The Spy Next Door
Movie Review
"The Spy Next Door"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: D+
Rating: PG
Released: Friday, January 15, 2010
Directed by:
Cast:
When Jackie Chan gave up on acting and decided to retire, he didn't issue a press release, he made "The Spy Next Door." The message is poignant and unmistakable: I give up. I have been defeated. My career no longer means anything to me.
It's sad to see a once-vital star burn out, especially one as likable as Chan, but that sadness wears off quickly while watching "The Spy Next Door." It is replaced by exasperation, and then annoyance as you realize that what you are watching is the same movie as "The Pacifier," starring Vin Diesel, which you didn't like then, either.
Chan plays Bob Ho, a Chinese spy who was loaned to the CIA and is now retiring so he can settle down and marry his girlfriend, Gillian (Amber Valletta), who lives next door and doesn't know he's a spy. She thinks he's a pen importer. Around her, Bob acts like a boring geek, wears eyeglasses, and hides his super-spy abilities. Gillian loves that he's normal and reliable, not like her ex-husband, who ran off and left her with three kids.
Oh yes! Gillian has three children: Farren (Madeline Carroll), 13, who still thinks Dad is going to come back; Ian (Will Shadley), about 10, a science nerd and a target for bullies; and Nora (Alina Foley), 4, whose job is to be adorable. The kids don't want Mom to marry Bob. They think he's a doofus. They may also object to the 20-year age difference between them, although this is not expressed outright.
So Gillian has to go out of town because her father's in the hospital, and Bob volunteers to babysit so he can bond with the children. This is where we learn that, for all his many talents in the field of espionage, Bob is incompetent as a cook and nanny! Why, he dumps the entire box of Quaker oatmeal into the pot! And he tries to take muffins out of the oven with his bare hands -- yowch! It isn't until he starts using spy gadgets that he gets the household in order: a tracking device on Nora so she won't get lost, and a miniature flamethrower to cook the toast and bacon. (Why this is easier than simply using a toaster and a frying pan, I do not know. Just remember that a SPY having to do MUNDANE KITCHEN THINGS is HILARIOUS.)
Meanwhile, a Russian terrorist named Poldark (Magnus Scheving) has escaped CIA custody and is looking for a top-secret code that young Ian accidentally downloaded from Bob's computer, which means Poldark and his goons are going to show up any minute now and kill them all. Bob must save the children -- and the world!
Will it impress you to learn that Bob's CIA friends are played by George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus? And that Cyrus, sporting a soul patch, earrings, and pointy sideburns, is apparently visiting us from 1998? No? OK.
Despite the many imminent threats from Poldark and his crew, no one ever calls the police, not even when Bob is racing back to Gillian's house because he knows Poldark is on his way there. None of the technology makes sense; Bob's skills occasionally verge on the supernatural; the dialogue is purely functional, devoid of wit. To have any hope of enduring this film, you must abandon all expectations of reason, logic, or laughter.
It is clear that the three credited screenwriters -- veterans of "Just My Luck," "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector," and "Tomcats" -- had no interest in producing something clever, and they probably had little incentive to do so. The director, Brian Levant, whose previous awful kid comedies include "Jingle All the Way" and "Are We There Yet?," knew all he needed to sell the film to audiences were some scenes of Jackie Chan doing his fast-paced martial-arts thing and the image of Chan holding a mop or a vacuum cleaner or something. The old guy is still fun to watch when he's fighting; every now and then in "The Spy Next Door" you catch a glimpse of why you like his movies. Then the glimpse fades and it's back to the domestic shenanigans, which are routine and uninspired and depressing. Send us a postcard from oblivion, Jackie!
Note: Contrary to regular industry practice, this film was not screened for critics before opening.
Grade: D+
Rated PG, action violence, overwhelming sense of disappointment
1 hr., 32 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 11 comments
January 22, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I have no desire whatsoever to see this movie at any point in my life. I just want to say that the trailer for this movie is one of the best examples of comedic failure I have ever seen. If I didn't know better I would have thought it was a parody trailer of bad movies. It goes through just about every trailer cliche in existance. And every clip featured just doubles the failure already present. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9CTx4hsa9c
January 22, 2010 at 3:28 pm
So sad. I'd always hoped Jackie would die in a terribly misguided stunt before he made really bad American movies. Then he made Rush Hour. Sigh.
January 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm
You know, aaron, you don't actually have to see this movie. Eric Snider does because of his journalistic obligations, but you have a choice; Jackie Chan doesn't have to die a horrible death to prevent you from having to face that decision.
January 24, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Actually Jahar........I think you misunderstood Aaron's comment. I don't think he had any intention of seeing the movie. He was just hoping that Chan would have his legacy protected. He felt the only way that could happen would be for him to not sell out and make poor movies. I agree that he used a poor choice of words but he honestly fell a stunt tragedy would be the only think that would keep him from taking the money. He was not worried about being forced to see this movie.
January 25, 2010 at 10:02 am
Oh, I think I understood it perfectly. I was just ribbing him a little on the somewhat gruesome choice of metaphor.
January 25, 2010 at 5:03 pm
"When Jackie Chan gave up on acting and decided to retire, he didn't issue a press release, he made "The Spy Next Door." The message is poignant and unmistakable: I give up. I have been defeated. My career no longer means anything to me."
This is why I read this site. LoL.
April 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm
i thought this was going to start good... but later it started to get sadder i was starting to get bored zzzzzz but at the end it was a little bit better when he turns back into the spy but it made me wonder about the ending when he comes bach after the mission and met his family... or does he...
April 15, 2010 at 9:44 pm
i think i would probably enjoy this, since i actually enjoy tough-guys-as-babysitters flicks (Mr. Nanny, The Pacifier, The Game Plan) for their sheer so-stupid-it's-funny type of humor. i could see Jackie Chan finishing his career with even more lame kiddie flicks after this.
June 13, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Ok, I admit this is not one of Jackie Chan's best works, and there are some silly characters especially with the bad guys, but why are people saying mean things about him being old and that he should retire? You guys are right, he is getting old and he's gotten a little slower in his age, but you know what, he still has many loyal fans. I didn't think this movie was all that bad, it's a family comedy film, and it's what I expected. I wasn't expecting Rush Hour or Shanghai movies, they're totally different themes/genre compared to this movie. It would be like comparing Walt Disney films to Quentin Tarantino films (and btw Quentin Tarantino is a big fan of Jackie Chan). You guys don't like this movie because you were expecting a martial arts comedy film all because we are used to seeing Jackie Chan doing amazing stunts and martial arts. This was more than just a action movie, Jackie Chan is a family man, and there's a lot of emotion to this story, something we are not used to seeing in his films. He sings to the little girl and I don't know if anyone knows this but he's known for his singing in Hong Kong. In the U.S. we just see him as a martial arts stunt man. Also, so what if this movie is similar with other movies, all movies are inspired or based on something (even the Twilight series were inspired by a dream).
Just a side note, it's really not Jackie Chan's fault for choosing films like this, I think most people know there are very few roles in Hollywood for a leading asian man other than martial arts and Jackie Chan has said he doesn't want to be viewed just as an action star (he's not a big fan of the Rush Hour movies).
December 31, 2010 at 1:32 am
Just saw this with the kids tonight. I enjoyed this review more than I did the movie. At least the kids liked it (note: they also like eating boogers).
November 25, 2011 at 10:29 am
I watched this movie last night, against my will, due to having extended family in town. But you know, I thought it was actually better than a D+, but perhaps only because the title and intro scene left me with little doubt as to what I was in for, plus I was trying to appreciate what the movie might seem like to a 4-year old. I think a C- is more along the right lines.