Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone XIV
(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
How have I allowed four months to pass since our last installment? It is shameful of me. That is why, even in the midst of all the more pressing tasks (i.e., the ones that pay $$$$) that I have before me, I have taken the time to compile another batch of hilarious e-mails. As always, my favorite parts are in bold type. Enjoy!
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
Oct. 14, 2007:
HEY RAVEN MY NAME IS GORET AM 13 YEARS OLD AND U ARE MI ROLE MODEL.
I LOVE YOUR WORK AND I JUST THINK U ARE AMAZING.
AND AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER FANS THAT GO OVER THE
BOARD TO TRY AND GET YOUR INFORMATION.
I WILL REALLY LOVE TO MEET U ONE DAY IN
PERSON.AM COMING TO GEORGIA NEXT SUMMER TO VISIT MY COUSINS AND I HOPE TO HEAR MORE FROM YOU.
PLEASE CAN U ADD ME AT BEBO…THNX.U CAN REACH ME AT [e-mail address].pleaseee add me.
and remmember biggest fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
[That last part, with the elongated "fan," is creepy.]
* * * * *
Oct. 24, 2007:
Yea your not really Raven.
Stop pretending.
[This comes from someone associated with Raven-Symone.org, the preeminent Raven fan site. His e-mail, though brief, manages to contain two errors ("yeah" and "you're"), and also to introduce a conundrum. To wit: The only way he can know for certain that symone.raven@gmail.com doesn't go to the real Raven is if he's visited my website -- in which case he also knows that I have never, for one second, pretended to be Raven. In fact, I have always quite openly declared that I have nothing to do with her. But if he has not visited my website, then how does he know symone.raven@gmail.com isn't really her e-mail address?]
* * * * *
Oct. 29, 2007:
i luve yuo i cant whate to meet you my sister said that you are so unkruonk how dod you be come a movie stare
["My sister said that you are so unkruonk"? What the aitch? I think he means "unkrunk," as in, "not krunk," with "krunk" being used in the sense of "hip, fashionable, cool." In other words, his sister had the audacity to say that Raven was not krunk, and our correspondent saw fit to mention the diss to Raven. Note that he does not explicitly state that he disagrees with his sister. It's kind of stupid e-mail, if you really think about it.]
* * * * *
Nov. 4, 2007:
[From "Taylor," which could be male or female.]
Hi if this is Raven symone I just wanted to say you are a kind and beautiful woman. I am not gay or a stalker trust me.
See ya
[Sure. That's what all the gay stalkers say.]
* * * * *
Nov. 6, 2007:
Hi raven I got your email from the site where you write letters to you. My name is AShaya I sent you a letter so i may sound familiar.Im 9 yrs old. I know your probably not going to get this email because your probably emailing a whole lot of other people so i won’t bother you much. Email me back soon though!!:]
AShaya
[Does she mean THIS site? The site where I post letters that people write to Raven, and then make fun of those letters and state repeatedly that the e-mail address does NOT go to Raven? She can't possibly mean that, right? She must mean some other site, a site where people really do write to Raven and Raven really does reply to them.
Anyway, note her promise not to bother Raven too much, and then note how quickly she breaks that promise.]
Nov. 10, 2007:
Hi raven i know u probably have some more emails to check because you have not been replying to mines and that’s okay my mom said you might be some one who be facking raven symone i don’t know who to beleive but if i get a message from you i might be able to be on your side anyway email me back!
ashaya
[Let's assume she meant "faking."]
Nov. 12, 2007:
THAT IS THE LAST STRAW I’VE BEEN EMAILING YOU FOR THE LAST 4 DAYS SO YOU KNOW WHAT RAVEN IM SO TAKING YOU OFF MY CONTACTS AND IM SO GONNA STOP WATCHING YOUR SHOWS AND ALSO THE CORY SMOKING SHOW WAS A BIG RIP OFF AND IT STINKED!! SO BYE BYE RAVEN AND ALSO I THINK YOUR FAT!!
[Oh, AShaya. Ye of little faith.]
* * * * *
Nov. 8, 2007:
hi i dont want to give away my name if this is not you really. where do you live what state i love you and thats so raven are you and the 3 other cheetah girls still together it dosent seem like they like you anymore you are so pretty write back if this is you please be you and i will keep talking to you i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu your the best do you now emily osments email and miley cyrus bye ps write back
[You might assume that this e-mail, like so many others Raven gets, is the work of a functionally retarded child. But I believe it is the work of a very astute impersonator of James Joyce.]
* * * * *
Dec. 8, 2007:
Hello Raven sis,
Wishing you a very Happy birthday. I am your biggest teen fan. I am 15 yrs old girl from India. I love your superhit show ‘That’s so Raven”. I love your that episode “Call victor”. I have also seen your movies Cheetah girls 1 & 2 ; Dr. Diolittle. . You are very pretty and funny. I love your dialogue “I am fine”. You are my role model as I have inspired for acting from you and want to work with you. I love to copy you when I watch your show and doing other work.
Its my first mail to you and want your some latest photographs. Please reply me.
Your loving fan,
[full name] or little Raven
[It's not even worth mentioning anymore that Raven's foreign fans have a better grasp of English than her American ones do.]
Dec. 24, 2007:
Hey Raven sis,
Wishing you a very merry christmas. Its my first mail to you and the first was on your birthday. I am your old teen fan from India (Delhi). I love your special show of christmas in ‘That’s so Raven’.
I also want to congrats you and want to give best wishes for your coming movie “Road Trip to college”. I have seen its trailers which is very good and hoping that your this movie will also be superhit.
I requested you to send me some of your katsest photographs and I am waiting for that.Please reply me.
Your fan,
[name]
Dec. 31, 2007:
Hello Raven sis,
Wishing you a very Happy New Year. This is your fan from India (Delhi). Hoping that your this year will bring more happiness and prosperity in your life.
And I again want to wish you for your coming movie “College Road Trip”. Please reply me.
* * * * *
Dec. 27, 2007:
HEY RAVEN THIS IS A BIG FAN JUST SAYING HI AND I LOVE AYH U ARE AWSOME IM EBONY TOO SO YEA
* * * * *
Jan. 1, 2008:
I LOVE YOU RAVEN AND I NED U TO ADD ME IIGHT ["IIGHT" = "alright"] IS ….. [e-mail address] IIGHT I NEED U TO ADD ME ITS REALLY INPORTANT BECAUSE IM GOING THOUGH THE SOME THIG UR GOING THOUGH (in thats so raven) yhaa i can see the future and i need some help and i really cant tell my mom and it happend about a month and i just cant trust anyone and this is comming from ur biggest fan I LOVE U Raven —— Love Fatouma
[If I understand this correctly, Fatouma believes she has the ability to see the future, just like Raven's fictional character does on "That's So Raven." This reminds me a lot of the time I thought I could stick to walls, and so I e-mailed Tobey Maguire.]
* * * * *
Jan. 7, 2008:
hi raven symone its renee g i love ur moie raven thats so i watch evrey one even if i have seen it bye chat later i love ya bye p.s i act like u to
[I believe "moie" means "movie," and that "raven thats so" means "That's So Raven." Which, one, is a TV show and not a movie, and two, is called "That's So Raven" and not "raven thats so." Maybe that's how it's cataloged at the Library of Congress: "Raven, That's So."]
February 13th, 2008 at 4:56 am
Funny stuff Eric. I like how you would e-mail Tobey Maguire when you learned you can stick to walls.
February 13th, 2008 at 5:58 am
If you google “Letters to Raven-Symone” all but one of the hits either leads directly to ericdsnider.com or references it in some way. And clicking “I’m Feeling Lucky” takes you straight to this column. (Those cheeky google guys!)
I am struck by the often schizophrenic way in which these emailers approach their supposed idol. On the one hand they acknowledge how she must be very busy & not have time to respond to emails, but in the next sentence they demand that she drop everything and do just that. The fan from India seemed surprised not to have received a response. I should introduce her to my online banker–who responds to my emails about as frequently as Raven-Symone will to hers.
February 13th, 2008 at 6:32 am
I was giggling to myself yesterday as I watched Raven-Symone on Oprah. She was talking about all the wonderful e-mails she receives from fans that like her current shows, but remember her more for the impact she had on them in her role on the Cosby Show. Raven’s comment came right after a bright, accomplished African-American woman talked about how watching the Huckstables every week helped her overcome her terrible childhood and achieve in her career and her family. Very heartwarming.
If she only knew about ALL the e-mails she is receiving. You are doing Raven a great service - shielding her from her illiterate, crazy fans and giving us a laugh at the same time.
February 13th, 2008 at 7:31 am
You know Tobey Maguire? What’s his e-mail address? I too can stick to walls. Don’t ask how. Ha
February 13th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Not only am I astounded by the horrible writing skills of these people, but also by their names: Goret, AShaya, Fatouma? I suppose these children get their spelling skills from their parents.
February 13th, 2008 at 9:38 am
It has long been a dream of mine to ineffectually attempt to email Tobey Maguire. Does anyone know of an email address that appears to be Mr. Maguire’s (but really isn’t) and doesn’t bounce?
Thanks.
February 13th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Actually, I believe “That’s So Raven” is cataloged at the Library of Congress under “Crap, Utter.”
February 13th, 2008 at 10:28 am
“Yea your not really Raven.
Stop pretending.” is much funnier if you read it as though the first word is not yeah, but in fact yea, and then imagine it in a scriptural type setting (like maybe an Elder Scott talk). Yea, you are not really Raven. Stop pretending.
February 13th, 2008 at 10:53 am
DEER ERic,
I is yiour bigest fan. Some poeple telled me I am too OLD! too be a fan of a funniest writer. But I thnik they r wrong. I neeeeeeeeeeed u to plz email me so soon!! I am luving your website “Side Remarks” cuz I some people tell me that my writing is “Side” like you. r.
Also, do u hang out with DAVE BARRY too? Can u give him my email and tel him 2 email me plzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!
BTW, if u r not relly Eric Snider, this iz a wack joke. stope pretendin;
February 13th, 2008 at 11:29 am
This is one of the best “Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone” columns ever. It was totally worth the wait. I was sad when it ended! The best bit by far was AShaya (classic); other highlights were “unkrounk” and the James Joyce comment. Brilliant stuff.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
All of a sudden now it makes sense why Meet The Spartans was #1 in the box office.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I was just thinking the other day how much I wished you would post a new “Children’s Letters to Raven-Symone”. I am so happy now.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
If anyone is interested, I found some more entertaining fan messages to Raven Symone at http://www.faqs.org/qa/qa-4661.html
One of the more enjoyable ones reads:
“I love Raven in everyway a person can be loved, I look beyond your celebrity because I see a beautiful and prominant young woman blossoming from you!Please do not ever disappear from my sight I swear if you were no longer reachable I wouldn’t wanna live anymore…Raven I love you stay happy,cause when you’re happy I’m happy.I love you beautiful!”
February 13th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Does anyone else think “unkruonk” could possibly be translated “on crack”?
February 13th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
If these kids can learn to turn on a computer and use internet and e-mail programs, they can learn to spell! Maybe we ought to have a national match-up program to bring together technologically impaired seniors and functionally illiterate school children. The oldsters could teach the whippersnappers to spell and use punctuation ,and the kids could teach them some basic technology skills in return. I’m calling my congressman immediately…
February 13th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Eric, anyone can stick to a wall if they hit it hard enough.
February 13th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I think, hands down, the saddest email is Fatouma’s–Girl writes to a celebrity about her personal problems? That she can’t talk to anyone about, not even her mom? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, child?
On the other hand, AShaya’s “some one who be facking raven symone” had me in tears of immature laughter.
February 14th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
If my kid grows up to write this badly, I’m killing him and starting over. Oh the humanity!
February 15th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Hey Ben,
“…imagine it in a scriptural type setting (like maybe an Elder Scott talk). Yea, you are not really Raven. Stop pretending.”
When I hear this in my head, I don’t hear Elder Scott. I hear Martin Luther King.
Also, I’ve officially spread the word “unkruonk” around to my high school students. They think that I’m pretty unkrunk anyway…I don’t know, I thought I was fairly krunk.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I had never heard the word “krunk” before Thanksgiving. We were down in Texas visiting family, and we were staying at my wife’s sister’s husband’s parents’ house. We were sleeping in the teenage daughter’s room, and she has a mirror she apparently dresses in front of every morning, and it is covered in Stuart Smalley-ish affirmations. “You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You’re hot. You’re krunk.” I asked her what krunk meant, and she was embarrassed that we had noticed her mirror, but she told me anyway. I didn’t realize we had run out of real words to describe people, but I guess we have.
February 15th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I love these columns! (long time reader, first time commenter)
Is it not ironic that “GORET” who insists she’s “NOT LIKE THE OTHER FANS THAT GO OVER THE BOARD TO TRY AND GET YOUR INFORMATION” goes on to ask Raven to add her on Beebo? I wonder if she has met gay-stalker Taylor.
Pehaps the elongated “fannnnnnn… et. al.” was some kind of onomatopoeia for rhetorical effect. I mean, that is sort of the sound an electric fan makes…
Nah, I’m giving this kid too much credit.
February 16th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
If I learned I could stick to walls, the first thing I’d probably do is take a shower.
Sad thing is, those could be high school age children writing the emails. Very sad.
February 16th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Okay, Jeff, now will you tell the rest of us (literate) folks what ‘krunk’ means? I have a hard time believing it can be a compliment. It just sounds silly.
February 16th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Didn’t Eric explain it in the course of mocking the letter?
February 17th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Let the Southern girl intervene. “Krunk” is actually an amalgam of “chronic” and “drunk”. So it originally meant “super drunk”, but it has ameliorated into a positive descriptive word. “Krunk” = “Off the hook”
February 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Wow, I’m thinking some of the people on this site are as dumb as those writing the letters. Unfortunately for all of you the ones writing the letters are mostly under the age of 15 and I’m guessing you’re all a bit older.
For those slow folks asking other people what words mean there is this nifty tool called Google. After typing in “definition of krunk” into the search bar the second site listed is a link to the urban dictionary. Now, make note of the urban dictionary website as you can now just “navigate” there directly if you don’t know what something means.
For those of you who are too retarded to follow simple instructions I will provide a link for you:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=krunk
Originally, Crunk meant crazy drunk and was popularized about 2-3 years ago. Now “krunk” is more about being crazy + non-alcoholically intoxicated. I’m still surprised it is even used very much now that it has reached the “white folk.”
And by the way Eric, this is my least favorite bit of yours. It still comes off somewhat pedophilic.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I thought Eric was just guessing.
February 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I was just looking at this and my 3 year old daughter, seeing her picture, says “Oh, mom I love That’s so RAISIN.” I was laughing so hard. I hope that in a few years she is not one of the girls who starts writing to you to defend RAISIN.
February 27th, 2008 at 3:13 am
I absolutely adore this feature; it makes my whole week when I look back and think about the amazingly dumb things people say, or try to say, to their favorite celebrity.
Besides, it would be even more hilarious if Raven’s real email address was symone.raven1@gmail.com because symone.raven@gmail.com was taken!