My brother’s mother-in-law: “I know who Beyonce is.” Points deducted for pronouncing it “BAY-awnce.”

What would Thanksgiving be without turkeys? “Ninja Assassin,” a mindless bloodbath that manages to be boring despite being full of brutal murders, is pretty bad. But it’s no match for “Old Dogs” (review at Cinematical) an atrocity starring John Travolta and Robin Williams as two bachelors who must suddenly take care of a pair of 7-year-olds for two weeks. I didn’t think “All About Steve” would have any serious competition for Worst Movie of 2009, but I guess the holidays are all about miracles.

In better news, “Fantastic Mr. Fox” is indeed fantastic, a Wes Anderson film told with hand-crafted models and stop-motion animation. Like “Where the Wild Things Are,” it’s an expansion of a beloved children’s story; unlike that film, I don’t think anything in “Mr. Fox” will terrify or bore kids.

“The Road” (review at Film.com) opens today in limited release. It can’t match the power of Cormac McCarthy’s novel, and the unrelenting bleakness might be too much to take, but it’s a respectable effort.

Finally, also in limited release is “(Untitled)” (review at Film.com), a funny and humane satire of pretentious modern artists.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To sign up for the “In the Dark” e-zine, which brings you all the new movie reviews, DVD releases, and other pertinent info in one handy weekly e-mail, visit this page.

The funny thing about OLD DOGS is — well, there’s no accurate way to finish that sentence. http://bit.ly/8U5iDl

Number of screaming babies in this house: 1. Number of normal babies it would take to scream this loudly and prolifically: 10,000.

P.S. I’m in Utah for Thanksgiving. Apparently this is where most of my family is now, instead of California. WEIRD.

Utah has an In-N-Out now, but I heard a guy there tell his friend, “Holy shiz, dude,” so Utah still isn’t cool. #justsayin

Eric’s Bad Movies at Film.com: ON DEADLY GROUND (1994). Directed by Steven Seagal! http://bit.ly/6XjKBP

First, due to popular demand — and due to “New Moon” being really, really easy to make fun of — this week’s Snide Remarks is my rejected “New Moon” screenplay. These things practically write themselves.

At Film.com, the new What’s the Big Deal? column is taking the week off due to the holiday, but Eric’s Bad Movies is here, and in fact has been posted early! It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! The subject is “On Deadly Ground,” starring (and directed by!) Steven Seagal. Can you believe I’ve been doing this for more than a year and a half and this is the first Seagal movie I’ve done? I’ve done a few Van Dammes, though, and they’re pretty much the same.

Finally, allow me to reprint a post from this time last year:

With the Unspecified Holiday Season having descended upon us, you have perhaps wondered, “How can my gift shopping benefit Eric D. Snider?” And the answer lies in the Amazon affiliate program, of which I am a member.

It’s simple. Every time you plan to buy something on Amazon.com, come here to EricDSnider.com first. Under the “Buy Stuff” tab at the top of the page is an option to “Shop on Amazon.com.” Click that, and it takes you to Amazon’s home page, just like normal — except that now there is code embedded in it that will result in a small commission for me on everything you buy in that session.

It’s not a huge amount of money, but it helps cover the web-hosting fees, and it pays the salaries of the Laotian children who work in my sweatshop. It also helps me justify the time spent writing the columns and reviews that nobody’s paying me for, beyond the fact that I like typing and my chair is comfortable.

And hey, you’re shopping at Amazon anyway, so why not? It doesn’t affect anything at all in your shopping experience. It only produces a warm glow in your heart. And that’s really what this season is all about: redirecting incremental portions of holiday-based capitalism to me, Eric D. Snider.

P.S. If you want to bookmark the Eric-encoded Amazon link so you don’t have to come here first every time, this is the URL to bookmark: http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2F&tag=thelandoferic&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325

P.P.S. It only works for Amazon.com, not Amazon.ca or Amazon.co.uk or any of the other crazy foreign Amazons. If you shop with one of those non-American Amazons, I don’t want your filthy money.

Snide Remarks: My Rejected ‘New Moon’ Screenplay. http://bit.ly/4HY9Un

@HollyWillNot http://twitpic.com/ql65s – Saw this yesterday & thought of @EricDSnider // You can’t take it with you!* *except shoes.