Daily Herald #5
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on October 31, 1992
As one of the nation's foremost political analysts, I feel it is my duty to help you, The Voter, decide whom you should vote for in the presidential election, which I believe is next week sometime. Here are some reasons to vote for all three candidates, and some reasons not to vote for them.
REASONS TO VOTE FOR GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH:
- He seems like a serious-yet-lovable grandfather, but the not kind of grandfather who plays "pull-my-finger" games with you.
- His wife looks like the Father of Our Country.
- If he loses, he'll join the ranks of the unemployed, whereas if Clinton loses, he can at least get a few gigs playing the saxophone, and who cares about Perot?
REASONS NOT TO VOTE FOR BUSH:
- Two words: President Quayle. (I wanted to get in one last Quayle joke before they become passé.)
- If he brings up The Character Issue one more time, I propose we not only don't vote for him, but we kill him, too.
- Let's face it, he's a geek, and so was Nixon, and look what happened to him.
REASONS TO VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON:
- Arkansas is a beautiful state, if you can ignore the psychotic hillbillies running around in overalls, mispronouncing words.
- He's just so dang cool.
- Al Gore looks like Superman.
REASONS NOT TO VOTE FOR CLINTON:
- Do we really want our nation's top two officials to be named "Bill" and "Al?" It sounds like the names of two guys who own an auto repair shop.
- In the debates, he kept talking about how wonderful Arkansas is since he took over as Governor 12 years ago, but I ask you this: Do we really want the whole country to be like Arkansas, a state where people sometimes marry their own mothers?
- Clinton seems like a rowdy uncle who comes over to visit and watches football and burps a lot and slaps your mother on the rear end when your father's not looking.
REASONS TO VOTE FOR H. ROSS PEROT:
- Indecisive, egotistical crybabies are popular in Hollywood; why not put one in the White House?
- During the vice-presidential debate, his running mate, Admiral James Stockdale, didn't get involved in the verbal fistfight, but instead just stood there, dazed and confused, and seemed genuinely surprised when the moderator called on him. "Who, ME?" he seemed to be saying. This is good, because vice-presidents are supposed to be goofy, wimpy guys that no one ever pays any attention to.
- Of the three choices, no presidential ticket will supply a more steady stream of humor material for the nation's columnists than the Perot/Stockdale ticket, and the last thing we want is a lot of unemployed columnists, because then they'll all be forced to go get real jobs.
REASONS NOT TO VOTE FOR PEROT:
- The Constitution states quite clearly that no President of the United States can be under four feet tall.
- His wife's name is Margot Perot. Say that out loud and see if you don't agree with me.
- He looks like one of those two old guys on "The Muppet Show" who used to sit in the balcony and make snide comments about the show.
And there you have it. Happy voting.
(Eric D. Snider is a freshman at BYU and a registered Republican. He is originally from Lake Elsinore, California.)
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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