Ann Landers' Final Column
Snide Remarks #304
"Ann Landers' Final Column"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on July 17, 2002
Dear Ann Landers: My wife and I are expecting triplets. We were certain our family would rejoice with us, but we were wrong. The comments went like this: "You're really going to have your hands full," or "I hope you will have plenty of help." What can we say when we get such rude comments? -- Rejoicing East of the Rockies
Dear Rejoicing: I don't feel well. My head is achy, and something's not right in my throat. There's an unusual tingling sensation in my chest.
Wait! Who turned out the lights? Oh, never mind. They're back again. Everything is fuzzy, though. I can barely see the typewriter. I'd better lie down. -- Ann
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Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to a great guy for 23 years, but his mother is a pain in the neck. I try to show affection for her by buying her gifts for her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and so on. She has returned every present I've ever given her. My husband says to forget her bad manners, but it hurts my feelings. Any ideas? -- Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused: So cold. So very, very cold.
There is darkness all around me, even though it is daytime. Regrets of past mistakes haunt me; the present and future seem dim while the past is sharp and vivid. O lost opportunities! O misbegotten schemes! O unrequited love!
The cold. Oh, the cold.
Send her gift certificates.
Ahh! I'm shaking uncontrollably as I type this. I hope you will forgive any misspellings. I cannot feel my legs.
Why is it so cold? -- Ann
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Dear Ann Landers: I am dating a man who has an 8-year-old son. My boyfriend, "Tom," believes he is raising the next Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods combined. The kid is constantly throwing balls inside the house -- basketballs, footballs, golf balls, whatever. My boyfriend sees nothing wrong with it, but I cannot tolerate such behavior. Am I being unreasonable? -- Hit or Miss in North Carolina
Dear Carolina: Yes, you're being unreasonable. Tell the boy that he can play ball in the house -- until he breaks something, and then he has to pay for it and play outside thereafter. That should keep him careful, while maintaining peace in your relationship with his dad.
Stabbing pain! I am racked to my very center by intense, searing pain. Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Am I shivering or having a seizure? Why can't I control my muscles? Why is the room spinning?
The feud with my sister, the decades of spinsterhood -- it all seems so meaningless now. Is this how it will end? -- Ann
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Dear Ann Landers: I've known "Anita" for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called "friend" would go into competition with me. Please advise me. -- Not Pleased in North Dakota
Dear Dakota: I feel Death's clammy hand upon my shoulder.
Pain gone. All is peaceful.
So cold. So very, very cold.
Light ahead. Must ... go toward it. Angels ... sing ... hallelujah. Talk ... to Anita. Tell her ... how you ... feel. Woe and travail ... slipping ... away ... from ... memory. All ... is well. Don't lose ... a friend ... over it. At last ... happiness ... release ... blissssssasdj;f;d/
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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