Eric D. Snider

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Archive for the 'Snide Remarks-ish Musings' Category

My ‘best’ film-related pieces from 2011

Saturday, December 31st, 2011

Here is a pile of links to some of my one-off movie columns from this year that you might find “funny” or “interesting” or “not very long.” Except as noted, all of these were for Film.com, where my editor, Laremy, is nearly always responsible for coming up with the great topic.

Jan. 10: Predicting the Marketing Slogans of 2011.
Feb. 9:
Logical Problems Presented by “Just Go with It.”
March 2:
The 10 Commandments for Getting a Film into Sundance.
April 17: Why the “Don’t Think About It!” Argument Is Dumb.
June 22:
Unsettling Questions Raised by the Alternate Reality in “Cars.”
July 13:
A Long Column About the Length of Movies.
July 27:
The Pitch Meeting for “The Smurfs.”
Aug. 30:
A Fake Report from Our Fake Set Visit.
Sept. 7:
The Pitch Meeting for “I Don’t Know How She Does It.”
Oct. 7:
A Proper Gentleman from 19th Century England Reacts to Seeing “Human Centipede 2.” [Movies.com]
Oct. 10: Things Nicolas Cage Could Do That Would Theoretically Still Shock Us.
Oct. 18:
The Timeline for Winning Best Picture.
Nov. 1:
The Pitch Meeting for “New Year’s Eve.”
Nov. 9:
Logical Problems with a Horse That Goes to War.
Dec. 20:
The Next 35 “Alvin and the Chipmunks” Sequel Titles.

Congratulate me on my blessed event

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

So here’s what happened to me this morning. I arose at my customary hour and went about my usual routine. The specifics of the hour and the routine are of no import. The only unusual thing was that my lower back was hurting when I got up, but even this is not entirely unheard of. Apart from that, an absolutely normal day.

Then, while at my desk, I was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. Not the kind where you feel it creeping on gradually, but the kind where you suddenly realize, wow, I’m going to throw up RIGHT NOW.

I thought — and maybe even said aloud — “Huh. That’s weird.” For I had done nothing to cause nausea. I had consumed only what I usually consume in the morning: a glass of Slim-Fast and an apple. Not only are these things relatively healthy, they are what I consume every day. Even if I were starting each day with a glass of Jack Daniels and a pie, my body would be used to it by now.

Still, the evidence was incontrovertible. I was going to vomit. There being no reason for it didn’t change the fact that it was going to occur. I vomit so infrequently that this was, in itself, a momentous occasion. That it was to happen apparently unprovoked just made it more so.

I hurried to the bathroom and assumed the usual position, retched a couple times, and brought up only a couple small bits of apple. Nothing else. Yet I immediately felt relieved, though sweaty, and my day went back to normal.

So what happened? The only conclusion that makes any sense, given that I woke up with a sore lower back and had a sudden bout of nausea, is that I am pregnant. Neither of the two things normally required for pregnancy — i.e., being a woman and having recently had sex — apply to me, but what else could it be? And now that I look more closely at my gut, I do seem to be “showing.” Like I need another mouth to feed, in addition to my own, which obviously I am barely capable of feeding already.

The scrapped ‘Transformers’ parody

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

I started to write a parody of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” in the spirit of my “Twilight” and “Titanic” screenplays, but stopped before I got very far. I soon realized that, after less than a week of release, the movie had already been so thoroughly dissected, mocked, ridiculed, and satirized on the Interwebs that there wasn’t anything left for me to say. In the interest of completeness, however, here’s what I came up with before I abandoned the project.

My Rejected “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” Screenplay

SCENE 1

OPTIMUS PRIME:
(voice over) For the last two years, the Autobots have secretly been working with the U.S. military to hunt down and destroy the remaining Decepticons. We work in secret not because people would freak out if they knew alien robots were real, but because they’d be angry over how different the alien robots are from the alien robots they used to see in cartoons. Luckily, there were no witnesses to the large-scale, broad-daylight destruction of Los Angeles in the last film, so we’ve been able to keep the whole thing hush-hush.
ARMY GUY: Optimus! Shut up with your narrating and get to work! The Decepticons are attacking Beijing!
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, OK. Hey, do I need to put in for overtime on this?
ARMY GUY: No, just mark it on your time card and we’ll let H.R. sort it out. And save your receipts!

Continue reading…

An open letter to Mother Nature

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Dear Mother Nature:

You are a filthy whore. You are a wanton, depraved trollop devoid of all virtue. Your scandalous harlotry surpasses human understanding. So utterly putrid are your offenses that decent humankind is sickened by the vile rankness that emanates therefrom.

I have always admired your beauty and majesty. I have respected your power. I have sought to avoid the needless sullying of your pristine charms.

And this is how you repay me?

With the worst snowfall Portland has seen in a decade, just before Christmas, just in time to cancel every flight out of Portland International Airport?

I, who have done you no wrong, am to be prevented from being with my family on Christmas Day because of YOUR rancid excretions. I, who have never polluted your oceans or befouled your forests, and who usually remembers to recycle his newspapers, am to be denied the fellowship of my family for one reason and one reason alone: because YOU chose to void your infernal bowels and contaminate the land with over a foot of your heinous ordure.

“Can’t you just get a flight on standby?” I hear you ask, your raspy strumpet’s voice scratching across your cankerous lips. You and I both know that you caused most flights Saturday and Sunday to be canceled too, putting me in line behind hundreds of others also seeking standby seats. You know full well that any flight lucky enough to escape the now ruined precincts of this once fair city will be filled to capacity with the fortunate souls who happened to book tickets on it in the first place, accompanied by at most one or two standby passengers. You heard the representative from the airline tell me that, quite frankly, I don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting on standby anytime before Dec. 26 — an ironic choice of euphemism, given that your perverse actions have turned Portland into an unholy admixture of both snow and hell.

Do not think that your fiendish abominations will go unanswered, Mother Nature. From this moment forward I shall litter your beaches with Styrofoam, set fire to your prairies, and defecate in the walking paths of your state parks. You are now my sworn enemy, you malevolent shrew, you noxious harridan, you shameful, scabrous, fetid she-whore. May the glad tidings of the season find you grief-stricken and forlorn, and may you never cross me again or so help me I WILL END YOU.

Most sincerely,
Eric D. Snider

PETA would like to gross out Ben & Jerry’s customers

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

About a dozen alert readers sent me links today to this news item from PETA, in which the animal-rights terrorist group encourages Ben & Jerry’s to replace the cow’s milk in their ice cream with human milk.

PETA got the idea from the recent announcement that a Swedish restaurant was going to start using human milk, bought from willing female humans, in some of its recipes.

PETA’s logic, of course, is, “Hey, we here at PETA sure would like some attention!” Secondarily, PETA’s logic is that dairy cows endure a lot of hardship. Thirdly, PETA figures that human milk is probably healthier for humans than cow’s milk is, although let’s be honest, even if human milk were poisonous PETA would still encourage its use as long as it saved the life of an animal.

One of the people who sent me the story said she’d heard a radio crew coming up with names for Ben & Jerry’s flavors using milk from human female ladies. (Ben and Jerry aren’t actually considering doing this, of course.) The new flavors would have to be named after famous women. The favorite was Caramel Electra. I submit the following:

Gov. Sarah Praline
Mocha Winfrey
Cherry Stuart Masterson
Jennifer Love Nougat
Cocoa Chanel
Elizabeth Barrett Brownie
Lemony Dickinson
Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Molasses

The good news is, we got you a part…

Monday, August 25th, 2008

My friend Luscious Malone and I like to say this when we’re watching a movie or TV show in which an actor appears onscreen only briefly and only to do or say something dumb, demeaning, or embarrassing. For example:

“The good news is, we got you a part. The bad news is, you play Adam Sandler’s Elderly Sexual Partner #3 in ‘Zohan.’

Or:

“The good news is, we got you a part on ‘Lost.’ The bad news is, you’re going to emerge from one of the Others’ houses just in time to get shot.”

Last night I was watching an old TiVoed episode of “Law & Order: SVU” when I found myself saying this:

“The good news is, we got you a part. The bad news is, you play a forensics technician whose only line is telling Detective Benson at a Central Park murder scene, ‘My team’s looking for sperm clusters and foliage smears.’ Learn that line really well! Deliver it with gusto! Then be sure to put it on your demo tape!”

My team’s looking for sperm clusters and foliage smears. Yeesh. Thanks, SVU. You’re delightful.

There are better places to put that…

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

Gazing out the window at my local coffeehouse, I saw a guy ride past on a bicycle with a DVD case from Video Verite (a local rental place specializing in non-mainstream DVDs) sticking out of the back of his pants, half in and half out. It was too big to fit in his pocket, and he didn’t have a backpack or anything, so he put it there. I guess I just wanted to warn you that if you rent a DVD from Video Verite, there is a slight chance that it has recently spent time in a guy’s sweaty butt crack. Just FYI.

(Yes, of course I tried to get a picture, but he was gone before I could do it. It’s a shame, because it would have gone nicely in my Gallery of People’s Unfortunate Butt-Related Choices.)

Snippets from the ‘Snide Remarks’ cutting-room floor

Monday, August 18th, 2008

So here’s the thing. After I mentioned in “Snide Remarks” last week that I’d been in California for a wedding, I intended to write another column this week about the reception, where my job was to play pretty music on the piano.

But try as I might, I could not come up with more than five so-so paragraphs about the experience. My cousin asked me to play the piano; I did; the end. Nothing funny happened, nor did anything mundane happen that I could make seem funny by means of my scintillating wit and my gift for manipulating the English language.

So there is no “Snide Remarks” this week BUT! If you’re interested, here are the five paragraphs I managed to squeeze out before I hit the wall. Think of them as deleted scenes on the DVD of my life.

Continue reading…

“Bring It On” and Its Straight-to-Video Sequels, Past and Future

Monday, August 4th, 2008

(Thanks to my pals Smacky and Dave for a couple of these.)

“Bring It On” (2000)

“Bring It on Again” (2004)

“Bring It On: All or Nothing” (2006)

“Bring It On: In It to Win It” (2007)

“Bring Some More of It On” (2009)

“If There’s Any Still Left, Please Bring It” (2010)

“Bring It On 2: Electric Bringaloo” (2011)

“Bringin’ in the Rain” (2012)

“Stop Or My Mom Will Bring It” (2013)

“When in the Course of Human Events, It Becomes Necessary for One People to Dissolve the Political Bands Which Have Connected Them with Another, and to Assume Among the Powers of the Earth, the Separate and Equal Station to Which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God Entitle Them, a Decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind Requires that They Should Declare the Causes which Impel Them to Bring It On” (2014)

“I Know What You Brought Last Summer” (2015)

The Utah accent strikes again

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

I just discovered this news item from Salt Lake City in April. It seems a would-be robber walked into Cafe Trio, held out a bag to the cashier, and said “fill the bag.” Alas, the cashier thought the crook’s request had been to feel the bag — “feel” and “fill” are often pronounced identically in Utah — and so proceeded to reach out and feel the bag. The crook reportedly said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and stormed away empty-handed.

I feel bad for the criminal here. Apart from the attempted robbery, he did nothing wrong. “Fill the bag” is a reasonable thing to say, and he said it correctly. It’s not his fault people around him are used to hearing “fill” as a mispronunciation of “feel.” Let this be a lesson to those of you considering a career in crime. You must beware of regional homophones.

(P.S. Despite KSL’s assertion to the contrary, the restaurant is spelled Cafe Trio, not Cafe Treo. It’s an Italian place and the food is quite delicious.)

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