Whew! Breathe a sigh of relief and put your shirt back on! The summer blockbuster season is finally over, and movies are allowed to make sense again. Join us as we take a brisk, sweaty stroll down memory lane and revisit the summer's most pungent and savory offerings.
The summer blockbuster season began sometime around last November with "Spider-Man 3," about a sad, whiny kid with an annoying girlfriend and a lot of personal problems who occasionally fights crime, except for when he's too busy crying and listening to Dashboard Confessional. Also, the film had some villains -- 43 at last count, though scientists are still viewing the film and discovering more every day.
Speaking of effeminate heroes who wear eyeliner, Jack Sparrow was back again for "Pirates of the Caribbean: Something Something," the third movie to be based on the Disneyland attraction. The film was so popular that lines for it extended all the way over to the Haunted Mansion. With about 75 percent of the movie being incomprehensible, it was by far the most coherent film in the series.
But Jack Sparrow wasn't the only outlandish cartoon character in the movies this summer! No, we had Lindsay Lohan, too. She managed to make two movies between relapses: "Georgia Rule" and "I Know Who Killed Me." One was a dark horror film full of torture and pain; the other one did not co-star Jane Fonda.
If you love animation, then summer is the time for you! Especially if you are very promiscuous about your animation love and will love just about anything. "Shrek the Third" continued to teach children the value of farting, while "Surf's Up" answered the question, "How many @!*$# movies about penguins do we have to watch before we get sick of them?!" Turns out it was this many!
Also, "The Simpsons Movie" was released in July, to the delight of fans who were tired of watching the show for free twice a day and wished there were some way of paying for it. "Ratatouille" was widely considered the best animated film of the year, and it showcased a valuable message about how gross French people are. And while "Underdog" wasn't a cartoon, it was just as stupid as if it had been.
Speaking of movies for children, one of the more annoying and senseless films this summer was based on a line of toy dolls. Not "Bratz," silly! "Bratz" was aggravating and mindless. The annoying and senseless toy doll movie was "Transformers," in which a malevolent race of robot cars sneaks into America and gets into a fight with another race of robot cars. It was hard for me to follow, because all those illegal aliens look the same to me. KA-ZOING!
There was also a movie called "Hairspray"!
Just because it was summertime, however, don't think there weren't any serious and thought-provoking films. The documentary "Sicko" made many people contemplate a very important issue, i.e., whether or not Michael Moore is a fat fat fatty. "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" addressed the topic of gay marriage and confused many Adam Sandler fans by coming out against gay-bashing. And "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" warned against the dangers of letting women be in charge of schools.
Of course the summer was filled with comedy, too! Laughter, mirth, and merriment spilled out of cinemas like Rosie O'Donnell's back fat out of a taffeta bridesmaid's dress! "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" both reminded us how funny the F word is when it's repeated constantly, while the Larry the Cable Guy adventure "Delta Farce" served as an inspiring example of people succeeding in Hollywood despite having a chromosome deficiency.
Do you love superheroes? You do?! Sucks to be you, then! Apart from the craptacular "Spider-Man 3," the only superhero film this summer was "Craptastic Four: Rise of the Silver Stupid Crap." Of course, Jason Bourne is a sort of superhero, and his latest movie, "The Bourne Ultimatum," was pretty good. It's sure to earn a sympathy Oscar nomination for its cinematographer, who was in the last throes of Parkinson's disease when he shot it.
But summer 2007 is over now, and everything released between now and Christmas will smell faintly of Oscar desperation. Not like "Spider-Man 3," which smelled like Axe body spray, or "Ocean's Thirteen," which smelled like the carpet of a casino. Take a big whiff, and we'll see you at the movies!
These remind me of the Hollywood Minute that David Spade used to do on SNL, except these have more humor and less David Spade.
One could argue that they have more humor BECAUSE they have less David Spade.
"It's sure to earn a sympathy Oscar nomination for its cinematographer, who was in the last throes of Parkinson's disease when he shot it."
I laughed and laughed. Hated the cinematography enough to dislike the movie because of it.
Calling someone "chromosome deficiency" seems like a good idea in a name-calling war.
Well if you enjoy writing these so much, you should find a way to do them more often. Seriously. They don't ALL have to be about movies or Summer of course.
It was a great wedding dress. That's the first time I learned what dolphin skin feels like.
I believe Michael Moore should more appropriately be known as a "fatty fat fat" and not a "fat fat fatty" as referenced above.
As with Randy, I too hated the cinematography of Bourne--enough that I had to give up watching the movie entirely and sneak into something else.
Back fat spillage. Its gonna take more than a mop to clean that up, maybe a backhoe and big truck. that image is jiggling around in my head, maybe for weeks. Speaking of jiggling, did you know there is FAT porn on the world wide interweb? So Ive heard, i would never never never never look.
Backhoe. now thats funny.
Regards to Eric.
richrich
I mean it, never never never EVER!
"Also, "The Simpsons Movie" was released in July, to the delight of fans who were tired of watching the show for free twice a day and wished there were some way of paying for it." 'Bout sums it up for me.
Speaking of the Simpsons, I agree with Gumby. It should have been Fatty Fat Fat.
You're both wrong. It should be Fatty fat fat fat. With the emphasis on the second fat.
No, it shouldn't. The two "fats" are adjectives modifying the noun "Fatty", and since we're not [swear word] commie Frenchmen we WILL use the English syntax.
Oh, and richrich -- the lord doth protest too much, methinks.
I really hope we're done discussing the "fat" issue. You sound like my brother. With more sugar than he already ingests.
Oh, great review, Eric!
Review, of course, referring to the review of the summer events, and not to any specific movie. Too bad there's no edit button! Just kidding.
I could not stop laughing at your Bourne sentence. Man, I was so darn sea sick in that film that I nearly left. KEEP THE CAMERA STILL IDIOT.
Love your summer wrap up. Priceless.
Every joke worked except for the Ratatouille one.
Shut it, Frenchy.
hm. eric you sound a little grouchy, I think.
This was a quick listen. Not a criticism, but I like the 16-minute podcasts. I loved the jokes. Even Ratatouille.
And I keep thinking about back fat. Last night watching Last Comic Standing (really none of them are funny), I thought the Lavell guy must have serious back fat. I could see it through his suit. Ugh.
As bad as it was to look at the back fat Eric refers to, imagine how it felt to hug it after the sweaty wedding was over.
I prefer the insult "Fatty Fat Fatty" for Michael Moore.
Copyright © Eric D. Snider.
This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.
Comments & Reaction:
The part about the back fat in the bridesmaid's dress stems from a true traumatic experience my family and I suffered once at a wedding, except it wasn't a bridesmaid -- it was the bride. *shudder*
This is my sixth summer blockbuster review. Every time I do one, I mention how much I enjoy them. Well, it's still true! Here are the previous ones: 2006, 2004, August 2001, June 2001, and 1999.