An open letter to Mother Nature
Dear Mother Nature:
You are a filthy whore. You are a wanton, depraved trollop devoid of all virtue. Your scandalous harlotry surpasses human understanding. So utterly putrid are your offenses that decent humankind is sickened by the vile rankness that emanates therefrom.
I have always admired your beauty and majesty. I have respected your power. I have sought to avoid the needless sullying of your pristine charms.
And this is how you repay me?
With the worst snowfall Portland has seen in a decade, just before Christmas, just in time to cancel every flight out of Portland International Airport?
I, who have done you no wrong, am to be prevented from being with my family on Christmas Day because of YOUR rancid excretions. I, who have never polluted your oceans or befouled your forests, and who usually remembers to recycle his newspapers, am to be denied the fellowship of my family for one reason and one reason alone: because YOU chose to void your infernal bowels and contaminate the land with over a foot of your heinous ordure.
“Can’t you just get a flight on standby?” I hear you ask, your raspy strumpet’s voice scratching across your cankerous lips. You and I both know that you caused most flights Saturday and Sunday to be canceled too, putting me in line behind hundreds of others also seeking standby seats. You know full well that any flight lucky enough to escape the now ruined precincts of this once fair city will be filled to capacity with the fortunate souls who happened to book tickets on it in the first place, accompanied by at most one or two standby passengers. You heard the representative from the airline tell me that, quite frankly, I don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting on standby anytime before Dec. 26 — an ironic choice of euphemism, given that your perverse actions have turned Portland into an unholy admixture of both snow and hell.
Do not think that your fiendish abominations will go unanswered, Mother Nature. From this moment forward I shall litter your beaches with Styrofoam, set fire to your prairies, and defecate in the walking paths of your state parks. You are now my sworn enemy, you malevolent shrew, you noxious harridan, you shameful, scabrous, fetid she-whore. May the glad tidings of the season find you grief-stricken and forlorn, and may you never cross me again or so help me I WILL END YOU.
Most sincerely,
Eric D. Snider
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Hehe, “trollop”…
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
i wanted to go *to* portland from utah to see my folks. can’t drive it, can’t fly it, so, life sucks all around.
bummer.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
You could try and drive it. Of course, because of the ice and snow you’ll most likely get into a horrific accident and end up a bloody, mangled heap on the side of the highway… but on the other hand, maybe it’s worth the risk to be with your family for Christmas?
As a side note, I find it fascinating that there’s been snow practically everywhere in the country, EXCEPT where I’m living in Oklahoma. We’ve had frigid winds and ridiculously low temperatures, but no snow. I don’t think I’ve ever had a white Christmas. Looks like this year won’t be any different.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Of course it would be “worth it” to try to make the drive. Our family is so much fun that it would be worth it to walk — but that doesn’t mean he could get here by Christmas. The snowy conditions extend down into California. Even getting out of Portland would be difficult.
This blog made me smile through my tears. I thought I was being harsh, calling Mother Nature a ho. I learned all kinds of new words today.
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m in Seattle. I concur.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
@Chocolatestu – Not with I-84 closed, you can’t. (from one in a similar situation)
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I-5 is how one gets to the Snider ancestral homeland, not I-84, but Simon’s basic premise holds true. There’s that twisty, mountainous part of California that frequently gets closed down this time of year anyway, not to mention the general peril of driving in Oregon right now.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Wow. That really, really sucks. Sorry, Eric. And Momma S.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
That really sucks.
We’ve got about 8 inches of snow here in the Provo area, and it is pretty nasty right now, but at least I will be able to drive to my parent’s house in Tooele on Wednesday without trouble.
Last time it snowed badly in Portland just before Christmas and everything iced over (mm… 4 years ago, I think?) I was overjoyed that I got an extra week of Christmas break. It was the most awesome thing ever, in my opinion, despite the fact that I couldn’t even go out of my front door because of the ice. I never considered that people probably hated it because they couldn’t get out of the airport. One man’s winter wonderland is another man’s whorish nightmare, I guess.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Yuck, I know exactly which part of the twisty road from Portland to Cali you speak of, Eric. It is really, really scary to drive it in the snow/when snow is falling heavily. Especially at night. When you’ve had your learners permit less than a year. Scary. *shudder*
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I’m so sorry for you! (Maybe you can knock on the Binghams/Taylors doors. . . I certainly don’t want you eating white bread, fudge poptarts, and wheat thins for Christmas.) And Mother Nature? We totally hate her.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Very nice use of adjectives in this diatribe. I applaud you, sir, and extend my condolences for being unable to find a way home for Christmas.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
That certainly sucks out loud, but I have to say that Mother Nature, as depicted, is kind of hot.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
where, oh where is that gosh darned global warming that was promised? all scientists are filthy liars i garrandamtee it. i`m snowed in here at home in idaho,so i have to be with the whole famdamily, consider yerself lucky eric d. snider hater of that rancid floozy mother nature.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Same applies up here in Bellingham. No one knows what to do with it either. They drive their one snow plow, with the plow up and useless, around the city dispersing small amounts of sand that does nothing. Good times. Sorry you won’t be with your family at Christmas!
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
According to the news, the last time Portland got this much snowfall was in January 1980. That’s almost 3 decades!
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 pm
D— global warmings.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Look at the bright side. At least you didn’t poop your pants today… and you know someone out there did. And that’s just gross.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Eric,
I live about 15 minutes from your family. I’ll go over on Christmas day and pretend to be you. I can even hold up a cutout of your face and put my cell on speaker phone.
That’s all a free gift. If you want me to play that G*d d**ned nut smashing ball game, that’ll cost extra. It will also cost extra if you want me to play with your brother’s Wii.
(I think I’ve been following this blog for too long)
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:19 am
Note to self: step carefully when hiking near Eric’s house.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Any chance this letter could be “Snidecasted” so I can get some genuine voice inflection? Your level of pisstivity has been duly noted, sir.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:19 am
Ryan, do we know you? If you live so close, why haven’t you stopped by so I could make you some Brownies? I’d make you promise to clean up your language before I’d give them to you, though.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:23 am
@Momma Snider
I’ll move closer just for the brownies. I’m so hungry.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 am
Eric, Dad has been laughing uncontrollably for the last 12 minutes after I showed him that. And I think he was laughing AND amused, unlike with most of the stuff you write.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:37 am
I’m sad that you can;t make it home..that is awful…but I’m torn. Your pain has caused much amusement. Any chance you can try to drive it just so w can read about the attempt? How about knee surgery or getting stuck in walmart on christmas eve?
I am sorry and all
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard at a piece of Eric D. Snider writing in a long time. Very funny man, you.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“…That’s all a free gift. If you want me to play that delightful nut smashing ball game, that’ll cost extra….”
Done. Now how’s about them brownies?!
Actually we live in Temecula and no I don’t know your family. I just know your general locale from past references by Eric
December 24th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Your treatise on “standby” is something I’m well aware of. Obviously, that part of your letter was meant for someone else.
As for the rest of it, I know you are but what am I?
Sincerely,
Mother Nature
December 27th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Also, on this day, Eric discovered adjectives.