And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.... And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
"Seriously, MORE taxes? Wasn't one of Augustus' promises that he wouldn't raise taxes?"
"Yeah, but who's going to call him on it? You?"
"No, I guess not. You comfortable on that donkey?"
"Not really. Is there another option?"
"Not really."
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
"You're telling me you don't have ANY rooms?"
"None, I'm sorry."
"What if King Herod showed up wanting a room? Would you have a room for him?"
"Well, of course, we'd come up with something for King Herod."
"Well, he's not coming. Let us have his room."
"I'm sorry, sir. Like I said before, you're more than welcome to stay out in the stable."
"I remember. You know that's really not much of a consolation, right?"
"Well, yes. I was kind of being sarcastic when I said it."
"Well, guess what. We're going to stay in your stable. I'm going to take my hugely pregnant wife and we're going to sleep in that stable, where she'll probably deliver the baby, right there with the hay and the animals and the what-have-you."
"OK."
"Did I mention who this baby is?"
"Yes, sir. You were quite vivid about it."
"King of the Jews, innkeeper. KING OF THE JEWS!!"
"Yes, sir."
"He is NOT going to be happy with you."
"Yes, sir."
"Don't think I won't tell him!"
"Of course, sir."
"Sigh. OK, we'll be in the stable. Can we get a wake-up call for 8?"
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.... And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.
"Is it safe to go into town? You know the locals don't like us."
"I know, but this is important! We need to go see the baby!"
"They're always like, 'Oh, you shepherds, you come into Jerusalem, you take our jobs, you don't even speak Hebrew!'"
"I know, I know."
"Like any of the locals want to lie in fields keeping sheep on a cold winter's night that is so deep!"
"They wouldn't last a week."
"Not for this money, anyway."
"So about the baby."
"Yeah, all right, let's go. I don't have a gift to bring, though."
"It's OK. I think he likes us anyway. He doesn't care what language we speak, either."
"Because he loves everyone?"
"That, and because he's a baby and can't understand us anyway."
"Hey, maybe I could play my drum for him!"
"Yeah, that's a great idea. Go bang your drum in the middle of the night where the people just had a baby. They'll LOVE that."
"I'm just trying to help."
"I know. You're a good man, Pedro."
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.
"OK, hold on there, fellas. What's the nature of your visit to Jerusalem?"
"Well, we're, um, wise men, and we're here to see the King of the Jews."
"The King of the Jews? What does that mean? Herod is the king, but he's not a Jew."
"Yeah, I don't think it's him. We're looking for somebody else."
"Who?"
"We don't know."
"And how do you plan to find him?"
"Well, there's a star, and we're sort of following it."
"Uh-huh. And do you have passports?"
"Um, no."
"How long do you plan to stay?"
"We're not really sure."
"How many of you are there? Three?"
"Why does everyone think there's going to be three of us? No, there are seven."
"And you seven want to come into this country for an undetermined length of time, with one-way tickets, just to hang out and look for some 'king' of yours."
"That's right."
"We're going to need to search your bags."
"That's fine. We have nothing to hide."
"OK, now this, what's this?"
"That's myrrh."
"What's myrrh?"
"I ... don't know, exactly."
"Well, you've got more than three ounces of it, so it's going in the trash."
"See, I told you to bring gold."
"I thought he might like some myrrh!"
"You just like the way it's spelled."
"I do like the way it's spelled. It's one of the few instances where 'y' functions as the only vowel. Not common at all."
"Hey, hey, wise guys, listen: What's this?"
"Frankincense."
"Oh, man, here we go."
"Frankenstein?"
"No, frankincense."
"What's frankenstein?"
"Is frankincense like myrrh?"
"I don't think so."
"Why are you guys bringing all this weird stuff?"
"For the king."
"You think the king likes weird stuff?"
"It's a gesture. We want to worship the king and bring him gifts showing that we honor and respect him."
"And you don't think he'd prefer a new horse, or a fine robe, or something?
"We were shopping at the last minute, and all the stores were closed."
"All the stores were closed?"
"Of course. For the Christmas weekend."
"Are we going to end on that joke?"
"It's probably best."
my favorite line: "Yes, sir. You were quite vivid about it."
Hilarious. My favorite line: "Well, you've got more than three ounces of it, so it's going in the trash."
Best... Snide-Remarks... (that I've) Ever! (read).
I haven't remotely read them all, so I can't say that it's the best ever, but the funniest I can recall reading over the last year or two. A+
I love it and I expect it will become a classic. The line that made me laugh out loud is ""Like any of the locals want to lie in fields keeping sheep on a cold winter's night that is so deep!"
Can't wait to see if someone out there is offended, I thought it was delightfully clever.
Absolutely hilarious!
I'm just going to get this out of the way...
I found this Snide Remarks slightly sacrilegious.
That is all.
"Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him."
What are your thoughts of Mary and Joseph having to go to Egypt soon thereafter?
This was totally awesome. You're the Mormon Dave Barry, except with slightly fewer fart jokes.
Pretty funny. I love the whole conversation about myrrh, because what is that?
Is it slightly sacreligious... or just plain sacrelicious?
"# Brandon says:
December 18th at 10:25 am
I'm just going to get this out of the way...
I found this Snide Remarks slightly sacrilegious.
That is all."
Brandon, I fail to see how this is sacrilegious. There is nothing in this column that mocks or denies the divinity of Christ himself. Satirizing the way that people behaved back then, and how they would likely behave today is not sacrilegious. If you want to label something sacrilegious, then go watch "The Life of Brian" or something.
If there's any truth in "The Life of Brian" myrrh might have been useful in making bombs, another good reason to throw it out. Then again, looking for truth from Monty Python is like looking for it in a humor column.
I love the part about the number of wise men. I didn't realize until I was a teenager that it never says how many kings there are-just that there were three gifts. I guess people have always assumed there was one king per gift.
"Then again, looking for truth from Monty Python is like looking for it in a humor column."
If it's not true, it's not funny. Truth is the seed of humor. :)
Can we get part 2 next week? :D
absolutely hilarious
"I found this Snide Remarks slightly sacrilegious."
Ah, the good old "You made fun of something in proximity to something else that I hold sacred, therefore it was sacrilegious."
Very funny. It did bother me a little, but I'm sensitive about some things.
I really want to explain about the whole myrrh and frankicense thing, but I doubt anyone here actually cares, so I'll leave that out. (I wanted to explain to the stupid border officials in the column, too. Idiots! )
Give 'ol Brandon a break. He said "I found this Snide Remarks slightly sacrilelgious." I don't think he could have put it any better.
He found it (to him it was) slightly sacrilegious. He did not declare it universally sacrilegious, just sacrilegious to him.
I found it funny, and I bet he did too.
I have always thought it would be quite the story if the nativity were to happen today. Excellent. I couldn't have written this any better myself (and I would have been too lazy to try!)
At first I felt the beginning with Joseph was sacrilegious. Then I realized the reason I felt that is because we're not allowed to portray Joseph or Mary as normal humans. They have to be a cut above the rest, merely slightly inconvenienced when there is no room at the inn. They stoically accept their fate in every representation I've seen of it. We're not allowed to think of them as irritated/annoyed/angry. After I realized that, I liked the beginning a lot more.
The rest was just funny. Except I was told the fact that shepherd were with their flocks at night was evidence that it wasn't cold (thus debunking the idea that Christ was born in December). But the line is still funny.
Loved it, loved it, loved it. The border thing really struck my funny bone, because of something that happened to my favourite band when they were on tour. They're from Newfoundland, and were crossing into the States on their tourbus around the whole seal hunt kafuffle, and the American border guards took the time to tell these "Newfies" their political views on the seal hunt. At three o'clock in the morning. It took the band a lot of control to keep their mouths shut. It was funny because of how true it is about border crossings.
Well he's not coming. Let us have his room." Hahahahaha. Funniest. Line. Ever.
I was afraid it might be sacrilegious, but it turned out to be one of the funniest things I've read in a while. Of course, I'm not particularly sensitive about most things; one time at the rodeo a bull stomped on my crotch and I just felt bad for getting in the way.
You know how in the song "Do You Hear What I Hear?" they say "A child, a child shivers in the cold; let us bring him silver and gold"? I always want to tell them, "Forget the silver and gold, how about a BLANKET?"
I think frankincense is a fragrant tree sap that only grows in a certain area in the middle east and is used as a perfume. Not sure, I'd enjoy wearing tree sap to smell good. Kinda sticky. You got me on the Myrrh, although I'm going to random a guess and say it's a shiny stone before I go and edit the Wikipedia entry to make me a genius.
Wow, that random comma in my second sentence totally changed the meaning! Glad there's no "edit comment" option.
I really didn't find this one quite as funny as usual. Others may see it differently, but it didn't make me laugh. Oh, well. I usually enjoy these articles more.
AdamOndi said, "There is nothing in this column that mocks or denies the divinity of Christ himself."
I don't think that has much to do with sacrilege. Whenever you make fun of something another person holds sacred, you are saying to them that their values are a bit messed up. At least they may feel that way. Others hold their right to offend others as sacred and get offended when someone suggests they've gone too far. Everyone will get offended at something.
Didn't know anyone else was around who had heard the Stan Freberg recording. I still sing snippets of "Everybody Wants To Be the Art Director", about designing the first flag, and "Take an Indian To Lunch" (for Thanksgiving), at odd moments. The guy did some very funny stuff.
Yup, not as funny as usual (to me, anyway). It had a few great lines, my favorites satirizing Christmas themes that don't make sense... "Yeah, that's a great idea. Go bang your drum in the middle of the night where the people just had a baby. They'll LOVE that."
I loved this!!! (And I'm a pastor, so that's saying something!)
It's sad when the 'uber religious' can't laugh at themselves like the rest of us do.
I'm sending this on to people, and I just never do that.
"Yeah, that's a great idea. Go bang your drum in the middle of the night where the people just had a baby. They'll LOVE that." I just had a baby myself a couple of months ago, and I know personally, if anyone makes ANY sound while she's sleeping, I'm on them like fleas on a monkey. If some kid came around banging a drum, I'd probably break the drum over his head. I'm sure Mary was a more patient and kind woman than me... but seriously, she'd just pushed a human being out of her body. She was bound to be a LITTLE on edge.
truly classic!
-The myrrh, babe.
-The wha'?
-The myrrh.
-The wha'?
-Myrrh.
-The wha'?
-Myrrh.
-The myrrh?
-The what?
"# whome says:
December 19th at 3:30 am
I don't think that has much to do with sacrilege. Whenever you make fun of something another person holds sacred, you are saying to them that their values are a bit messed up. At least they may feel that way. Others hold their right to offend others as sacred and get offended when someone suggests they've gone too far. Everyone will get offended at something."
Ah, but getting offended at something and calling something sacrilegious are two completely different matters. If Brandon had simply said "I am offended by this column" then so be it. However, accusing someone else of blasphemous behavior (one of the definitions of "sacrilege" according to Dictionary.com) is a serious insult in my book. Far beyond simply being offended by something.
I don't see anything wrong with what Brandon said. Perhaps he could have said that he found it slightly disrespectful or slightly distasteful. I just don't think expressing his opinion constitutes a "serious insult."
If he breaks out the pitchforks and/or tar and feathers I might change my perception.
It wasnt very funny at all...good idea but just not funny.
"I know. You're a good man, Pedro."
I'm in a room by myself, so the "Puh-ch!" I made was hardly even audible. Do not let that mean that the above wasn't one of the best lines I've read in Snide Remarks (or any other humor column) for a very long time. (And I've read every Snide Remarks and movie review, etc. on this site.)
-"Is it safe to go into town? You know the locals don't like us."
-"They're always like, 'Oh, you shepherds, you come into Jerusalem, you take our jobs, you don't even speak Hebrew!'"
-"They wouldn't last a week."
-"Not for this money, anyway."
-"Yeah, that's a great idea. Go bang your drum in the middle of the night where the people just had a baby. They'll LOVE that."
-"I'm just trying to help."
-"I know. You're a good man, Pedro."
...Being hated by locals...
...Speaking a different language...
...Working harder for smaller wages...
...Loud music at inoppurtune moments...
...And in the long run, just trying to help...
Great social commentary! (And if it wasn't, then yeah, it's still funny.)
Super column!
Hilarious! Eric, you are the man! This reminds me of a recent play that I read that is exactly of this tone, "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot," as directed recently by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. You gotta read it, you'll really like it! Think of a trial of Judas in Purgatory with characters from the Bronx. Who knows, afterward, you may want to expand your piece of work into a comedic play, too. Happy holidays!
I confess not thinking this article was particularly funny until I imagined it as a play. That would be awesome! I call upon the high school drama departments of the world to start writing Eric for performing rights!
You mean I'm not the only person that listens to Stan Freberg? Thank heavens!
"Are we going out on that joke?" No, we do reprise of song first; that help. "But not much." No, not much.
Eric, this stuff is terrific, profoundly amusing, and thought provoking. I have to think that because both Mary and Joseph had already enjoyed some divine confirmation about their roles, that it gave them some consolation when faced with the prospect of spending the night and giving birth in a smelly stable, but I still think they were offended that they couldn't find something moderately comfortable. Nothing impressed me as sacriligious; just a fresh take on a story we've long heard without thinking, "They're only human, with the same emotions as anyone else under similar circumstances." I'm gonna put this in the ward newsletter. What better way to get everyone talking about our inaugural issue? My Bishop's pretty progressive. Stay tuned for how this goes over. I agree about the prospects of this being a great little play.
"I'm gonna put this in the ward newsletter. What better way to get everyone talking about our inaugural issue? My Bishop's pretty progressive. Stay tuned for how this goes over."
Mmhmm. Were you maybe gonna, I don't know, ask permission from the author before reprinting it?
Ok I work at the airport in Toronto...and that is so freaky cuz i can totally imagine this happening. lol
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Comments & Reaction:
The last joke is an homage the great comedy album "Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America Vol. 1" (1961), which has a similar exchange of dialogue at the end of a couple sketches. (Ben Franklin tells Thomas Jefferson he'd better hurry to get signatures for the Declaration of Independence before everyone goes out of town for the Fourth of July weekend, for example.) Freberg eventually recorded Volume 2, but it wasn't nearly as good.
I think I was watching the film "The Nativity Story" when the idea occurred to me to explore what it would be like if these things happened today: shepherds would be poor migrant workers, the Wise Men would be stopped at the border, and so forth. No disrespect is intended toward the biblical story, of course. Just havin' a little fun.