I stumbled across this picture in conjunction with a show these clowns are doing in Boston. I was instantly terrified.

We can all agree, I’m sure, that clowns are evil creatures in league with the devil. This “Bucky” fellow looks particularly malevolent. The slogan “You will laugh until it hurts!” sounds like a vicious threat.

Then there’s this description of the show, which moves me from finding them creepy to being actively hateful toward them:

Chris & Gina Allison a.k.a. Bucky & GiGi aren’t just any clowns. These two comedians combine circus skills, physical comedy, mime, and comedy magic to create a memorable show that will leave children from 3 to 103 laughing out loud. Bucky & GiGi’s travels have taken them around the world, most recently to Liuzhou, China for their International Clown Festival.

Bucky’s goofy and lovable character is a bit of Jerry Lewis and Jim Carey mixed together, while GiGi’s school marm persona is just what Bucky needs to keep him in line…or at least try.

These two funsters will amaze and amuse both young and old with their comedic antics combined with magic and juggling.

I have never seen a 103-year-old child, and I do not wish to! I also do not wish to see the antics of anyone who can be accurately described as a “funster”! Why do we as a society continue to tolerate this?

Rob Zombie: “You see, the thing is, I’m oily and untalented.”

Grotesque filmmaker Rob Zombie and black-hearted Batman-villain impersonator Dick Cheney don’t have much in common. One delights in overseeing acts of cruelty and murder inflicted upon innocents; the other only does that in movies. But they’ve both recently made me chuckle and roll my eyes at them when comments they made years ago resurfaced and contradicted their current practices.

We previously talked about Cheney’s 1994 comments, where he said invading Baghdad during the Gulf War would have resulted in a “quagmire,” and that taking Saddam out of power wasn’t worth risking American soldiers’ lives. Plenty of people agree with that and wish he’d maintained that position, obviously.

And now check out what Rob Zombie — director of the recent hit “Halloween” — had to say in 2002 about the trend of remaking old horror films:

I feel it’s the worst thing any filmmaker can do. I actually got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved with the remake of [The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]. I said no [swear word] way! Those movies are perfect — you’re only going to make yourself look like an [swear word] by remaking them.

Continue reading…

“Boo hoo! A guy from the team I hate hates the team I love! Boo hoo hoo!”

Amusing story in the Boston Herald today about 10-year-old Red Sox fan Griffin Whitman, who attended his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game on Friday. Afterward, he managed to snag Yankee outfielder Shelley Duncan for an autograph — and the picture at right shows what Griffin wrote:

“Red Sox Suck! Shelley Duncan.”

The kid soon called the waaaahmbulance, and his mom had this to say: “This is someone who wears the Yankee uniform and is on the payroll and should be setting an example for 10-year-olds.”

My thoughts:

1. While I don’t follow sports very closely, it is my understanding that the Red Sox do, in fact, suck.

2. The antagonism between the Yankees and the Red Sox has existed for decades. If you show up wearing Red Sox paraphernalia and ask a Yankee for his autograph, you get what you deserve. I mean, what did he expect? “Thanks for supporting a team that hates us! After shouting obscenities at me and my fellow players for nine innings, I’m glad you took the time to request my autograph! Love, Shelley Duncan.”

3. If the kid were a TRUE Red Sox fan, he wouldn’t even WANT a Yankee’s autograph. A true fan would pretend to want it just so he could get close enough to break the Yankee’s kneecap.

4. “Shelley”? Really? Huh.

In Portland, Maine, a Baptist minister gave a sermon about how Christians should support Jews and the nation of Israel. The sermon’s point was to express love and admiration for the Jews. The sermon’s title: “The Only Way to Destroy the Jewish Race.”

The title was published in the church’s ad in the local paper the day before he preached the sermon. When people freaked out, the minister said he “never expected” the title to elicit a negative response.

Really? You didn’t think calling your sermon “The Only Way to Destroy the Jewish Race” might cause people to think you were delivering an anti-Semitic speech? Really? Huh.

Since I was late in posting this week’s “Snide Remarks,” and later still at doing the podcast for it, I give you this unrelated item to ponder. This is a conversation I overheard on the Portland State University campus. First speaker is a wispy Asian hipster boy with bleached hair. He is talking to his female friend. They are both about 18 years old.

WISPY ASIAN BOY: I don’t have style.
FEMALE FRIEND: How are you going to make a clothing line if you don’t have style?!
WISPY ASIAN BOY: I’m just kidding. I’m all about style.

The end.

This story will presumably one day be funny and thus worthy of inclusion in a “Snide Remarks” column, so I don’t want to spoil it by sharing too many potentially amusing details here. But this is the gist of the story so far:

- After I wrecked my car last month, a faithful reader and friend offered me her 1994 Geo Prizm for free. The only condition? I’d have to fly to Ohio to get it.

- This was unbelievably generous of her, and I am forever grateful. I hasten to point out that none of the problems I’ve had subsequently have been the car’s fault.

- I flew to Ohio late Wednesday night, arriving early Thursday morning. I recuperated a bit, then hit the road, staying in Kansas City, Mo., Thursday night.

- I planned to make it to Ft. Collins, Co., by Friday night, and stay with a friend there. Under good conditions, the drive from KC to Denver is about eight hours.

- As I progressed westward in Colorado, however, and the sun went down, the roads became icy, slick, and steep. (Well, I guess they were steep in the daytime, too.)

- I got a flat tire. (OK, maybe kind of the car’s fault, but keep reading.) In trying to change it — in the zero-degree weather on the side of the road on I-70 — I discovered that the rim was rusted on to the axle. It WOULD NOT COME OFF. I banged, pried, kicked, leveraged, yelled, and prayed, all to no avail.

- Eventually I gave up and called for a tow truck.

- After an hour or so, a state trooper pulled up and reported that he had ordered all tow trucks off the roads. They (the roads) were too perilous and icy, and it wasn’t worth it. He gave me a ride into the nearest town, Limon, about 15 miles away, and I stayed at the Econo Lodge Friday night.

- This morning, a tow truck hauled my vehicle into Limon. On the way out to where my car had been left, we saw about a dozen cars stuck on the median or off on the side, having skidded off the road last night. I’m convinced that NOT changing my tire was the best option for me. Had I changed it, I’d have gone on my merry way toward Denver and maybe wound up upside-down somewhere, like so many other drivers did. At least the recalcitrant tire got me off the road.

- I had four new tires put on the car (it needed them, and I didn’t want to press my luck) and went on my way.

- I took I-70 into Denver, then I-25 north to Cheyenne, Wyo., where I met I-80 and headed west through Wyoming.

- At Laramie, I-80 was closed. That’s it, just closed. Bad weather ahead, and the entire state of Wyoming is located in the middle of nowhere, so no driving.

- I headed back east, thinking I might go back to Ft. Collins to stay with the friend I had originally planned to stay with Friday night, only I couldn’t get a hold of him. Not wanting to drive all the way and be unable to find him, I stopped in Cheyenne, where I am now staying at the lovely Super 8 motel.

- With the cost of the tow, the tires, and the two unplanned nights at hotels, the trip has now cost about $500 more than I expected. Still quite a bargain for a perfectly functional car, of course, but nonetheless, $500 more than expected. So now would be an excellent time to buy that merchandise you’ve had your eye on all this time!

- Cheyenne has a lot of truckers, more so tonight because of the road closure, and I do not like truckers. They say “he don’t” when they mean “he doesn’t,” for example. Surely you can see how I would be unpleased to be here.

Thanks in advance for your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers. I look forward to being on Portland roads again, which though they may be rain-soaked, at least are not icy, closed, or in Wyoming.

Perfectly Harmless Instant Messenger Statements That Will Get You in Trouble If the Government Is Spying on You

i thought my jokes about congress would kill, but they totally bombed

my dad’s gonna blow up at me when he finds out i helped toilet paper that white house down the street

she kept hijacking the conversation during the whole plane trip! it drove me crazy! i wanted to kill myself and everyone onboard!

my science teacher, mr. alkayda, has farts that are like chemical weapons

i am going to murder president george w bush

My friend Dawn recently sent me a text message while waiting for a film to start. I was out in the theater lobby, about to enter the same screening, but she didn’t know that yet. This was the first text message she had ever sent anyone, and she was excited about it, as you can see from what she wrote:

About to watch movie hahaha gah baa

Dawn makes a living as a professional writer.

So the other day I was at my new favorite cafe/office, The Fresh Pot, clacking away on my laptop and enjoying a tasty mug of hot white chocolate, when a man approached me and said, “Can I ask you about your laptop? Is that a new design?”

Now, I had noticed the man before, sitting at an adjacent table and clacking away on his own laptop, the very latest model from Apple. My computer, on the other hand, was an Apple iBook in the classic “clamshell” style, purchased in January 2001 and now fast approaching the end of its life. (Don’t worry, I have a lovely desktop model at home that I use for most of my computing. The laptop is only for when I’m at the office.)

I told the guy, “No, actually, it’s quite old. I bought it five years ago. I don’t think they even make these anymore.” (Subsequent research confirmed that they discontinued the product about six months after I bought mine.)

He was quite taken with the nifty design, though, and I realized my computer is so old, it’s “retro.” Maybe people will start buying these old iBooks in thrift stores and the Salvation Army and carry them around with their “vintage” clothes and ironic old slogan-bearing T-shirts.

In other words, maybe my crappy old laptop is so old, it’s cool again. Hooray for me!

In today’s Oregonian there’s a story about a family who were found alive and well after being missing for two weeks, stuck in their well-stocked mobile home on a snowy road in rural Oregon.

But that’s not what I wanted to tell you about. What I want to tell you about are the family’s two children, ages 10 and 8. Their names: Sabastyan and Gabrayell. First the stupidly misspelled names, then the ill-fated camping trip. Parents, why do you hate your children so much?