Olympics Report: Canadian Beggin'
Snide Remarks #256
"Olympics Report: Canadian Beggin'"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on February 14, 2002
That's it! I'm moving to Russia! Because apparently, that's where the world's best figure skaters are (hardy-har-har), and I don't want to live on a continent that doesn't have the best figure skaters!
The Canadians were robbed -- of the gold, of their dignity, of several pounds of back bacon -- by communist Nazi fascist judges who were prejudiced against them! If I were Canadian, I would be so outraged, I would drive to the prime minister's shack right now, not caring how many moose or penguins I hit along the way, and demand that he (or she) take immediate action against the Olympic judges!
OK. I am calm now. It's just, I get so worked up when it comes to figure skating. After all, it's the sport of kings, if your kings are lithe young men and women flinging each other around an ice rink. Figure skating has a long, noble tradition in the Olympics, and how dare the judges go against that tradition by letting the Russians win!
OK, now I've just been informed the Russians ALWAYS win, so it actually was in keeping with tradition that they won this time. But still! I'm angry! In fact, I'm so angry, I'm bangry and fangry! (That's where you bang stuff around and your fangs are showing.) This is the greatest miscarriage of justice ever to occur in the history of mankind, and a tragedy like none the world has ever seen.
As you know if you watched Monday's competition, the Russian pairs team, consisting of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze, won the gold medal, despite the fact that when they did their routine, not only did they fall down a lot, but Berezhnaya was drunk and Sikharulidze wasn't even wearing pants.
The Canadian team, meanwhile, comprising Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, performed a flawless routine that culminated in Pelletier putting both legs behind his head, and Sale turning herself inside-out. And for that the judges rewarded them with a shameful, shameful silver medal.
I fear this may be the last snub the proud Canadian people are able to take. For too long they have withstood our ridicule, the sub-freezing summer weather, the daily polar bear rampages in their town squares, currency cut out of comic books, and a now-epidemic level of French influence. I fear the Olympic judges have roused a sleeping giant. It is well-known that Canada has stockpiled nuclear weapons in the completely uninhabited territory of Saskatchewan for decades, and this latest insult may be the last straw. I urge President Bush -- either the one we have now, or the old one -- to take action immediately to prevent war. May heaven have mercy on us all.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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