When I was in Salt Lake City in January, I saw a truck pulling one of those combination trailer/billboards. The ad was in support of Utah’s new school voucher program, wherein the state will pay you money not to send your kid to public school, or something like that.

Here is a picture I took of the billboard in question:

In case you can’t quite make it out, here’s an enlargement:

This is a pretty good endorsement for the voucher program, actually. The people who made this sign were probably educated by public schools, and look where it got them.

Today the mailman brought me a package postmarked Orem, Utah. I know plenty of people there, but the name and address were unfamiliar. Was this the mail bomb I’ve been expecting for so long?

I opened the package to find a lovely card addressed to me, and a beautiful gift bag. I read the card. It said, in part:

I loved your “Muckoo for Mocoa Muffs” column. Imagine my delight when, that very day, I walked into Harmon’s grocery store and saw the best-named fake Cheerios ever on the end-cap of one of the health food aisles. I bought a box, intending to send it to you, but I have a little procrastination problem and am only just getting around to it.

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A box of Easter-themed love from Mom.

Well, she probably loves me the rest of the time, too. But it was made manifest yesterday when a box arrived in the mail containing the following items:

- several Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs
- a Cadbury Creme Egg
- various jelly beans
- Hershey’s Truffle Kisses
- a batch of Mom’s legendary The Brownies

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Logan Ripken Snider, fresh from the womb.

Though fate and hygiene have thus far prevented me from spawning any offspring of my own, I am pleased to report that my brother has picked up some of the slack has produced a man-child!

Logan Ripken Snider was born last Friday, March 2, in Orem, Utah, the second child of Jeff and Beth Snider. He weighed 7 lbs., 9 oz., which is about 30 pounds less than his sister, Lindsay, weighed when she was born a couple years ago. Lindsay was huge. She was so big she had to be delivered not by C-section but by FedEx. We thought Jeff and Beth — both tall folks, and Jeff is not what you’d call svelte — were going to populate the earth with a race of giants, but Logan is a bit more average in size, though apparently his feet are big. So maybe he’ll just be really tall.

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No “Snide Remarks” today, kids, I’m sorry to inform you. I didn’t have enough time this week to develop anything good. Back next week, though.

In the meantime, enjoy this mugshot of actor Rip Torn, taken when he was arrested for drunken driving last Monday afternoon.

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Quiz: Is this my niece Lindsay from a few days ago, or is it Courtney Love at age 2?

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I thought so.

An old acquaintance (my high school girlfriend, actually, if you can believe that) forwarded me this amusing picture. Don’t tell the kids!

I thought I had spent my last New Year’s Eve in Provo, Utah, but somehow I was there again this year. And by “somehow” I mean “they paid me.”

Provo is one of many cities to hold a big celebration on New Year’s Eve called First Night. (Why “First Night” when it’s actually the last night of the year? Shouldn’t it be called “First Morning”?) The intersection of Center Street and University Avenue — the exact center of town — is closed off, and so are the streets one block in each direction. A fair-like atmosphere is created, with booths, food, games, and live entertainment. The businesses in that sector offer discounts to First Night revelers.

I was honored to be invited as one of five performers on the mainstage. Before and after me were your customary rock, pop and swing bands — and then there was me, playing the piano and singing funny songs.

The weather was cold and rainy, as you’d expect it to be on New Year’s Eve in Utah, but still there were many families out and about. I was given a very warm reception by the large-ish group of First Nighters who stood in front of the stage to watch me, and it was all around an enjoyable (not to mention lucrative) experience.

Only one thing marred the event for me. Every day that week, Provo’s newspaper, The Daily Herald — where I was a writer from 1996-2003 — ran a full-page ad listing the performers scheduled for First Night. Here is the ad:

You will notice, as I did, that my name is misspelled. In big letters. In a full-page ad. That ran every day for a week. In a newspaper I worked at for seven years.

Here’s to you, Daily Herald! Keep stupiding your way to the top!

So I’m watching the new Fox show “Prison Break” (for people who felt “24″ was just a little too realistic), and I see this sign posted on a fence in the prison yard:

And I think: Why is the man in the picture farting? Has the sound of shots being fired scared it out of him? Good heavens, what a scary place this prison must be!