Katz gets a death threat, via Laura, who is unclear on the details; she didn't press for more information because "I didn't want to make him angry--er." Katz tells Ben about the death threat ("I don't think this is funny," Katz says. "I disagree," says Ben), but Ben has his own news: Mrs. Shields, a neighbor, has asked him to babysit 4-year-old Jeffrey for an hour while she "goes out and smokes 20 cigarettes." Ben plans the job carefully, bringing "a compass, a buck-knife, a mirror, and a spool of thread"; Katz reminds him of all the pets that died when Ben was a kid because Ben assured him "they can live on love." Meanwhile, Katz is still bothered by the death threat, and tells Stan and Julie that's why he didn't stop by the bar last night ("That's good," says Stan. "I thought you were mad at me for something"). Turns out the death threat was more figurative than literal, and Katz asks Laura to keep that in mind for next time. NOTE: When Ben interrupts Katz's reading at breakfast, we see the book is called "Love Strings," and it's by someone named "H. Jon." H. Jon Benjamin, of course, is the name of the actor who plays Ben on the show. And "Love Strings" was a movie in #502.

• Brian Regan: Tried to move using UPS, but they want to know weight and girth of everything; the Girth Formula is complicated; he finally made up everything: "They each weight exactly 22 pounds and have a girth of 3." "Three what?" "Three girth units"; refrigerator salesmen do their best to sell what is really a simple product ("Keeps all your food cold"); getting his phone turned on ("It's just gonna be a big nightmare. That's our policy"); all they have to do is turn on a switch; staying with friends who insist he sleep on the fold-out couch with the death bar up the middle, "like you're sleeping on top of a doghouse"; likes the part in game shows when they talk to the contestants, but the host never asks any follow-up questions.
• Paul Kozlowski: Does an impression of a cat giving another cat directions, and a cow trying to get another cow's attention ("Moo!!"); working on ventriloquism; his two characters are "Tonguey" and "Heady"; kids used to make fun of him, first saying he was inbred, then taunting, "There's something wrong with you, we can't put our finger on it"; took a worthless self-defense class: "Arrrrgggh! I'm a monster!" and "Boooo! I'm a ghost!" are the two techniques he learned; asked his earliest childhood memory, he says, "I remember sitting around."