Nassau County in New York has recently stepped up its efforts to deter drunken driving by providing news media with the names, hometowns, and mugshots of its DWI arrestees. The idea is that if drunk people know getting arrested means they’ll be in the paper on Monday, then maybe that — if nothing else — will discourage them from getting behind the wheel.

The project is controversial, but that’s not what I wanted to tell you about. What I wanted to tell you about is one of the people they arrested over Memorial Day Weekend, a 17-year-old girl named Gianna Vigliotti. According to Newsday (via Gothamist), Gianna’s blood-alcohol level was 0.15 percent, almost twice the legal limit of 0.08. (Actually, since she’s underage, her legal limit is 0.00.) But she swears she wasn’t drinking. Her explanation? “I didn’t drink! I was kissing a boy who was drunk!”

Mmhmm. Are you really gonna try to sell that one to a judge? Teenagers are hilarious. Did you ever make up an extraordinary lie to avoid trouble, and then stick to it no matter what? I know I did.

So that’s funny already, and then there’s this quote from her family’s lawyer: “To now have (the arrest) publicized is not only embarrassing, but demeaning as well.”

Really, egghead? It’s embarrassing? Yeah: that’s kind of the point. “Your Honor, this highly publicized effort to embarrass drunken drivers has resulted in my client, a drunken driver, being embarrassed!”

(Also: “Embarrassing” and “demeaning” are almost synonymous anyway, but we’ll let that pass.)

(Also: Maybe Nassau County shouldn’t mess with this girl. With a name like Gianna Vigliotti, she is almost certainly the daughter of someone with Mob ties.)

This letter appeared in The Oregonian on April 3, in response to coverage of the Bruce Springsteen concert in Portland several days earlier:

Bruce Springsteen’s band member tells us that it is a rush to him to “turn your guitar amp up to 11 and scream and shout and be presenting amazing music.” Amazing to me that anyone older than a demented 6-year-old can call that racket “music.”

True, my standards are high, as they are generated by the Metropolitan Opera. But the reaction to the Springsteen noise proves the truth of the old adage that “some people grow up, others just grow old.”

Robert E. Vanderzanden
Woodburn, Ore.

Assuming this letter is legit and not meant as a joke, I have to conclude that Robert E. Vanderzanden is the following things:

1. Very, very old. Anyone who was younger than about 20 in the mid ’50s, when rock ‘n’ roll came around, would almost certainly have succumbed to at least SOME of its charms. To have such disdain for the entire art form — and Springsteen isn’t even “niche”; his stuff is pretty much basic, pure rock ‘n’ roll — you’d have to have been already set in your musical tastes in 1955. At least generally speaking.

2. A pompous crotchbag.

For the record, being a fan of the Metropolitan Opera does not automatically make you a pretentious, insufferable jerk. But citing it as a credential does.

“Look! When people enjoyed this bad movie, that wasn’t just an isolated incident! They have poor taste in general!”

I got an e-mail containing a press release from Peace Arch Entertainment, who is currently distributing “Chapter 27,” the film about the guy who shot John Lennon. You might know it as the movie where Jared Leto got really fat. The headline on the press release reads:

“PEACE ARCH ENTERTAINMENT EXPANDS RELEASE OF CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED ‘CHAPTER 27′”

Can you spot the funny part? That’s right: “critically acclaimed.” At the moment, Rotten Tomatoes has the film at 20%, with 24 negative reviews and only 6 positive. (It’ll be 25 negative as soon as I get around to posting mine.) The average score is 4 out of 10 — which means those who didn’t like it REALLY didn’t like it. Even champion quoted whore Pete Hammond panned it, and he gives out negative reviews about as often as Paula Abdul.

So how, exactly, is Chapter 27 “critically acclaimed”? I guess it did get acclaim from six people, and those people are critics, so technically the description is accurate. But come on, publicists. You’re not foolin’ anyone.

On the treadmill at the gym today, watching CNN with the closed captioning enabled, and the “news story” (I use the term loosely) is about Barack Obama bowling. The caption says this:

“Obama used bawdy language to will the ball away from the gutter.”

My interest was piqued — until I realized it was body language, not bawdy language, that he was using, and that the closed-captioning transcriber had messed up. Darn! Bawdy language would have been much more interesting. Stupid homophones….

I stumbled across this picture in conjunction with a show these clowns are doing in Boston. I was instantly terrified.

We can all agree, I’m sure, that clowns are evil creatures in league with the devil. This “Bucky” fellow looks particularly malevolent. The slogan “You will laugh until it hurts!” sounds like a vicious threat.

Then there’s this description of the show, which moves me from finding them creepy to being actively hateful toward them:

Chris & Gina Allison a.k.a. Bucky & GiGi aren’t just any clowns. These two comedians combine circus skills, physical comedy, mime, and comedy magic to create a memorable show that will leave children from 3 to 103 laughing out loud. Bucky & GiGi’s travels have taken them around the world, most recently to Liuzhou, China for their International Clown Festival.

Bucky’s goofy and lovable character is a bit of Jerry Lewis and Jim Carey mixed together, while GiGi’s school marm persona is just what Bucky needs to keep him in line…or at least try.

These two funsters will amaze and amuse both young and old with their comedic antics combined with magic and juggling.

I have never seen a 103-year-old child, and I do not wish to! I also do not wish to see the antics of anyone who can be accurately described as a “funster”! Why do we as a society continue to tolerate this?

Rob Zombie: “You see, the thing is, I’m oily and untalented.”

Grotesque filmmaker Rob Zombie and black-hearted Batman-villain impersonator Dick Cheney don’t have much in common. One delights in overseeing acts of cruelty and murder inflicted upon innocents; the other only does that in movies. But they’ve both recently made me chuckle and roll my eyes at them when comments they made years ago resurfaced and contradicted their current practices.

We previously talked about Cheney’s 1994 comments, where he said invading Baghdad during the Gulf War would have resulted in a “quagmire,” and that taking Saddam out of power wasn’t worth risking American soldiers’ lives. Plenty of people agree with that and wish he’d maintained that position, obviously.

And now check out what Rob Zombie — director of the recent hit “Halloween” — had to say in 2002 about the trend of remaking old horror films:

I feel it’s the worst thing any filmmaker can do. I actually got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved with the remake of [The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]. I said no [swear word] way! Those movies are perfect — you’re only going to make yourself look like an [swear word] by remaking them.

Continue reading…

“Boo hoo! A guy from the team I hate hates the team I love! Boo hoo hoo!”

Amusing story in the Boston Herald today about 10-year-old Red Sox fan Griffin Whitman, who attended his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game on Friday. Afterward, he managed to snag Yankee outfielder Shelley Duncan for an autograph — and the picture at right shows what Griffin wrote:

“Red Sox Suck! Shelley Duncan.”

The kid soon called the waaaahmbulance, and his mom had this to say: “This is someone who wears the Yankee uniform and is on the payroll and should be setting an example for 10-year-olds.”

My thoughts:

1. While I don’t follow sports very closely, it is my understanding that the Red Sox do, in fact, suck.

2. The antagonism between the Yankees and the Red Sox has existed for decades. If you show up wearing Red Sox paraphernalia and ask a Yankee for his autograph, you get what you deserve. I mean, what did he expect? “Thanks for supporting a team that hates us! After shouting obscenities at me and my fellow players for nine innings, I’m glad you took the time to request my autograph! Love, Shelley Duncan.”

3. If the kid were a TRUE Red Sox fan, he wouldn’t even WANT a Yankee’s autograph. A true fan would pretend to want it just so he could get close enough to break the Yankee’s kneecap.

4. “Shelley”? Really? Huh.

In Portland, Maine, a Baptist minister gave a sermon about how Christians should support Jews and the nation of Israel. The sermon’s point was to express love and admiration for the Jews. The sermon’s title: “The Only Way to Destroy the Jewish Race.”

The title was published in the church’s ad in the local paper the day before he preached the sermon. When people freaked out, the minister said he “never expected” the title to elicit a negative response.

Really? You didn’t think calling your sermon “The Only Way to Destroy the Jewish Race” might cause people to think you were delivering an anti-Semitic speech? Really? Huh.

Since I was late in posting this week’s “Snide Remarks,” and later still at doing the podcast for it, I give you this unrelated item to ponder. This is a conversation I overheard on the Portland State University campus. First speaker is a wispy Asian hipster boy with bleached hair. He is talking to his female friend. They are both about 18 years old.

WISPY ASIAN BOY: I don’t have style.
FEMALE FRIEND: How are you going to make a clothing line if you don’t have style?!
WISPY ASIAN BOY: I’m just kidding. I’m all about style.

The end.