Rooster's Millions
Cockfighting is one of mankind's most vicious and inhumane practices, up there with bear-baiting and karaoke. It's a nasty, hideous thing that's thousands of years old and has usually dwelt on the fringes of society, rarely tolerated by the mainstream. It's like Joan Rivers, only quieter.
As with many horrible things, I'm intrigued by the thought process that must have led to cockfighting.
"Hey, it would be a lot of fun if we watched two roosters fight each other!" said one man.
"Granted," said another, "but what if their beaks and talons prove insufficient to satisfy the bloodlust of the spectators?"
"Then we shall fasten razors to their legs!" said the first.
"Huzzah!" cried the second. "Each thrust of the gamecock's be-razored leg will inflict serious injury on his opponent!"
"It shall be so!" agreed the first. Then the two men stomped on a lamb's head and pushed a dog into a fire.
Or at least this is how I imagine it. Unfortunately, the sport's history has not been chronicled very thoroughly, which is a shame, not to mention a wasted opportunity. Who wouldn't watch a six-hour Ken Burns PBS documentary called "Cockfighting: Murder Most Fowl"?
The reason I bring it up is that now, suddenly, the roosters are turning on their masters! They are as mad as BA-CAW and they're not going to take it anymore. In January, a fighting rooster in India slashed its owner's throat, killing the man, and a guy in California died last month after his gamecock stabbed him in the leg. That second man's friends probably thought he'd reached his lowest point when he took up cockfighting, but they had to reevaluate when they heard he'd died from being cut on the leg by a chicken.
It is hard to muster much sympathy for a man who is killed by an animal that wasn't dangerous until he gave it weapons. That is the origin of the familiar expression, "If you don't want your rooster to murder you, don't tie a knife to its foot, stupid." You'd think people would have learned, from the numerous movies in which villains are destroyed by their own abominable creations, that creating something abominable nearly always ends with you being destroyed. Yet these idiots, these professional cockfight organizers, didn't see it coming. You might say they got a pullet surprise!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you wouldn't say that because pullets are females.
News stories about the California incident don't mention what became of the vigilante rooster, while the report on the one in India specifically says that authorities weren't able to find the throat-slashing cockerel. According to the Daily Mail newspaper, "Villagers in Mohanpur, West Bengal, were warned not to approach what police described as 'an unknown rooster with black and red feathers.'" I like to think both roosters now roam their respective countrysides as fugitives, protecting the defenseless, solving mysteries, and impregnating hens. That's what I would do.
PETA (People for the Ethical Marinating of Steak) is opposed to cockfighting, obviously. It's one of the few subjects on which PETA and sane people agree, proving the old adage that even a stopped clock is right twice a day (specifically, at a quarter past no-cockfighting). PETA seemed reasonable for a few minutes in February, too, when the organization offered to help preserve a historical landmark. Naturally, this turned out to be a characteristically tacky attempt by PETA to assert its primary agenda, which is to remind everyone that the people at PETA are crazy (possibly due to malnutrition).
The landmark is Baltimore's Edgar Allan Poe House and Museum, which is in danger of being closed because they found some old dude's bones under the floor. No, I'm kidding, it's just budget cuts. The buried corpses are actually considered charming. PETA offered to donate a portion of the museum's $80,000 operating budget, and all the group wanted in exchange for its generosity was to transform the museum into an advertisement for PETA, which seems fair.
PETA wanted to prominently display a poster encouraging people not to eat, wear, or smoke animals. The poster has a drawing of a man clutching his chest, accompanied by these words: "The Tell-Tale Heart of a Meat-Eater. Don't Be Haunted by Bad Health: Go Vegan." This is in reference to the well-established medical fact that 100 percent of meat-eaters have unhealthy hearts, while 100 percent of vegans live forever and make potpourri-scented poops. (Don't look at me. That's SCIENCE.) The committee that runs the museum declined PETA's offer of vegan propaganda, however, because they don't allow advertisements. In response, PETA angrily slaughtered one thousand ravens.
How does PETA have enough cash lying around to make philanthropic contributions anyway? I can't imagine that being a humorless scold is very lucrative (correct me if I'm wrong, Keith Olbermann). I bet PETA gets its money from when eccentric old ladies leave their fortunes to their cats, and then the cats die too, before they get a chance to spend it. And speaking of fundraising, I have an idea for how the people at the Poe museum can make some cash. First, you need a rooster....
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
This item has 58 comments
March 7, 2011 at 9:21 am
Welcome back Snide Remarks!
March 7, 2011 at 9:35 am
Ah, PETA-bashing right out of the gate. It's just like old times.
How has nobody ever made a movie about a vigilante gamecock meting out vigilante justice?
March 7, 2011 at 10:22 am
YAY!
March 7, 2011 at 10:55 am
Welcome back! We've missed you.
March 7, 2011 at 11:01 am
Worth every penny. Who cares if I could not afford to feed my dogs last month.
March 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Hooray for Snide Remarks! (and also armed poultry!)
March 7, 2011 at 12:34 pm
PETA and Olbermann. I feel like he threw me a bone today.
Nice work.
March 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Yehaa! Welcome back!
Having seen cockfighting roosters in the Phillippines (but not actual fights), they are surpringly dangerous looking even without their knives (and can actually be quite beautiful, which is not how I would normally describe a chicken).
March 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Wow, if I had known we were going to start things off with a PETA column I probably would have donated more/sooner to the campaign. T'was money well spent.
March 7, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Money well spent.
March 7, 2011 at 1:26 pm
I enjoyed it so much that it makes me sad I didn't donate. Oh well, nothing can be done about that now. NOTHING.
March 7, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Murder most fowl. :) Welcome back, and thanks for the chuckles on my 40th birthday!
March 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm
When I nearly choke from laughing, I take that as absolute proof of comic genius.
So what if it frightens my children? :P
Well done, indeed. ^_^
March 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm
I join the ranks of thousands who are happy to have Snide Remarks back! And who think cockfighting is stupid and inhumane. Ditto bullfighting, dogfighting, and boxing, although at least there the participants are making a conscious choice.
March 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm
All hail the return of Snide Remarks!
March 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm
Actually, Keith O. is quite funny when he wants to be. :)
March 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Love the idea of a movie. Here is a chicken in training: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Scd0rNt-s
March 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm
You forgot to mention the proliferation of professional poultry pugilists. Oh...and a most appreciative welcome back!
March 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Welcome back! Now you just need to bring back the Comments and Reactions section, and our long national nightmare will officially be over.
March 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Yea, Snide Remarks! Go, Roosters!!
March 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm
The Olbermann call-out is brilliant.
March 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I have another idea you might try...
March 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm
"Each thrust of the gamecock's be-razored leg..." Hee hee hee. Glad Snide Remarks is back.
March 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm
Looks like we have the plot for Chicken Run 2 ready to go.
March 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm
To be whole again! It is only fitting that Eric's triumphant return matches him with his greatest nemesis. FYI, the last line from this could be one of my favorite Snide Remarks quips of all time.
March 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm
I am right on track to making my $1 contribution break even.
March 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Momma Snider, regarding the conscious choice made by humans that box: that may be true at first, but the longer they participate, the less they are capable of doing anything in anything resembling a conscious state. I offer as evidence Mike Tyson...
March 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Hooray! Snide Remarks makes a triumphant return.
March 7, 2011 at 4:05 pm
I have been an avid user and consumer of the English language for several decades now, and never until today did I ever come across these three words in this particular order: potpourri-scented poops. Snidely, you are one of the funniest people on this planet. Congrats on a first-class return! And the next time I deal with offal of my own manufacture, I am certain I will pause to consider if it is potpourri-scented.
March 7, 2011 at 4:15 pm
In honor of the return of Eric's "snide" "remarks", I'm going to eat, wear, and smoke animals all week long.
March 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm
I love that the headline for the newspaper article you linked to said that the rooster killed his owner "for being asked to fight once too often."
I'm imagining a dimly lit interrogation room, the detective taking a long sip from his styrofoam cup before fixing a hard glare on the rooster. "Why?" he demands, "Why did you do it?"
And slowly, just like the shell from which he hatched, the rooster cracks . . .
March 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Hooray!! I don't know what I've missed more, Snide Remarks or all the comments. Welcome back!!
March 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Huzzah!! Thank you Eric, thank you! I have a reason to believe in Mondays again! I was soooo hoping your first Snide Remark would slam PETA too. You did not disappoint...
March 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm
As everyone has said, it is so nice to have Snide Remarks back and in such a classic form. I mean, 90% of the old columns had PETA jokes somewhere. It's like the blanket on your parents bed that you got to use when you felt sick - warm, comfortable, and kind of odd-smelling.
March 7, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I've missed Snide Remarks. Thank you so much for bringing it back.
March 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Welcome back!
I'm stunned that nobody mentioned the horrible yet terrific pun in "You might say they got a pullet surprise!!!!!" Made me chortle.
Also, there is a PETA ad showing up to the right of your article as I am viewing this, which is hilarious.
Three cheers for the return of Snide Remarks!!! Huzzah! Huzzah!! Huzzah!!!
March 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm
"Pullet surprise"--boy, I can't wait to find an oppotunity to use that one and claim then it as my own!
March 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Hooray for Snide Remarks!
Without you to temper them, I feel like PETA has been strutting around like they owned the place.
Welcome back!
March 7, 2011 at 9:20 pm
FUNNYOMG. But in all seriousness, cockfighting is a repugnant practice which often plagues areas of the under-educated and socio-economically disadvantaged. Which is why in my community we prefer robot butler fighting.
March 7, 2011 at 11:08 pm
Welcome Back.... Well worth the wait. Murder Most Fowl. Loved it.
Ya know, those mean roosters fight naturally. They're all walking around the barnyard strutting their stuff. Have you seen them strut?!? That's a sight to behold.
March 8, 2011 at 12:35 am
I turned my mom on to your column a while back w/ Wii are Family, and she's been hooked ever since. Thought you should know that she was so excited to have you back that she emailed everyone in the family a link to your latest Snide Remark AND called to be sure I'd seen said email. Great Grandma, Nana and I (and I'm sure many others in the fam.) want to thank you for bringin' it!
March 8, 2011 at 1:20 am
Great return remarks. I didn't notice the title until I finished and was dying for about 2 minutes more. Bad movie title puns are a definite win everytime.
March 8, 2011 at 6:37 am
I have to admit I couldn't figure out the "pullet surprise" joke until I listened to Eric say it out loud on the audio version. On the other hand, the Joan Rivers joke works better in the text version, where we can go back and re-read the previous sentence and nod, "Yep, that's Joan, all right." Moral: enjoy Snide Remarks both ways.
March 8, 2011 at 10:53 am
love it. 6 hour documentary? love it! Keith Oberman...fabulous!
Welcome back snide remarks!
March 8, 2011 at 11:25 am
This article needs the Maddox picture with the caption, "For every animal you don't eat, I'll eat three."
March 8, 2011 at 11:30 am
Hooray for the revival of Snide Remarks! Many happy returns.
March 8, 2011 at 11:45 am
Wellcome back!
I wonder how many other historic sites could be pimped out? And for what?
March 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm
I, for one, welcome our new cutlery-wielding fowl overlords
March 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I have buyer's remorse
March 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Eric, I have missed you! Glad to see you're back--and right on!!!
March 8, 2011 at 9:47 pm
You.Are.Freaking.HILARIOUS.!.!.!.
March 8, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Hooray!! Yay!!
This is hilarious. And I must admit I still don't get the "pullet surprise" joke. What am I missing?
March 9, 2011 at 10:49 am
Katie: Pulitzer Prize.
March 10, 2011 at 2:40 am
At long, long last...and there was much rejoicing!
March 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Also cheering at the return of Snide Remarks!
March 11, 2011 at 10:36 am
Love love love it! Haven't laughed like that at work since, well, the last Snide Remarks.
March 12, 2011 at 3:59 am
Eric is back on top of his game!! Snide remarks hasn't been this funny since the Food For Less column!
March 24, 2011 at 12:56 am
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Awesome! Eric, you are by far the funniest commie since Leon Trotsky. I have a suggestion. We arm Keith Olberman, the head of PETA, and your mom's idiot chihuahua with chainsaws and have them fight to the death in an irrigation ditch. Now that would be entertainment. (Sorry, Mama Snider). What's really funny is that Andy the chihuahua would probably prevail as he would be the most intelligent creature involved.