something more urgent is on.

“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (Mondays, NBC): Never having watched “SportsNight” or “The West Wing,” I was personally unfamiliar with the legendary writing talents of Aaron Sorkin. Now I see what I’ve been missing: sheer genius. My friends, THIS is a TV show! It’s set behind the scenes at a “Saturday Night Live”-style sketch comedy show, focusing on the backstage drama and mayhem that go into working for network TV. The dialogue is fast-paced and snappily written, the energy high, the acting (by Matthew Perry and Amanda Peet, notably) impeccable. It helps that it’s about one of my favorite things — the inner workings of TV — but even if it were something else, I suspect I’d find these characters and situations fascinating, so compelling is the writing and direction of the show. TiVo verdict: Season Pass.

The Online Film Critics Society, in honor of its 10th anniversary, recently held a survey among its members to determine the best 100 movies of the last 10 years. We all worked to produce a list of 400 worthy films from 1996-2005, and then everyone chose their personal top 50. Now those top 50 lists have been used to compile the group’s official Top 100.

(The Top 100 is finished, but it hasn’t been announced yet. I don’t know why.)

Here is my top 50 list. I didn’t spend hours and hours on it, so I don’t know if every single film is exactly where it should be. For instance, is “Kung Fu Hustle” (#33) necessarily better than “The Royal Tenenbaums” (#34)? Or should they be switched? I don’t know. But in general, the order of the list reflects my true opinions.

I count seven animated films, one documentary, six foreign-language movies, three musicals, 10 films that played at Sundance, and three movies with “Lord of the Rings” in the title. I’m surprised there are that many cartoons, not surprised there are that many Sundance movies, surprised there aren’t more foreign films.

What films that aren’t included here would be on your top 50 for 1996-2005?

Eric’s Top 50 Films of the Past 10 Years

1. Fight Club
2. Toy Story 2
3. Waiting for Guffman
4. Memento
5. Requiem for a Dream
6. About a Boy
7. Moulin Rouge
8. Far from Heaven
9. A History of Violence
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
11. Spider-Man 2
12. Run Lola Run
13. Spirited Away
14. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
15. Kill Bill, Volume 2
16. The Incredibles
17. Road to Perdition
18. 28 Days Later
19. About Schmidt
20. Adaptation
21. Billy Elliot
22. The Blair Witch Project
23. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
24. Life is Beautiful
25. L.I.E.
26. The Triplets of Belleville
27. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
28. Sin City
29. The Iron Giant
30. The Sixth Sense
31. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
32. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
33. Kung Fu Hustle
34. The Royal Tenenbaums
35. Being John Malkovich
36. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
37. Brokeback Mountain
38. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
39. Dark City
40. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
41. The Game
42. Kill Bill, Vol. 1
43. Shaun of the Dead
44. The Spanish Prisoner
45. Super Size Me
46. The Sweet Hereafter
47. Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter Jr.
48. Nobody Knows
49. The Saddest Music in the World
50. Hedwig and the Angry Inch

While combing through the digital catacombs of my computer files, I found something I’d forgotten about: BAD 9/11 POETRY.

You see, after the 9/11 attacks five years ago, people who had theretofore never written poetry decided now was the time to start, as a means of expressing their grief, anger and sorrow. But instead of putting those poems in their diaries or sharing them with friends or lighting them on fire, they instead mailed them to the newspaper where I worked, apparently believing that in times of national crisis the newspaper would become a literary journal and starting publishing poetry on the Letters to the Editor page.

Well, we didn’t publish poetry, and the editor of the opinion page instead handed all the submissions over to me. He figured I’d know what to do with them.

Here are a couple, reproduced exactly as they were received. Note, of course, that it is not the sentiments that are fodder for mockery, but rather the inept and sentimental way they are expressed.

(For more, click on the “Bad 9-11 Poetry” category on the right-hand side of this page.)

Untitled
by Joshua Erickson

Somewhere there are wails of grief
Death’s handsome crop to reap
The aching cries of those alive
The dying who long to sleep

The frigid air though summertime
The icy pain a knife
The chilling loss of innocence
The colder loss of life

The weapon forged of ignorance
The victims very own
Metal birds with bowels of flame
Into the foe were flown

The giant toppled to the ground
A mortal wound perhaps
Someone hopes he will not stand
And aims for his collapse

Somewhere there are angered souls
Whose eyes are filled with tear
In their hands a sword is drawn
Defiant though in fear

In their hearts a patriots flame
Unquenched by acts of war
With retribution on their lips
The giant stands once more

Justice must be meted out
To satisfy the dead
The serpent’s venom bruised thy heel
But thou shalt crush his head

Somewhere there are wails of grief
And somewhere shouts of glee
Though devils taunt and hell gapes wide
Free men will be free.

* * * * *

Declared Tumble
by Bob Faux

Tumbling towers freeze our minds,
Landing on our soil.
Tears flow, coast to coast,
In them we toil.

On us war’s been declared,
Who’s our enemy?
Let us employ thoughtful thought,
Wav’ring who it be.

Some say good can come
From world hunt.
Let us, hand in hand,
Grasp united front.

* * * * *

Bob Faux used to write letters to the editor on a regular basis, most of them as incoherent as his poem. “Let us employ thoughtful thought/Wav’ring who it be”? What does that even MEAN? And how do you “grasp [a] united front”? What does the title, “Declared Tumble,” mean? WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOB FAUX?

I’ve activated the comments feature for this blog, enabling readers to share their witty rejoinders, accusations and expressions of disapproval on the very pages that inspire them. Soon we hope to have comments enabled on the entire site, too, including the movie reviews and “Snide Remarks” columns. But for now it’s just the blog

I’m also going back and retroactively allowing comments on past blog entries. I have to do it manually, though, so it will be a couple days before ALL the old blog entries are comment-friendly.

You do not have to register to comment. You do have to provide a name (not necessarily your real one) and an e-mail address, however. The e-mail address is not published with the comment; it’s simply a way for the database to identify you. The first time you use a name and e-mail address, the comment will have to be approved before it’s published. But once you’re approved, all your subsequent comments will appear instantly, provided you use the same name and e-mail address. So it behooves you to choose a name and address and stick with it. If you change either one, you’ll have to be approved again.

Also, if you use swear words, your comment will be flagged and I’ll have to approve it before it’s published. I believe I have the capability to censor the swear words, but the likelihood is greater that I will simply delete the comment altogether. So no cussing.

In other blog-related news, over the past few days I’ve gone through and sorted the old entries into categories. So if you’re bored and want to browse through all the entries dealing with, say, book recommendations, it is now an easy thing to do.

I noticed something interesting in the trailer for the new version of “My Friend Flicka,” which is just being called “Flicka” this time. Now, I don’t appear to be the film’s target audience — I’m neither a young girl nor a fan of country music, and both of those elements are featured in the ads — but here’s what I noticed.

At one point Tim McGraw angrily asks his daughter Alison Lohman, in regards to the untamed mustang called Flicka, “How do you know a damn thing about that creature?!” And Alison Lohman replies, “Because we’re the same!” You see, she and Flicka are both rebellious and wild at heart and live on a diet of oats and hay.

A few seconds later in the same trailer, we see Tim McGraw’s wife, Maria Bello, ask him, perhaps rhetorically, “When are you gonna look at your daughter and realize that she’s you?” Father and daughter are a lot a like, is what Maria Bello is saying.

But if X=Y and Z=X, then X=Y=Z. If Alison Lohman and Flicka are the same, and Tim McGraw and Alison Lohman are the same, that means Tim McGraw and Flicka are the same, too. And Tim McGraw HATES Flicka! Doh!

No new column this week, sorry. The one I was working on didn’t come together the way I thought it would, and since I’m not obligated to publish anything I didn’t want to publish something subpar.

I have lots of good bloggy stuff to post, though, so I’ll try to clear some of that out this week. It will be like “Snide Remarks,” only bloggier.

I would like to call your attention to two very funny Web sites I’ve recently discovered.

First is The Comics Curmudgeon, a daily blog in which writer Josh Fruhlinger discusses a couple of that day’s comic strips, usually bashing them (quite humorously) for their ineptitude and/or unfunniness. Josh is particularly obsessed with “Mary Worth,” hates “B.C.” and “The Family Circus” (doesn’t everyone?), and is recently fascinated by the trainwreck that is “Pluggers.” His observations are astute and witty, and he posts copies of the strips he discusses in case you haven’t seen them.

It was actually a link on that site that led me to this one: Spamusement!, in which artist Steven Frank draws cartoons inspired by the actual subject lines from spam e-mails he’s gotten. Many of the subject lines are meant to be suggestive and/or dirty (”Give her more meat” says one), so Frank’s cartoons are always the opposite (a forlorn woman looking at a dinner plate with a tiny chicken leg on it).

The first cartoon is dated July 15, 2004, and the first several show that he was still finding his way. Once he got going, though, the cartoons were often laugh-out-loud hysterical, and the archives are a great way to kill an hour.

I’m particularly impressed with Frank’s imagination. Take the subject line “they like to take turns,” for example. The cartoon will surely involve two people or animals (Frank likes animals) taking turns at something, right? So what does he draw? Mayor McCheese, with two birds taking turns chomping bites out of his hamburger head. (What the?!) Or the subject line “I did it again,” which leads to a cartoon of a man cursing himself, having just stuffed a cooked turkey into a mailbox. (What the?!) The cartoons are almost all like that, surprising and delightful and absurd.

As I’ve mentioned in previous entries, for some reason I often get e-mails from people wanting contact information for famous people. Raven-Symone’s fans are the worst about it, though other celebrities have been requested, too. It’s never anyone huge like Brad Pitt or Will Smith. It’s always mid-range celebrities. I guess people figure even if I DID have Brad Pitt’s e-mail address, I wouldn’t give it out. But Raven-Symone, sure! She’s not THAT famous.

Anyway, these stupid requests became so frequent that I finally had to put a notice on the page from which you can e-mail me that reads:

STOP: If you are going to ask Eric how to contact a celebrity, DON’T. Eric has no such information for ANY famous person. If you ask him anyway, despite this warning, Eric will write back and tell you how stupid you are. And he’ll be right to do so.

That has curtailed the requests considerably. Yet still there are people who slip through. The other day I got this one, from someone signing her name “Temmy,” with the e-mail address “dollies_04eva@somethingsomething.com.” She writes:

Continue reading…

Four wide releases to deal with this week, so let’s get a-crackin’.

First, “The Last Kiss” is a Paramount product, which means my review won’t be available until about 3 p.m. today. Check back then. [EDIT: Sure enough, I posted it just after 3 p.m. You can read it here.

The real big news this week is “The Black Dahlia,” director Brian De Palma’s first film in four years. There are people who are rabidly devoted to De Palma, dissecting his every film as a new masterpiece, justify its lousiness in any way possible. I think he usually makes trash, but he usually makes it very well. “The Black Dahlia” is like that: exceedingly well-made, yet in many ways completely worthless. (”Carrie,” “The Untouchables,” “Dressed to Kill” and “Scarface” are among his previous films, if the name doesn’t ring a bell. He directed the first “Mission: Impossible” movie, too.)

Meanwhile, The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson) stars in “Gridiron Gang,” which is yet another inspiring sports movie about yet another underdog team. I saw this film accidentally, believe it or not, back in August. I knew there was a screening of SOMETHING at 7 p.m. one Thursday night, and I thought it might be “Material Girls,” scheduled to open the next day. But nope, “Material Girls” didn’t screen at all (nor should it have), and what was playing was “Gridiron Gang,” fully four weeks before it was set to open. It was probably an attempt to create word-of-mouth, which is a shame, because I don’t think I mentioned the film to anyone during those four weeks.

For animation fans, 2006 has been both great and terrible. Great because there have been so many animated films (eight so far, with more on the way), and terrible because so many of them have been mediocre. Add “Everyone’s Hero” to that list. It’s a movie about a talking baseball, for crying out loud. I’m also a little miffed that Raven-Symone has a role in it, because mentioning her in the review will increase this site’s Raven-Symone quotient on Google, which will result in more e-mails from stupid Raven-Symone fans. (Which reminds me: I got another one the other day that I need to post. It begins “hey wots raven symone email address,” but it gets better from there.)

“In the Dark” continues to be a useful weekly e-mail full of the latest reviews, DVD releases and other vital movie-related info. If you have not yet subscribed to it, surely now is the time to do so. It’s free, of course; we just like seeing the list of subscribers grow. Makes us happy.