Olympics Report: Women's Hockey Is Finnished
Snide Remarks #255
"Olympics Report: Women's Hockey Is Finnished"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Herald on February 13, 2002
So women are playing hockey now, apparently. I know because I watched them do it at The Peaks on Tuesday. What will come next in the women's movement? Why, soon they'll be voting!
I had no idea what to expect from a women's hockey game. Would there be hair-pulling slap-fights? Instead of going to the penalty box, would the players sit in the powder room and sulk? Would the ladies refuse to knock the puck into the net until someone put the seat down? How many gender-based stereotypes could I think of before the game started?
There was also the matter of which team to root for. I've never been to China or Finland, so I had no pre-existing favorite. I figured the Finnish women would be of Viking stock, with the horns and yellow braids and everything, and that sounded promising. But of course the Chinese gals might be able to fly, like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," and that would surely be an asset.
I settled on Finland, because I know people who have been there and they say it's nice. Also, there was a Finnish family sitting next to me, and they were very adamant about the superiority of their nation's team. I feared for my safety if I cheered for China.
The near-capacity crowd at The Peaks was in high spirits, having enjoyed a boisterous round of strip-searches and background checks. Every patron seemed to have chosen a team to root for, probably for reasons as arbitrary as mine. We were, as the kids say, pumped.
And the game began! I was impressed with how quickly I got bored. In all the excitement of going to the Olympics and being part of a historical event and being proud of my adopted homeland of Utah, I had forgotten I don't like hockey. I appreciate the level of skill required to skate and not fall down, and how it takes a lot of physical stamina to play an entire game without throwing up. It's just not a sport that interests me.
Surely there are others in my shoes, getting all giddy about the Olympics and buying tickets they don't actually want. It's a shame organizers don't take stronger measures to prevent that. There should be a sign at SmithTix that says, "Please note: You don't like hockey."
Turns out the Fins slaughtered the Chinese, 4-0. (I knew my gals would pull through! Fin-LAND! Fin-LAND! Fin-LAND!) And in a stroke of good fortune, the entire game was played without anyone breaking a nail. As the women's hockey team of Finland would say, "NÃƒÂ¤yttÃƒÂ¤ÃƒÂ¤kÃƒÂ¶ minun takapuoli iso nÃƒÂ¤issÃƒÂ¤ housuissa?" ("Does my butt look big in these pants?")
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
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