You’ll have what the Flintstones would call a “gay old time” with this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic, “I Can See Queerly Now.” That’s because the column, published Aug. 10, 2003, talks about the trend of gay-themed TV shows that was developing at that time. Get it? That’s why I said “gay old time.” Because the column is about gay TV shows. Do you get it?

Coincidentally, this was one of the last columns I wrote for the Daily Herald, published a mere 10 days before my services at that paper were deemed no longer necessary. That had nothing to do with this particular column, of course — but then again, the scuttlebutt is that the Herald’s executive editor — we’ll call him Shrandy Shwright — saw my occasional dealing with controversial topics as a threat to the paper’s circulation numbers, and he recently told the newspaper’s publisher that he’d wanted to get rid of me ever since he joined the staff. So maybe this column, and other “hot button” columns like it, did contribute. Who can say? The important thing is, it’s been four years now (the anniversary was Monday, thank you), and I am very, very glad not to be working there anymore. I’d have chosen a different way of exiting, sure, but if the alternative was that I’d still be there now, in 2007, I’d take the ignominious firing.

Anyway, the point is, here’s a column about gay TV shows, which is soooo 2003.

I’ve written more than 550 “Snide Remarks” columns in the last 10 years, and I’m not ashamed to say that some of them have been absolute crap. There are deadlines involved, you see, and writing “Snide Remarks” has never, even in its heyday, been my sole occupation. Not that that’s any excuse. I’m just sayin’.

Here are my picks for the 10 worst “Snide Remarks” columns I’ve ever written. They are painful for me to read now. I hope glancing at them will help you appreciate the good ones all the more.

(P.S. Which columns would you have put on this list? Go ahead, let me have it.)

10. “The Young and the Viewerless” (Aug. 29, 2005)
This is the most recent column on the list. The idea was that I, a non-viewer, would watch one random episode of “The Young and the Restless,” summarize it for the reader, and see if that one episode made me interested in watching the show regularly. For some reason I thought my summary of the show would be a lot funnier than it was. Turns out it’s just boring.

9. “Shutteth Up!” (Feb. 2, 1998)
I attended a BYU production of “Romeo and Juliet,” leading to this column in which I a) made lame jokes about Shakespeare in general, and b) expressed frustration with people who talk and make other noise in the theater. The Shakespeare jokes were straight from a column I’d written seven years earlier, when I was in high school, and it shows. The other stuff was just rant-y and generic.

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One organization I’ve frequently enjoyed mocking in “Snide Remarks” is PETA, and one such column is this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic. It’s called “Pet Peeves” and it’s from May 25, 2003.

Funny news stories about animals, and PETA. That’s a fine combination, folks.

(For the record, this was the fourth time I had written a column about PETA. The other three were here, here, and here. Enjoy!)

This week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic column is #355, “Mister Wind,” in which a trip to the mall results in a stroll down memory lane. It was originally published on April 20, 2003. April 20 is also Hitler’s birthday, but that’s not really relevant here.

And to the person who posted this comment last week — “What I’m most interested in is the columns that will never be ‘Snide Remarks’ classics. Any chance you’ll let us know which those are?” — first of all, no one likes a smart-aleck, and second of all, yes! I’m preparing a feature to be posted very soon that will count down what I consider to be the 10 worst “Snide Remarks” columns ever. So that should be a great deal of fun. (We’ll balance it out with a list of the 10 best ones, too.)

We’re commemorating the 10th anniversary of “Snide Remarks” by highlighting an oldie-but-goodie every Wednesday in 2007. This week’s choice is a lighthearted tale called “Thinking Outside the Box,” in which we planned a special birthday surprise for my mom and in so doing almost made her wet her pants. It’s column #347, and it was published Feb. 23, 2003.

The reason I wanted to fly home for Mom’s birthday was that it was her 50th. I didn’t mention that in the column because in those days Daily Herald readers (being bastards) liked to complain that I was “too young.” If they disagreed with a movie review I wrote, it’s because I was too young to understand the world. If I made a joke they didn’t like, it’s because I was just a kid. Because of this, I was always careful not to mention my actual age, as it would have fueled the fire — and revealing that my mother was a mere 50 would have let the cat out of the bag that I was most likely only in my mid-20s myself.

Mom was actually 21 when she bore me (and quite married, thank you), and I was 28 when this column was published. But when the average age of your readers is 60, even 28 is “too young.” I suspect that even if I were writing for the Herald today, well into my 30s, most of the Herald’s ancient, fussy readership would consider me but a child.

Anyway, just because I can never get enough of it, here’s a picture of my mom with her favorite chihuahua poking his head out from betwixt her bosoms.

In honor of Pioneer Day, which was yesterday and which is an official state holiday in Utah, we present “Are We There Yet?” as this week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic column. It is #306, originally published July 24, 2002.

Pioneer Day commemorates the day in 1847 when the Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley, which led to the settling of Utah (if you don’t count the Indians as having already settled it, of course) (which no one does). This column purports to be a diary entry written by a Mormon pioneer woman on that fateful day 160 years ago. Enjoy this bit of fake history, won’t you?

Do you like reading columns about retarded dogs that poop everywhere? If so, then you’re in for a treat today! This week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic, entitled “Stuff Happens,” is an entry from Feb. 2, 2003, that addresses that very topic! It’s about the week I spent dogsitting for a friend and coworker. She thanked me with a $50 gift card at Nordstrom, which was very thoughtful of her. However, the psychological scars linger to this day, and no amount of overpriced department store merchandise can compensate for that.

This week’s “Snide Remarks” Classic is a delightful entry from Aug. 7, 2002, entitled “UVS-Legitima-C.” It indulges in what was one of my favorite pastimes when I wrote for the (Provo, Utah) Daily Herald: making fun of nearby Utah Valley State College. It also received some angry letters, which are always good for a laugh.

Oh, and while I have your attention (I do have your attention, don’t I? DON’T I?!): You should totally listen to this week’s “In the Dark” podcast, right here, because it contains elements of humorous comedy jokes! It’s an interview with Harry Potter — not the actor who plays him, but the actual Harry Potter. For reals! Listen, I implore you!

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July 24, 2006, “I Was a Junket Whore”: Fifteen minutes of Internet fame — oh, and it cost me a job, too.

This one earned me 15 minutes of Internet fame, but it had far more lasting repercussions than that: If it weren’t for this column, there is a very good chance that right now I would be the full-time film critic at a major weekly newspaper. Yep, this column cost me a job.

I had been freelancing movie reviews for Portland’s Willamette Week for several months when the paper’s full-time film critic, D., called to see if I wanted to go on this junket. It seemed like it would be fun to do once, just so I could say I did it, and I made the arrangements with Paramount Pictures.

My understanding was that I was going as a freelance writer, not as an official Willamette Week representative, and that WW would buy my story when I got back. The story would be your basic interview feature, incorporating the conversations I’d had with Oliver Stone and his actors.

Meanwhile, D. had announced that he was leaving WW, and the paper was seeking his replacement. The other writer who had been freelancing for them wasn’t applying for the job, which meant I was the only applicant who already had a foot in the door. D. indicated that if it were up to him, I’d be his replacement. He put me in touch with K., the features editor, and I went in for a job interview. It went well, K. liked me, I liked her, she was less interested in my past (I’d been fired from a newspaper a few years earlier) than in my ideas for the future, and things looked good.

Later that same day, July 19, I flew to Seattle for the junket.

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Jan. 23 & 25, 2002, “Towed You So” and “Gus Mileage”: A two-part series on tow-truck drivers earns the wrath of an entire profession.

My editors and I fielded many angry phone calls and letters when the first of these, about a bad experience with a towing company, was published. Naturally, the column to elicit the most wrath we’d had in years would be a two-parter, and my bosses were not exactly thrilled at the prospect of getting more angry calls and letters after part two was published. So we had to tone part two down quite a bit, more or less ruining it but successfully staving off the torch-wielding mobs.

These were published in January. In September of that year, I bought a new car at Provo’s Kia dealership, trading in my old Hyundai. (You thought there was nothing lower than a Hyundai, but that’s only because you had forgotten about Kia.) Unfortunately, I accidentally locked my keys in the Hyundai there at the dealership, right at the end of the business day. I had to leave in a hurry to get to Salt Lake City for something, so I didn’t have time to wait for someone to show up with a slim jim and unlock the car. Technically, the car now belonged to Kia anyway and was their problem, not mine, and they were friends with a local towing company that they figured could come over and unlock the car for them. They sent me on my way in my new Kia and said they’d deal with the Hyundai. Just come back tomorrow to get your personal belongings out of it, they said.

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