Ken You Believe It?

Snide Remarks #517

"Ken You Believe It?"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on October 16, 2006

When I read that legendary "Jeopardy!" nerd-millionaire Ken Jennings was going to be in Portland last week for a book signing, I thought: I bet he would like to have dinner with me while he's in town. I mean, who wouldn't?! I'm a perfectly suitable dinner companion. I exercise proper table etiquette, I don't talk with my mouth full, and there are many restaurants from which I have not been banned.

Ken Jennings and I both graduated from Brigham Young University (motto: "Resistance Is Futile") and were there at the same time, but we didn't know each other. He knew who I was, though, because he read my "Snide Remarks" column in the campus paper every week, and subsequently in the local rag that I worked for. He also figures he must have seen me perform with the Garrens Comedy Troupe once or twice. In other words, KEN JENNINGS WAS A HUGE ERIC D. SNIDER FAN.

I was unaware of any of this until last fall, when I auditioned for "Jeopardy!" and wrote a column about it. The column somehow came to Ken Jennings' attention -- Ken Jennings is all-knowing and all-seeing -- and he e-mailed me to say hello and good luck with getting on the show and all that. I replied to say thank you and to point out that THAT VERY NIGHT I was going to be doing a show in Provo in which I would debut my new song ABOUT KEN JENNINGS! How magical it would be, I said, if he attended the show and heard the song with his own nerd ears as I performed it live! Alas, he was flying somewhere for a speaking engagement, so he couldn't come. He said he was flattered, though, with something to the effect of, "This makes up for all the times I could have impressed a date by being mentioned in a Garrens sketch."

So now it's almost a year later, and I see he's going to be in Portland, where I live. I e-mail him, ask if he wants to have lunch or something, he suggests a post-signing dinner instead, and the arrangements are made. I had cheered for him during his historic "Jeopardy!" run, and of course (as mentioned) he was a devoted, almost rabid Eric D. Snider fan. Our first in-person meeting promised to be a joyous affair of mutual fawning, gushing and admiration.

He was speaking and signing books at the Barnes & Noble at Clackamas Town Center, in the southeastern corner of Portland. It's part of his tour to promote "Brainiac," his new book that tells his "Jeopardy!" story, addresses America's love with trivia in general, offers tips to would-be contestants, and reveals the source of Alex Trebek's absurdly high level of smugness. (Steroids.)

I showed up at the end of Ken Jennings' presentation and observed as he chatted with well-wishers, took pictures with them, and signed their books ("Who is Ken Jennings?" is how he signs them). He was amiable and friendly, even with the people who were clearly insane. I asked later if this had been a good turnout for one of his appearances, and he said it was average. It's hard to gauge where the crowds will be. I said I figured Salt Lake City would be a good one for him, since he's a Mormon and used to live there, but he said his last appearance there, at the Barnes & Noble in the Sugarhouse neighborhood, was actually rather sparse.

"Well, that's Sugarhouse," I said. "It's a very hip, trendy part of town. If you'd been a lesbian, there would have been a lot of people there."

"Ah," he said. "Well, I do like women...."

"See? You're halfway there."

We left the mall and walked across the street to Red Robin, the nearest eatery that was not in the mall and not called Chevy's.

Here are the answers to some things you are probably wondering about:

1. Yes, Ken Jennings paid for dinner. Actually, since he was on the book tour, Random House paid for it. I asked him if people always expect him to pick up the check now that he's rich, and he said some do. Others offer to pay, "as a point of pride," perhaps hoping he'll say no. He doesn't, though: "If they want to pay, I let them pay." And that's how Ken Jennings will STAY rich.

2. No, Ken Jennings was not wearing a suit made of $100 bills. They were 50s.

3. Yes, Ken Jennings drives a 1999 Toyota Corolla.

4. No, Ken Jennings did not slip the Red Robin hostess a 20 in order to get us a better table.

5. Yes, there is a woman out there who has kissed both Ken Jennings and me. While we were trying to figure out if we had any BYU friends in common, he named a particular girl whom I had indeed been friends with, and whom I'd even dated briefly in 1998. Turns out he went to high school with her and dated her back then. Seeking to brag, I said, "Sure, but did you kiss her?" He said, "Yes -- why, have we kissed?!" And the answer is that yes, since I kissed a girl who had previously kissed him, in a way Ken Jennings and I have kissed each other. Considering the list of women I have kissed is not lengthy, this is a profound coincidence.

I was pleased to discover that in person Ken Jennings is extremely chatty and funny, very much at ease with his crazy new life and apparently unaffected by it. His humor is self-deprecating -- we discussed the issue of his 15 minutes of fame, which he said he's hoping "Brainiac" will extend -- and there was much laughter and merriment as we ate our giant Red Robin burgers and used $100 bills to light cigars.

Aside from the girl we both kissed and our basic LDS, BYU backgrounds, we have a few things in common:

1. We both love movies, pop culture and trivia.

2. We both have had periods of fame where people on the street recognized us. His is waning now, and mine waned a long time ago and was only ever in effect at BYU and in Provo, but still.

3. We both grew up elsewhere, moved to Utah to go to school, stuck around longer than we had planned, woke up one day and said, "Holy crap! I've lived in Utah for 10 years!," and then finally fled to the Pacific Northwest.

4. Sometimes people ask us stupid things. He said a fan e-mailed him wondering if he had contact information for a contestant who had appeared on "Jeopardy!" in 1999, five years before Ken Jennings himself appeared, as if getting on the show entitled you to a copy of some huge "Jeopardy!" contestant directory. In response, I told him about the torment I've suffered at the hands of Raven-Symone's all-idiot fanbase, who believe that since I have mentioned Raven-Symone in a movie review, surely I must also have her e-mail address.

Ken Jennings still had to drive back home to Seattle that night, so we could not linger at Red Robin for hours and hours, nor could we move on to the second phase of my plan for the evening, which was to go to some strip clubs, get drunk, and have Ken Jennings co-sign a car loan for me. We walked back to the Barnes & Noble parking lot and parted ways. I called some friends to tell them that I'd met Ken Jennings, and I'm pretty sure he called his friends to do some bragging, too. He was a pretty big fan of mine, after all.

Comments & Reaction:

I'm such a tool.

Ken Jennings wrote about our meeting in his blog, which I recommend you read regularly anyway, because he's a funny writer. And speaking of that, pick up a copy of "Brainiac" while you're at it. A more entertaining and amusing discussion of trivia and "Jeopardy!" I have not read.

Why did I refer to Ken Jennings by his full name throughout the column? I don't know. For some reason I think it's vaguely funnier. I note that the last time I did that, it was with Mel Gibson. Make of that what you will.

If you would like to hear the Ken Jennings song I referred to, it's called "Mr. Bright Guy," and it can be found (with some other Eric D. Snider recordings) here. It's also on my second CD, "Monkeys and Pirates Are Funny."

I mentioned my "Jeopardy!" audition. It happened last November, and I passed the test and was put into the contestant pool. However, there are something like 40,000 people in that pool at any given time, and they only need a few hundred a year, so the odds aren't good. If they don't call you within 12 months, you're out of the pool and you have to audition again -- which means if I don't get a call within the next three weeks, I'm hosed. I'm not holding my breath.

With this column, we implement a new feature on EricDSnider.com: the ability to post comments on any article on the site. Previously, you had to send me an e-mail to tell me how disappointed you were in a column, or how much I've slipped since the old days. Now, you can say so directly on the page on which the article appears! That's progress, kids!

This item has 36 comments

Lane says:
October 16, 2006 at 2:42 am
I've met Raven-Symone! You should have referred those fans to me! Enjoyable article.
Robert says:
October 16, 2006 at 9:05 am
A delightful column! I am so glad you guys got to meet!
Matt (not the Ken Jennings computer hacker) says:
October 16, 2006 at 10:04 am
Eric.

I loved the article. It made me laugh a lot. You gave Ken Jennings a lot of props, which was great.

However, I guess I was expecting something similar in Ken Jennings's's's (not good with apostrophes's's) blog about you, and was disappointed to only see a few sentences about you. In fact, Matt, the unnamed computer hacker got even bigger cheers than you. And for all we know, Mr Computer Hacker has put all sorts of crap on Ken Jennings's' computer in an attempt to steal the knowledge of Ken Jennings. If I were Ken Jennings, I'd give Sir Computer Hacker at least 6 months before giving him too many props. You, Eric, deserved better.

That is all.
Lowdogg says:
October 16, 2006 at 10:45 am
Me gusto bastante. A strong effort. I put the book in my amazon cart. Do you still get credit if I put it in my cart but don't buy it that day?
BAC says:
October 16, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Years ago, I was caught in flagrante delicto with Alex Trebek in the mens room of a Chuck E. Cheese's in Pasadena. What, if any, implication does this have on my relationship with Ken Jennings?
AdamOndi says:
October 16, 2006 at 1:01 pm
I am deeply saddened that you would disparage Chevy's, especially in favor of Red Robin. Blech. The stuff they throw in the dumpster behind Chevy's would probably taste better than Red Robin. And you wouldn't have to beg the smarmy waiter for more of the "bottomless steak fries," either.
Alfred says:
October 16, 2006 at 1:04 pm
It is always a dificult conversation when you realize you have kissed the person you are speaking with.
barnda says:
October 16, 2006 at 4:56 pm
So apparently Ken doesn't hold grudges against people who make fun of his hair?

I found it ironic that you two met for dinner and esteem each other so highly because I visit each of your blogs on a semi-regular basis...when I need a good laugh. Keep it up. For free (I'm cheap).
Orson Scott Card says:
October 16, 2006 at 5:19 pm
Ken Jennings's Brainiac is really a fascinating book - and he's a terrific writer. I'm looking forward to many more books by him - on any subject he cares to write about, as long as I'm not in it as a question, answer, footnote, or index item. (Last time I was in a footnote, Michael Quinn was accusing me of horrible hate crimes or something like that.)

Matt's comment (#3) touches on a real problem in author tours. While touring, Ken Jennings met somewhere between 5,000 and 50,000 people, all of whom now have a personal and intimate relationship with him. Now, Jennings has a phenomenal memory, I think we can all agree, but how many of them do you think he remembers? How many do you think he remembered 14 seconds after he closed the book he signed for them?

So getting a few lines of mention in Ken's blog is a LOT. It means that he really is a rabid fan of whoever-the-heck-it-is-who-runs-this-website, because he remembered that dinner at all.

Um, just so you and Ken both know, the reason the signing at B&N in Sugarhouse sucked is that they simply are lousy at maintaining a good relationship with their community of readers in that particular store. Their idea of publicity for a signing is to put up a small sign somewhere in the store a couple of weeks before. If you want a good signing in Salt Lake, you go to Sam Weller's Zion Bookstore (please tell me it's still there) or the downtown Deseret Book (it won't be there after December when they tear down the mall to make another mall) or you go all the way down to Orem to the Barnes & Noble there OR - and this is the best advice of all - you go to BYU BOOKSTORE for a NOON SIGNING on a day when all the students are in town, in the three weeks before the Christmas break.

Tell you what, Eric. Let's you, me, and Ken do a joint signing there. Maybe we can all capitalize on his fame and sell some of our crap to the people waiting in his line.

- Scott
Orson Scott Card says:
October 16, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Oh, I see. My comment was submitted, but you don't trust us. You make us wait until you READ our comments and decide if we are worthy to post at your site. So now I have to sit here watching this page and periodically refreshing it to see if you have deemed me one of those who can post at your site, and frankly, if you don't accept my posts - or worse, refuse my previous one but print THIS pathetic, begging one - then I will realize that I am truly friendless in this world. I mean, after I wrote an absolutely glowing review of Ken Jennings's book only to have him IGNORE ME COMPLETELY while having a dinner with YOU, who have NEVER received a Hugo award, what will I have left to live for?
Eric D. Snider says:
October 16, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Shh. Don't worry your pretty, science-fictional head, Orson Scott Card. Comments only require approval if the name and/or e-mail address of the commentor has not been used before. Now that you've been approved, subsequent comments should go through immediately, provided you continue to use the same name and address. And also provided you don't use swear words.

I'm all for the Jennings/Card/Snider book-signing. It would be a Mormon nerd trifecta.
ruth says:
October 16, 2006 at 8:02 pm
Just read your "Snide Remarks". I think Alec was just getting bored of Ken being there. If your as cute as your comments send me an e-mail. I'm bored myself and full of snide remarks.
David Manning says:
October 16, 2006 at 9:10 pm
I just wanted to make one of the first 20 "Snide Remarks" comments ever on the site, so there.
Josh Freeman says:
October 16, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Although I haven't read Ken's book yet, I certainly appreciate his intellectal abilities. And I am an avid fan of both Eric D. Snider and Orson Scott Card (does that make me a model Mormon nerd?). And I also happen to be a BYU student. So that join book-signing seriously sounds like a great idea. I'd definitely be there.
Josh Freeman says:
October 16, 2006 at 9:35 pm
Oh, and I am a fan of the board game "Can You Beat Ken?" Has anyone else ever played it?
bCurt says:
October 16, 2006 at 10:29 pm
Oh, my! What have you done Eric? Now OSC knows he can post about anything he wants to!
Deirdre says:
October 17, 2006 at 2:12 am
I have never won a Hugo award, either, but I did get to carry one around for a couple of hours. It belonged to Carl Sagan, who didn't show up to accept it. I am a huge Eric D. Snider fan, and I have always liked Orson Scott Card, as well. Ken Jennings, eh. He is probably very nice, but I haven't watched Jeopardy for at least 10 years, because Alex Trebek seriously creeps me out.
Momma Snider says:
October 17, 2006 at 10:31 am
Deirdre, a whole lot of people didn't watch Jeopardy! until Ken Jennings. He's like a one-man antidote against the Alex Trebek creeps-effect.

I would totally drive clear to Provo to meet Ken Jennings and re-meet Orson Scott Card and give my darling son Eric a big hug. I love the BYU Bookstore, anyway. I think someone should set that up.
Suzanne says:
October 17, 2006 at 2:59 pm
I got so excited at the thought of a Card/Snider/Jennings book signing, I spilled my drink. You owe me a new keyboard, Orson Scott Card!

It's my dream to go on Jeopardy! some day. I'll have to get a copy of Ken Jennings' book and see if it helps. I'm in the pool until March, but I don't think they're going to call me, either.
Ian Cook says:
October 17, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Long live LDS nerds!!!!!
corned_beef says:
October 17, 2006 at 10:08 pm
The FAQ's on Ken's blog are pretty entertaining--I had no idea he was such a witty guy!
Ken Jennings says:
October 18, 2006 at 9:42 am
If Scott is still hitting refresh on this page (and who isn't?) I just wanted to thank him for that very flattering review of Brainiac he posted to Hatrack a few weeks back. It'll take some of the sting out of the snarky NY Times review set for next Sunday. And I am up for that BYU bookstore signing whenever he is.

But I insist that Eric be replaced in the trifecta lineup by "Matt," that guy from Portland who fixed my laptop. Matt was so dreamy. Sigh. I wonder what he's doing right now.
Momma Snider says:
October 18, 2006 at 11:51 am
Replace Eric? You're off my brownie list, Mr. Bright Guy.
Momma Snider says:
October 18, 2006 at 2:41 pm
I can't believe I just dissed Ken Jennings.
card says:
October 18, 2006 at 3:49 pm
Whoa. This site is almost getting too nerdy for me. I am just a wanna-be lds nerd. Eric, I love which lines you chose to bold.
Kay Rookhuyzen says:
October 19, 2006 at 11:07 am
Your columns are always funny but this was one for the books! I loved watching Ken on Jeopardy and I love reading anything you write. I had no idea Ken Jennings even wrote a book!
barnda says:
October 19, 2006 at 11:11 am
If the 3 of you are serious about the BYU bookstore signing thing and not just spoofin me, it might be arrangable. Not to brag or anything, but I have a few connections.
Matt (a different one than the previous two mentioned) says:
October 23, 2006 at 8:29 pm
I doubt OSC and Ken need "connections" to arrange a BYU bookstore signing other than a connection to the internet and/or telephone network to say "I'd like to do a signing, when's good for you?" to the appropriate people.
Mike Noron says:
October 26, 2006 at 11:46 am
So, I was in clinic a few weeks ago and it was a slow day and I got talking to one of the nurses and the conversation topic eventually migrated to religion. And she told me she's Presbyterian and asked if I'm religious. I told her, yes, I am Mormon.

"Oh, you're a Mormon?"

"Yep."

"Like Ken Jennings?"

"Umm...yes, ma'am. Just like Ken Jennings."
Jack Mayhoffer says:
October 28, 2006 at 9:36 pm
I was disappointed in this column, and you've really slipped since the old days.

Hey, you're right! That was much easier than sending an e-mail!
Reeder says:
January 13, 2007 at 4:34 pm
RE: Ken Jennings' blog entry today: "I used to do the New York Times crossword every day in college, since it was the only readable part of BYUâ€™s student paper, The Daily Universe." http://ken-jennings.com/blog/?p=312

Looks like, despite referring to you in the past as "beloved Provo humorist of my BYU days," Ken's already forgotten about you, Eric.

Maybe that's why the triple-book-signing never happened.
Melissa says:
February 13, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Oh, Chevy's.....one of the mysteriously successful restaurant chains where you need to drink to the point of passing out before the food tastes any good. Mexican people probably go to Chevy's and think, "Is this what they thought our food should taste like? Did we do something wrong? Are we being punished?"
Auntie Karen says:
February 18, 2007 at 5:54 pm
My daughter-in-law April used to be a server at Chevy's when she & Steve lived in Provo. She's not one bit smarmy. I didn't care much for their food, but LOVED our server.
That Mormon Nerd Trifecta book-signing has just got to happen. If it would come about in late June or July sometime, I would even try to make the trip from SoCal. It's a mere 12 hours drive, and maybe Momma Snider would be up for another Thelma-and-Louise Road Trip.

After all, I [i]did [/i] save Ken Jennings from the risk of Eric asking him to co-sign a car loan for him.
I got myself [i]Brainiac [/i] for my birthday, and it is one of the most enjoyable books I've ever read. I love witty, trivia-obsessed, self-deprecating people. I wish I had one of my very own besides my own offspring.

Just a thought: maybe the food at Chevy's tastes better if you call it "Cheby's"...?
J willy says:
March 5, 2007 at 1:45 pm
In the last paragraph, I misread the "nor could we move on to the second phase..." as "nor could we move on to second base..."
LeIsle Jacobson says:
December 23, 2007 at 8:28 am
The Internet is so marvelous. I started out looking for a bit of clip art (I need a clip art shot of Bethlehem for a Sunday School Bulletin!) -- wandered into a youtube.com video featuring your song about Ken Jennings and ended up here. (30 minutes later) I've favorite placed the site now and I shall return!

But I'm rather peeved that you recommended "Monkeys and Pirates Are Funny" in your comments, then did not have it available for purchase. Don't you know some of us are desperate for Christmas gifts ideas? How could you raise my hopes to such heights, if only to dash them to the earth with such malicious lack of inventory control? Arrrrgh!

Fine, it's now up to you to tell me what to get for someone who would have loved, and I do mean LOVED a CD with the title, "Monkeys and Pirates Are Funny."

I guess I'll just go buy him Ken Jennings "Brainiac" book instead. But you better have more copies of that CD up by June -- I've got a Birthday to think about as well.
Reeder says:
March 8, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Look at that--my making a YouTube video might have made Eric money, if there had been money that could have been made.

Maybe that'll help begin to make up for Eric's letting me win the first and only Snide Remarks trivia contest back in 1999.

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Eric D. Snider