Vampires Suck
Movie Review
"Vampires Suck"
Review by Eric D. Snider
Grade: D-
Rating: PG-13
Released: Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Directed by:
Cast:
In "Vampires Suck," the "Twilight" spoof by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the Bella character points out the Cullen family and asks a classmate about them. The classmate says:
Their skin is ice-cold, they feed on human flesh, and they all sleep in coffins. Maybe they're Canadian.
In my own "Twilight" parody script, widely disseminated on the Internetz in 2008, the classmate in the same situation says:
They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians.
I am comforted to know that while Friedberg and Seltzer cannot produce actual humor themselves, at least they know a good joke when they see one.
It looked for a while like we'd seen the last of these two paralyzingly untalented writer-directors. After a 30-month span in which they released "Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Meet the Spartans," and "Disaster Movie", they were silent. "Disaster Movie" made considerably less money than the others had. Perhaps the market for broad, derivative pop-culture spoofs had dried up.
Ah, but then along came "Twilight." It's almost as popular to hate that franchise as it is to love it, so Friedberg and Seltzer knew they'd have a built-in audience. Plus, it's an audience that's generally too young to remember (or know, or care) that this spoof comes from the same people who made some really, really awful comedies a few years ago. It's making fun of "Twilight"? Sold!
"Vampires Suck" actually does represent a step forward for Friedberg and Seltzer. Their past atrocities have been embarrassing mishmashes of lame references to whatever was current. "Disaster Movie," for example, was only barely a spoof of disaster movies; it also included "jokes" (under certain broad definitions of the term) about "Juno" and "Sex and the City," plus "impersonations" (see previous parenthetical) of easy targets like Dr. Phil and Amy Winehouse. "Vampires Suck" is surprisingly restrained. Apart from momentary (and unfunny) references to "Alice in Wonderland" and "Dear John," it focuses almost exclusively on parodying the plots of "Twilight" and "New Moon."
In other words, it achieves the basic minimum level of narrative competence. Break out the champagne!
Still not funny, though. People have been cracking jokes about glittery vampires and shirtless werewolves for almost two years -- eons in pop-culture time -- and "Vampires Suck" doesn't come up with any new ones. Much of the dialogue is written after the fashion of the old MAD Magazine movie satires, where the characters vocalize their thoughts matter-of-factly -- a style that works when it appears in dialogue bubbles in comic books, not when it's coming out of the mouths of real people. Many of the gags refer to specific elements of the "Twilight" films, to the extent that if you haven't seen those movies (and have the people who hate "Twilight" the most actually seen them?) you won't get the joke.
Also, an awful lot of the gags are related to punching someone. The only jokes that are lazier are the ones involving bodily functions, of which there are also several.
I will say this, though. Jenn Proske, who plays the Bella character, does a respectable job of mimicking Kristen Stewart's mannerisms, like biting her lip and pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Where Matt Lanter and Christopher N. Riggi, as the Edward and Jacob characters, merely try to pull off a physical resemblance, Proske actually does an impersonation of the character. Her performance is so close to what a real actor would do in a real spoof that I'm surprised Friedberg and Seltzer didn't burst into flames when they saw it.
Grade: D-
Rated PG-13, some profanity, a lot of vulgarity and innuendo, brief nonsexual nudity, comic violence
1 hr., 20 min.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 10 comments
August 19, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Your version was funnier. Pity they messed with it, although I suppose they could hardly risk boosting it word-for-word.
My impression from the trailer was that the quality of their Bella's acting was disturbingly close to K-Stew's own. While that thought is amusing in the abstract, I can't imagine that it helped the movie itself be any more watchable.
Thanks for watching so we don't have to!
August 20, 2010 at 9:44 am
At least there are no Kardashians in this one, which HAS to be regarded as a step up; I noticed in the IMDB cast list that onetime comedy lord Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall, NewsRadio) is (barely?) in the movie-can this be true??? Talk about a tragic fall from grace that even the likes of Chevy Chase and Pauly Shore have somehow managed to dodge ;(
August 20, 2010 at 2:58 pm
You must have lost your mind when you were watching it and they stole your joke. I think you should find a way to get in touch with them and threaten to sue them (unless they give you something). Let's say the movie has 10 funny jokes/gags. I realize that it probably doesn't but let's say it does. If the movie makes a 10 million dollars profit when it's all said and done (which it might since parodies are cheap to make). You deserve 1 million bucks. Now, I realize they might cave and offer you a settlement of like 1,000 bucks. As your lawyer I think you should accept anything over 500 dollars and a letter of apology admitting they stole your joke.
August 20, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Maybe the producers will see this and hire you to write the screenplay for the next movie in the "Movie" series. The best thing about writing one of those movies is that there is no pressure for your script to be actually funny since none of them ever are. Of course, I'm sure yours would be funny! On second thought, that could be a reason they wouldn't let you write it. I think that might interfere with whatever sort of conspiracy they've got to be running.
August 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Looks like they're getting smart. I didn't see one thing to the effect of "From the producers of X Movie!" In any of the previews I saw. Maybe Friedberg and Seltzer have taught themselves a new human emotion that comes close to "Shame."
August 22, 2010 at 9:52 am
Why would anyone brag about being connected to that franchise? That's like saying, "From the producers of the Roman Polanski sex tape!" in your previews.
August 24, 2010 at 9:08 am
Well the point is that every one of these damn Movies has had "from the X of [Previous Movie movie]" on the box/tagline/previews.
I (unfortunately) saw Date Movie. Not in theaters, and I didn't pay for it! I haven't seen any of the others.
I really wish someone with talent would represent the community of Twilight Haters, rather than these jokers.
I recently bought "Nitelight" (I think that's what it was called - it's a *gasp* dead-tree book), the Harvard Lampoon parody of Twilight. That was hilarious, though I didn't finish. I loved "Bored of the Rings" by them as well.
If only someone would give THEM millions of dollars to make a film on this subject.
I'm all about Kristen Stewart jokes though. She nearly ruined Adventureland for me with that damn lip biting + stoned all the time look.
August 24, 2010 at 9:10 am
I apologize for my repetitive sentence structure in that comment. It was very stream of consciousness.
September 9, 2010 at 11:49 am
Do you realize what you have done by suggesting how they make things funny? Now I'm positive one of the next two movies will feature speech bubbles. Possibly when they do "Comic Book Movie" based on popular comic book movies and the latest Scott Pilgrim flick. No, I do not know that one is in the making...(checks imdb)...ah, only Scary Movie 5 is in the works. Hopefully they won't read MY comment and get any ideas, then...
September 10, 2010 at 6:59 pm
I'm not sure they could do a Comic Book Movie. They already did Superhero Movie, and I think Scott Pilgrim is the only movie about a comic book that isn't a superhero comic book recently. They would pretty much only have Scott Pilgrim material to work with, and I'm not sure that all the awkward and unfunny pop culture reference from 18 months ago will be enough to fill up a 1 hour and 20 minute movie.