@jettek Terminal, obviously. Also: Planes Trains & Automobiles (being stuck, unable to get home). Also, um… United 93? I mean, why not?

My friend Luscious Malone and I like to say this when we’re watching a movie or TV show in which an actor appears onscreen only briefly and only to do or say something dumb, demeaning, or embarrassing. For example:

“The good news is, we got you a part. The bad news is, you play Adam Sandler’s Elderly Sexual Partner #3 in ‘Zohan.’

Or:

“The good news is, we got you a part on ‘Lost.’ The bad news is, you’re going to emerge from one of the Others’ houses just in time to get shot.”

Last night I was watching an old TiVoed episode of “Law & Order: SVU” when I found myself saying this:

“The good news is, we got you a part. The bad news is, you play a forensics technician whose only line is telling Detective Benson at a Central Park murder scene, ‘My team’s looking for sperm clusters and foliage smears.’ Learn that line really well! Deliver it with gusto! Then be sure to put it on your demo tape!”

My team’s looking for sperm clusters and foliage smears. Yeesh. Thanks, SVU. You’re delightful.

Bday is tomorrow, and Mom sent cookies! And money! It’s amazing how much free stuff you get just because someone shat you out of her womb!

‘American Idol’ is adding a 4th judge! This brings the total number of coherent, useful judges up to zero. http://tinyurl.com/6pf8ow

Jeffrey Ross: “John McCain is so old, Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after him.” ZOING!

Can you believe it’s been five years since I wrote a “Snide Remarks” column entirely about PETA? Me either! So here’s a new one, “That’s So PETArded,” which seeks to make up for lost time. I confess I’m kind of proud of the Shamu part, and especially the SnideCast recording of it.

This week’s “Snide Remarks,” including the audio version, is here.
The audio version (i.e., the podcast) is also here.
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Why didn’t Obama announce his running mate sooner? Because he was Biden his time. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Gazing out the window at my local coffeehouse, I saw a guy ride past on a bicycle with a DVD case from Video Verite (a local rental place specializing in non-mainstream DVDs) sticking out of the back of his pants, half in and half out. It was too big to fit in his pocket, and he didn’t have a backpack or anything, so he put it there. I guess I just wanted to warn you that if you rent a DVD from Video Verite, there is a slight chance that it has recently spent time in a guy’s sweaty butt crack. Just FYI.

(Yes, of course I tried to get a picture, but he was gone before I could do it. It’s a shame, because it would have gone nicely in my Gallery of People’s Unfortunate Butt-Related Choices.)

This Twitter update is the equivalent of 95% of all comments posted on the Internet: I have nothing to say, but I’m posting anyway.

Movie reviews! Behold them in their splendor!

First, if you happen to live in the Portland area, you should check out “Kabluey,” which opens at the Living Room Theaters today. This was the opening-night film at the Oxford Film Festival, which I attended back in February. The director/writer/star, Scott Prendergast, a Portland native, will be at this weekend’s evening screenings for a Q&A, so that’s cool, and it’s a pretty good movie anyway.

“The Rocker,” which opened Wednesday, is a so-so starring vehicle for Rainn Wilson, in a role seemingly originally meant for Jack Black or Will Ferrell. My review is at Cinematical.

“Hamlet 2″ is one of the year’s oddest comedies, and also one of the funniest. It stars Steve Coogan as a loser high-school drama teacher who stages a controversial play that upsets the community. It opens in about 90 theaters today and will go wide next week.

“The House Bunny” stars the brilliant Anna Faris — I’m not kidding, she really does have a great gift for comedy — as an exiled Playboy bunny who becomes house mother to a sorority of misfit college girls. It’s from the writers of “Legally Blonde,” and it shows, but it’s a surprisingly funny movie.

“Death Race” is dumb, obviously, but it’s not even the fun, self-aware kind. Just the dumb kind. And the races — the film’s only real chance to be entertaining — are dull. My review is at Film.com.

“Man on Wire” is a terrific documentary about a French guy who walked on a tightrope between the Twin Towers back in 1974. The film plays out like a bank-heist movie, very exciting and entertaining.

And I caught up with the unscreened “Mirrors” last weekend and declared it meh.

Finally, “The Longshots” opens today without being screened (at least not in this region), which makes it one of Hollywood’s Shameful Secrets®. It’s a family-friendly drama about an 11-year-old girl who wants to play Pop Warner football. Somehow, it managed to be directed by Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst, and to star Ice Cube.

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