I shall now tell you the story of "The Stinky Fat Black French Girl Who Was Omnipresent in London." It is a true story, and it happened to me. (I was not the title character.)
Upon arriving in London, I was delighted to find a place that would allow me access to the Internet for only one "pound" for 15 minutes. Now, since English money is very colorful and festive, I had a hard time treating it like real money. "You want one of these pink ones in exchange for that doughnut?" I would say to a shopkeeper. "Fine! Here, have a yellow one, too!" So paying a "pound" for 15 minutes of Internet time seemed like quite a bargain.
It was while I was checking my e-mail that I first encountered Stinky Fat Black French Girl. Note that I have arranged those descriptors in order of importance: That she smelled bad was the most noticeable thing about her; that she was female, I almost overlooked altogether.
I smelled her before I saw her. I was bombarded by a sudden blast of body odor powerful enough to curdle milk, and I turned to see whence it came. I assumed I would find a flaming bag of dog excrement sitting next to me, or perhaps Satan smoking a cigar made out of Dom DeLuise's underpants. But instead, I saw this person. She was stinky, yes; she was also quite large, and black, and she was speaking and writing in French.
(Pardon me if "black" is not the term I ought to have used. "African-American" doesn't apply, obviously, since she wasn't American, and "African-French" doesn't sound right at all. Plus, I think we can agree that the title I have given her is already long and unwieldy enough without attempting to add an ill-fitting bit of political correctness to it.)
So she was all of those things, but first and foremost, she was stinky. She was knocking birds out of the sky -- and we were indoors! She smelled so bad, she had wavy lines coming off her like cartoon characters do.
I finished my business and fled as quickly as possible, stripping my clothes off in horror and stuffing them into the nearest rubbish bin as I dashed out into the night. The next day, when I returned to the same Internal terminal, I found Stinky Fat Black French Girl there again (still?), typing e-mails and being stinky. Two nights later, she was there again (still?), stinky and e-maily as ever. Was there no end to her stinkiness? Was there no end to her being there?
A few nights later, I was in London's theater district, which they call "the West End," taking in some shows, which they call "shows." As I emerged from the subway station, which they call a "tube stop," I noticed a commotion of some kind, which they call a "brouhaha," and a small crowd gathering, which they don't have a word for. I figured they were watching a street performer. I elbowed my way to the front and found the source of the commotion was that someone had passed out and was lying on the sidewalk, unconscious.
I tossed him 50 pence -- it was more interesting than "Fame: The Musical," which I had paid 18 "pounds" for -- and I was on my way. But as I turned around, whom should I see in the crowd but Stinky Fat Black French Girl! She, too, had noticed the ruckus and was now on her cell phone, apparently summoning medical help, which is more than I was doing.
A thought occurred to me: What if she's a superhero whose super power is that she smells bad? If you were an evil-doer, you'd consider a foul-smelling defender of justice a formidable opponent indeed. I know I wouldn't fight her, or touch her, or get near her. And as a Fresh-Smelling Thin White American Guy, I'm probably her arch-enemy. Good thing I made the connection and launched a devastating can of Speed Stick at her before she saw me.
Beautiful Retort!
you are just an ignorant american (anyway american means ignorant ) racist. i have been to the state on holiday and i found some sytinky fat white american people. you think to be the best on everythings in the world but america is going down this no longer the super power it us to be. your people are the fatest in the world "supersize you"
you have got alot to learn about europe and specialy French. we made your history.
jean, I dare say that after having bailed you French out during WWI, WWII, the 1950s when your government almost collapsed, and then Vietnam, we have more than repaid any debt we ever owed you. You had a much less significant impact on our history than we have had on yours. And telling us that we're no longer the superpower we used to be is a poor way to hide the fact that France hasn't known true power in almost 200 years.
Also, learn to write better. Using poor English to call an American ignorant only makes you look stupid.
Excuse me Mike Norton, but I do believe that you have given yourself far too much credit for your involvement in these wars. In WWI the US did not involve themselves until 1917, after 3 years of atrocities. In WWII, you again failed to help out anyone until Japan sunk your boat. It seems to me that the US is only trying to help themselves and no one else. And Vietnam? Give me a break! Vietnam was a COMPLETE failure on the part of USA. Vietnam is, to this day, still a Socialist nation. So strike that. Now, you forgot to mention how Louis XVI contributed a HUGE part of France's economy to fight of the British during your fight for Independence. What is more important... a nation fighting for its own gain, or a nation fighting to ensure the Independence of another? I admit you have aided France and other European nations through your greedy attempts to further yourself, but I believe you have an apology to make to Jean. He was correct to say that "[France] made your history".
As a side note - I find it very funny how an American comments on a fat French woman because the obesity rate in US is currently 31% vs the French at only 11%. That makes the top ten in the world, fatties!
Okay, again with the improper associations. I think, Cody, you are implying Eric's description of the character in question as "Fat" and "French" was meant to say that French people are, in general, fat. Of course that isn't true, just as it wasn't meant to imply that French people are, in general, black. Did you miss Eric's comments on the subject?
I am American, and I know we're a fat people. We discuss it, fret about it, joke about it all the time, and even the Presidential candidates see it as a national issue. It's pretty rude of you to think we're so stupid that we haven't noticed. See, you specifically said we as a nation are fat, but Eric never said that you were fat people, or that you were all black, or that you were all smelly.
If you are looking to offer us constructive criticism, that is a different matter. I thank you for your thoughts and will take steps to correct them for myself. You and your country might look into showering more, drinking less, and not being so self-righteous. I don't speak for Eric on this, but these are critiques heard round the world.
This discussion is all quite ridiculous. Jean begins the show by hurling forth a slew of anti-American stereotypes so over the top (and, ironically, stereotypically French) that nothing he says can be taken seriously, even if some of the things he mentions aren't lies, per se (true and relevant are two different things, mind you). I am baffled by his implication that an American shouldn't make fun of fat people because there are lots of fat Americans. Should Eric also avoid mocking bald, poor, or crazy people, then? The sky's the limit. The accusation of racism (or is it "nationalism" this time? -- I think it's funny to use that as a counterpart to "racism") was already dealt with rather elegantly; Sadly, as the columnist himself has pointed out on occasion, these days the mere mention of someone's race in any context except to extol it is considered, strangely, racist (well, actually, this only applies to about three races -- the rest are fair game, and in fact the opposite criteria are applied). Jean concludes with the mystifying insinuation that Mr. Snider is ignorant about European (and especially French) history, because he mentioned that the smelly fat girl he was mocking was also French.
Mike, of course, cleverly dispels the myth of American cultural insensitivity by spouting forth the stereotypical American jibe regarding WWII (et al), as well as a couple of other random attacks at France. He concludes by directly mocking the Frenchman's English, which seems a bit last-ditch to me.
Thankfully, Cody was waiting in the wings to step in and vehemently stick up for the Frenchfolk. His historical citations seem reasonably accurate, but I can't help wondering how the discussion, in the course of three comments, became an argument about whether America helped France more (with an accusation of it being practically inadvertent) or the other way around (probably also had some ulterior motives, but who knows). He also switches standards quite briskly: First stating how the US's involvement in WWII wasn't valid help because it was ultimately sparked by a personal attack, and then claiming that Vietnam wasn't valid help because it didn't ultimately end in success (even though that one WAS begun largely to help the French regain their colony). And anyhow, what does any of this have to do with encountering an egregiously smelly, fat, black, French girl a lot? Cody then finishes with a witty observation regarding the enormous irony of an American (of all people) describing a girl he saw that was both French and fat (ha ha, can you believe the nerve!!)
Come to think of it, why was "Jean" reading this column, anyway? I have a hard time believing he's a regular subscriber. One almost must wonder if he wasn't searching through the internet hoping to come across someone he could accuse of racism and other nebulous American crimes. Well, he succeeded in eliciting a response that I can only believe pleased him.
Amerrican peolple must be quite. 'Cause any crap you say, innocent people will pay so expensive for that. You know what I'm telling about...........
I know what you're telling about, Sobugo. I know what you're telling about.
Stacy, you just gave me the longest laughing fit I've had since I saw the sneezing panda video on Youtube. Thank you.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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Comments & Reaction:
What is it with me and stinky people (tow truck drivers, Urine Man, etc.)? Surely I don't encounter more of them than regular people. Maybe it just bothers me more than everyone else, and I have a column in which to write about them.
There was some question among co-workers over whether this column was "racist." It's not, of course. To be racist, I would need to single out a race and say bad things about it. All I said here was that the girl was black. I said nothing good or bad about blacks in general, or even about her specifically that was related to her being black. (Nowhere, for example, did I imply that her race and her stinkiness were connected, nor do I think that was the case.) Her race was mentioned matter-of-factly.
The question in the newspaper business is whether it's important to the story to mention the race of the people you're talking about. Sometimes, just mentioning the race can imply that it's related to whatever the story is about. In this case, I merely wanted to paint a word picture. I wanted you to be able to imagine what she looked like. If I had not mentioned her race, you would have pictured a Caucasian girl, since I said she was French and most Frenchies are white. You would have pictured her incorrectly. It's not especially "relevant" that she was fat, either, but it helps you imagine the situation better. (For that matter, none of it is "relevant." It's a humor column in which I relate an amusing anecdote, and nothing more.)
So the question became whether readers would PERCEIVE it as racist. I figured some would. Remember, the readers perceive that if you mention something in a humorous context, you are making fun of that thing. If I tried to write my columns so that no one could misunderstand my intentions, I'd never get anything written.
If you were bothered by my mentioning the girl's race, ponder what it was that bothered you. Did you think I was making a comment about black people? About girls? About stinky people? About fat people? About French people? Is it even possible, in this era, to mention race "in passing"? Or does mentioning it, however slightly, automatically make the conversation "about" race? Discuss.
In retrospect, and as was pointed out by someone, "noticeability" would have been a better word than "importance." I was mentioning the girl's traits in the order that I noticed them, not necessarily in the order that they mattered.
Most of the people who called the paper complaining about this column focused on its general juvenility, which I do not dispute. A few focused on the "racism," notably this e-mail writer:
I trembled mightily at his last threat. I responded with this e-mail. Note that I do not apologize for the column, which I am not sorry for, but for his misunderstanding of it, which was not particularly my fault but which I don't mind apologizing for.
And he came back with this:
I was perturbed, as I always am, by this man's insistence that he knew what I "meant" better than I did. I wrote back:
Too bad the stinky girl didn't win an Oscar for Best Actress. Then I could mention her race all I want and no one would get mad.