LA Weekly’s Nikki Finke writes a blog, Deadline Hollywood Daily, that is renowned in some circles for its catty gossip and bafflingly off-the-mark observations. I’m a little late to the Nikki-bashing party, but I was so struck by her lead sentence in today’s post-Emmys item that I had to share. She writes:

It doesn’t surprise me that last night’s Emmys ratings fell to a record low, since I fell asleep right after Ray Romano’s monologue and missed the broadcast entirely.

What does this mean? Does she think the show’s ratings are based entirely on whether she watched it, and since she fell asleep, well, obviously the ratings would have to be low? Does she think her inability to stay awake past 8:15 on a school night reflects on a general trend of narcolepsy among TV viewers? What? What, I ask you?

OK, OK, the point she’s trying to make is that the show was boring — so boring, it put her to sleep, haw haw! Which would be an excellent derogatory comment to make, if she were a 10th-grade English student talking about “The Grapes of Wrath.” Grown-ups — or professional entertainment writers, at least — should understand the weakness of the “it put me to sleep” argument. Namely: You fall asleep because you’re tired, not because something is boring. Ask a doctor. Or just think about it logically. If your body doesn’t need sleep, you’re not going to doze off, no matter how boring something is. Saying that you fell asleep during something says NOTHING about the quality of the program. You must just as well say “That movie made my feet hurt” or “The Emmys gave me gas.”

Nikki’s point about the Emmys being dull is valid, but she sure expressed it in a dumb way.

“Boo hoo! A guy from the team I hate hates the team I love! Boo hoo hoo!”

Amusing story in the Boston Herald today about 10-year-old Red Sox fan Griffin Whitman, who attended his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game on Friday. Afterward, he managed to snag Yankee outfielder Shelley Duncan for an autograph — and the picture at right shows what Griffin wrote:

“Red Sox Suck! Shelley Duncan.”

The kid soon called the waaaahmbulance, and his mom had this to say: “This is someone who wears the Yankee uniform and is on the payroll and should be setting an example for 10-year-olds.”

My thoughts:

1. While I don’t follow sports very closely, it is my understanding that the Red Sox do, in fact, suck.

2. The antagonism between the Yankees and the Red Sox has existed for decades. If you show up wearing Red Sox paraphernalia and ask a Yankee for his autograph, you get what you deserve. I mean, what did he expect? “Thanks for supporting a team that hates us! After shouting obscenities at me and my fellow players for nine innings, I’m glad you took the time to request my autograph! Love, Shelley Duncan.”

3. If the kid were a TRUE Red Sox fan, he wouldn’t even WANT a Yankee’s autograph. A true fan would pretend to want it just so he could get close enough to break the Yankee’s kneecap.

4. “Shelley”? Really? Huh.

This week’s “Snide Remarks,” entitled “Uncle Shrek,” has to do with the bathroom but is pleasant to read nonetheless. I think my mom will like it because it mentions her. On the other hand, it mentions her in the context of implying she is senile. It must be such a mixed blessing, being my mom.

Does it seem like we’ve had a lot of bathroom-related columns recently? OK, I guess it was just the one about pee from about six weeks ago. And then I’m thinking about the colonic column, but that was well over a year ago. So never mind. We’ve been having exactly the right number of bathroom-related columns.

Anyhoo, you can listen to me read the column to you with my very own voice through the futuristic SnideCast technology at the top of the page. You can also hear it here, or subscribe to the weekly “Snide Remarks” podcast with this URL.