You guys, I just heard that Obama might be a Socialist. Why has this been kept a secret??!

can impersonate the “Price Is Right” loser sound effect — this one http://tinyurl.com/o6dclk — with his mouth.

I once blew up an abortion clinic. Not because I disagreed with abortion, but because I didn’t like their return policy.

Private message for @williambgoss and @DavidHarley (no one else read this): I will murder you. Love, Eric.

I admire Paramount’s gall in screening DANCE FLICK for critics. “Yeah, it’s probably terrible. SO WHAT?? We’re showin’ it anyway.”

@michaeljnelson “Marley & Me” refers to Scrooge and his business partner’s capitalistic misdealings. #improvemarleyandme

Happy 22nd birthday, “Ishtar”! You didn’t get a fair sheik. http://bit.ly/14EzKB

Like most people, I enjoy flipping through the Sky Mall catalog when I’m bored on an airplane and I’ve been bored long enough to have already read the airline magazine. The Sky Mall is a great place to see hilarious ads for ridiculous products that no sane person would ever buy. Here’s one I saw on a recent trip:

Dual Time Dot Matrix Watch. The 70′s coming back again!

When you want to raise some eyebrows or have an excellent ice breaker for your next sales meeting, the jaw dropping Gforce Matric is your best resource. The Matrix makes everyone aware that you know what it takes in life.

Features:
- LCD time display
- Features the day of the week
- Daily alarm
- Hourly chime
- 1/100 second Chronograph with split function
- Countdown timer
- Dual time keeping
- Brilliant backlight

Did you hear that? The 70′s coming back again! For one thing, I assume that should read “the ’70s ARE coming back again.” And for another thing, no they aren’t. Unless you mean that, just as in the 1970s, people will pay a hundred dollars for a very basic digital watch. (In the 2000s, a watch like this goes for about twenty bucks at Wal-Mart.)

But I am also glad to know that if I want to raise eyebrows or have an excellent ice-breaker at my next sales meeting, this watch is my BEST RESOURCE. Not being well-prepared, not wearing a sharp-looking suit, not making eye contact and putting people at ease with a friendly smile, but THIS WATCH. Wasting money on a laughably out-dated timepiece makes everyone aware that I know what it takes in life.

[Vague personal reference that only I understand but that makes me seem cool and mysterious to readers.]

“Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!” // Sometimes “The Simpsons” is still really funny.