Brovaries, Duderus, Sirvix, Vaguyna, and Fellow-pian Tubes: A Guide to Male Pregnancy
Snide Remarks #580
"Brovaries, Duderus, Sirvix, Vaguyna, and Fellow-pian Tubes: A Guide to Male Pregnancy"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on May 12, 2008
Pregnancy! It is all the rage! Last year, movies like "Knocked Up," "Juno," and "Waitress" dealt with the unwanted kind of fetus-growing, and then hillbilly starlet Jamie Lynn Spears (sister of hillbilly trainwreck Britney Spears) went and got herself a bun in the oven, too. Why, pregnancy is so trendy that even the menfolk are getting in on the act!
I refer to Thomas Beatie, famous in recent weeks as the "pregnant man" who has appeared on Oprah and numerous news programs. When I first heard there was a pregnant man, my reaction was the same as most men's: WHERE IS THAT BABY GOING TO COME OUT OF?!! (Secondary reaction: IS HE GOING TO BREAST FEED?!!) If men can get pregnant now, that changes everything. For one thing, it means men will actually be concerned about birth control, instead of giving it two seconds of thought during eighth-grade sex-ed class and then forgetting all about it. If men can get pregnant, we'll start seeing baby showers held at Hooters. Prenatal vitamins will be added to certain brands of beer. Taco Bell's new slogan: "You're eating for two, dude." Men will get high-definition ultrasounds on wall-mounted flat-screen plasma TVs, and then change the channel after 30 seconds. To educate their unborn children, pregnant men will press their bellies up against the TV when Eli Manning is playing.
Yes, male pregnancy opens the door to a whole new world of one-liners and generalizations. So you can imagine my disappointment when I learned that Thomas Beatie is not actually a pregnant man. Pregnant, yes. Man, not really.
You see, Beatie is biologically a woman, originally named Tracy Lagondino. She began the lengthy and complicated process of changing her sex to male some time ago, taking testosterone injections, having her breasts surgically reduced, and removing the part of her brain that knows where the laundry hamper is. Beatie now identifies as a man, and the state of Oregon legally recognizes him as a man. He is married to a woman, and not one of those sanctity-of-marriage-destroying gay marriages, either. A regular ol' marriage. But he still has his original lady parts down below.
It all comes down to the difference between sex and gender. For the vast majority of people, their sex (i.e., which biological parts they have) is the same as their gender (i.e., whether they consider themselves male or female). Even most homosexuals don't consider there to be any discrepancy between the two; they're simply attracted to people of the same sex. But there are people for whom there is a conflict. A person might be a woman physically but feel like a man psychologically and emotionally. That was Thomas Beatie's -- well, Tracy Lagondino's -- situation: She was a woman who felt like she ought to be a man.
Well, I feel like I ought to be an astronaut, but that doesn't make me one. It's difficult even for open-minded people to accept the idea of calling someone a man just because she wants you to, disregarding all the physical evidence of her femaleness in the process. Most people figure you don't get to choose whether you're a man or a woman; you are what you are. And most of us feel like if you have ovaries and Fallopian tubes and a uterus and all that paraphernalia, you're a woman. Having facial hair and a flat chest doesn't make you a man. If it did, half the women in Germany would be using different bathrooms.
So I was disappointed to discover that in the case of the pregnant man, there was an asterisk next to the word "man." It was like I'd been told there was a unicorn behind the curtain, and I paid my 50 cents, and then it was just a horse with a cone taped to its forehead. Beatie's pregnancy is more or less ordinary from a physical standpoint -- which means, as it turns out, it's not really a big deal. Beatie and his wife (who cannot conceive) are married, they're having a baby (by way of artificial insemination), and there you go. More power to 'em. I'd say this baby has a better chance of having a healthy, normal life than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby does.
Something about the controversy bugged me, though, and finally I realized what it was: It bugged me because the controversy was manufactured by Beatie himself. Pregnant woman: not newsworthy. Pregnant man: Oprah time! But Beatie's definition of "man" is different from the one that most people go by.
It's all the result of Beatie trying to have it both ways. You consider yourself a man, fine. Call yourself a man. Have the injections and the surgeries required, and spend your free time watching sports and porn. But getting pregnant sort of muddies the issue, don't you think? Carrying a baby means you're a woman, at least from the belly down. I realize that the English language doesn't really have a common word for someone who is female biologically but considers himself a man, and that this linguistic oversight means a person in that situation must choose to go by either "man" or "woman" even though neither term is completely accurate. But if you want people to think of you as a man and nothing but a man, then you probably shouldn't get pregnant. That's kind of a deal-breaker, being-a-man-wise. You can talk about Xbox and A-Rod and "Transformers" till you're blue in the face, it won't convince people you're a man if you're doing it with a womb full of fetus.
It's like if I went on the Oprah show declaring that I was Guatemalan. I would be an object of curiosity: Look at the man who is Guatemalan despite having been born in the United States to American parents and never having been to Guatemala! Listen to his perfect command of the English language and his complete lack of an accent! How is it possible that such a man is actually a Guatemalan?!
Oh, well, you see ... biologically, I'm American. But I really, really want to be Guatemalan! I've taken a lot of Spanish classes! I dress in customary Guatemalan garb, and every Sept. 15 I celebrate Guatemala's independence from Spain in 1821. In my heart, mind, and soul, I know I am truly Guatemalan.
After I explained all this, Oprah would scold me for wasting her time, and summon her minions to have me slain.
Anyway, I do hope Beatie's pregnancy continues to go well, and I agree that it's unprofessional for doctors to refuse to treat him, as several, shamefully, have done. I hope my comments here have not hurt anyone's feelings. You'll have to forgive me -- I'm a little on edge because I'm "late" this month, and the last thing I need is to be a single father.
This item has 56 comments
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Braden Ellis says:
May 12, 2008 at 6:52 amI often find myself at odds with your left-leaning ways, but I think that here you absolutely nailed it.
I find it baffling that the media and Oh!prah are willing to go along with this claim that she is a he and therefore we should all be wowed that he(she) is pregnant, and yet this same media isn't willing to include the disclaimer in the incessant plural marriage talk that it actually isn't the LDS church that is involved.
Anyway, you may want to keep this comment, because really, how many blogs get comments from walking giant fire ants (I really really want to be a walking giant fire ant. I'm just waiting for my invitation to Oh!prah). Maybe you'll be famous someday. Can I come on your show then?
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John Williams says:
May 12, 2008 at 7:46 amA highly entertaining and spot-on column--with just the smallest caveat: what Eric really means is that he's biologically a *white* American. Technically, it doesn't make sense to say that someone is "biologically, an American." If an American with grandparents from Guatemala (and the accompanying darker skin and latin cultural heritage) were to claim to be Guatemalan, he's probably run into less trouble than Eric in the above situation. Likewise, if Eric were to claim he was Irish-Norwegian, he'd have less trouble convincing us in an alternate situation, even with his flawless English accent. This is because speaking English without an accent (if there is such a thing, technically) is not what makes someone an American. Speaking *only* English, now THAT's what makes someone American. The rest of the world is bilingual.
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penguinosharky says:
May 12, 2008 at 12:00 pm"The rest of the world is bilingual." Really, we only speak two languages outside USA? I had no idea. I guess I can forget the other 3 I know now.
But anyway, Eric, I know you know it already, but I just have to say it: Arnold isn't German. I reckon Austrians get mighty pissed off if someone calls them German... ;D
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Brian Otterson says:
May 12, 2008 at 12:23 pmBraden said: "this same media isn't willing to include the disclaimer in the incessant plural marriage talk that it actually isn't the LDS church that is involved."
Considering the sheer number of articles about the brouhaha in Texas I'm sure there are many articles that don't make a point of mentioning that the the F in FLDS makes a world of difference. Still, I've seen more than one that did make the distinction. One of the first AP stories I saw right after the 'bust' even mentioned it twice - once at the beginning and once at the end of the piece.
That said, there will always be a few people that refuse to believe Mormons really stopped all of that more than a century ago, but most of us simply don't need such a basic fact spelled out for us every time the subject of polygamy comes up.
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Paul Norman says:
May 12, 2008 at 12:27 pmAnd I suspect the Germans also get pissed when Arnold gets identified as German. ;-)
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Lowdogg says:
May 12, 2008 at 1:21 pmThat picture of Beatie gave me the heebie-jeebies.
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Confused says:
May 12, 2008 at 2:00 pmWait, so does Beatie's wife like women or men; or does she like the twist - a little bit o' both?
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Aaron says:
May 12, 2008 at 2:03 pmIt was worth it for the title alone.
I think Eric already did his part to insult Germans today, aside from identifying Ahnold as one of them.
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Randy Tayler says:
May 12, 2008 at 2:21 pmThe picture is only weird in context of the column; I see plenty of guys with bellies like that struggling at the gym. (Ba-dum-bum!)
Yeah, no matter what you do (and no matter what you remove) I don't think there's such thing as a "sex change", any more than there's such thing as a "race change". Until they can change your actual DNA, you will always be the sex (and race) you were born as.
That said, the trailers for Tropic Thunder (and Downey Jr.'s race change) sure make me smile.
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Jessie says:
May 12, 2008 at 2:41 pmYou had me at "Brovaries".
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AdamOndi says:
May 12, 2008 at 3:00 pmI really doubt this person's kid is going to have "a better chance of having a healthy, normal life than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby does" since Tracy/Thomas is clearly insane. I know this is not politically correct, but wanting to change your gender is not healthy. Even more unhealthy is only halfway changing your gender, keeping all of your old nether parts, and then deciding that it would be an awesome idea to stop taking your artificial male hormones then take a big old dose of female hormones in order to jumpstart your lady bits and get pregnant takes you from being mentally unhealthy and catapults you straight to insane. It goes beyond "wanting to have it both ways."
If nothing else, Tracy/Thomas and her/his wife could easily have fulfilled their desire to raise a child by adopting. But did they do that? No. That would have been way to close to sane. They had to go about it the most convoluted and confusing way possible. That kid has no shot at a normal life, just like Jamie Lynn Spears' baby.
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Holly says:
May 12, 2008 at 3:17 pmI predict that this will be the most commented-upon Snide Remarks yet.
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Natalie says:
May 12, 2008 at 3:59 pmMy first thought every time I hear about this slightly creepy story is that Cosby show episode. Who wouldn't want to give birth to a 10 foot sub and soda?!?
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card says:
May 12, 2008 at 4:47 pmI, too, felt cheated when I clicked on the link and found out that it was really a woman and not a man who was pregnant. And I agree with Lowdogg, the photo is a little creepy.
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MattP says:
May 12, 2008 at 4:56 pmThat kid has no shot at a normal life, just like Jamie Lynn Spears' baby.
*shrug* Maybe. Things are certainly a little weird right now, but assuming she/he goes back to being a "he", the family won't be any different than a number of other families out there where one or both parents are transgendered which seem to get by OK. I saw a documentary recently with a British child who had two "moms" that had previously been men. That little-girl seemed both very sharp and well adjusted.I think we give too little credit to the ability of children who aren't already programmed to disapprove of unconventional family structures to adapt and thrive within this structures.
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kevith says:
May 12, 2008 at 5:50 pmI think the "rest of the world is bilingual" comment was meant to show how that a many people in the world are willing and able to speak more than one language while many Americans only speak one and think everyone else should speak/learn the same one. Assuming that John Williams's comment meant that the rest of the world only speaks two languages ignores the purpose of his post.
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DMann says:
May 12, 2008 at 6:50 pmMost Americans don't learn more than English because our schools don't teach anything outside of PC revisionist history, culture studies about other cultures (never the predominant "American" culture), etc. There simply isn't room in the day to teach something that's actually useful. But I digress...
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Sarah says:
May 12, 2008 at 7:19 pmI gotta agree with the point made in #11: Dude, what are you thinking messing around with the hormone levels in your body like that?! Considering the uproar several years ago about the dangers of Hormone Replacement Therapy in women, that just seems to be asking for trouble, other issues aside.
Also: Dear "Advocate" Magazine,
I could take you much more seriously without the ads bordering on porn splashed all over your website. And yes, it would still bother me just as much if they were straight couples.
Love,
Sarah -
Megan says:
May 12, 2008 at 7:41 pm"I realize that the English language doesn't really have a common word for someone who is female biologically but considers himself a man"
This isn't really true - such a person is transgendered, although in this specific instance the person is also transsexual.
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just another girl says:
May 12, 2008 at 9:28 pmQuote: Most Americans don't learn more than English because our schools don't teach anything outside of PC revisionist history, culture studies about other cultures (never the predominant "American" culture), etc. There simply isn't room in the day to teach something that's actually useful. But I digress...
Wow, Jerk-face. As one of the apparently PC rivisionist history teachers, I call senanigans. Step inside my classroom for one day. I teach something that is actually useful, but from the sound of your post, you don't value critical thinking skills.
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Kourtney says:
May 12, 2008 at 11:04 pmIt's too bad the Spears Sisters don't give birth to Cosby-like hoagies instead of real live babies. Child Services doesn't come calling when you drive down the freeway with an unrestrained hoagie in your lap.
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Clumpy says:
May 13, 2008 at 12:16 amMy new catchphrase: "I call senanigans"!
When you consider that Beatie is biologically a woman, this is probably the most graphic image Eric has posted so far. It's kind of odd that the stomach bothers me more than the lipo'd breasts, considering that it makes perfect sense for a pregnant woman, even a partial transexual, to bulge. We have a double standard for female upper nudity anyway, which probably explains why I'm not in an outrage. (Rar! Blood!)
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The UnMighty says:
May 13, 2008 at 3:26 amI'm willing to concede and call Beatie a man if it is willing to have it's vagina replaced with a penis and then push that baby out his urethra.
Yeah, I think that would do it for me.
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Ampersand says:
May 13, 2008 at 5:11 amOh, but the English language does have a word for someone who is female biologically but considers himself a man: a shemale. Now, whether that's a common term is another thing...
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David Manning says:
May 13, 2008 at 5:33 amI suppose you could have it both ways if you were born a hormonally-even hermaphrodite (or "intersexual," as seems to be the preferred term now), but has that ever even happened? I have to look that up now.
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Nicholas D says:
May 13, 2008 at 2:17 pmWow, a tomboy managed to get themselves knocked up.
My sister has done that 4 times now, but hasn't been on Oprah yet. I'm sure her time will come.
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Eric D. Snider says:
May 13, 2008 at 5:33 pm#24 Ampersand: Actually, "shemale" refers to someone who looks like a woman (soft features, breasts, etc.), but has male genitalia -- the opposite of the situation we're talking about. It's usually men who have had many of the hormone injections necessary to become a woman but haven't done the ol' snip-snip yet.
#19 Megan: "Transgender" is accurate, but it's not specific. It applies to a biological woman who wishes to be a man, as well as to the reverse scenario. What we need is a good term (or two terms, I guess) that would indicate which direction the person is traveling, from male to female or female to male.
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PLW says:
May 13, 2008 at 6:38 pm"Most Americans don't learn more than English because our schools don't teach anything outside of PC revisionist history, culture studies about other cultures (never the predominant "American" culture), etc."
I think it's because it's not very useful to learn a foreign language in the US. I speak French, because I lived in overseas for a bit, but I never get the chance to use it, despite living in a pretty cosmopolitan city (Boston). Plenty of people near the Mexican border are speak Spanish, because it's actually good for something.
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Adam says:
May 13, 2008 at 7:00 pmI was most impressed that you bothered to look up the year Guatemala won its independence.
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Christina D says:
May 13, 2008 at 11:22 pmAnother point against Beatie... if s/he really considers him/herself to be a male born into a woman's body, then I doubt s/he would have decided to become pregnant... how many real men out there wish that they could carry a child and give birth to it? Not any men I know.
So my point is, s/he is most likely doing it for the attention... or s/he still has thoughts and desires more along the woman lines, and so therefore nullifying the claim that s/he is a man born into a woman's body.
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Leah Jane says:
May 14, 2008 at 3:32 amI've got a friend who's obsessed with male pregnancy, she's GOT to see this column. It reminds me of that ad for vodka I saw once, with the happy woman drinking Skyy, and the guy unhappily holding a pregnant belly, no drink.
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Bob says:
May 14, 2008 at 4:04 amI think that the correct term ought to be "shim." At least, that's what I've been using. Although Urban Dictionary indicates that the same problems apply as with "transgender." Or perhaps "Surprise!" might work as well.. .
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Jeff J. Snider says:
May 14, 2008 at 5:31 amChristina D said:
Another point against Beatie... if s/he really considers him/herself to be a male born into a woman's body, then I doubt s/he would have decided to become pregnant... how many real men out there wish that they could carry a child and give birth to it? Not any men I know.
I don't WISH that I could get pregnant and give birth, but if my wife were unable to have children and I somehow COULD, I would totally do it if she wanted me to.
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DMann says:
May 14, 2008 at 2:53 pmjust another girl said: "Wow, Jerk-face. As one of the apparently PC revisionist history teachers, I call senanigans. Step inside my classroom for one day. I teach something that is actually useful, but from the sound of your post, you don't value critical thinking skills."
First of all, calling me names only makes you look childish and doesn't help your "argument" at all. Secondly, I'll grant that not every single school teacher is wrapped up in the total nonsense that is public education in this country. But the fact remains that American public education is failing, and failing miserably. The fact remains that most public schools use texts that are full of PC BS revisionist history. The fact remains that most Americans are ignorant about basics that used to be the focus of teaching and now sit at the periphery of education.
So maybe you're a non-revisionist history teacher. Big deal. One anecdote does not prove the theory. You'll need to do much better than that.
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peptidefarmer says:
May 14, 2008 at 4:45 pmDMann wrote:
"So maybe you're a non-revisionist history teacher. Big deal. One anecdote does not prove the theory. You'll need to do much better than that."
The burden of proof lies with you, DMann - you're the one who posited that U.S. schools only teach "PC BS revisionist history".
If just another girl's anecdote doesn't prove her theory, why does your anecdote prove your theory?
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Brittney Marie says:
May 14, 2008 at 5:11 pmI'm sorry...but, I just don't understand how he is technically a man. Did they give him a teenie weenie or something? Did he already have one? I'm sorry, I just don't understand.
You're thinking it.
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just another girl says:
May 14, 2008 at 5:13 pmDMann:
Oh, how I loved calling you names. I don't really care that it made me appear childish to someone who hates education. (DMann's reply: I don't hate no book learnin'! Also childish, but it gives me pleasure.) And I have no agruement, other than I disagree with you (which I proved) and that you have no basis for your statement beyond "Well, it's true. Prove me wrong."
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Danny says:
May 14, 2008 at 5:23 pmBrittney, I doubt anyone is thinking that. Everyone else probably read the column more clearly and actually understands what's going on.
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whea-wix says:
May 14, 2008 at 6:14 pmBrittney: He was born a woman. He had his breasts removed and takes hormones (testosterone) to have facial hair, an ESPN subscription, a Wii, and whatnot. Below the waist, however, he is all lady parts.
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Steve says:
May 15, 2008 at 3:21 amI am not John Williams, but when he said that the rest of the world is bilingual, I don't think he was insulting the US. English has become the international language of commerce, and to be successful in the international commercial world, you must be able to speak English. So everyone who cares about success learns their native tongue and English, making them bilingual. For Americans, those two languages (native and commercial) happen to be the same one.
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InOregon says:
May 15, 2008 at 8:50 pmFor the record, the hormones Thomas takes have made his "Dolores" become large enough so that he can engage in regular old heterosexual marital relations with his wife.
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Savvy Veteran says:
May 15, 2008 at 10:42 pm@ InOregon:
Ewwwwww...
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Tricia says:
May 16, 2008 at 1:25 pmSo will the baby be a boy or a girl? Or undecided?
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Lowdogg says:
May 16, 2008 at 1:38 pmInO, Is that really true?
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momma snider says:
May 16, 2008 at 11:33 pmMaybe they'll let the baby grow up and decide for his/herself what gender to be, like people do with religion sometimes.
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Goldfish says:
May 17, 2008 at 10:24 pmThis whole concept makes my brain hurt.
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HeatherC says:
May 19, 2008 at 4:58 amThe Dolores thing--I think I'm going to be sick.
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Jacob says:
May 19, 2008 at 4:22 pmMy only real question is what was the discussion like between the husband & wife as to who got to have the baby. Did he* draw the short straw?
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Reading Comprehension says:
May 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm#48: "Beatie and his wife (who cannot conceive) are married, they're having a baby (by way of artificial insemination), and there you go."
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InOregon says:
May 20, 2008 at 12:49 amLowdoggy, it is true. He said as much on Oprah. If you're brave and not having your internet usage monitored by anyone who can fire you, there's lots of info and photographic evidence online.
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Jennifer Gotfredson says:
May 20, 2008 at 4:42 pmI'd just like to add an amen to all of Eric's remarks. You have perfectly expressed my opinion on the subject. When I first heard the teaser on some news program, I was immediately entrigued. "This will be interesting," I thought. Then, as I watched the actual story, I became annoyed. This isn't a pregnant man! What was even worse is that for the next week or so, it was a major entertainment news story. The title was always "Pregant Man..." I was completely disgusted. "He is not a pregnant man," I found myself yelling at the television. He is a woman, who wants to be a man, that is pregnant. If he still has the body parts entitling him to a healthy pregnancy, then you really can't claim he's a man. I am still frustrated just thinking about it (if you can't tell by my long rant). I am so happy to find a media source that isn't glamorizing his lie. Thank you, Eric. Thank you.
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Amelia Merritt says:
May 24, 2008 at 8:35 amI am glad to have you lay into those baby movies a bit. Unexpected, unplanned and/or unwanted pregnancy is not funny and/or charming and you don't pop the kid out and suddenly find clarity. (I should know.) And Hollywood pisses me off when they do that because my biggest fear is that it will spawn all these sad lonely girls that will relish having a pregnant belly and fantasize that they are just like Juno. Misunderstood knocked-up little imaginary movie Heroines.
And maybe I'm oversimplifying but it seems to me that if you have a "China" you aren't the first pregnant male. And haven't others like this had babies? This feels like someone is taking one of those VW bugs that roll around with the welded Rolls Royce noses on their grills and saying it's the first luxury car with a trunk in the front.
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regler momma, science teacher says:
June 8, 2008 at 3:05 amhelp, oh, help, I am in pain from all this laughing... but seriously, my husband, and I think lots of others would have a baby if their wife couldn't, but they somehow could. Just because they have a naturally occuring penis doesn't mean they are wusses!
and I am anecdote #2 for education in this country is in the toilet. The public school is expected to do so much, and the students are expected to do so little.
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DMann says:
June 16, 2008 at 7:15 pmJustAnotherGirl, I'm really sorry that you can't handle that I don't worship at the alter of public education.
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K. D. says:
August 7, 2008 at 5:51 amWow. Love it. We got on this topic at work one day...BEST DAY EVER! I don't think there could be anything funnier then a pregnant man...
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matthew cox says:
April 19, 2011 at 12:51 pmjust another girl and D Mann's "conversation" is hilarious!
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Notes:
Words cannot express how much joy I derive from this column's title. It's hard to choose, but I believe "duderus" is my favorite. I'm a simple man, and I have simple pleasures.
I had been thinking about a pregnancy column anyway, what with the trend in movies and the Jamie Lynn Spears thing, and I was only going to mention the pregnant man for a couple of paragraphs. Then that became the main focus, at which point I realized I should have written about it a month ago, when Thomas Beatie was on Oprah and everything. But I can't go back in time, so here we are.
Many thanks to my ol' pal Smacky for helping with some of the lines about how pregnancy would be different if men could do it. Thomas Beatie's first-person story about his situation, which you can read here, is useful for background, and it's where I got the idea that he wants it both ways. He keeps talking about how his identity as a male is constant -- and yet he is pregnant, which is the most non-male thing there is. Doesn't being pregnant make you feel at least a little bit ladylike? I mean, shouldn't it?
Beatie eventually gave birth to a healthy baby, then announced late in 2008 that he was pregnant again. By this time, no one cared. The horn taped to the horse's forehead had fallen off.
SnideCast intro: "Motherhood," from the "Hello, Dolly!" Broadway cast recording; outro: "She's Always a Woman," Billy Joel.