Here is a transcript of everything Ricky Gervais said at the 2011 Golden Globes on Sunday night. This hardly does it justice, of course, since timing and delivery are so important. (You can see a video of the first four minutes — up through the Hugh Hefner bit — over here.) But you get the idea, and at least now it’s entered into the record. Also, except where it’s otherwise noted, everything that was supposed to get a laugh got one. You can watch the tape and see for yourself.
Everything Ricky Gervais said:
Hello, welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe awards, live from the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles. It’s gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.
Wow. Woo. So, let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife — as you do — went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard. And, uh, that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve?
Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year, voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. It was a big year for 3D movies. “Toy Story,” “Despicable Me,” “Tron.” Seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in “The Tourist.”
[There is no immediate reaction from the crowd. It takes a second for it to sink in.]
[Now there are some groans.]
I feel bad about that joke. No, I’ll tell you why. I’m jumping on the bandwagon, ’cause I haven’t even SEEN “The Tourist.” Who has?