(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

It is time once again to open Raven-Symone’s mailbag (if you know what I mean) and make fun of the simple-minded children who write to her. I would have run a new edition of this feature sooner, but the volume of mail received at Raven’s fake e-mail address has slowed to a trickle in recent months. Most of what she gets now is very generic (“Hi Raven, I love you!”) or consists only of her fans inviting her to join them on Facebook or MySpace or Beebo or JimJum or Froofraff or whatever.

But here’s what we do have! Enjoy!

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

May 15, 2008:

Is this raven -symone?(YES or NO)answer please>This is all I need to know.

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June 3, 2008:

Hi Raven

I watched the Oprah Show where it feature the reunion of the Cosby Show and Raven-Symone appeared on the show.

She looked fabulous and I really loved the lipgloss colour she has used on the show.

Could you please please let me know the brand name and the colour of the lipgloss please.

The colour she used was in a pale pinkish shade and it looked great on her skin colour and would like to have that please.

Do let me know.

Thanks
Annie

[Note how the letter begins by addressing Raven directly, then switches to referring to Raven in the third person. This is a literary device pioneered by Joyce and Faulkner, so I'm impressed that Annie was familiar with it.]

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(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

I thought we’d have a lot of e-mails regarding Raven’s new film “College Road Trip,” but there was only one that mentioned it, and it was an otherwise unremarkable e-mail, so I didn’t include it. Instead, it’s the usual mix of butchered English, logical puzzles, and references to Raven’s weight. Enjoy!

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Jan. 12, 2008:

THE FIRST THING IM GONNA SAY IS………..OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IM ACCTUALLY TALKING TO RAVEN SYMONE HERSELF!!!! [You're not!]
LET ME JUST INTRODUCE MYSELF,MY NAME IS TASNEEM AND IM FROM UAE [United Arab Emirates]
IM UR NUMBER ONE FAN IN UAE [possibly true],AND EVEN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! [probably not true]
I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPPY WHEN I SAW UR SITE!!
EVERYDAY, AT NIGHT WHATEVER DAY IT IS,I WATCH UR SHOW AND I CANT MISS AN EPISODE!!!
UR RLLLY MY FAVE AND WHAT I LIKE BEST IN U IS UR GD NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER CELEBS,U DONT WEAR CLOTHES THAT R OPEN AND SHORT CUZ FOR US THAT IS BAD, AND U DONT DO BAD THINGS,FOR PPL WHO R ARABS ITS BAD AND U R THE MOST ONE THAT DOZNT DO THAT
I RLLLLLY LOVE WATCHING UR SHOW CUZ ITS SOOOO FUNNY!!AND ITS SOO NICE IN EVERY WAY,I WILL BE SO HAPPY IF U ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND ACCTUALLY TALK 2 ME BY URSELF NOT SOMEONE ELSE
I RLLLLLY WANT TO TELL U THAT IF UR SHOW STOPS I WILL DIE CUZ I LUV IT SO PLZZ KEEP ON DOING NEW SHOWS FOREVER!! [Gulp. For heaven's sake, don't tell her that the show was canceled last year and the final episodes aired in November!]
U R MY FAVE CELEB PLZ STAY LIKE THIS AND DONT CHANGE AND BECOME BAD LIKE THE OTHERS LOOOL ["Laughing out out out loud"?]
PLZ COME TO THE UAE SO I CAN MEET U AND HOPEFULLY TAKE A PIC WITH U AND GET UR AUTOGRAPH!
PLZ PLZ ACCEPT ME ON MSN AND TALK WITH ME
AND PLZZZZ REPLY TO THIS EMAIL BY URSELF CUZ THAT WILL MEAN A LOTT TO ME PLZ DONT TLL SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR U TO ANSER IT!!
LOVE,
UR NUMBER ONE FAN
TASNEEM

[You are the most one that doesn't do that!]

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Continue reading…

(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

How have I allowed four months to pass since our last installment? It is shameful of me. That is why, even in the midst of all the more pressing tasks (i.e., the ones that pay $$$$) that I have before me, I have taken the time to compile another batch of hilarious e-mails. As always, my favorite parts are in bold type. Enjoy!

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Oct. 14, 2007:

HEY RAVEN MY NAME IS GORET AM 13 YEARS OLD AND U ARE MI ROLE MODEL.
I LOVE YOUR WORK AND I JUST THINK U ARE AMAZING.
AND AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER FANS THAT GO OVER THE
BOARD TO TRY AND GET YOUR INFORMATION.
I WILL REALLY LOVE TO MEET U ONE DAY IN
PERSON.AM COMING TO GEORGIA NEXT SUMMER TO VISIT MY COUSINS AND I HOPE TO HEAR MORE FROM YOU.
PLEASE CAN U ADD ME AT BEBO…THNX.U CAN REACH ME AT [e-mail address].pleaseee add me.

and remmember biggest fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

[That last part, with the elongated "fan," is creepy.]

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People have been posting stupid messages on the Internet for as long as the Internet has been around, maybe longer. I always thought it would be hard to single out the single stupidest message.

Until now.

As you know, I often post dumb e-mails written to Raven-Symone by fans who don’t realize the address they’re using is not actually her address. I post those e-mails here in this blog. On Saturday, someone named “Shanae” stumbled across one of the batches of Raven e-mails and posted the following comment. Read it carefully.

hello whoever this is,

i just wanted to say, you are so SICK TO ME. i mean you are saying raven fans are idots and they are not. that is making raven look like a bad person. raven if you ever read this you just lost a fan because of this fake person. i thought i should become a fan of tia and tamara mowery. i am just saying, whoever you are,since the people that write to the FAKE E-MAIL ADDRESS are stupid,you are just making yourself look like a bigger dumbie. i am so sorry raven for saying that but it is true. if you ever get the time, look at what this person is saying online. look at what your number 1 fans are saying. nobody should even e-mail you because of this stupid person. i dont even care if you show this e-mail to your friends,family,and husband this e-mail because it is not going to hurt me. you can thank this SICK PERSON FOR ME WRITING THIS LETTER.thank you and have a nice day or night. i am still going to be a fan but you are my 3rd favorite person in the world.

Continue reading…

(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

It would appear that Raven-Symone’s fans are getting stupider. I know! I wouldn’t have thought it was possible either, but here we are. As has become my custom, I have put my favorite passages in bold type.

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Aug. 10, 2007:
hi raven im shakira 4rm texas i love you so much i feel like i can talk to u i like in a person. Also ppl have said u were having a baby is that true. luv shkira

[Does "4rm" mean "from"? It should mean "forearm." "I'm Shakira, forearm Texas." I don't know what that would mean, though.]

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(For background on this feature, read the opening paragraphs of the previous entry. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)

This might be our last edition for a while. You’ll notice by the dates on the e-mails that we’ve FINALLY caught up with the backlog we had, and the e-mails don’t come in as frequently as they did when the address was first leaked. So enjoy this one, and hopefully we’ll have enough for another edition in a couple months!

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

May 27, 2007:
Y r liein to people and sayin ur rave and answerin the questions?

* * * * *

May 28, 2007:
hey raven i am from australia and iam your biggest fan and i love you and i got you msn and our time is diffrent to you so some time we should try to speak to
eachother.

["Our concept of 'time' is entirely different here in Australia. The clocks move backwards, and if something starts at 2:00, that means it actually happened yesterday."]

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Some kids don’t understand the Internet. They see their favorite celebrity’s name mentioned in a movie review, and they think whoever wrote the review knows that celebrity personally. So they write to the reviewer and ask, “Do you have Raven-Symone’s e-mail address?”

This causes the reviewer to post a blog entry making fun of these people — which only makes the problem worse, because now when you Google “Raven-Symone e-mail address,” the reviewer’s site comes up even higher on the search results. This causes more dumb kids to write asking for Raven’s address.

This causes the reviewer to post ANOTHER blog entry, which of course exacerbates the problem even further, Google-wise.

Finally, the reviewer posts a blog entry saying, “Here is Raven-Symone’s e-mail address: symone.raven@gmail.com. By the way, that’s not really her address. I registered it myself; the e-mails come to me. I’m posting it to see if you idiots actually write to it, which I’m sure you will, because you probably are not reading this sentence.”

Post-finally, people reprint that e-mail address all over the Web (without the “it’s not real” disclaimer, of course), and “Raven” gets hundreds and hundreds of e-mails. They are reprinted for you here, with the best parts in bold type, as:

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

Continue reading…

Some kids don’t understand the Internet. They see their favorite celebrity’s name mentioned in a movie review, and they think whoever wrote the review knows that celebrity personally. So they write to the reviewer and ask, “Do you have Raven-Symone’s e-mail address?”

This causes the reviewer to post a blog entry making fun of these people — which only makes the problem worse, because now when you Google “Raven-Symone e-mail address,” the reviewer’s site comes up even higher on the search results. This causes more dumb kids to write asking for Raven’s address.

This causes the reviewer to post ANOTHER blog entry, which of course exacerbates the problem even further, Google-wise.

Finally, the reviewer posts a blog entry saying, “Here is Raven-Symone’s e-mail address: symone.raven@gmail.com. By the way, that’s not really her address. I registered it myself; the e-mails come to me. I’m posting it to see if you idiots actually write to it, which I’m sure you will, because you probably are not reading this sentence.”

Post-finally, people reprint that e-mail address all over the Web (without the “it’s not real” disclaimer, of course), and “Raven” gets hundreds and hundreds of e-mails. They are reprinted for you here as:

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE

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For those of you just joining us, a while back I got annoyed with dumb people thinking that because I had reviewed someone’s movie, that must mean I had contact information for that person. In particular, Raven-Symone’s fans seemed certain I had her e-mail address and was simply holding out on them. So I registered a fake address, symone.raven@gmail.com, and posted it here, along with a clear disclaimer indicating it was NOT her actual address. I did this with the sure knowledge that people would write to it anyway. Which of course they did.

Over time, the address got passed around the Internet without my disclaimer, which means a lot of the people writing to “Raven” now are doing so in good faith, having no reason to know it’s not her real address. Those people we mock not for writing to Raven, but for doing so in such a hilarious and illiterate fashion.

In this super-sized edition, we start to see

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See the previous entries in this category (there’s a list in the right-hand column of this page) for details. Basically, these are people writing to an e-mail address that they mistakenly believe belongs to Raven-Symone. If you do not know who Raven-Symone is, then buddy, you haven’t lived.

The letters appear here just as they were sent. For easier browsing, I have put certain special passages in bold type.

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