‘All About Steve’ is a wonder drug
After several days of suffering almost nonstop from a heavy dose of clinical depression, last Monday night I started to crawl tentatively out of my funk (emotional and olfactory) and felt well enough to attend a movie screening. It was for “Extract,” which I thought I would probably enjoy, and which I knew some of my critic friends would be attending. I had no intention of reviewing it. I just wanted to do something NORMAL, something that’s usually part of my daily life, but without any of the pressure or obligation.
I was right; I enjoyed the movie; it was a good experience. Afterward, my friend Jeff asked if I would be at “All About Steve” the following afternoon. I said I was on the fence. While I’d had some non-professional interest in “Extract,” this Sandra Bullock thing was something I would only see if obligated to, and I was at this point trying to curtail my obligations as much as possible so that I could recover from my illness.
Then my other friend, Dawn, asked me the same question, and I told her the same thing. But she pointed out that “All About Steve” was probably going to be pretty bad, and I do enjoy writing scathing reviews of terrible movies, so maybe this would be a good thing for me to do, to help me get back to normal?
She made a fine point. I went to the press screening of “All About Steve” the next day at noon.
As you know by now, “All About Steve” turned out to be one of the worst movies ever made by human beings without the direct involvement of Lucifer. I was glad I saw it with friends who were not in the throes of clinical depression, so they could confirm to me that it wasn’t just my state of mind. It really was that bad. I did go home afterward and have a sobbing meltdown, but let’s be honest, so did a lot of other critics.
So this was Tuesday. By Wednesday night, things had improved enough to where I felt vaguely capable of perhaps writing a review of “All About Steve.” I know that many readers love those D- and F-grade reviews, and heaven help me, I sure love writing them, especially when a movie gives me as much to work with as “All About Steve” did. I banged out the first couple of paragraphs and felt good about what I’d produced. I called my editor at Film.com to see if he needed a review of this particular travesty, and it so happens that he did. He gave me the tentative assignment, still with the gracious addendum that it would be OK if I proved unable to write it after all. There was no pressure.
I continued to write. The words flowed out of me like stink out of a monkey. And as I went, I began to feel … normal. During the worst part of the depression, the scary and surreal thing was that I didn’t feel like me. That’s a common figure of speech — “Oh, he’s not himself today” — but I really felt it. These crazy feelings, this despair, this hopelessness: that’s not me! That’s not how I feel! Who is this impostor inside my head making me feel these things?! (Knowing that your feelings are wrong yet being powerless to fix them just makes the depression even worse.)
Another thing I’d felt during my low moments was that even if I did feel like working, even if I were capable of writing … well, what would be the use? You feel worthless during a bout with clinical depression, like the things you do don’t matter, and so it’s just as well that you can’t do them anymore.
But now, here I was, feeling like Eric D. Snider again. You have no idea how awesome it is to feel like Eric D. Snider! Usually I feel like that every day, but I hadn’t lately. Writing the review felt natural, and comfortable, and normal. Everything clicked into place: Ah, yes. THIS is what I do. I watch an awful Sandra Bullock comedy, and then I eviscerate it for the amusement of others.
In the grand scheme of things, maybe it’s not so important. But it’s WHAT I DO. It is my contribution to the world. It doesn’t matter how insignificant it is compared to what some other people might contribute. It’s WHAT I DO. And here I was, doing it, and enjoying it.
This battle with depression isn’t over yet, but things have improved remarkably in the last week. The new medication is helping, and I believe the prayers (mine and others’) have helped, too. The “All About Steve” experience, as goofy as it may sound, was a major step forward. When you’re struggling with depression, it’s the little victories that get you back on track, back to where you’re doing whatever it is that you do, no matter how ordinary or trivial it may be.
So thank you, Sandra Bullock! Thank you for making a terrible movie. I knew I could count on you!
September 7th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Now I feel like Sandra let me down when she didn’t make a movie the year I had depression. Not that I would have seen it, or remembered seeing it, or been at all conscious of a real world beyond the fog.
DEPRESSION IS FUN!!
(Sandra is not.)
September 8th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Nothing cheers me up like an Eric D. Snider “F” review. Glad to hear writing them is as enjoyable as reading them.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Here I thought “All About Steve” is what caused your depression……..lol. I’m glad it did some good and got you back to being yourself. It was a funny review.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Yeah Eric!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:36 am
“As you know by now, “All About Steve” turned out to be one of the worst movies ever made by human beings without the direct involvement Lucifer.”
Is “Lucifer” one of the nicknames of Kate Hudson?
September 8th, 2009 at 6:54 am
These are probably no substitute for All About Steve, but might get you out of a tight spot, emotion-wise:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMWi7CLoZ2Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2F4EFYM_MA
Glad to hear you’re feeling better and using possessive apostrophes correctly — “I believe the prayers (mine and others’)…”
September 8th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I know what you mean with the not being -you-. I was horribly depressed throughout all of my teenage years, and one day when I was 18 I just sort of snapped out of it. Something really bad did trigger it when I was 12, but after that I was just a miserable, bony zombie with a catlike sleeping schedule for about 5 1/2 years. Even though I’m only 25 now, I don’t personally remember most of it because I’ve essentially blocked out that period of my life. But whenever my mom talks about it, it’s always in the context of saying that I was gone for a long time, and then I came back that day and I have been Stacy again ever since.
Anyway, I think you are a great guy, not just a great writer. I wrote you a couple weeks ago when this mess must have been going on strong, and it wasn’t even movie related, it was website related, and you (and your equally helpful… brother? friend? lackey?) still took the time to reply to me and help me out. I am very glad to hear that you are feeling somewhat Ericky once again.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:44 am
“You have no idea how awesome it is to feel like Eric D. Snider!”
I’ve always wondered what an Eric D. Snider feels like. I assume the texture is something akin to Play-Doh.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Dang, I thought you’d doctored the movie poster in your review so that she was holding a bloody knife instead of an umbrella.
Then I thought: “Who am I to expect others to do what obviously needs to be done?”
http://imgur.com/djDA7.jpg
Take your time and get well!
September 8th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“As you know by now, “All About Steve” turned out to be one of the worst movies ever made by human beings without the direct involvement of Lucifer.” –> I don’t often physically LOL, but this line cracked me up. Vocally.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Eric, I just heard you on NPR! w00t!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I like “The words flowed out of me like stink out of a monkey.” And I love Eric being Eric.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
And Stacy, Eric’s brother Jeff is a pretty awesome guy, too.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Clumpy, you are my hero! I am so proud to have inspired this joke on the interweb.
Eric, I am ever so glad that this terrible, terrible movie made you feel like Eric D. Snider again.
Even better, you might be able to get an endorsement deal out of this – when the DVD comes out, it will prominently proclaim “All About Steve lifted me out of my depressive funk!!!” as the only positive-sounding review. Score!
And of course below that – “A movie made by human beings!!!”
September 8th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
The “I started to crawl tentatively out of my funk (emotional and olfactory)” line cracked me up.
I read the “All About Steve” review on my phone while out to dinner with my family, and, after laughing and nodding my head in agreement so much, felt the need to pass the phone around to each member at the table, who equally enjoyed it. I’m glad that writing it was therapeutic in a way.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
So funny.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Holy motherloving alfalfa, Scott. The funny part is that I didn’t even read the comments for the actual review and never saw your “bloody knife” reference. I wouldn’t mind being inspired by you, though, because frankly you thought of it first.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I think we can all agree that the movie would have been better if it had featured more bloody knives.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
oh eric this is really heartwarming
God bless ya and hope you can win your battle
September 10th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I wonder if All About Steve will hold a special significance and/or place in Eric’s heart thanks to his experience with the movie, regardless of its horrible nature. Ten years down the road when it’s time for a “Ten Year Itch” column about this review, will Eric warmly remember the crappy acting and ridiculous plot holes that proved so helpful?
September 11th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
At least something positive came out of that awful, joyless trainwreck of a movie. Glad to hear things are looking up for you, and best wishes for a continued recovery.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I wonder if reading this review would put Sandra into a dpressive state. What movie would she have to watch to start feeling better? A Tyler Perry film?
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
One time many years ago, I woke up depressed in the middle of the night. On the TV was the end of “The Cocoanuts” and following that was “Monkey Business.” I sat through it all, and it worked! I forget what I did after that – I probably went back to sleep.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I really had to check to make sure that I hadn’t written this piece or maybe you have just been following me around. I went through the exact same thing out of college lousy pay no benefits living on borrowed pills and then boom they run out and so do I. I went to the free clinic but once I saw the woman walking around talking to herself and the receptionist behind the bullet proof looking glass I thought what the hell I have gone into debt for less and made an appt with a real doctor. Now back on the pills, albeit a slightly higher dose after that episode, and getting better everyday. Keep it up and for an extra pick me up I always watch the end of Monty Python’s Life of Brian when they are being crucified and singing The Sunny Side of Life a bit blasphemous but damn funny.