(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

I thought we’d have a lot of e-mails regarding Raven’s new film “College Road Trip,” but there was only one that mentioned it, and it was an otherwise unremarkable e-mail, so I didn’t include it. Instead, it’s the usual mix of butchered English, logical puzzles, and references to Raven’s weight. Enjoy!

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Jan. 12, 2008:

THE FIRST THING IM GONNA SAY IS………..OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IM ACCTUALLY TALKING TO RAVEN SYMONE HERSELF!!!! [You're not!]
LET ME JUST INTRODUCE MYSELF,MY NAME IS TASNEEM AND IM FROM UAE [United Arab Emirates]
IM UR NUMBER ONE FAN IN UAE [possibly true],AND EVEN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! [probably not true]
I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPPY WHEN I SAW UR SITE!!
EVERYDAY, AT NIGHT WHATEVER DAY IT IS,I WATCH UR SHOW AND I CANT MISS AN EPISODE!!!
UR RLLLY MY FAVE AND WHAT I LIKE BEST IN U IS UR GD NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER CELEBS,U DONT WEAR CLOTHES THAT R OPEN AND SHORT CUZ FOR US THAT IS BAD, AND U DONT DO BAD THINGS,FOR PPL WHO R ARABS ITS BAD AND U R THE MOST ONE THAT DOZNT DO THAT
I RLLLLLY LOVE WATCHING UR SHOW CUZ ITS SOOOO FUNNY!!AND ITS SOO NICE IN EVERY WAY,I WILL BE SO HAPPY IF U ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND ACCTUALLY TALK 2 ME BY URSELF NOT SOMEONE ELSE
I RLLLLLY WANT TO TELL U THAT IF UR SHOW STOPS I WILL DIE CUZ I LUV IT SO PLZZ KEEP ON DOING NEW SHOWS FOREVER!! [Gulp. For heaven's sake, don't tell her that the show was canceled last year and the final episodes aired in November!]
U R MY FAVE CELEB PLZ STAY LIKE THIS AND DONT CHANGE AND BECOME BAD LIKE THE OTHERS LOOOL ["Laughing out out out loud"?]
PLZ COME TO THE UAE SO I CAN MEET U AND HOPEFULLY TAKE A PIC WITH U AND GET UR AUTOGRAPH!
PLZ PLZ ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND TALK WITH ME
AND PLZZZZ REPLY TO THIS EMAIL BY URSELF CUZ THAT WILL MEAN A LOTT TO ME PLZ DONT TLL SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR U TO ANSER IT!!
LOVE,
UR NUMBER ONE FAN
TASNEEM

[You are the most one that doesn't do that!]

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