Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Movie Review
"Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: D
Rating: PG
Released: Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Directed by:
Cast:
Being aimed at children isn't a valid excuse for a movie to be simple-minded and illogical. You know that, right? You know that that's what lazy filmmakers fall back on, don't you? "Well, so what if it doesn't make any sense. It's for kids!" NO. That is not acceptable. Countless others have made kids' movies that were smart and engaging, including several in 2009 alone. It can be done.
What's especially disappointing about "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel" (beyond the fact that it exists at all) is that its writers, Jon Vitti, Jonathan Aibel, and Glenn Berger, have been involved in some of of those high-quality efforts themselves. Their credits include "Monsters vs Aliens," "Kung Fu Panda," and TV's "King of the Hill" and "The Simpsons." You can imagine the characters in those stories making fun of a lame children's film like this. And yet here are their creators, making one.
To the extent that the film has a story, the story begins in Paris, where the computer-animated Chipmunks are performing for a sold-out crowd of screaming fans. Dave (Jason Lee), their caretaker and manager, is critically injured backstage in an Alvin-related accident, so his Aunt Jackie (Kathryn Joosten) offers to take care of the rodents while he recuperates. But then Aunt Jackie is herself critically injured, just as hilariously, leaving the Chipmunks in the care of her idiot grandson Toby (Zachary Levi), who only wants to play video games.
I assume all of this is the result of Jason Lee not wanting to be in the movie for more than a few minutes. As a character, Toby doesn't bring anything to the table that Dave didn't already have. The film barely even explores the possibilities inherent in Toby being a lousy babysitter. And then it's decided that, even though Dave is in a hospital in France, the Chipmunks will start attending public school. Because hey, why not? It's what all superstar musical sensations do, especially when they are woodland creatures.
The girls at school adore the Chipmunks for the same reason they adore the Jonas Brothers: they are cute and cuddly and sexually nonthreatening. And the boys hate the Chipmunks for the same reason they hate the Jonas Brothers: because the girls like them. One of boys, a jock, says to his friend, "Somebody's gonna have to knock these guys down to size." And his friend says, "That should be easy. They're only eight inches tall." KAZAAM! OH SNAP!
Alvin (voice of Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler), and Theodore (Jesse McCartney) don't like school AT ALL, let me tell you. But then the principal, Dr. Rubin (Wendie Malick), a huge Chipmunks fan, asks them to represent the school at a district-wide music competition, and the Chipmunks are glad to help out. Looks like school will be OK after all!
The next morning, the three of them are hiding in the toilet tank so that Toby won't make them go to school. In the break between scenes, the movie forgot what it had just said.
Also, remember when the jocks picked on the Chipmunks? One of them, whose name is Ryan (Kevin G. Schmidt), now sees that Alvin (voice of Justin Long) has some athletic prowess (what??), and suddenly he wants to be his best friend and get him on the football team. Well, sure. Why not? But will Alvin let his new friends in the sports department turn him against his brothers? Will the Big Game occur on the same night as the Big Music Competition? I am pained by the realization that this is the same plot as "High School Musical," but more pained to realize that I even know that.
Meanwhile, there are Chipettes. Yes, a trio of lady chipmunks who also sing and dance, their powers not explained but probably the result of a satanic pact. Their voices are provided by Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, and Christina Applegate, three very funny actresses who are completely wasting their time here. (Once a voice is digitally manipulated to sound like a Chipmunk, it is unrecognizable and could literally be anyone. If there was ever a reason not to bother casting "name" actors, this is it.) The Chipettes find Ian (David Cross), the slimy music-industry executive who was the villain in the first "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie, and get him to represent their careers. His strategy is to enroll them at the same high school as the Chipmunks and have the girls beat the boys for the chance to represent the school at the competition. Then the Chipmunks, Ian's enemies, will be shamed, and his new proteges will reign supreme!
To the extent that this film was directed at all, it was directed by Betty Thomas, whose past films make her the perfect choice. She dealt with talking animals in "Doctor Dolittle," TV adaptations in "The Brady Bunch Movie" and "I Spy," and famous rodents in "Howard Stern's Private Parts." She and her writers have no interest in making "Squeakquel" funny or clever or tolerable. They're not even interested in telling a cohesive story, one that follows a logical progression of events. Characters' motivations and personalities change depending on the needs of the current scene. But I guess all a movie really needs is for one of the Chipmunks to crawl under the blankets with Toby and then nearly suffocate when Toby farts. Hilarity!
Grade: D
Rated PG, silly violence, general mayhem
1 hr., 28 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 9 comments
December 23, 2009 at 4:54 pm
*sigh* The sisters will want to see it, but maybe I can put it off until it's on DVD. Thanks for the warning Eric, I had at least moderate hopes before reading this and now at least I know what I'm getting into.
December 23, 2009 at 7:46 pm
It feels like this review is only half finished.
December 24, 2009 at 6:39 pm
"I assume all of this is the result of Jason Lee not wanting to be in the movie for more than a few minutes."
Well, can you blame him?
December 24, 2009 at 7:45 pm
"I assume all of this is the result of Jason Lee not wanting to be in the movie for more than a few minutes."
I assumed the same thing, too. Weird.
iitarter: "It feels like this review is only half finished."
That's because you need to click on the link to see the rest.
December 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I was reading the Eric D. Snider review of Mulholland Drive (by David Lynch), and the review is primarily Eric's argument against the same supposedly problematic characteristic of Alvin and the Chipmunks: that it's illogical.
Thankfully, he included all the good things about the Lynch movie near the end of the review, after he had filled up his word-count with his crusade against illogic. But is it valuable to have a pre-written rant against all movies that don't make logical sense, and only addressing the unique and notable aspects of the film as an afterthought, an afterthought hugely biased by the pre-written rant?
For example, in this review, he says that because the chipmunk voices are made high-pitched and thus unrecognizable, celebrity talents are wasted. What about things like comic-timing, charismatic delivery, emotional range? Apparently, the only reason to include a celebrity in a cartoon is so people can recognize the voice, and thus know that the filmmakers spent a lot of money--who cares if their performance is better than that of an unknown.
Is that in any way a reasonable opinion, or is it Eric D. Snider getting carried away with his crusade against any and all movies, even those directed by legendary film-makers like David Lynch, whose parts don't all connect logically into tidy, totally-explainable-away wholes? If a movie can be reduced into a tidy explanation, I say give me the explanation and I'll skip the film. It saves time. But in the meantime I am getting a bit tired of repeatedly reading Snider's prejudiced attack against all movies who share a single unimportant characteristic in common.
December 27, 2009 at 12:16 am
@ben: Then don't read the review.
1) Anyone can write a bad, illogical movie, even David Lynch. Don't let the name prejudice you.
2) Logic doesn't have anything to do with including talking chipmunks in your movie. What it means is following your own rules. When you include a human or personified character, it means making them act like a human.
It's important as hell, and illogical movies only appeal to the ignorant masses. I can say with 100% confidence that if you think illogical movies can still be "good" (not "good because it's bad" but straight up "good") movies, then you're not a very smart person.
December 30, 2009 at 2:26 pm
that's quite elitist and self-serving, to label everyone who values different aspects of a film as part of the "ignorant masses" group and everyone who agrees with your point of view as more intelligent.
Even if this intellectual upper-echelon you speak of agrees with you insofar as to agree that a film should preferably follow its own rules (even I would agree with that, generally), I would imagine they would admit that there are, in addition to logic, a wide variety of other things that can add to or subtract from a good film. Things like cinematography, humor, drama, musicality, pacing, suspense, sound-design, casting, witty writing, setting, etc. etc.
Perhaps some people are such sticklers for logic that if there is a logical inconsistency---say, if a character acts differently in one scene than you would expect based on the rules for the universe of the film established previously in the film---these movie-watchers would allow that one inconsistency to ruin the experience of every other film aspect listed above, like the music, pacing, suspense, etc. However, that is their own problem and it is highly offensive and completely unsubstantiated to presume that all people who don't fall into that grumpy group are "not very smart people."
January 1, 2010 at 10:50 pm
I think that a great movie (or at least a fascinating movie) can have its fair share of flaws. Everyone has their sticking points. Some people can't stand logical gaps, some people can't stand a certain over-cool directing style, etc.
However, this is Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakquel. The end.
January 6, 2010 at 10:26 pm
I took my nephews to this at their request. Clearly, it wasn't the best movie I've seen, but I was amused. It was extremely fun to watch my nephews dance in their seats to the performances and cheer out loud for the Chipmunks. They didn't even interrupt the movie to ask questions about it. I wouldn't watch this one on my own, but I had a really good time with the kids.