Here is a conversation I had with my 3-year-old niece Lindsay last week:

HER: Do you like Buzz Lightyear?
ME: Yes.
HER: Do you like Woody?
ME: Yes.
HER: Does Woody like you?
ME: Uh, yes, I think so.
HER: Does he make you funny?

I think she meant “Does he make you laugh?” I kind of like her version, though. Am I funny? And if I am, did Woody make me that way? These are deep questions.

(That’s Lindsay on the right. On the left is Emily, my 8-year-old niece, who is also adorable. That’s me in the middle, also adorable, but in a different way.)

This whole business of not taking trips to New York has gone on long enough! I am taking a trip to New York!

I will be in The NYC May 1-7, seeing shows and doing touristy things. It will be purely a vacation, no work or anything. The Tribeca Film Festival will end the weekend I arrive, but Tribeca: meh.

I would also like to meet up with old friends and acquaintances who now live there. My last visit was in 2003, and since then, it seems like I’ve frequently heard of someone I know moving to New York, and I would think, “Oh, I’ll have to be sure to look them up next time I’m there.” Well, now I’m going and … I can’t really remember who’s there. I mean, you lose track of people, you know? Plus there are probably people who have moved to NYC without me even hearing about it.

So are you an old friend or friendly acquaintance or college buddy or professional colleague of mine who now lives in the NYC area? Maybe you should get a hold of me so we can have lunch or something! I think that would be fun!

Sunday was Totally Stupid Day (as some Provo jerk dubbed it years ago), also known as my birthday. How did you celebrate it? Did you think of me? I know I did!

One way I celebrated was by putting the finishing touches on today’s “Snide Remarks” column, entitled “You’ll Laugh Your Smirnoff!” I hope you find it edifying.

I also spent some time recording the audio version of the column, which was more complicated than usual owing to the nature of the column (which you’ll understand when you see it). I had to do different voices and everything! And I kept getting interrupted, what with all the well-wishers telephoning me to wish me well. It is burdensome to be so beloved!

Also, Lady Dawn made me a cake. She used to be a pastry chef, so she knows what she’s doing with regard to cake-making. It was devil’s food and it was delicious. Say what you will about the devil, but he’s got his act together food-wise.

Way back on Friday, I watched and reviewed a couple of unscreened new films: “September Dawn” and “War.” “War”: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Same goes for “September Dawn,” actually. Not Lady Dawn, though. She’s good for makin’ cakes!

I should have an exciting announcement later today, so stay tuned! (No, it is not that I am pregnant or getting married.)

My birthday is this Sunday — no gifts, please! But if you insist, here’s my Amazon wish list — and I share it with a friend of mine named Christopher. We were in the Garrens Comedy Troupe together back in the day, and then he married the sister of one of my best friends, so now he’s part of the family forever.

Anyway, Christopher’s wife C. Jane writes a delightful blog called C Jane Run, and this week she’s printing birthday greetings from his friends and family members. She asked me to contribute, and I was honored to do so! So honored, in fact, that I’m providing the link to what I wrote right here.

Since you aren’t here in person for me to show you the pictures in my wallet, I’ll have to brag about my adorable niece and nephew on my blog. Also, I don’t actually have any photos in my wallet, so being here in person wouldn’t help.

These were taken a couple nights ago. Here’s little Lindsay, 2 1/2 years old and so cute I want to devour her. Not in the creepy way that Hannibal Lecter devours people, but in the dignified way that you devour adorable children. You know what I mean.

And here is her new little brother Logan, born three months ago and apparently happy to just chill out. I have captioned the photo in a manner that seemed to reflect his mood, as if he were a lolcat.

AREN’T THESE CHILDREN CUTE???!!?!?! COULDN’T YOU JUST DIE?!??!!?!?

(P.S. I have another niece, and she is also cute, but I don’t have any pictures of her. You’ll have to take my word for it.)

Today the mailman brought me a package postmarked Orem, Utah. I know plenty of people there, but the name and address were unfamiliar. Was this the mail bomb I’ve been expecting for so long?

I opened the package to find a lovely card addressed to me, and a beautiful gift bag. I read the card. It said, in part:

I loved your “Muckoo for Mocoa Muffs” column. Imagine my delight when, that very day, I walked into Harmon’s grocery store and saw the best-named fake Cheerios ever on the end-cap of one of the health food aisles. I bought a box, intending to send it to you, but I have a little procrastination problem and am only just getting around to it.

Continue reading…

A box of Easter-themed love from Mom.

Well, she probably loves me the rest of the time, too. But it was made manifest yesterday when a box arrived in the mail containing the following items:

- several Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
- a Cadbury Creme Egg
- various jelly beans
- Hershey’s Truffle Kisses
- a batch of Mom’s legendary The Brownies

Continue reading…

Logan Ripken Snider, fresh from the womb.

Though fate and hygiene have thus far prevented me from spawning any offspring of my own, I am pleased to report that my brother has picked up some of the slack has produced a man-child!

Logan Ripken Snider was born last Friday, March 2, in Orem, Utah, the second child of Jeff and Beth Snider. He weighed 7 lbs., 9 oz., which is about 30 pounds less than his sister, Lindsay, weighed when she was born a couple years ago. Lindsay was huge. She was so big she had to be delivered not by C-section but by FedEx. We thought Jeff and Beth — both tall folks, and Jeff is not what you’d call svelte — were going to populate the earth with a race of giants, but Logan is a bit more average in size, though apparently his feet are big. So maybe he’ll just be really tall.

Continue reading…

Despite Colorado and Wyoming’s best efforts, I did make it safely back to Portland very late Sunday night. I drove for 17 1/2 hours straight, which is a record for me and which actually wasn’t too bad. I guess I got in The Zone. Also, I was listening to a book-on-CD recording of “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” which was delightful.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that there’s no new “Snide Remarks” this week, what with the unexpected trip and the even more unexpected complications. But as a consolation prize, I do have a new podcast recording of last week’s column, for all interested parties. You can find it here.

This story will presumably one day be funny and thus worthy of inclusion in a “Snide Remarks” column, so I don’t want to spoil it by sharing too many potentially amusing details here. But this is the gist of the story so far:

- After I wrecked my car last month, a faithful reader and friend offered me her 1994 Geo Prizm for free. The only condition? I’d have to fly to Ohio to get it.

- This was unbelievably generous of her, and I am forever grateful. I hasten to point out that none of the problems I’ve had subsequently have been the car’s fault.

- I flew to Ohio late Wednesday night, arriving early Thursday morning. I recuperated a bit, then hit the road, staying in Kansas City, Mo., Thursday night.

- I planned to make it to Ft. Collins, Co., by Friday night, and stay with a friend there. Under good conditions, the drive from KC to Denver is about eight hours.

- As I progressed westward in Colorado, however, and the sun went down, the roads became icy, slick, and steep. (Well, I guess they were steep in the daytime, too.)

- I got a flat tire. (OK, maybe kind of the car’s fault, but keep reading.) In trying to change it — in the zero-degree weather on the side of the road on I-70 — I discovered that the rim was rusted on to the axle. It WOULD NOT COME OFF. I banged, pried, kicked, leveraged, yelled, and prayed, all to no avail.

- Eventually I gave up and called for a tow truck.

- After an hour or so, a state trooper pulled up and reported that he had ordered all tow trucks off the roads. They (the roads) were too perilous and icy, and it wasn’t worth it. He gave me a ride into the nearest town, Limon, about 15 miles away, and I stayed at the Econo Lodge Friday night.

- This morning, a tow truck hauled my vehicle into Limon. On the way out to where my car had been left, we saw about a dozen cars stuck on the median or off on the side, having skidded off the road last night. I’m convinced that NOT changing my tire was the best option for me. Had I changed it, I’d have gone on my merry way toward Denver and maybe wound up upside-down somewhere, like so many other drivers did. At least the recalcitrant tire got me off the road.

- I had four new tires put on the car (it needed them, and I didn’t want to press my luck) and went on my way.

- I took I-70 into Denver, then I-25 north to Cheyenne, Wyo., where I met I-80 and headed west through Wyoming.

- At Laramie, I-80 was closed. That’s it, just closed. Bad weather ahead, and the entire state of Wyoming is located in the middle of nowhere, so no driving.

- I headed back east, thinking I might go back to Ft. Collins to stay with the friend I had originally planned to stay with Friday night, only I couldn’t get a hold of him. Not wanting to drive all the way and be unable to find him, I stopped in Cheyenne, where I am now staying at the lovely Super 8 motel.

- With the cost of the tow, the tires, and the two unplanned nights at hotels, the trip has now cost about $500 more than I expected. Still quite a bargain for a perfectly functional car, of course, but nonetheless, $500 more than expected. So now would be an excellent time to buy that merchandise you’ve had your eye on all this time!

- Cheyenne has a lot of truckers, more so tonight because of the road closure, and I do not like truckers. They say “he don’t” when they mean “he doesn’t,” for example. Surely you can see how I would be unpleased to be here.

Thanks in advance for your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers. I look forward to being on Portland roads again, which though they may be rain-soaked, at least are not icy, closed, or in Wyoming.