Just FYI, no one in Hollywood cares if you go to the movies this weekend.

The one wide release, “No Strings Attached” — in which Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman have non-committal sex until (I’m guessing?) one or the other falls in love — was screened for critics, but it was Wednesday night, and I was on my way to Utah for the Sundance Film Festival. So forget you, “No Strings Attached.”

In semi-wide release, there’s “The Way Back” (review at Film.com), a solid drama about some dudes who escaped from a Siberian gulag and walked to India, which is not exactly next door to Siberia. 

My Film.com features from this week: “Eric’s Bad Movies” has “Solarbabies,” about roller-skating post-apocalyptic teenagers; “What’s the Big Deal?” has “The Last Picture Show,” which is full of teenagers but sadly lacking in roller skates or apocalypses. 

Oh! Yeah! Sundance! I am there now. Reviews should be popping up at Film.com and Cinematical at some point. I don’t know about the daily diary this year. Then again, I say that every year. Then again, one of these years I really will decide not to do it. In any event, my Twitter feed (@EricDSnider) is a good way to keep abreast on my doings. 

Subscribe to “In the Dark,” a weekly e-mail with the latest movie reviews, DVD releases, and other pertinent info.

Listen to “Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider,” a weekly Internet radio show featuring Jeff Bayer and Eric D. Snider, at Cascadia.fm. It’s live at 11 a.m. (Pacific) every Friday, then downloadable as a podcast. Ignore the iTunes “explicit” tag; we always keep it PG.

My sainted mother, known colloquially as Momma Snider, is having her knee replaced today! Wouldn’t you like to post a comment wishing her a speedy recovery and abundant health and happiness??

To answer some questions:

Yes, she is having it done professionally, by doctors.

Yes, the new knee will be made of Wolverine-patented adamantium, and will have super powers, including WiFi.

No, she doesn’t get to keep the old knee in a jar.

No, the knee did not have to be replaced due to a basketball injury.

Yes, one of the perks of having a knee made of metal is that now she will ALWAYS get an extra pat-down at the airport.

No, the knee was not shattered by a loan shark’s baseball bat.

Yes, she has Netflix Instant to keep her occupied while she’s couch-bound and recovering.

No, there isn’t anything Mom likes more in the world than sitting around anyway.

Yes, my dad and my sister Joy, who lives nearby, will wait on her hand and foot.

No, my brother Chris, who lives nearby, will not, because he’s a bastard.

Yes, my mom loves the word “bastard.”

Wouldn’t you like to post a comment wishing her a speedy recovery and abundant health and happiness??

Here is a transcript of everything Ricky Gervais said at the 2011 Golden Globes on Sunday night. This hardly does it justice, of course, since timing and delivery are so important. (You can see a video of the first four minutes — up through the Hugh Hefner bit — over here.) But you get the idea, and at least now it’s entered into the record. Also, except where it’s otherwise noted, everything that was supposed to get a laugh got one. You can watch the tape and see for yourself.

Everything Ricky Gervais said:

Hello, welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe awards, live from the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles. It’s gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.

Wow. Woo. So, let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife — as you do — went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard. And, uh, that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve?

Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year, voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. It was a big year for 3D movies. “Toy Story,” “Despicable Me,” “Tron.” Seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in “The Tourist.”

[There is no immediate reaction from the crowd. It takes a second for it to sink in.]

Um…

[Now there are some groans.]

I feel bad about that joke. No, I’ll tell you why. I’m jumping on the bandwagon, ’cause I haven’t even SEEN “The Tourist.” Who has?

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Well, “The Green Hornet” isn’t as bad as we thought it might be, given the problems in its production and its release date shift from primo December to dumping-ground January, and its starring Seth Rogen as a superhero. It’s not bad at all, actually, and parts of it are pretty good. Overall a typical C+ movie. (Do NOT pay extra for 3D.)

Meanwhile, “The Dilemma” (review at Cinematical) is bad: overlong, tonally awkward, mishandled.

“Eric’s Bad Movies” at Film.com is about “Buddy,” starring Rene Russo and various persons in gorilla costumes. Also at Film.com, I used a lot of puns to predict the movie marketing slogans of 2011.

At Cinematical, I’ll be live-blogging the Golden Globes on Sunday. My pal Goss is doing the first hour, my other pal Weinberg is taking the third hour, and I’m on the middle shift (6-7 p.m. Pacific, 9-10 p.m. Eastern). I guess if one has to work on a Sunday, spending an hour making snide remarks® about celebrities is probably the best option.

Subscribe to “In the Dark,” a weekly e-mail with the latest movie reviews, DVD releases, and other pertinent info.

Listen to “Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider,” a weekly Internet radio show featuring Jeff Bayer and Eric D. Snider, at Cascadia.fm. It’s live at 11 a.m. (Pacific) every Friday, then downloadable as a podcast. Ignore the iTunes “explicit” tag; we always keep it PG.

Hello, and welcome to January, the month where movies go to die!

The first sacrificial lamb of 2011 is “Season of the Witch” (review at Cinematical), a long-delayed medieval fantasy starring Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman. It is stupid and corny, though at least it is not boring.

Or how about “Country Strong,” in which Gwyneth Paltrow is an alcoholic country singer? This one is stupid and corny AND boring, and nothing any of the characters do makes any sense. Enjoy!

“Country Strong” goes wide today, but it’s actually a 2010 release. It opened in New York and L.A. on Dec. 22 so it could qualify for 2010 awards consideration. Seems reasonable: Oscar-winning star, dramatic role about overcoming an obstacle, strong resemblance to last year’s Oscar-winning “Crazy Heart” — this has “awards season” written all over it. Yet now that people have actually seen it, you’ll notice it isn’t getting any awards consideration. Whoops.

Still in limited release are four very good end-of-2010 pictures. “Rabbit Hole” (review at Film.com) made my top 10 list. “The Illusionist” and “Another Year” were two of the highlights at the Telluride Film Festival. “Blue Valentine” has been percolating ever since its Sundance premiere last January. I note with some alarm that my reviews of “Rabbit Hole” and “Blue Valentine,” written nearly a year apart, are remarkably similar.

At Film.com, “Eric’s Bad Movies” addresses “Fluke,” about a man who dies and comes back as a dog. I don’t remember which of you devils brought this movie to my attention, but thank you, I guess. “What’s the Big Deal?” is about “Blowup,” from 1966. Hot photography action!

Subscribe to “In the Dark,” a weekly e-mail with the latest movie reviews, DVD releases, and other pertinent info.

Listen to “Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider,” a weekly Internet radio show featuring Jeff Bayer and Eric D. Snider, at Cascadia.fm. It’s live at 11 a.m. (Pacific) every Friday, then downloadable as a podcast. Ignore the iTunes “explicit” tag; we always keep it PG.

In a perfect world, I would be writing “Snide Remarks” every week, and you would be reading it, and all would be edified. Our world is imperfect — but together we can take a step toward remedying that!

I’m excited to officially announce a Kickstarter campaign for A Year of Snide Remarks. It launched just before Christmas, but I wanted to wait until after the holidays to start the big push. THIS IS NOW THE BIG PUSH.

Here are the basics. I love writing “Snide Remarks” but can’t justify the time and energy it requires if it’s not producing income, because I’m a freelance writer and not independently wealthy. And since no reputable publication will pay me to write “Snide Remarks,” I now come to YOU, the readers, to be my employers.

For $5,000, I will write “Snide Remarks” every week for a year. (Well, 50 columns. I get two weeks off.) It’s unseemly to discuss financial matters in such a public fashion, but there it is. That’s my price. Five grand for 50 columns. Now you people, you pitch in, pass the virtual hat around, and collect $5,000.

Kickstarter works on an all-or-nothing basis. We have until Feb. 1 to raise $5,000 in pledges. If that money is raised by Feb. 1, then I’ll write “Snide Remarks” every week for a year, starting March 7. If we don’t get $5,000 in pledges by Feb. 1, nobody pays anything, no columns are written, and everyone is sad.

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Happy New Year! 2011, specifically, is the year that I hope will prove happy for you. As usual, no one bothered to release any big new movies over New Year’s weekend, but we have some other things to discuss.

Here are my two end-of-the-year features: “The Best and Worst Movies of 2010″ and “Eric’s Media Inventory: What I Watched in 2010.” You may also be interested in the New Year’s Eve episode of “Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider,” in which Bayer and I discuss our favorite films of the year.

Also related: here’s a list of all the wide-release films of 2010, and links to my least awful 2010 articles from Film.com and Cinematical.

At Cinematical, I wrote “10 Festival Favorites That Didn’t Make It to Theaters in 2010″ and “The Lowest-Grossing Wide Release Movies of 2010.”

Over at Film.com, “What’s the Big Deal?” addresses “Sunset Boulevard,” and there are two editions of “Eric’s Bad Movies” for you to catch up on: “Fortress” and “Sssssss.”

Listen to “Movie B.S. with Bayer and Snider,” a weekly Internet radio show featuring Jeff Bayer and Eric D. Snider, at Cascadia.fm. It’s live at 11 a.m. (Pacific) every Friday, then downloadable as a podcast. Ignore the iTunes “explicit” tag; we always keep it PG.