Laura takes the day off for no good reason, and Ben thinks it's because she's not happy there, particularly when Katz asks Ben to fill in and then brusquely changes his mind. Katz frets about whether Laura is happy -- "100 percent of my employees are unhappy," he muses. Stanley suggests "Intra-Office Primal Screaming." In an attempt to make things better, Katz makes Laura an "Administrative Assistant": "I won't be able to pay you as much, but there will be additional responsibilities," he tells her. Katz tries to convince Ben (and himself) that there is no problem with Laura, but then throws an office Christmas party -- even though his office consists only of him and Laura. Laura does show up, but she resists having her heart warmed by the goofily naive Katz, who keeps singing Christmas carols. "I have to go," she repeats several times, before finally saying, "You're coming so close to tugging on my heartstrings. Thanks." Highlight is over the credits, as Katz and Ben try to sing "Jingle Bells" in a round: "Dashing through the snow, now you!" "Dashing through the snow, now me!" "Dashing through the snow, now me!" "Dashing through the snow, now me!"

• Carol Leifer: Hates thin women who want to get thinner, who are so thin they can't get automatic supermarket doors to open for them; said ex-husband tricked her into getting married -- "He told me I was pregnant"; hated having sex with an optometrist, because he was always saying, "Is this better, or this?"; wonders how Playgirl stays in business, when all a woman has to do to see a naked man is to ask him.
• Ray Romano: Twin 2-year-olds egg each other on into mischief; one of them got an erection in the bathtub; his 4-year-old daughter came into the living room and named her toes: "Real cute, but when grandpa does it, it's a tragedy" (Fat Tony and Jimmy the Weasel are two of grandpa's toes); stayed at a little Mom & Pop casino in Las Vegas; instead of white tigers they have a white hamster; instead of Keno, a waitress comes to your table and says, "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten...."