Eric D. Snider
I Learned It from Watching You
Snide Remarks #587
"I Learned It from Watching You"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in EricDSnider.com on July 14, 2008
Going to the movies can be very educational. For example, you learn about sociology when you see teenagers pay $9 for tickets only to ignore the film and spend the whole time sending text messages. You learn about physics when you observe how an ordinary cell phone screen appears as bright as the sun when it's lit up in a darkened theater. And you learn about civics when you are arrested for shoving a cell phone down a teenager's throat.
And the movies themselves can teach us, too! If you've been avoiding the cinemas this year, here's what you've been missing.
Things the Movies Taught Us in the First Half of 2008
"Cloverfield": If monsters ever do invade our planet, all the survivors will do is complain about how they wish the witnesses had held their cameras steadier.
"10,000 B.C.": The prehistoric tribes of 12,000 years ago had better dental plans than the Britons of today.
"Rambo": Burma is a troubled, violent nation, so if you visit, be sure to bring a mentally imbalanced senior citizen with you.
"Meet the Spartans": Even though the film "300" came out an entire year ago, it's still possible to do a really, really unfunny parody of it.
"27 Dresses": If you've been a bridesmaid 27 times and still have not gotten married, you should probably take the hint that the universe is sending you.
"Horton Hears a Who!": A person who claims to hear tiny voices crying out to him for help isn't necessarily insane. He might just be an elephant.
"Sex and the City": If a woman gains five pounds and develops just the merest hint of a slight "tummy" -- you know, like 95 percent of all women have -- then her closest, dearest friends will openly mock and laugh at her for being such a big fat pig. This includes the friend who has the body of a praying mantis and the face of a racehorse.
"21": When you are secretly counting cards at a Las Vegas blackjack table and you wish to give a stealthy signal to your compatriots to indicate that the table is "hot," be sure the agreed-upon signal is as conspicuous and unnatural-looking as possible.
"Leatherheads": Despite the misleading title, this is not the long-awaited reunion of Robert Redford and Paul Newman.
"Prom Night": Fictional prom nights on which everyone gets murdered are only slightly more traumatic than real prom nights.
"Forgetting Sarah Marshall": Full-frontal male nudity is always funny. ALWAYS. Or at least that's what I told the judge.
"What Happens in Vegas": Despite the Constitution's guarantee against cruel and unusual punishment, it is legal for a judge to sentence you to be married to Cameron Diaz.
"You Don't Mess with the Zohan": Having now played offensive caricatures of a Chinese man, a Japanese man, a Pacific Islander, and an Arab, it is only a matter of time before Rob Schneider appears in an Adam Sandler film wearing blackface and singing "Mammy."
"The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian": No matter how many slaughters and decapitations your film has, it can still be rated PG if that's what you ask the ratings board for, and if you happen to be the Disney company.
"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull": The safest place to be in a nuclear explosion is a refrigerator. This is great news if World War III commences and you happen to be a package of lunchmeat.
"WALL-E": In the distant future, all humans will be obese, lazy slugs who would rather sit in a chair and communicate electronically than interact with people face-to-face. So you're on the right path, World of Warcraft players!
Stumble It!This item has 23 comments
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Dan says:
July 14, 2008 at 6:36 amPraying mantis+horse=lol
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Kaydria says:
July 14, 2008 at 7:27 amRob Schneider + blackface = wtflolbbq.
Yeah that's right. I what the flipped, laughed out loud, and held a barbecue in celebration.
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Clumpy says:
July 14, 2008 at 9:52 amI think "Mammy" was a movie. You might mean "My Mammy". Ignore the nitpicker if you will.
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Turkey says:
July 14, 2008 at 2:02 pmThat SJP picture has me creeped out. But man, is it funny.
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Ray says:
July 14, 2008 at 2:09 pmUhh, Clumpy?
Better Google your opinion before you correct the critic. "Mammy" (how I luv ya, how I luv ya, My dear old Mammy!) was a song. The movie was Al Jolson's "The Jazz Singer" famed for being the first movie with sound released to the public. Eric may be familiar with the 'blackface' phenomenon, where white people made an unconvincing pretence of being black people and sang what they fondly believed to be "Negro" music. If "Mammy" and Al Jolson's "Suwanee" were typical examples, the music was neither jazz, nor anything like the music black musicians were making in the twenties and thirties of the last century. A curious cultural phenomenon -- Jolson was famous, when a real black musician couldn't get a gig at a dogfight.
Eric's familiariy with blackface probably comes about because he is media-savvy and smart. I'm that, too, but I'm also old enough to have caught an echo of the blackface thing before it became too cringe-inducing to tolerate.
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notJoeKing says:
July 14, 2008 at 2:58 pmHaving just seen Wall-E, and as a WoW player, I could really go for one of those chairs... :)
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me says:
July 14, 2008 at 3:30 pmI saw Wall-E opening day and while I know the fat people sitting in chairs and communicating through their screens was supposed to be bad, but it was VERY appealing to me. Wonder why that is?
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Clumpy says:
July 14, 2008 at 4:12 pmHi, Ray. As a proud proponent of Google, I hereby champion its use in your future criticism:
http://www.google.com/search?q=mammy+song
If "Mammy" is a song, it's a damned obscure one. BTW, I'm familiar with blackface, but only because I used to watch old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Believe it or not, there was a time when Bugs could be seen singing "Dixie" while in blackface. Those times are, thankfully, over. Incidentally, it wasn't only whites who would use the "blackface" image - black vaudeville groups and singers would occasionally use the look, only painting the rims of their mouths white of course.
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Bryce says:
July 14, 2008 at 8:17 pm"Holliday Inn" with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire has a scene of blackface. It is SO creepy and uncomfortable to watch.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Bing_Crosby_as_Abraham.jpg
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B says:
July 14, 2008 at 8:19 pmThe floating chairs and communication screens were nice, but I'm really looking forward to cupcake in a cup, and the shade robots.
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Pumpkin says:
July 15, 2008 at 4:30 amHow can someone not have heard of the song "Mammy"? That part of "The Jazz Singer" is famous and has been referenced in all sorts of media ever since. And shows with "blackface" were usually called "Minstrel Shows," for another tidbit of trivia. How many times can I possibly use quotation marks? :)
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Eric D. Snider says:
July 15, 2008 at 4:46 amThis is a very useful discussion y'all are having, but let me settle it. The song is actually called "My Mammy," so technically I was wrong when I called it "Mammy." On the other hand, you knew which song I was talking about, didn't you? And I would argue that "Mammy" is a more familiar title (albeit the wrong one) than "My Mammy" would have been.
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Clumpy says:
July 15, 2008 at 9:19 pmYeah - doesn't matter. I was merely flaunting my unholy love of semantics (some antics?). We all have a little Comic Book Guy in us.
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Jenn says:
July 16, 2008 at 3:08 amOh I'm so glad that someone else thinks that SJP has a horsey face......although the praying mantis part was something I hadn't heard before. I'm still laughing over it........Eric, you are more clever than any man has the right to be.......marry me? ;)
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ClobberGirl says:
July 16, 2008 at 4:08 am"In the distant future, all humans will be obese, lazy slugs who would rather sit in a chair and communicate electronically than interact with people face-to-face. So you're on the right path, World of Warcraft players!"
I'm a World of Warcraft player and a 19 on the BMI and... I still lol'ed.
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GWGumby says:
July 16, 2008 at 3:25 pmIf we're going to all be sticklers for correct references, then I will have to just butt in here and correct the title of this article, which I assume is the reference to the anti-drug PSA from the 80s.
In the commercial the boys says "I learned it by watching you" not "I learned it from watching you."
In the future, Eric, please make sure all your references are correct, otherwise I shall no longer trust you as a valid comedy writer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-Elr5K2Vuo
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Rob D. says:
July 17, 2008 at 11:04 amI totally agree with you about teens and their lack of cell phone etiquette. Not to mention people who talk during movies in general. I'm lucky that I go see my movies alone, after midnight, during the week. Even on the Vegas strip it's usually quiet at those times. I also wait a week to see popular movies. Although, I just came back from Hancock (Started at 12.15 a. m). A young couple came to watch the movie with their 2 kids. One was an infant being carried and the other was in a stroller (couldn't tell the age). Shocking that the infant was crying during the previews (around 20 people total in the theatre). I was lucky that they moved to the front (drowned out by the movie) and I think the baby fell asleep as I was able to watch the movie in peace. What is wrong with people though? The movie didn't end until after 2 a.m.
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treen says:
July 17, 2008 at 1:09 pmI'm surprised at myself for doing this, but I'm actually going to defend the couple taking babies to a midnight showing of a movie. Here's what I see as a possibility of their thinking: they can't afford a babysitter (I'm amazed at what a teenager may charge these days) or can't find one, and they just want to go to a movie. They take the baby to a late-night showing figuring that the baby will sleep through it so that they and everyone else in the theater can watch the movie in peace. If they took the baby to an earlier showing, the chances of sleeping through it are substantially decreased.
Now that I have small kids, I can kind of understand why some people might do that on occasion. I don't think I'd ever do it myself - I'm fortunate to have some friends to do babysitting swaps with for date nights with our husbands. But I'm more inclined to cut people some slack if they do.
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Ben C. says:
July 17, 2008 at 4:02 pmI don't know treen... I've got a baby and I would never take her into the theater. No matter what time of the day. The sound they pump through the speakers these days is way too much for them to handle. Even asleep. And, I knew that with becoming a parent I was going to have to give up certain things. Going to the movies is one of them. So, I've got my Blockbuster account and just wait for video. I don't feel it's right to ruin someone's movie going experience because of my kid. Even if she would sleep through the whole thing, there's still that possibility that she could wake up. Then I would have to miss the movie to take her outside. It's better just to wait. Watch it in the comfort of your own home. Or, my wife and I will just see the movie at different times and do the babysitting ourselves.
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Amp says:
July 17, 2008 at 11:56 pmI used to agree with treen. I have small children and am sometimes desperate for a night out and if my kids weren't sticklers for their schedule, I would've been tempted. But then I went to all the trouble (and expense) of finding a babysitter so my husband and I could see Crystal Skull (it was an 8 pm showing), and wouldn't you know it, a family with three young children--the youngest not yet 2, I guessed--came and sat down RIGHT NEXT TO US. I was so mad. They were probably as quiet as small children can be, but nevertheless, I went to the movies precisely to enjoy a movie without noisy children. Ben C. is right. Leave the kids at home.
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Googelplex says:
July 20, 2008 at 5:52 pmHilarious, Eric! Guys, You Don't Mess With The Eric, okay? It's rather... nitpicky, and is just the slightest bit petty. The point of the article is to make fun of the latest crap that Hollywood can dish out, and getting *one word* in the *title* wrong doesn't make Eric a bad comedy writer. And that goes to you, too, "Mammy" vs. "My Mammy" people!
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ClobberGirl says:
July 24, 2008 at 11:52 pmI used to bring my infant daughter to movies with me when she was really little, and for the most part, she slept through them. I would sit in the back as close to an exit as I could and keep a bottle ready. If she woke up, the bottle was always enough to quiet her immediately and she'd drink herself back to sleep. I stayed close to the exit so I could get out of there quickly if she got out of control. I think I was pretty considerate and much less of a problem than some parents and cell phone users.
In March of 2007, when she was about 9 months old, we took her with us to TMNT. And for the first time ever, bottles weren't enough to keep her quiet. She woke up and started fussing horribly halfway through the movie. My husband and I spent the rest of the movie taking turns taking her out into the hallway and letting her play there. She hasn't been to a movie theater since. If we wanna see a movie, we wait till we have a sitter.
Besides, most movie theaters don't have baby changing stations. It is a true pain in the *** to have to change your kid's diaper on a restroom floor. The movie theater clearly doesn't want them there, so why bring them? But if you are going to take your kid, you need to be ready to be considerate of others and get the hell out of there if they start acting up.
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macbrooks says:
July 25, 2008 at 5:01 pm"This is great news if World War III commences and you happen to be a package of lunchmeat."
I am so glad everyone else at work is at lunch right now. I laughed like an idiot at this line.
Thanks, Eric!
mac :]
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Comments & Reaction:
The "Sex and the City" part came from something I wrote for Film.com that was never published, called "Five Things I Learned from 'Sex and the City.'" The other four weren't particularly funny.
I tried to write this column so that actually seeing the films in question wouldn't be a prerequisite for getting the jokes. A couple of them violate that principle, but what's the point in having a policy if you can't violate it?