Send in the Clowns ... TO HELL!

Snide Remarks #536

"Send in the Clowns ... TO HELL!"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on April 2, 2007

What's new in the world of clowns? Two are dead and one had his stupid tiny bicycle stolen, that's what!

I'm sure you'll agree that circus clowns are ghastly, nightmarish beings whose unfunny mirth destroys all the happiness it comes in contact with. Ironically, the only time they are ever funny is when they don't intend to be -- when a car full of them overturns on the highway, for example, and 30 sad-faced harlequins come crawling out, bleeding and wounded, their red noses honking as they collapse face-down on the pavement. Or when someone bursts into a Colombian circus and shoots two of them.

That's what happened in February in the town of Cucuta, Colombia. The Circo del Sol de Cali (rough translation: "Circus of Clown Slaughter") was performing to a crowd of a few dozen people when a gunman barged into the place, opened fire, and killed two clowns. Other clowns shot back, but their guns only spat out little signs that said "BANG!" when they fired them.

Ordinarily, I would not make jokes about someone's death unless the death occurred in a particular amusing manner or unless the person was a heinous villain. (Ann Coulter, I am looking at you, albeit through protective goggles.) What makes the story of the two dead Colombian clowns funny is what local police chief Jose Humberto Henao told the press afterward:

"The killings had nothing to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident," he said.

In other words: "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking someone hated the clowns' soul-sucking, joyless merriment SO MUCH that he shot them. But for real, it had nothing to do with that. I SWEAR."

Artist's rendering of a typical, everyday circus clown, just before it feasts upon the blood of the living.

The police chief was well aware of people's attitudes toward clowns, and he wanted to nip that theory in the bud. But I call bullcrap. I say the gunman had simply had enough of their clownery and put a stop to it with a little old-fashioned Colombian justice. He had the guts to do what the rest of us only fantasize about. I want to buy that man a drink, and tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

(Some news articles about the killings mention that another clown was shot and killed in Cucuta last year, too. As much as I would like to believe that someone is systematically killing all of the world's clowns, I suspect the truth is much more mundane: It's Colombia, and people get shot all the time.)

The other recent item in clown news does not, sadly, involve any clown murders. But the good news is that there was one less stupid tiny bicycle being ridden this weekend, after a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus clown had his bike stolen in New York City.

According to the Associated Press, the circus was at Madison Square Garden on Friday when, before the show, Bello the clown was out walking the streets with some of his clown brethren. Then they ran into a gang of mimes, and "West Side Story" broke out!

No, just kidding. That would be awesome, though. ("When you're a mime, you're a mime all the way, from your first guy-in-a-glass-box to your last man-climbing-up-a-rope!") What happened was that Bello and his buddies paused to do a little impromptu show on the street, just to annoy passersby. He had to set down his miniature bicycle in the process, and then he forgot it. When he realized he didn't have it with him, he hurried back to the scene, but of course it was gone. You couldn't leave a paper bag full of snot on a Manhattan sidewalk for 30 seconds without someone stealing it.

The AP article is disappointingly short on details of the incident. For example, when Bello and his comrades burst into their spontaneous street performance, were they already in full clown regalia? Do they look like that all the time, like Krusty the Clown? Or were they in street clothes? Which is sadder: clowns who walk around in full costume and makeup even when they're not doing a show, or normal-looking people who suddenly start engaging in acts of clownery on city sidewalks?

Bello was heartbroken over his loss. The stupid tiny bicycle was built in Mexico City 12 years ago and was one-of-a-kind. (Except for all the other stupid tiny bicycles that clowns ride in circuses.) He loved that bike. Not enough to, you know, not leave it sitting unattended on a busy New York City sidewalk, but still. The circus offered a $1,000 reward for the bike's safe return, and Bello was optimistic.

"I don't believe anybody stole the bike," he said at a news conference -- and yes, a news conference was held to report the loss of the bike. "I think someone took it so they could return it to me."

The sad postscript to this story is that, as lame as Bello's optimism was, it turns out someone really DID find the bike and really DID return it to him. He was reunited with it on Sunday, two days after losing it. That means he had to do Friday and Saturday's circuses bike-less. I wonder what that was like for him. How nerve-racking, to have to go on without your favorite prop. He might have had to resort to doing comedy.

Notes:

When I read the news story about the clown murders, I hung onto it, figuring it would come in handy sooner or later. It's sad when people get killed, of course, but ... well ... we didn't know them, and they lived far away.

The Associated Press article about Bello's lost bike mentions that Time magazine once named him "America's Best Clown." That is one of the more dubious honors I've ever heard. It's like being named "World's Cruelest Tyrant" or "Most Efficient Burglar."

I was surprised to learn, in the course of writing this column, that "clownery" is an actual word. I thought I had made it up, back when I wrote about the circus exactly six months earlier.

This item has 45 comments

Lane says:
April 2, 2007 at 2:24 am
Fun article. The mental image I got when I read the part about all the nose honks as the clowns fall on their faces will be funny for the rest of my life.
Randy Tayler says:
April 2, 2007 at 8:58 am
You got me thinking of other dubious honors:

Most Punctual Executioner

World's Greatest Girth

Most Sane Ex

France's Greatest Patriot

Doctor of Jurisprudence
Randy Tayler says:
April 2, 2007 at 9:18 am
I just reread my comment. I don't think those are very funny, and I feel guilty for posting. Geez, a fat joke, a France joke, AND a lawyer joke? I'm gonna leave the funny to the professionals.

I should hasten to add, however, that obese French lawyers do seem like the kind of people that would be easy to laugh at.
Dave says:
April 2, 2007 at 9:57 am
Is is just me, or does this column seem a lot darker than previous ones? Still funny, of course, but there's definetely an edge to it. Is Eric just having a bad day and felt like venting a bit, or what?
Eric Herman says:
April 2, 2007 at 10:00 am
>>The Circo del Sol de Cali (rough translation: "Circus of Clown Slaughter") was performing to a crowd of a few dozen people when a gunman barged into the place, opened fire, and killed two clowns. Other clowns shot back, but their guns only spat out little signs that said "BANG!" when they fired them.

Terribly cruel. :o)
Lippi says:
April 2, 2007 at 11:26 am
Was the gunman exonerated? After all there are two less terrorist in the world.

Can't wait to see who gets their panties in a bunch over this one.
Sharell says:
April 2, 2007 at 11:37 am
I laughed at the article and almost had a heart attack when I saw the picture. It's not nice to spring scary clown pictures on people. Give a person some warning, would you?
Sharell says:
April 2, 2007 at 11:39 am
Oh. Should have read the blog first.
Lowdogg says:
April 2, 2007 at 12:25 pm
I love that Eric selected that picture. It's from Stephen King's IT, at least the TV version where Tim Curry played the evil clown. The first half of that wasn't bad at all, but the second part almost defines lame.
HoosierDaddy says:
April 2, 2007 at 2:25 pm
The hypothetical images of dying clowns and retaliatory clown gunfire were funny, but overall I thought making fun of actual deaths in bad taste. Even if the murdered were clowns engaging in acts of clownery at the time, they were still people. Come on, Eric.
whea-wix says:
April 2, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Yeah, Eric. How dare you make fun of stuff in a humor article. Next, you'll probably try to critique movies and point out the bad stuff in 'em.
Jeff says:
April 2, 2007 at 3:35 pm
This seems appropriate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5s4tmA-8-A
Karen Stout says:
April 2, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Clowns used to be funny and benign figures intended to make children and adults laugh, until Stephen King poisoned the entire genre with "IT." Now everyone I know under the age of 35 or so associates clowns with horrible, scary, nightmarish and decidedly unfunny motives.
I mostly just thought they were kinda dumb, but my childhood does contain the fond memory of one local TV personality who hosted an afternoon cartoon show and had a loyal following of all ages. He WAS funny, and a great humanitarian also. He appeared in public as "Flippo the Clown" but his real name was Bob Marvin. He died not long ago, and there was a huge memorial service. Flippo was cool. I'm sorry you all had to have your clown experiences tainted so negatively.

Randy, you're due for an Upswing, ain'tcha? ;-)

("HoosierDaddy" is a fine, fine name, and the guy is articulate too!! Post more, please!)
Andrew D says:
April 2, 2007 at 4:13 pm
If you thought this was in poor taste, I recommend that you not read the Ann Landers column and remember that Eric now writes these for free. *squee!*
whome says:
April 2, 2007 at 4:19 pm
11, of course Eric can make fun of what he wants, and those who read his posts like his humor, (or perhaps some like to hate his humor), but post 10 has a point. Some humor is considered a bit in bad taste. If Eric posts too much humor that is considered in bad taste, he's going to lose a certain portion of his audience. It's possible that he'd gain a different audience with a different demographic, but would he want to? And anyway, that audience has lots of other venues for crude and vile humor, already.

It's fun to make fun of clowns and (especially) mimes, but this article may have some ideas in bad taste. I still think that the fact that the officer felt he had to explain that they weren't shot because of their routine was very funny.
Bickmo says:
April 2, 2007 at 4:23 pm
That title made a laugh burst from my mouth unbeckoned, spittle and all. Best title I've read in a while.
Brandon says:
April 2, 2007 at 4:45 pm
I've noticed that, at least to Eric, it is impossible to be truly offensive as long as what you say or write is intended to be humorous.
Laura says:
April 2, 2007 at 5:20 pm
I keep up with your snide remarks but have never really felt compelled to comment until now. You made me laugh and feel guilty for laughing. And that's awesome. I must be in the different demographic that likes crude and vile humor, haha, because I thoroughly enjoyed this. :) I'd like to think the clowns, whose lives are devoted to making people laugh, would appreciate it too.

--laura (efilmcritic laura!)
kevith says:
April 2, 2007 at 5:56 pm
I thoroughly enjoyed this column. The truth of the matter is that Eric doesn't really offend anybody. People choose to be offended by what they read. I enjoy humor that is sometimes awkard, uncomfortable, and potentially offensive to some. I think it made me enjoy this column even more knowing that someone was sure to take offense.

Also, I am wearing a shirt at this moment that says "Hoosier Daddy" on it. Just one more reminder of my time spent in grad school in Indiana....
Cameron says:
April 2, 2007 at 6:41 pm
unbeckoned spittle = ewww.
Deirdre says:
April 2, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Best. Snide. Remarks. Ever.

And BTW, Stephen King didn't invent the idea of creepy, evil clowns. He merely tapped into the primal revulsion for the things that most people felt anyway. If people had really thought that clowns were harmless and funny, "It" wouldn't have resonated the way it did, nor would it have been a huge success.
Amy says:
April 2, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I love Eric's humor and laughed at a good portion of this article. It was very well written, as usual. Still, this one made me uncomfortable with the way these two people's deaths were referenced. To me, there are just certain subjects that are too weighty to poke fun at - the sanctity of life is one of them.
Matt says:
April 2, 2007 at 9:13 pm
If I were a clown and I had dedicated myself to making people laugh and smile, I would be delighted to have my demise portrayed as Eric has done here.
Neo says:
April 2, 2007 at 9:21 pm
So Deirdre, are you a new Eric Snider fan? I'm all for hyperbole, but you know there are 535 other columns.
Kaydria says:
April 3, 2007 at 1:13 am
High five for that hilarious West Side Story reference.
HoosierDaddy says:
April 3, 2007 at 9:30 am
I like Eric and think he's quite funny. I think one part of this article is in poor taste. I'm pretty sure Eric appreciates some thoughtful negative feedback as well as all of the positive stuff. There's a lot of positive stuff here already, and I thought some dissent was necessary.

I guess I'm going to have to explain this.

I like the Ann Landers column because it's obviously a farce, and a good one. It wouldn't have been funny if Eric had said something like: wasn't it funny the way that old lady struggled for her last breath as her eyes glazed over. He was saying: wouldn't it have been funny if she died dispensing advice to the very end while simultaneosly taking inventory of her life and regrets. First scenario, kind of creepy; second scenario, funny, if done right, and Eric did it right, in my opinion.

In this column the reference is clearly about the actual murders of two clowns. There are funny parts, but those parts are completely outside the realm of reality in this instance (honking noses and flag-shooting guns). But when justifying the murders with a sentiment like - they were asking for it because, after all, they were clowns . . . well, I think that is in poor taste and not funny.

Matt, you make a good point in #23. Wonder what their families would think, though. I'm sure some would see the humor, but maybe others wouldn't.

Maybe I've just been surrounded too much by death lately.
whome says:
April 3, 2007 at 12:06 pm
It's terribly ironic that as soon as someone states anything about bad taste, you get a whole host of people who get all offended and write about how others shouldn't take offence.
whome says:
April 3, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Pleas Exkuse my misspallings.
Karen Stout says:
April 3, 2007 at 12:30 pm
HoosierDaddy, I think I can understand how you feel a little better, after you made the comment "Maybe I've just been surrounded too much by death lately."
When you've recently experienced the death of a loved one, it seems like almost every reference to death, even innocuous, stings on a little deeper level than before.

Three years ago, after my dad died of lung cancer--he had promptly quit in 1963, almost as soon as the dangers of cigarette smoking first became publicly known--I couldn't even hear someone innocuously joke about cancer, or smoking, or death without feeling like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I just couldn't find the funny, when I was in such a raw state emotionally. It took some time for me to regain my perspective.
I don't think the families of anyone who is murdered would appreciate jokes about the victims deserving to die, for any reason. But maybe the fact that clowns, by virtue of their being clowns, put on costumes, transform their faces behind makeup, adopt alternate identities and are no longer recognizable as Uncle Kevin or Patsy Fairchild from two doors down, seem like they are NOT actually real people, with families and friends who know them and love them. They're safe targets, I mean, because they don't seem real.

I dunno.

Anyhow, I just re-read the "Ann Landers' Final Column" again, and it was even funnier to me than when it was first published.

Dang, I tend to ramble. Can't wait to see what I'm like when I get REALLY old. Ugh.
Karen Stout says:
April 3, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Gah. No "Edit" feature. Just re-write that "by virtue of..." mess in your head any way you like. Sorry.
Queen of Everything says:
April 3, 2007 at 4:19 pm
laugh out soft...clownnoses honking after a faceplant after a freeway crash...were they all piled in a yugo? my condolences to the families of the killed clowns/real people, but heavens! I never needed to see IT to be terrified of them! what about that sick and twisted clown that went through children's hospitals and pretended to be cheering sick children but he was killing them?! like, murdering them?! and not because he was unfunny or anything, because i actually HAVE seen funny clowns. a dying breed, i must say, and because the police had to clarify that it wasn't the act that made the man go insane and start shooting them. perhaps it's the fact that they DO paint their faces and seem so innocent that people are afraid.

the bike story is stupid. i'm glad his property was returned, but come on! press conferences for a stolen bike in new york. a MINI bike, no less! please. at least talk about, oh I don't know, perhaps the invisible children of Uganda or the war or take extensive footage of some anchorwoman's toenail. or else put manson up for parole again and do more interviews.

i'm a gangsta, woman!

put a clown nose on THAT. (now my condolences to the Tate and LaBianca families and anyone else involved in that whole mess)
Sara says:
April 3, 2007 at 7:48 pm
number 12, I loved that episode!!! I enjoy eric too, of course, - why else would I visit this site - but simpsons did way better with this topic I'm afraid!
Jeannie Mildon says:
April 4, 2007 at 9:48 am
Homey don't play that!
momma snider says:
April 4, 2007 at 12:23 pm
It's sad that clowns aren't funny to most people any more. Did anyone see the episode of Supernatural where a clown would knock on the door in the middle of the night, and the little kid would let him in because ha ha, he's a clown, and he'd kill the parents? SO unrealistic! Today's kids would run screaming if they found a clown at the door, because clowns aren't funny, they're scary!

And don't even get me started on midgets!
Jason Leslie Wright says:
April 4, 2007 at 4:19 pm
All that I can say is that the SnideCast mp3 player at the top of the column is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen.
Da Brizzi says:
April 4, 2007 at 5:04 pm
I agree with J.L.W. in #35. I love it! Now Eric has to go back and AudioBook everything he has ever written so I can listen at work and not get pinched reading rhe articles.

Almost as cool as the SnideCast MP3 player at the top is the ever-so-miniscule link to Jeff J. Snider's website at the bottom. Quite the opposite of a shameless plug!
Talm says:
April 5, 2007 at 6:48 am
I don't know if I have the stomach for more columns like these last two.
Jason Leslie Wright says:
April 5, 2007 at 4:24 pm
My comment was a shameless plug as well.
depchegirl says:
April 6, 2007 at 2:00 am
That picture you posted gave me nightmares. It reminds me of Bart Simpson's Crusty the Clown Bed. "Can't sleep... clowns will eat me" etc. Funny article.
David Manning says:
April 22, 2007 at 8:47 pm
I never understood what makes people afraid of clowns. They're the anti-scariest things I can think of right now! ...Granted, that's not saying much, but clowns are meant to be funny, to amuse people, to make children happy. Even if an overwhelming majority of them suck at that, how are they scary, then? Are people afraid of bright colors? Are people afraid of shallow gags and cheeriness? I'm just one person with one opinion, but I'd still like to see why most people seem to have a naturally occurring (almost *instinctive*) phobia of something as harmless as a buffoon.

I miss: the vaudeville clown. You know, the kind that wore floppy shoes and a dopey voice, but that went on to make witty observations and humorous remarks, sometimes while smoking a cigar? ...No? Well, either way, those were the only kind of clowns I actually liked.
daisy says:
September 9, 2007 at 12:51 pm
it is scary in the movie in real life i don't know if he is real,or is he

no one will never know.for one reason i was scared when i saw the movie it anybody els was scared of that movie when they saw it?
bre and april says:
October 5, 2007 at 7:59 am
this is lame clowns are just ppl with alot of makeup on trust me i know my third hour teacher look the same way as that picture when she gets pissed off
Jon says:
October 7, 2007 at 12:33 pm
That clown too scary, don't like scary clown he scare me badly, you should throw scary clown picture away!
weirdoo lmao !!!!!! says:
October 30, 2007 at 7:43 am
elOoooooo clowns never used to be scary to me untill i got attacked by one walking home from school he had a pale white face a big red nose and teeth like razors i ran but he jumped me and tried to bite me but somone walked round the corner and the clown man dissapered.

joking but scary story HAYYY !! lol

lovage
Ashley Johnson says:
November 23, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I love Pennywise the clown. He is so funny,scary, and adorable. Like i've seen the movie "IT" "5" times!!!. I love the movie Pennywise is so!!! funny. OMG!!!!!! well any ways i was saying pennywise is so adorable. Do you think that i could probably get pennywise autograph like Jimmy Cricket i would be SO!!!! Happy.

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Eric D. Snider