Eric D. Snider
College Road Trip
Movie Review
"College Road Trip"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: F
Rating: G
Released: Friday, March 7, 2008
Directed by:
Cast:
"College Road Trip" stars Martin Lawrence, Raven-Symone, Donny Osmond, and a pig. Want to guess which one gives the most convincing performance? I'll give you a hint: it's the one who's chubby, fuzzy, and has a cute pink tail. That's right, Raven-Symone.
I hated every minute of this train wreck. While its ostensible purpose is to warm your heart and tickle your funny bone, the production is actually much more cynical and calculated than that. The real point of this movie is to separate the easily amused and the desperate-for-entertainment from their money, under the guise of "wholesome family programming." Sure, it's clean and family-friendly. But you know what else is? Lots of GOOD movies!
These people don't care. These people -- these untalented studio hacks who crank out putrid family comedies like sausages in a factory -- don't care that there are plenty of wholesome entertainment options that also happen to be clever, funny, and artistic. And why should they? They know people will pay to see this crap, too. Why bother making something good when the audience doesn't care either way?
Sigh. Anyway. The plot. Bright, headstrong Melanie Porter (Raven-Symone) wants to go to Georgetown University in the fall, but her overprotective buffoon of a father (Lawrence) wants her to stay close to home and go to a place he calls "Norfwestern," which I guess is also sometimes known as Northwestern. Still, he takes a road trip with her to Georgetown, and en route they have all manner of shenanigans and hijinks and what-have-you. Also, for some reason Melanie's science-nerd little brother Trey (Eshaya Draper) tags along and brings his pet pig with him.
Dad is a cop and has commandeered a police vehicle for the trip; obviously, the car must be destroyed at the movie's earliest convenience. This leaves the Porters walking to a motel that doesn't take pets, which requires them to wrap the pig in swaddling clothes and pretend it's a baby. Then the pig has no choice but to escape, run down the hall, and ruin a wedding. These are all mandatory actions when you are trying to make your movie as stupid as possible.
They hitch a ride for a while with a super-perky dad and daughter who are also on a college road trip. The dad is played by Donny Osmond, and the movie wants us to think he's annoying, irritating, and insufferable. And make no mistake, he is. I wanted to punch him every minute he was on the screen. But what's curious is that his behavior is no more outlandish, over-the-top, or tiresome than Martin Lawrence's -- and HIS character is just supposed to be funny.
The Porters eventually make it to Pittsburgh, where Grandma Porter lives, and where a couple of Melanie's friends are also staying for the night during their own college road trip. The friends are not necessary to the story, except that they're spending the night at a sorority house where one of their sisters lives, and Melanie sleeps there instead of at Grandma's, and that gives Dad a reason to sneak into the sorority house to spy and be overprotective and get caught and go to jail and hop around frantically and just generally make an ass of himself, and sweet gravy do I ever hate Martin Lawrence. I find him absolutely intolerable. I know this is a personal thing with me and that not everyone shares my opinion, but even taking him out of the equation, this is still an awful movie.
So the next morning Melanie and Dad have to fly the rest of the way to Washington D.C. If you know that D.C. is only 190 miles from Pittsburgh, you might think, "Why don't they just rent a car and drive? They'll be there in three hours, tops. Surely that would be cheaper and easier than flying." But that shows how little you know. The reason they have to fly is so that they can miss their flight, panic, and hitch a ride with a team of skydivers who are heading that way. Naturally, they will be unaware that the people they're riding with are skydivers, and that the plane will not actually land in Washington; it's just going to fly overhead and let everyone jump out. This means, of course, that the Porters have NO CHOICE but to parachute out of the plane, despite having no training and having signed no insurance waivers. And you have probably already guessed that they will land on a golf course just as the man whose wedding they previously ruined is making an easy putt on which a $20,000 bet lies, and they will cause him to miss the putt AND fall into a pond, whereupon they will flee for their lives and run to the Georgetown admissions office just in time for Melanie's interview -- because, wouldn't you know it, the golf course over which the plane dropped them is ON CAMPUS. Thank goodness for that lucky break!
I hated this movie.
It was written by the halfwits who wrote "Bubble Boy," along with a pair of newcomers. I'm going to mention their names only so they'll see how much I disliked their movie when they Google themselves. Emi Mochizuki, Carrie Evans, Cinco Paul, and Ken Daurio, if "College Road Trip" represents the zenith of your writing skills, then I urge you to seek other occupations.
I hated this movie. Not only is it a platform for the grotesquely unfunny Martin Lawrence to do his bug-eyed shtick yet again, it's also an infuriatingly lazy picture. You can tell they weren't even TRYING to be original or smart or creative. They took an astonishingly bad script -- one with so many contrivances, contradictions, and unmotivated actions that you'd assume it was a first draft and that its author was 7 years old -- and rushed to produce it as cheaply and easily as possible.
Defenders of the film will say, "Come on, lighten up! It's a family movie! It's for kids!" And you know what? That's a flimsy excuse. Like I said, plenty of artists make things for kids and actually work hard at it. If you want to reward half-hearted, soulless, mass-produced dreck, be my guest. But don't expect me to give it a pass just because it's G-rated.
Grade: F
Rated G
1 hr., 23 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 34 comments
March 6, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I love the number of times your hatred for this movie was emphasized throughout the review.
March 7, 2008 at 12:28 am
Angrier, less humorous and yet somehow more enjoyable than your average "hate" review. Speaking of Mr. Lawrence, the review for "Big Momma's House 2" is still your best hate review, in my humble opinion.
March 7, 2008 at 10:33 am
You mean you DON'T have Raven-Symone's email address? Since when?
March 7, 2008 at 11:10 am
Man, I was just thinking today when my "In the Dark" arrived that Eric was going to have to review this movie and that he would hate every minute of it and that he would contemplate suicide once again. Stay good, Eric, stay good!
March 7, 2008 at 11:38 am
Clumpy, I must disagree. As entertaining as ALL of Eric's F reviews are, I've re-read "She's the Man", "Just My Luck" and "Bratz" countless times, and they never cease to make me smile. I would vote any of them as his best hate review.
March 7, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Geez. I forgot those.
Eric didn't really HATE "Fantastic 4", per se, but that's also one of the best negative reviews.
March 7, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Eric's best review yet is 'Mona Lisa Smile' Check it out for a good laugh.
March 7, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Yeah, you guys are right. All those reviews are hilarious. Parts that made me laugh:
"He is a magical deaf boy indeed."
"Surely this is a remnant from a deleted scene, as it is never explained why a fricking mariachi band is sitting at the kitchen table, and why no one says anything about them."
The only "bad luck" involved is that apparently your parents were first cousins, you moron.
"Does anyone here know how pants work?"
Remember, in this movie, "unlucky" means "mentally handicapped.
You are in for a good time if you go to see "Mona Lisa Smile," particularly if you enjoy films about cold, catty women who lie constantly. (Don't worry; what few men there are in the film are dishonest, too.)
I do not mind her gaping, toothy maw when it is the source of strong, intelligent dialogue, but when all that emanates from it is verbal tedium, my mind wanders and I begin to contemplate whether it would be possible to fit both of my hands inside her mouth. (I believe it would. If I ever meet her, I will try.)
This film is a lot like "Dead Poet's Society," except crappy.
I've managed not to be murdered by anyone so far, too, and no one's making an action figure out of me.
It is frightening and monstrous, this mask, and cannot possibly have any native cultural significance, unless Latveria is a nation of robots.
Oh, really? Thanks, computer voice. I went blind for a minute there and didn't see the viewing station shield opening.
But "She's the Man" has more than I should copy and paste here. It's got to be the best. Though I've always liked "A Cinderella Story" and "The Perfect Man". Those reviews always make me laugh.
March 7, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Darnit! How could I have forgotten all about "The Perfect Man"?? It was one of the first Eric reviews I ever read! Shame on me, it's a classic! (The review, not the movie, though I guess that goes without saying...)
March 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I'd like to nominate Cop and a Half as my favorite Eric-hate-review.
Also, is there a law somewhere that all "wholesome family comedies" have to involve over-the-top slapstick?
March 7, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Eric, I know that seeing movies this bad makes you want to gouge your eyes out and will probably require you to go into therapy one of these days, but please don't stop. I enjoy your F reviews at least as much as your A reviews. Seriously, they're some of your best stuff.
Is it possible to make your list of movie reviews sort by the letter grade you give them? Or at least make it easier for us to find these incredibly hilarious hate reviews all in one place?
March 7, 2008 at 10:14 pm
I have a better idea...
I own two books by Roger Ebert compiled of negative movie reviews he has written over the years. (The first one, "I Hated Hated HATED This Movie", has a lot of reviews stretching back to the '70s, while the second, "Your Movie Sucks", has more recent ones, from about 1996 onward.) Movies that got two stars or less are all included, and they make for some fine entertaining reading.
Eric, I propose that you do the same. Compile all of your scathing reviews--for movies that got, say, a C- or lower--and make the into a book. The title would be up to you, though I would suggest "Rated PG, For Being A Stupid Pile of Garbage" (from the "Bratz" review) or "Like 'Dead Poet's Society', Only Crappy." Just putting them out there. Then you can sell said book on this site, as you do your "Snide Remarks" collections. (As a bonus chapter, I would include "The Collected Children's Letters to Raven-Symone") I would buy this book in a heartbeat, as I assume many other would as well.
What do you think, Eric? (If you take me up on this idea, I only ask that you dedicate the book to me. It's not asking too much, is it? I'm such a glory hog...)
March 7, 2008 at 11:36 pm
This has actually been thrown around. I bought the two Snide Remarks books and heaven knows I'd buy the "Hated Hated HATED" Snider equivalent. Something's different about having a hard copy.
March 8, 2008 at 12:17 am
I just have to add my voice for this as well; Heck yes, I would buy that book.
March 8, 2008 at 6:23 am
Teenage white boys have a fascination with black comedies these days but
why produce a lame film such as this? Martin Lawrence should step back for a while.
March 8, 2008 at 8:39 am
I appreciate the love for the horrible reviews, truly. If I genuinely thought more than a handful of people would buy a book of reviews they can already read for free online, I would publish one. In the meantime, if you go to the main movies page and click where it says to click here for a list of all my reviews, you can then sort them any way you want -- by title, grade, rating, or release date.
March 8, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I love this movie
March 10, 2008 at 11:40 pm
The "She's the Man" review commentary is very similar to the Raven Symone e-mail.
March 13, 2008 at 7:37 am
My vote goes to Eric's "Mortal Kombat" review. "Before you even have time to puzzle over the fact that the deceased clearly is not your brother..." cracks me up every time I read it. There are countless lines in this review that are simply priceless.
I also love all of the "Friday the 13th" reviews.
March 13, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I'm just excited about the latest influx of "Letters to Raven-Symone" that are sure to follow this review.
March 13, 2008 at 7:19 pm
The terrible qualities of Disney Channel shows are starting to seep into Disney's movies.
If they ever come out with a Suite Life of Zach and Cody movie feel free to shoot me.
March 14, 2008 at 7:57 am
I can't believe that you all think that calling a young lady a "pig is funny! What is this world coming when adults make derogatory remarks such as this and other adults are amused. Shame on you!
March 14, 2008 at 2:19 pm
You know what I would love, now that Eric has nixed the book idea? If there was a blog feature where we all got to nominate and vote on Eric's best negative review. The top ten negative reviews would be so great. Plus, then I wouldn't have to go searching for them.
In addition to the movie's already mentioned (and Bratz is the best), the review of Stealth is so awesome.
March 14, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I am so embarrassed by my misplaced apostrophe. And after Eric's rant a few weeks ago! I know it's supposed to be 'movies'. And now I go to die in shame.
March 16, 2008 at 11:53 am
I wish the awfulness that is "Day of Defense" was available on DVD. It truly is the worst movie I've ever seen and will probably always be my favorite of Eric's F reviews.
March 19, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Wow, Eric. I somehow missed this "sort" feature for movie reviews. Thanks for wasting my afternoon. No, really - thanks.
March 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Sorry for the double post.
"Day of Defense" (the book) is terrible because it encourages religious flamewarz, and doesn't teach LDS doctrine correctly to boot. It's nearly all based on original research and scripture-twisting. In context it's interesting, but when people don't understand what it is and why it was created (or, worse, take it all seriously), it can be volatile. I don't see how a film adaptation could overcome these issues.
March 21, 2008 at 9:41 am
I have a general comment on letting kids watch crappy shows. I'm posting it here because I can't think of a better place on this site (not that I tried too hard), and I don't have my own blog.
I have young children, and they will watch as much Disney Channel crap as I allow them to. In fact, they recently discovered that the Disney Channel website hosts full-length episodes, so when I don't let them watch TV, they ask, "can I go on the computer then?" But I'm onto them. They won't get away with that crap.
If I were the one who was home with the kids, they would never watch a minute of the Disney channel, because all of the shows on it are incredibly stupid. I am sick of people saying, "well, you think it's stupid, but the kids like it, so what's the harm?" Franky, my kids are not the best judges of what is good for them. Sure, they love the crap that Disney churns out. They would also gladly eat Hostess Ding-Dongs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I've never heard anyone say, "Well, that's gross, but the kids like it, so..."
March 28, 2008 at 10:51 am
I've been reading Eric's stuff since my BYU days, and his F reviews still make me laugh out loud every time. Thank you, Eric. Thank you.
April 3, 2008 at 10:43 am
I just looked up some of your old reviews by letter grade...your F grades are by far the funniest reviews I've ever seen. I'm going to keep an eye out for bad movies now...LOL
April 4, 2008 at 10:27 am
eshaya is the most exciting person in the world and so is raven symone .
April 6, 2008 at 8:13 am
#28 is not the greatest review no one should let their kids not watch Disney channel.It is great and fun to watch, i even enjoy it. Wizards of waveriy place rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 12, 2008 at 10:06 am
The movie was good actually how old r all of you?
April 21, 2008 at 11:59 pm
we had to go to it for a class field trip Im 16 why the F*** did we have to go to that one it was as boring as watching paint dry