Soccer Punch

Snide Remarks #624

"Soccer Punch"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on April 18, 2011

It is popular everywhere in the world except the United States. Americans tend to make fun of it, though a growing number support it fervently and seek to convert others. It is impossible for someone who loves it and someone who hates it to discuss it without the person who loves it being condescending and the person who hates it being stubborn. The answer? Soccer, though we also would have accepted socialized medicine.

Everyone plays soccer as a kid, even Americans. It's a good sport for kids because it combines their natural fondness for running around with their natural fondness for kicking things. You don't have to be tall to be a good player (as in basketball), or burly (as in football), or Canadian (as in hockey). Unlike baseball, where the players just stand around a lot of the time and you can have someone else run for you if you don't feel like it, soccer is a game of constant motion. In a typical 90-minute match, the players might run a combined total of as much as 130 miles and score as many as one goal. It is frequently called "the beautiful game," though obviously only by people who have never seen Magic: The Gathering.

But as a spectator sport for grown-ups, soccer has never been as popular in the U.S. as other sports. Not consistently, anyway. It gets very popular whenever the World Cup is happening, and especially if the U.S. team is doing well, because we Americans like to pretend we are interested in things if we have a chance of winning them. Once we're eliminated from the competition we go back to not caring. We did the same thing with the Stanley Cup finals, the Olympics, and Vietnam.

Professional soccer does have its fans in the United States, though, and they are a rabid, devoted bunch. I live in Portland, where soccer (and, for that matter, socialized medicine) has a particularly strong following. We had a minor-league team called the Timbers from 2001-2010, and it was so popular that it graduated to Major League Soccer. Not the players, mind you, just the name "the Timbers." The players were all sent to other minor-league teams, or euthanized, and replaced with MLS players, who came from wherever big-league soccer players come from. (England? Brazil? I don't know.) The new Portland Timbers play at Jeld-Wen Field, which used to be called PGE Park and was home to both the minor-league Timbers and a minor-league baseball team called the Beavers. But the Beavers don't play there anymore. They now play at a stadium slightly south of Portland, in a place called Arizona.

There was a minor brouhaha about all this. The Timbers and Beavers used to share PGE Park just fine, I guess. Grounds crews would make the necessary adjustments to the field between game days, the way custodians turn school cafeterias into auditoriums when there's an assembly. But that arrangement wasn't going to work once the Timbers became an MLS team, because MLS has different guidelines. Among those guidelines: an MLS team may not share a field with a baseball team, especially not one called the Beavers. ("Don't be ridiculous," say the MLS guidelines. "Seriously, 'Beavers'?") There were also concerns about the park's seating configuration and the field's playing surface. The MLS commissioner told Portland that the league would not bring a Major League Soccer team to the city unless PGE Park was renovated and the Beavers evicted.

So. We had ourselves a good old-fashioned Mexican standoff. It didn't last long, though, once it was pointed out that bringing Major League Soccer to Portland would be a boon to the city, and that no one cared about the Beavers anyway. It was sad but true. The Timbers had a huge army of loyal fans, like the European soccer teams do, where they chant and cheer and wear costumes and generally behave in a raucous, beer-enhanced manner. Timbers games were always well attended. It was this enthusiasm that had attracted the attention of the MLS in the first place. The Beavers, meanwhile, played their boring games in front of empty stands. Their mascot was some guy in a ratty old beaver costume, while the Timbers had an actual chainsaw-wielding lumberjack. There was no contest. None of the possibilities for a new Beavers stadium panned out, and the team was sold.

Last summer, after living in Portland for five years, I finally went to a Beavers game and a Timbers game. (They were different games. If they'd played against each other, now THAT would have been something.) It was the final season for both teams as we knew them, as well as for PGE Park as we knew it, and I wanted to be part of history, and also I had free tickets. I'm not generally a big sports fan, but I do enjoy sitting outside with friends on a pleasant summer evening, and if a sporting event should happen to break out in front of us, so be it.

The Beavers game was poorly attended. The Beavers played badly. My friend Kourtney got beaned by a foul ball. GOOD RIDDANCE, BEAVERS.

The Timbers game, a month or so later, was packed, and occupying a huge chunk of the stands was the aforementioned Timbers Army, a cult of ferocious fans who have sworn a sacred oath to cheer and support their squad of shinguarded heroes forever. The Timbers Army is like a religion, and game day is their sabbath, and their pope has a chainsaw. (Don't you wish YOUR pope had a chainsaw?) If a member of the Timbers Army moves to another city that has a soccer team, and it is discovered that he has switched allegiances, the Timbers Army will murder him and bathe in his blood. (This is legal in Europe. It's more of a gray area here.) Once you have heard the Timbers Army's thunderous singing, drum-beating, and unison chanting for 90 solid minutes, you'll never hear anything else like it. If you sat too close to them, you'll never hear anything else at all.

Because of the World Cup fever that had recently swept the world like influenza, some people at the Timbers game had brought vuvuzelas. You will recall that a vuvuzela is a terrible thing from South Africa that makes loud, unnecessary noise, which is also a pretty good description of Charlize Theron. The Timbers Army did not approve of vuvuzelas, much less of the johnnies-come-lately who used them. Blowing a vuvuzela was a good way to let people know that you were a bandwagon-jumper and not a real soccer fan, and also that you were an obnoxious idiot. I don't know why you would want to draw attention to these facts, but people did.

This was the first professional soccer game I'd ever attended, and I was curious to see how it compared to my expectations. For example, I knew that soccer had a reputation for being really boring. Why is that? Well, it turns out it's because soccer is really boring. But I don't see how it's inherently any more boring than, say, NASCAR, which also has people moving around very fast while accomplishing very little, and also has wildly enthusiastic fans. The only difference between a soccer game in Argentina and a NASCAR race in America is that the fans at the soccer game probably speak better English.

And soccer keeps moving, without the constant stopping and starting you get in other sports. Ninety minutes of game time takes about 90 minutes. Compare that to football, where they have to stop the clock every few seconds to allow the players to renegotiate their contracts, appear in commercials, be served with subpoenas, etc. Soccer may not be a terribly exciting game, but neither is football, and at least soccer is over faster, so there.

Actually, the atmosphere at the Timbers game went electric every time the ball came within kicking distance of one of the goals. The crowd was always thrilled at the prospect of a goal being scored, even though we knew that the odds of such a thing actually occurring were microscopic. It was like when you play the lottery, and you have that little twinge of excitement when they read off the winning numbers. You're almost certainly not going to win, but hey, what if?? In that sense, a soccer game represents everlasting hope in the face of probable disappointment. And what's more American than that?

Notes:

Was this originally published with the vuvuzela credited to South America, and Shakira in place of Charlize Theron? And was it quickly fixed after my brother pointed out my mistake? You cannot prove it.

This item has 27 comments

Jimmy says:
April 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm
I know you're being funny, but comparing soccer to football in terms of boringitude is way off base. Now, I enjoy watching soccer now and again, and the "ALMOST!" factor is kinda fun sometimes.

But in football you have actual, honest scoring going on. Sometimes as many as four touchdowns per team! A soccer game that was 4-5 is an exciting one, but a rarity. A football game that ends 28-35 is pretty common.

I'll stop taking offense to a humor column now.

Carry on.
Steve says:
April 18, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Vietnam and Charlize Theron. Hysterical.
Randy Tayler says:
April 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Shouldn't there have been some joke here comparing the names "Timbers" and "Beavers"? I feel a little gypped.
Snide Remarks Reader says:
April 18, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Loved the whole thing, but was especially tickled by the following:

... though we also would have accepted socialized medicine.
... We did the same thing with the Stanley Cup finals, the Olympics, and Vietnam.
... The Timbers Army is like a religion, and game day is their sabbath, and their pope has a chainsaw.
... the Timbers Army will murder him and bathe in his blood. (This is legal in Europe. It's more of a gray area here.)
... For example, I knew that soccer had a reputation for being really boring. Why is that? Well, it turns out it's because soccer is really boring.

Also, what a brilliant concluding paragraph!
Savvy Veteran says:
April 18, 2011 at 7:45 pm
As someone who derives great pleasure in the fact that the plural of "Attorney General" is "Attorneys General," I was particularly pleased with the "johnnies-come-lately" line.
Nate the Great says:
April 18, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Why, yes, I do wish my pope had a chainsaw. Thank you for asking.
Porter says:
April 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Now *that* is the sort of article that made me excited for Snide Remarks to start up again. Kudos!
Chrissy says:
April 18, 2011 at 9:30 pm
I missed you.
Eric's Brother Chris says:
April 19, 2011 at 12:22 am
Thanks for mentioning Magic: The Gathering. I know in my heart it was a nod in my direction.
Karen Ackermann says:
April 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Oh, what a lovely bit of snidely humor. I look forward to investigating all of your writing-thank you for sharing! The laughter tears on my face are so much preferrable to the sleet streaming down my windowpanes and I will be sharing this far and wide. Cheers!!
Momma Snider says:
April 19, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Magic: The Gathering IS a beautiful game, when Chris and Joy play it.

Also, it's too bad Shakira isn't from South Africa, because I think she fit the description better.
aaron says:
April 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Jimmy. Soccer's exiting and football's boring. Neener, neener, neener.
Kara says:
April 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I've been a fan of Snider for a long time, and I knew that when he moved to Portland things could get awkward in our relationship (comprised of me reading his stuff and him not knowing me at all). You see, I'm a Seattle Souners fan and I figured the issue would eventually come to a head.

I'm happy to say that I loved this post and we can continue as we always have (once again, I as the anonymous stalker).

But I would be prepared in case some TA find this and start saying weird, slightly slurred, possibly mildly violent things. Just from experience.
DCU4LIFE says:
April 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm
I am glad to see Snide Remarks is back, and especially pleased to see an entry regarding my favorite sport.

To Jimmy and others that think soccer is more boring than other sports, I ask you to consider the possibility that excitement can be generated by events other than scoring. Also please consider the fact that goals are so elusive in soccer that they may be the only sporting accomplishment that rightfully bears that moniker â€œgoalâ€. Scoring a goal, or giving one up, is huge! One goal often is the determining factor in a game. That is what makes goals in soccer exponentially more exciting than scoring points in any other sport to me, and to millions around the globe. Add in nonstop action with no timeouts, and you have the most exciting sport in the world as far as I am concerned.

Of course I do not expect anyone to get it the first time they watch a game. Like most fine art, soccer is severely underappreciated at first glance. It is more like a symphony, or a Metallica tune, rather than a catchy bubblegum pop song on the radio. Soccer taste is refined and learned over time. The game has nuance and complexity that is not obvious to casual observers. I accept that some people will never like soccer, just as I accept that certain people will always be Miley Cyrus and Nickelback fans. All I ask is that aficionados of other sports reciprocate the love, and refrain from bashing the beautiful game.

Oh, and if you want to understand what makes us tick, I suggest reading Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby (yes, the book was about soccer, not baseball). I recommend reading the entire book, but if you donâ€™t have the patience, look for the subchapter titled THE GREATEST MOMENT EVER near the end.
sHells bells! says:
April 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm
I'd have made an exception for the Shakira mistake...definitely a better fit.
Jeff says:
April 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm
That Charlize Theron line is brilliant. Well done sir. Also to DCU4LIFE and Jimmy, this is a humor column, not a center for debate on the levels of entertainment provided by various sports. Take it elsewhere. As a huge fan of most non-redneck sports myself, I can tell you that no amount of words will convince someone who isn't interested that your favorite sport is great. Yay athletic competitions!
Dave says:
April 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm
At first I thought, here we go another irrational rant on soccer replete with high school humour but thankfully I kept with it and found some actual wit in the content.

If only all "soccer is boring" articles could be this amusing.

Thanks for the smiles.
Galiala says:
April 21, 2011 at 1:22 am
Glad you gave soccer a try, and happy that it lead to this great post.
As Seattle Sounders fan, I am quite excited about watching the Timbers trying to catch up with us. This will be a fun season, I sugest you try and go to a Sounders vs Timbers game if you have a chance, if only because both fan bases might give you a ton of material to poke fun at.

Love having Snide Remarks back!
Puppies!!! says:
April 21, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I was wondering when and if a soccer supporter would chime in with their "You just don't GET IT!" argument. I applaud you for trying, but soccer sucks, and always will.

I loved this article, Eric, great job!
jj says:
April 22, 2011 at 10:41 am
Whoever posted the comment above about "excitement in something other than scoring" obviously doesn't understand the procreational imperative in the evolutionary process.
DCU4LIFE says:
April 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm
To Jeff, get over it. I know where I am. I've been a fan from the beginning. I was a paying customer when this was a subscription site. I earned my right to make my comment. Besides, I threw in a Nickelback joke for old times' sake. And I suggested a fantastic book. So there. :)

To jj, you have to admit that sometimes the excitement of the chase is better than the conquest.
Mark Wilcox says:
April 25, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Haven't read your column in years, now I remember why I used to love it. If only my last name had snide in it. My columns don't have that luxury - the best I could do is "The willing Wilcox," which doesn't exactly inspire readership.

Brilliant line about English at Nascar.
Russ says:
April 30, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Hey now, I like watching both Soccer and Football. I only like playing soccer (also I am not big enough to play on a football team).

I am a big sports fan, but NASCAR is not a sport. And I will never enjoy watching it. I went to a game once, and I'm pretty sure there were more beer and cigarettes consumed there than the combined supply of 1000 gas stations.

I enjoyed this post.
Joshua says:
April 30, 2011 at 11:41 pm
"My friend Kourtney got beaned by a foul ball."

This is one of my favorite stories from Movie BS.
Joy says:
May 9, 2011 at 8:32 pm
Woo! Magic: The Gathering!
Jason says:
May 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm
The line about Charlize Theron killed, even though I agree that Shakira was a better fit for the original comment. And I also would probably rather see Shakira killed instead of Charlize. Unless it was like a magician performing the illusion of sawing someone in half with one of those fake prop things, and the assistant had to wear one of those magician's assistant dresses. Then I would like it be Charlize again. Brilliant column, sir!
Dave says:
December 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm
I can remember, ohh back about 30 years ago, when the city I lived in at the time was promoting its youth recreational soccer leagues with the slogan "Soccer: Its a kick in the grass". That slogan provided many a chortle for me and my brothers, as we would softly say "gr" and loudly say "ass" (much to the chagrin and anger of our parents).

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Eric D. Snider