If you wanted to make a website devoted to film, what would be the ideal location for it? Why, Film.com, of course! And if you wanted to drastically improve the quality of Film.com, whom would you hire to write reviews and commentaries three times a week? Why, Roger Ebert, of course!

But he’s busy, so they have me instead. Starting today, you’ll find two articles and one review per week from me, posted approximately every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The first one is here. Enjoy it, won’t you? And won’t you also make Film.com a regular stop in your Internet travels? It’s a fine site for light-hearted movie commentary. And they do TV, too — crazy, I know, given the URL, but it’s true.

Sunday was Totally Stupid Day (as some Provo jerk dubbed it years ago), also known as my birthday. How did you celebrate it? Did you think of me? I know I did!

One way I celebrated was by putting the finishing touches on today’s “Snide Remarks” column, entitled “You’ll Laugh Your Smirnoff!” I hope you find it edifying.

I also spent some time recording the audio version of the column, which was more complicated than usual owing to the nature of the column (which you’ll understand when you see it). I had to do different voices and everything! And I kept getting interrupted, what with all the well-wishers telephoning me to wish me well. It is burdensome to be so beloved!

Also, Lady Dawn made me a cake. She used to be a pastry chef, so she knows what she’s doing with regard to cake-making. It was devil’s food and it was delicious. Say what you will about the devil, but he’s got his act together food-wise.

Way back on Friday, I watched and reviewed a couple of unscreened new films: “September Dawn” and “War.” “War”: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Same goes for “September Dawn,” actually. Not Lady Dawn, though. She’s good for makin’ cakes!

I should have an exciting announcement later today, so stay tuned! (No, it is not that I am pregnant or getting married.)