How Sweat It Is
Snide Remarks #615
"How Sweat It Is"
by Eric D. Snider
Published on August 3, 2009
The Pacific Northwest experienced a record-breaking heat wave last week, causing Seattle and Portland residents to drink their coffee cold and ingest their marijuana in smoothies. It was 103 degrees in Seattle on Wednesday, the highest temperature ever recorded in that city. And where I live, in Portland, also known as Seattle Junior, we made it to 106 that day, just shy of our all-time record of 107, which goes to show that we can never do anything right.
Of course, when you hear that 103 is the hottest it's EVER BEEN in a city, you probably think those people are a bunch of wusses, which in the case of Seattle is definitely true. When it's only 103 in Las Vegas or Phoenix, people send their children to school in sweaters. When it gets below 95, they start singing Christmas carols. When it gets down to 80, they form doomsday cults and warn of the impending Ice Age.
But for Portland, 106 is unreasonably hot, more so because we don't have the infrastructure to deal with it. Many homes and businesses here don't have air conditioning at all. With an average summertime high of 80, electric fans and pleasant breezes are enough to get by, plus the fact that it always cools down at night -- unlike Las Vegas, where it's often 115 degrees at 3 a.m., which is why most people who live there take jobs as strippers.
So when it gets over 100 in Portland, the whole city becomes lethargic and irritable. There is no way to escape the heat when it's that oppressive. The one good thing is that it shuts up the whiners who moved here from somewhere else and immediately started complaining about the rain, which is like moving to Athens and complaining about the loud, swarthy people.
Here are some of the problems associated with a heat wave in Portland.
1. A lot of people around here are earthy types who don't use deodorant, or who use one of those crystal deodorant stones, which is the same thing as using your imagination. In normal weather, that's fine. But when the temperatures head into the 90s or low 100s, everyone smells terrible. Combine this with our love for public transportation and you have a light-rail train that smells like a locker room for obese adolescent horses.
2. Most homes don't have central air-conditioning -- which, again, is usually fine. I have an A/C unit that sits in one window that keeps the place comfortable in extremely hot weather, but of course that means I have to keep all the other windows in the house closed. Which means that every smell I create or emit has nowhere to go, and if I can't open the windows for a few days at a stretch, the apartment starts to smell like a combination of spaghetti and farts.
3. People become crankier when it's uncomfortably hot, as evidenced by this conversation I had with the scooper at Ben & Jerry's:
SCOOPER: What can I get for you?
ME: SHUT THE @&*@ UP.
4. The unusually high temperatures have caused the spiders to step up their efforts to get inside my apartment. As you know, my relationship with the neighborhood spiders, while not without its problems, has generally been peaceful. We have a mutual understanding that if they do not enter my house, I will not murder them. Likewise, if I see a spider outdoors, I leave it alone (unless it is in the act of committing a crime).
The spiders are generally content to stay outside, but not last week. Last week I saw more of them than usual lurking in the corners of my apartment, usually remaining perfectly still in the hopes that I wouldn't see them. Sometimes they would whistle nonchalantly when I walked past. I remained vigilant in my eradication program, with the exception of one particular spider. He was very small, about the size of an ant, and he had situated himself on the ceiling above my kitchen sink. It was so hot, and he was so lazy, that he didn't even bother to spin a web. He just sat there, apparently hoping some food would wander past and fall into his mouth. To get rid of him, I'd have had to stand on the kitchen counter, and I felt the same way about that as the spider did about building a web.
Sooooo hot. Sooooo lazy.
Still, I didn't want word getting around that I had relaxed my policies. Far from it! I had simply made a temporary exception. But the last thing you want is to appear soft, especially against a species that outnumbers you. So I pointed up at this spider, and I said in a stern tone, "You're living on borrowed time, my friend." But my heart wasn't in it. The spider knew, and I knew, that there was no way I was going to be climbing up on that kitchen counter anytime soon.
So he sat there, in the same spot, for two days. I thought he might be dead, but no, he occasionally twitched a little. He just didn't feel like going anywhere. That was something he and I had in common, that and our ability to capture prey with things we shot out of our butts. Then one day I noticed he was gone, and I had no idea where he'd skittered off to. He's probably lurking in a cereal box now, waiting for a chance to alarm me when I least expect it, knowing, as he does, that breakfast time is usually when I least expect things. I fear now that his endearing "laziness" may have been a ruse to keep me off-guard while he devised a more sinister plan.
Curse that spider and his ingenuity! Why am I always being outsmarted by things with more legs than me?? I need to go relax with a weed milkshake.
This item has 40 comments
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Cameron H. says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:09 amMy wife's mother uses one of those crystals. She stinks terribly. At this point, so does the crystal.
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Jennifer says:
August 3, 2009 at 8:47 amI especially enjoyed the digs at Las Vegas. It is incredibly #@*&$# hot here.
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m says:
August 3, 2009 at 9:11 am"My wife's mother uses one of those crystals."
Wait, that's a real thing? I thought Eric made it up. Surely that's a sign of the apocalypse.
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Unnamed Source says:
August 3, 2009 at 9:59 amI'm fairly certain I used to have a cologne called spaghetti and farts.
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Christina D says:
August 3, 2009 at 10:39 amI thought the crystals were made up as well, because despite having lived in Portland for 8 years, I'd never heard of them. But it turns out they are real!
http://tinyurl.com/kvm63r
There is a picture of one.
Wikipedia only says this:
"A popular alternative to modern commercial deodorants is ammonium alum, which is a common type of alum sold in crystal form. It has been used as a deodorant throughout history in Thailand, the Far East, Mexico and other countries."
No word on whether it actually works or not, but considering that it's used in smelly places like Mexico and Thailand, it probably doesn't.
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Turkey says:
August 3, 2009 at 11:54 amSpaghetti and farts. Ha!
And I was going to compliment you on the imagination line especially, only to discover you stole it. No compliment for you!
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K says:
August 3, 2009 at 12:37 pmExcept that it DOESN'T shut up the whiners from out of town, because now they have to whine about everybody else's whining. "Portlanders just don't know how to take it! You think this is bad? Where I come from, it doesn't get below 115 until Christmas, unless it's a leap year..." Whatever, evolution didn't naturally select us northwesterners to deal with this unearthly heat. We're like Galapagos turtles, or something...
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Calidaho says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:03 pmTurkey--where did he steal it from? I tried googling the phrase and it came up with only snide remarks.
Eric, I bet your place smells like spaghetti, farts AND a locker room. I know these things--I have a husband whose bachelor dwelling smelled like he had a candle burning in that scent. Now, when I go away for a few days, our place starts to smell a little ripe. Maybe he gets out the candle to maximize his temporary bachelor experience.
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Steve S says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:18 pmAt least the folks in the Pacific Northwest apparently aren't trying to resort to that old canard about it being "a different KIND of 'heat'" like you get from folks in Phoeniz and Las Vegas. ("Yes, it IS 125 but really, you'd never know it, 'cause it's A DIFFERENT KIND OF HEAT.")
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Kim says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:22 pmYou may be trying to "dissuade readers from falling in love" with you but you are failing, my friend. Failing!
I totally have a cyber-crush on you.
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Chrystle says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:30 pmYou have to dissuade readers from falling in love with you?
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Kate says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:36 pmI just want Ben and Jerry's to make "Shut the @#$% up." I imagine it has a lot of caramel.
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Adrienne says:
August 3, 2009 at 1:59 pmActually, it was close to 116 in Phoenix on Sunday and an "excessive heat warning" for most of the state. When it gets that hot, then you can cry like an angry baby.. Just Kidding actually 106 in the pacific north east sounds horrible, just like the 20 feet of snow you received during the holidays. And actually when it is 100 we start to wear hoodies because sometimes the air conditioning can be chilly :)
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Cameron says:
August 3, 2009 at 2:09 pmSimply hilarious.
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Chapps says:
August 3, 2009 at 2:48 pmEric - tyring to dissuade readers from falling in love with you?? TOO LATE! :) You are hilarious and SNIDE is my middle name. Coinsidentaly, I have the exact same understanding with spiders at my place.
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Debi Davis says:
August 3, 2009 at 3:07 pmThis is one of the funniest essays I have ever read! I haven't laughed so much since Erma Bombeck died. Thank you, Eric, for the nonstop chuckle. This Las Vegan appreciates your marvelous sense of humor.
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Admiral Byrd says:
August 3, 2009 at 3:18 pmReally, Steve S? Is that what we here in the SW say? I always thought I was saying "dry heat" but if "different kind of heat" were the words that were actually coming out of my mouth instead, I stand corrected. Thanks.
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aadrw says:
August 3, 2009 at 4:18 pmThat wee little spider? She was laying there all tired out because she was gestating. Let us know if baby #4,063 has her momma's eyes.
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Hope says:
August 3, 2009 at 4:58 pmAs an Arizonan married into Oregon and parent of a displaced Seattle citizen, your remarks just make me smile. It is true that I, for one, do put on a sweatshirt once it hits 80 degrees here, and I can completely understand the public stink - I lived in Germany when it hit 100, and the exact same public transportation/lack of deodorant along with European habit of bathing once a week whether you need it or not make it quite fetid.
Good luck up there until your heat wave passes... hopefully with the spiders as well.
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richrich says:
August 3, 2009 at 6:16 pmcrystal deodorant stones! HAR! my daughter-in-law is from the land of portland and she is decently clean and pleasant and doesnt need hippie crystals to smell minty fresh. no birkenstocks for her, its proper high heels for that mormon girl!
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Carrie says:
August 3, 2009 at 10:21 pmOkay, anyone who actually LIVES in the Southwest does NOT say that the heat is less unbearable because it's a DRY heat. It's all the weirdos who tell us that 120 isn't that hot because it's a dry heat (which they can say, because they are not in fact experiencing it, and instead are somewhere that's approximately 80 degrees or less) that make us want to kill everyone who lives somewhere with a relative humidity that averages above -93%.
Dry heat is great. If you want to be a mummy by sundown.
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Jamie says:
August 3, 2009 at 11:22 pmYou versus the lazy spider.... Loved It!
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Mary says:
August 4, 2009 at 1:04 amI live in the Midwest and most of the time the summers are sweltering here. This summer was not nearly as bad as previous ones but it was still pretty humid. Just a few days ago I told a friend that I wished I lived in Oregon or Washington this time of year. Now I'm glad I stayed put for the time being. Good luck with putting up with those hippies. Oh, and spiders. I could never be a member of PETA even if I wanted to due to my hatred of all things arachnid.
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Ray says:
August 4, 2009 at 7:38 amToronto has had, basically a Seattle/Portland summer (We call it a Vancouver summer, in fact); daytime temperatures around 72, nighttime around 60-65, lots of rain for the gardens. Global climate change not all bad.
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whome says:
August 4, 2009 at 9:04 amMany of us here in Las Vegas don't usually explain away how we can take the heat because it's a dry heat. It's usually the Georgians, Floridians, etc. that make the excuse, "You think this is hot, it's only a dry heat. Back home the temperature might not be as high, but we have real heat." Please note that they usually say this while not actually being in the dry heat.
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Christi says:
August 4, 2009 at 9:25 amYeah, "it's a dry heat" in Vegas usually translates as "we only experience the weather when walking between casinos."
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Admiral Byrd says:
August 4, 2009 at 12:30 pmWhat whome said.
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Russel.G says:
August 4, 2009 at 2:01 pm@ Debi Davis who said, "I haven't laughed so much since Erma Bombeck died." Personally, I didn't find her death very funny. Now Jeff Goldblum's death - that was a laugh riot!
Agreed on the "dry heat" being a lame explanation for how Las Vegans can stand 115 degrees in the shade. No one ever invites me to stick my head in their oven by saying, "Oh, it's alright. It's a dry heat!"
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Hawaii girl says:
August 4, 2009 at 2:02 pmHaving spent my summer in Seattle, I realize that those who live in Portland are Seattle-ites in disguise. good column!!
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Michael says:
August 4, 2009 at 11:19 pmYeah, I live in Seattle. It was HOT. I grew up in Kansas, so I'm used to it. But of course we had air conditioning in Kansas. We don't even have a basement in Seattle to cool off, since those things get flooded so easily around here. I just had to tough it out. In front of the TV set.
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Cheri says:
August 5, 2009 at 7:52 amAs someone who has lived in Idaho during the hottest summer of record (although this one might beat it out) and who now lives in Missouri amongst all the humidity, I will just say that heat is heat. It's always killer. Now humidity adds problems, like shade not doing what shade is supposed to do, and swamp coolers being completely useless. But dry heat dries you out like a sponge in a microwave.
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Mona says:
August 5, 2009 at 10:03 amI survived the 107 (it was one degree hotter in Hillsboro) last week but felt my death was imminent. A few days later it was still hot & humidity was up to 80%--that was even worse than 107. I accomplished cleaning out one cool basement room, though it took all week, a little at a time (& watching movies in between).
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Adrienne says:
August 5, 2009 at 11:57 amThose "ya but it's a dry heat" comments make me laugh...103 degrees at 9 in the morning is hot, I don't care if you do have 90% humidity in your Florida state, try hiking in that dry, desert heat and tell me how your mountain rescue went.
P.S.-113 today in Phoenix!
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Unnamed Source says:
August 5, 2009 at 5:44 pmBy the way, here in Lake Elsinore we prefer our smoothies with meth.
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Linda says:
August 6, 2009 at 6:40 amI won't go on about the climate in Austin, if you live here you know, but I do want to applaud your policy on spiders as it matches my own. Good thing spiders don't have a similar policy with regard to us or we'd be in some real trouble.
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Sister Titty says:
August 6, 2009 at 10:45 amI survived the Seattle heat wave. Sure am glad I hooked up with an HVAC tech when I first moved here!! Air conditioning in the bedroom, what a life saver! Also, just so you know, you are going to have to try WAY harder if you are going to disuade my best friend from falling in love with you....something more along the lines of "My favorite meal is liver, I look on the brightside all the time and I never use crosswalks." That might do it, but I might just be too late!!
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Greg says:
August 6, 2009 at 6:36 pmThe rest of the country has been having a cold summer. Now we know who's hogging all the heat.
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Eric Herman says:
August 6, 2009 at 7:42 pmI love how this morphed into another spider column. And for some reason, the line about the spider whistling nonchalantly made me laugh heartily.
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Turkey says:
August 8, 2009 at 10:57 am@#8, I said he stole it because HE said he stole it (it's in the comments section right there). When Eric says he steals something, I believe him.
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Kaydria says:
August 9, 2009 at 3:02 pmThe end is near, my friend. Snow in the winter, heat in the summer. How will we LIVE?
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Notes:
I include unsavory descriptions of my living quarters and personal habits in order to dissuade readers from falling in love with me.
Oh, and the line ending "...the same thing as using your imagination" was stolen from a friend of mine who doesn't write an Internet column and thus has no use for funny lines. Thanks, anonymous non-Internet-writer friend!