Arachnophilia

Snide Remarks #642

"Arachnophilia"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on September 12, 2011

I want to get a dog. Dogs provide companionship, loyalty, and someone to blame your farts on. But I'm not allowed to have a dog in my apartment. Cats are OK, but my landlady is racist against dogs.

So I've thought about getting a cat. I am hesitant, though, for several reasons. Among them is the fact that I'm sometimes vaguely allergic to cats, and I haven't spent enough time around them to determine whether it's only certain breeds or certain kinds of fur or just certain specific cats whose essence conflicts with me. I'd hate to get a cat and THEN discover we're not compatible. What I should do is borrow a cat for a couple weeks and see what happens, but I have looked and there is no such thing as a cat library.

My other concern is that I would be resentful toward my cat for not being what I really wanted, like when you want to hang out with your friends but your mom makes you play with your little brother instead, and so you're mean to him the whole time, even though it's not HIS fault your landlady won't let you have a dog. It would be unfair to my cat if I gave it a dog's name, like Rover, instead of a cat's name, like Susan, and treated it like a dog: walking it on a leash, trying to play fetch with it, expecting some kind of devotion or affection from it rather than disdainful stares, etc. This would be as frustrating and unfulfilling for both parties as John Travolta's marriage.

Meanwhile, as my inner struggle continues, I must make do with the pets I never wanted in the first place: spiders. I live in Portland, where the relatively cool and shady climate makes it a great place for spiders to settle down and raise their families. That's OK with me, because we are very welcoming and inclusive in Portland, but often these spiders attempt to inhabit dwellings that are already occupied, like my apartment, and I am forced to evict (i.e., smash) them. The soles of my shoes and the sides of my rolled-up magazines are smeared with reminders of my zero-tolerance policy toward squatters.

I assume it is because of my vigilance in getting the message out that not as many spiders showed up in my apartment this summer as in summers past. No doubt the Yelp reviews of my place are now exceedingly negative. And so I turned my attention to the spider who lives in the basement, next to the coin-operated washer and dryer. The spider has had a web in this spot for several years. It appears to be his summer home, as he stays only from May to October and then vanishes to wherever it is that spiders go during the rainy season. Perhaps he is retired.

When the spider first built his web over the dryer, my initial reaction was to file a grievance over his decision to build so close to the appliance. As you know, spiders are permitted in basements through a centuries-old treaty designating as dual-use zones all manmade subterranean structures not continuously inhabited by humans -- but a web directly above the dryer seemed unnecessarily close, like he was flaunting the shared space and daring someone to do something about it. But then I decided I liked this spider's moxie, and since his web didn't interfere with the laundry process per se, there was no reason to hassle him.

Besides, he had staked out a prime piece of real estate for himself. He was probably the envy of all the other spiders in the basement, which was already a pretty elite neighborhood, in spider terms. His web was partially affixed to the light just above the washer and dryer, giving him easy access to the many flying insects it attracts. The nearest human equivalent I can think of would be living next door to a doughnut shop that randomly tosses perfectly good doughnuts through your window every few minutes.

I would observe the spider whenever I did laundry, admiring his comfortable lifestyle and his endless supply of food and his ability to make productive tools from the stuff that came out of his butt. I marveled at something else, too: none of the building's seven other tenants had disturbed his web. We all use that washer and dryer, and surely I'm not the only person who is initially uneasy about large arachnids living in such close proximity to the laundry facilities, but apparently we all had an unspoken agreement not to harass the spider.

We definitely never discussed it. I mean, I hardly talk to my neighbors at all, for anything, let alone to formulate a policy regarding basement spiders. So it was weird that everybody was going along with it. All it would take is for one person to go down there to do laundry one day and say, "Holy crap, there's a huge spider web above the dryer!," and knock it down with a broom. Why had this not happened? What sort of power did this spider have over us? Was he controlling our minds?

And then there was a new tenant.

Now, I cannot definitively put the blame on the new person, who of course I have not spoken to and probably never will, unless she parks in my spot. All I know is this: The spider was in his usual place the last time I did laundry; a new person moved in a couple days later; a couple days after that, the spider was gone without a trace. I know what you're thinking, that the spider returned to his winter home several weeks early, maybe due to a family emergency. Believe me, I considered that. But his disappearance was so sudden and thorough that I suspect foul play. And then I thought, well, if this is the kind of disregard that people show for one another's pets, maybe it's a good thing I don't have a dog.

Notes:

Previous columns dealing with spiders: "Spider Remarks," "The Adventures of Spider and Man," and "How Sweat It Is."

This item has 28 comments

Neal says:
September 12, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Alexander Pope:
"Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As to be hated need but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace."

Spiders, ladies and gentlemen! ;)
Rico Suave says:
September 13, 2011 at 12:55 am
You know, I have what might be the largest spider I've ever seen living in my apartment. I mean, this isn't just a daddy long legs spider, its got a huge body and thick hairy legs. I don't think it eats bugs as much as it eats birds. He's crawled under an unmovable piece of furniture to counter my attempts to get him out. I've named him Harold because 1) spiders are less scary when they have a name, and 2) I hope to convince him that he is male and therefore unable to have thousands of baby spiders
Linda says:
September 13, 2011 at 5:23 am
Perhaps the spider fell in love with the new tenant, packed up all his stuff and moved in with her. It could happen.
Other Bridget says:
September 13, 2011 at 6:09 am
Oh, this was so great. Thank you. I grew up in Portland and my siblings and I have epic spider stories, so this was extra hilarious for me.
Diane says:
September 13, 2011 at 8:50 am
Did you know that cats kill spiders? That’s my subtle way to lead into why you should get a cat. I have had two cats that played fetch. Both were tuxedo and Siamese mix. They were both affectionate. Maybe not by dog standards, but I am greeted at the door every day. My cats come when called, or at least 90% of the time they do. I have a neighbor that walks her cat on a leash, so I know it can be done. I have not tried because I like to keep my cats away from any fleas. Flea season is all year round in Florida. My cat allergy has improved since I began living with them.

There are a lot of cat rescue organizations that have foster homes. If you are worried about the compatibility, maybe you could foster a cat first. If you are wondering, I volunteer for a cat rescue and it’s only my condo rules and lack of money that keeps me from becoming a crazy cat lady. www.petfinder.com
Biff Miffle says:
September 13, 2011 at 8:51 am
Perhaps a local rent-a-cat decided that it needed a snack. Cats make excellent spider deterents (or spider eaters, either way). Plus, they also make excellent dust mops. Mystery solved.
Marty Reeder says:
September 13, 2011 at 10:21 am
What a delightful Snide Remarks. I loved the tone all the way through. Breezy, thoughtful, and utterly, fantastically, terrifically ridiculous. As someone who has a grudging respect for the bees in my yard (though a high level of hatred and intolerance for the wasps), I cannot help but delight in the nuances of human-insect relations.
Cheri says:
September 13, 2011 at 10:39 am
I have a treaty with spiders giving them peace if they stay out of my house, my car, and off of me or my baby. Any spider who breaks the treaty dies. Unless my husband is around, he is more merciful and catches them and releases them outside.
Jack B Nimble says:
September 13, 2011 at 10:49 am
When new tenants start to upset the status quo, I find it is best to leave an anonymous note in a common area (such as the laundry). Something subtle and refined that clearly conveys the message:

"To the person who killed our pet spider, you might be next."
Karen Gayle Stout says:
September 13, 2011 at 11:50 am
I like the way you think, Jack B Nimble. Boundaries must be set and respected; clearly New Lady did not understand that she was overstepping her authority when she either killed or kidnapped (at the least) the Larry, the Laundry Room Spider. (He was always Larry in my mind.)
This line made me laugh out loud and wake up my mom, who is napping: "...but your mom makes you play with your little brother instead, and so you're mean to him the whole time, even though it's not HIS fault your landlady won't let you have a dog."

A thoroughly excellent "SR," Eric. Peace out.
Karen Gayle Stout says:
September 13, 2011 at 11:54 am
Apparently I am developing lysdexia in my old age... it manifests itself by leaving extraneous words in my comments. Like "the Larry, the Laundry Room Spider." Gah.
FHL says:
September 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm
From TMBG: Spider! He is our hero!

I hate spiders in my house and have my own No Squatters rule.

You should definitely not get a cat if what you want is a dog. Maybe you could trick your landlady by getting a Basenji. It doesn't bark (per se) and it grooms itself like a cat. I love our cats, but they can't really replace a dog in your heart.
Katie says:
September 13, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I find that my attitude toward spiders has become rather cavalier since moving to Texas 10 years ago. Spiders here are tiny and insignificant--I have been known to squash them with my bare feet, and that is only when they invade my personal space. Most of the time they do their thing and I ignore them. No, in South Texas it's the ginormous roaches you've got to worry about. They find their way inside when it is especially dry out, and to kill them they require less a bare foot than a flame thrower. Even then you've only got a 50/50 chance of taking them out.

Have you considered getting yourself a pet platypus? I hear they don't do much.
Momma Snider says:
September 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Your sister, Joy, snuggles with her pet snake, and he does seem to recognize her. But I don't think anything could replace a dog, when what you want is a dog.

I wonder if spiders can show devotion and gaze adoringly at you? Where are their eyes, anyway?
TT says:
September 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm
You know, cats eat spiders. Just in case you were ever looking to kill two birds with one stone. :)
islandgirl says:
September 13, 2011 at 5:16 pm
I now want to live next door to a doughnut shop that throws doughnuts through my window.

Yum.

This was a funny one as always, thanks!
Unnamed source says:
September 13, 2011 at 11:06 pm
Here in the somewhat forested area of SoCal which I call home, reside many different clans of spiders. In and around my humble home are tarantulas (actually quite friendly and perfectly harmless), black widows, brown recluse types, daddy long legs, and others I haven't met personally. Our lease agreement specifies that they have the run of the yard and specific permission to construct their web of preference for their personal insect retrieval needs. The most grevious violation of the lease is the unauthorized entry into my house, which typically results in the permament cancellation of the spider's living privileges.
Rodger says:
September 14, 2011 at 8:39 am
This was one of your best, sir! I loved it.
Heli says:
September 14, 2011 at 10:09 am
I don't know if you've heard, but apparently cats eat spiders. That's the word on the street, at least.

For my money, that's a pretty compelling argument against getting a cat. Who wants a pet with spider breath?
Lobo Oz says:
September 14, 2011 at 10:38 am
Move to an apartment that will let you have a dog. Never EVER get a cat!
Zina says:
September 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Does the spider-killing new resident have a tiny baby that he or she brings to the laundry room? I'm generally spider-friendly as long as they don't encroach in my personal space (shower, kitchen counters, vicinity of bed) and my kids help me do catch-and-release to the garden using the cup-and-cardboard catch method. But when a spider looks big enough to devour my offspring, then the "mama bear" in me comes out, assuming that mama bears don't let spiders live. (If what all your previous commenters have said about cats and spiders is true, oerhaps I should have just said "mama cat." Bears probably don't have good enough vision, nor precise enough eye-paw coordination, to kill spiders.)

Anyway, if your new tenant has a baby, I would give him or her a free pass on the arachnicide. Also if they haven't lived in Portland before, come to think of it.
Tina says:
September 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm
After I got a small dog my boss informed me that desk-dogs were not permitted in our work place. But two days ago, I discovered that a spider had taken up seemingly permanent residence in the corner of the desk and I adopted him as my desk pet. He's been a great substitute for a desk-dog. Certainly just as good of a replacement as a cat would be.
Jessica G. says:
September 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm
Having been a fan since your epic Titanic synopsis, it is with great consideration that I pronounce this one of your best! Laughed out loud several times and possibly convinced my children that I am taking prescription painkillers again.

I hate spiders but refuse to get close enough to them to snuff out their multi-legged lives. One unwelcome guest spent time in the brig, which consisted of an overturned mug on the bathroom counter, until my husband got back from a business trip.
Momma Snider says:
September 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Speaking of laughing out loud, I liked Jessica G's "possibly convinced my children that I am taking prescription painkillers again."
Jason says:
September 16, 2011 at 7:54 pm
You should find a web and construct a tiny coffin from a shoe box. Place it in there with another dead spider, and set it in the new tenant's mailbox, or in front of their door. Have a note with it from the spider's family, asking for mercy and begging forgiveness for having upset them.
Zina says:
September 19, 2011 at 1:13 am
Jessica, you reminded me of how my kids and I once dealt with a wasp until my husband came home:

http://myimaginaryblog.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/red-tape/
Christa says:
September 23, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Not sure which was funnier--the column or the comments following it! Thanks for the laughs!
karinka says:
October 6, 2011 at 6:12 am
I have photographic and video evidence of my cats going on walks with me and playing fetch. Fetch is my cats' favorite activity! Also, their names are Lex Luthor and Clark Kent! AWESOME! And last night, I witnessed Clark do a cartwheel. Unfortunately, I think that was a one-time show.

After a lot of looking at cats for a long time, I found the most social and cuddly cat. The other just came to me, but he is also very social and a little a-hole. He makes me laugh a lot. If you can put up with the allergy, get one because they do funny things, and they can be great companions.

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Eric D. Snider