Soda Speak

Snide Remarks #646

"Soda Speak"

by Eric D. Snider

Published on October 25, 2011

Attention men! Did you know that it is embarrassing for you to drink diet soda? Well, it is. Diet soda is for women. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for a man to do something that a woman also does? It is super embarrassing. In the Old Testament days, they'd have put you to death for that. "And a man shall not drink of the same reduced-calorie beverage which the woman drinketh, for this is abomination," that's what the Old Testament says.

So if you are a man who has been drinking diet soda without feeling ashamed, you need to start. You need to feel emasculated and inferior. Let that humiliation penetrate deep into your soul. And then, when you are at your lowest point, cast your eyes upward and find your redemption: Dr Pepper Ten.

This is a new version of Dr Pepper made exclusively for men. You see, some men are health-conscious and don't want to drink regular Dr Pepper, but they can't drink Diet Dr Pepper, either, because they know that drinking diet soda is the same as being a big old homo. It's socially acceptable for men to reduce their caloric intake for the purpose of being healthier; they just aren't supposed to broadcast that fact. The scientists at Dr Pepper laboratories pondered this paradox for many years before arriving at the ingenious solution of selling a diet soda that simply doesn't have the word "diet" in its name.

Thus we have Dr Pepper Ten, which has the same flavor as regular Dr Pepper but only ten calories. Yes, yes, Diet Dr Pepper has ZERO calories, but it also says "diet," so men won't drink it. (Note: for now we are ignoring the fact that many men do drink it.) As you can see from the commercial, which I've posted below, Dr Pepper Ten is a manly soda for rugged men who are covered in hair and sweat and gunpowder. It is NOT for women.

(For the visually impaired or people who can't watch videos at work, here is a transcript. It's meant to look like a typical action scene in a typical "guy" movie, with a man running through a jungle blowing things up and hopping into jeeps. He says: "Hey, ladies. Enjoying the film? Of course not. Because this is OUR movie! And Dr Pepper Ten is our soda. It's only ten manly calories, but with all 23 flavors of Dr Pepper. It's what guys want -- like this! [more explosions, etc.] Catchphrase! So you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. We're good. Dr Pepper Ten: It's not for women.")

Even though "It's not for women" sounds like a parody slogan that you would make up for a fictional product, it is in fact the actual slogan for this actual product. "Dr Pepper Ten: It's Not for Women!" Is this the first time a product has been marketed with a tagline that tells consumers who it's NOT for? That seems risky. You're counting on viewers to use process of elimination to determine whether they are the intended audience. "OK, it's not for women. I am not a woman. Ergo, it is for me?" It seems counterintuitive to make people do logic problems just to figure out whether you even WANT them to buy your product. Because now I'm thinking, man, is drinking it gonna be this complicated?

To help untangle this thorny situation, I went right to the source: Dr. Francis J. Pepper, the medical doctor and research scientist who invented the soft drink, and who still makes the occasional batch himself in an old bathtub.

Q: Dr Pepper, thank you for taking the time to explain the new product. First of all, let me ask you this: If a man is already drinking Diet Dr Pepper, may he continue to do so? Or must he switch over to Dr Pepper Ten?
A: Well, as you know, men generally don't drink any kind of diet soda. However, we're aware that there does exist a small minority of men who do drink it; primarily transsexuals, men who have undergone castration, men whose wives boss them around, pedophiles, and men who don't like sports. If these, uh, individuals -- I hesitate to call them "men" -- are satisfied with Diet Dr Pepper, they may continue to drink it with my blessing.

Q: And of course, if men are drinking the regular Dr Pepper, that's OK, too?
A: Yes, yes, even better. Honestly, we'd rather everyone drink the regular stuff because it's easier to make, and the profit margin is higher. It's literally just sugar and prune juice. Dr Pepper Ten is for men who are currently not drinking anything with "Dr Pepper" in the name.

Q: Are women allowed to buy Dr Pepper Ten?
A: Well, of course they are! It is a free country. They just aren't allowed to drink it.

Q: How will this be enforced?
A: Dr Pepper Ten is infused with an undetectable chemical that is harmless to men but will cause spontaneous nosebleeds in women.

Q: Do most men refuse to drink Diet Dr Pepper because they don't like the taste?
A: Not at all. As you know from hearing it repeated constantly over the last ten years, Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper. And everyone loves regular Dr Pepper! Men just don't like the connotation of "diet" sodas.

Q: So why go to the trouble of producing a new formula when all you had to do was give Diet Dr Pepper a new name?
A: How do you know that's not what we did?

Q: Well, the new stuff has ten calories, whereas Diet Dr Pepper has zero.
A: Ah, yes, of course. That's what the labels say, don't they? Yes. Yes, that's undoubtedly correct, then. We certainly wouldn't release the exact same product under two, or even three, different names! Goodness no! Why, if we did that, the only thing keeping us out of trouble would be the fact that the average consumer has neither the means nor the inclination to verify the information on the label!

Q: Is it true that it's called "Dr Pepper" because when it first came out, you could only buy it with a prescription?
A: Yes. The thirst-quenching properties were too powerful for over-the-counter use.

Q: Do you know Mr. Pibb?
A: Tom Pibb? Sure! We were in med school together. Nice guy. Never graduated.

Q: Why not?
A: He had a bad Coke habit.

Notes:

LATE BREAKING JOKE: You can tell Dr Pepper isn't for women because it doesn't have a period.

This item has 27 comments

Tom says:
October 25, 2011 at 2:05 am
On the other side of the gender gap, they've been marketing Secret antiperspirant/deodorant exclusively to women since 1956. Although it's actually "strong enough for a man," it's especially "made for a woman," you know.
rjp says:
October 25, 2011 at 4:02 am
It's definitely not the first time. Yorkie (chunky chocolate bar) has been "not for girls" for many years in the UK.

http://veethemonsoon.wordpress.com/2004/07/02/nestle-uks-yorkie-is-not-for-girls/ has pictures, history, and feminist disapproval. What more could you want?
Rob D. says:
October 25, 2011 at 4:05 am
Wow Eric! This was amazingly funny! If there was a Snide Remarks hall of fame, this should be in there. That's a sports term since I know you're a diet soda drinker and probably not familiar with what that means. Honestly, though- this was one of my favorites.

Coke or Pepsi should have guys drinking their diet soda while dancing to "Born This Way" playing in the background.
Linda says:
October 25, 2011 at 5:26 am
"Dr Pepper Ten is a manly soda for rugged men who are covered in hair and sweat and gunpowder. It is NOT for women."

Obviously they've never seen Angelina Jolie after a day on the set.
Aubrey says:
October 25, 2011 at 7:26 am
pedophiles... you kill me!
AmberLou says:
October 25, 2011 at 8:35 am
I KNEW there was a reason my husband drinks Coke Zero and Pepsi Max!
DaveW says:
October 25, 2011 at 9:13 am
Obviously Dr Pepper *Ten* is better than Coke *Zero*. Any manly mathematician could tell you that!
matt says:
October 25, 2011 at 9:55 am
This reminds me of my all-time favorite Snide Remarks of all time. Eric, if you're out of ideas for a column sometime, I suggest you call the phone numbers on various consumer products and ask them inane questions as you once did here: http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/1800-dumb-questions/
Jack B Nimble says:
October 25, 2011 at 11:14 am
@rjp - I once purchased a bunch of Yorkies for an apartment of girls. They reached the conclusion that it isn't for girls because it had something like 380 calories per bar (a normal candy bar has around 250).
Jenn Mattson says:
October 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Amen! Excellent column (as usual)! I don't think the advertising world (and marketing world) has ever been very non-stereotypically inclined or gender neutral, but for some reason it seems to be getting worse. This campaign reminds me of these really unappetizing candy bars in the UK - the Yorkie bar - that are marketed as "not for girls." There's a blogger with a review of the candy bar and the subject heading says, "Not for girls, or for anyone else either." Which is what I suspect one might say about the new Dr Pepper.
Jenn says:
October 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Argh! My browser wouldn't show the comments section when I posted my previous one, so clearly not breaking news about the Yorkie bar *smiles sheepishly*
Momma Snider says:
October 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm
ha ha ha ha!
FHL says:
October 25, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Can't wait to try the Dr Pepper Ten so that I can show my allegiance. (Also, to see if it tastes good.)

It's truly a remarkable marketing angle. We'll see if it works.
Momma Snider says:
October 25, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I don't drink Dr. Pepper anyway, but now I really want a Yorkie bar.
Erin says:
October 25, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Jenn - Actually, I'm glad you clarified that Yorkies are a UK candy bar. I thought Jack B Nimble was talking about dogs. His post makes much more sense now.
Clumpy says:
October 25, 2011 at 4:28 pm
If the new columns are going to stay this consistent, you can count on me for a donation the next time around.
Tia Juanna says:
October 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm
ummm,Momma Snider, you cannot have a Yorkie because you are a girl!
Regina says:
October 25, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Glenn Beck drinks Coke Zero...
Don Tutchmi says:
October 25, 2011 at 10:11 pm
Men can consume "Diet" drinks, but only if they eat the can as well.
Charles Norris says:
October 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
I was laughing under my breath (I work in a cube) until I got to the line, "He had a bad Coke habit". I snorted and began to cough. It was totally embarassing but totally worth it for a line like that.

I do need to quibble with the name of the good doctor. How can anybody named Francis claim to be an expert on all things manly?
MooMan says:
October 26, 2011 at 10:15 am
I kinda feel the Dr. Pepper 10 ads are supposed to be parodies of the Old Spice ads, which are parodies of themselves? I'm confused. I'm guessing it's just meant to be amusing and maybe get an article on yahoo or the Eric D Snider webpage and that's it. As for the soda itself - I want to do a blind test with regular DDP, but it doesn't taste too bad. I wish someone would do like, a 50 calorie soda. So we could have something that actually tastes decent but isn't loaded with empty calories. The makers of the Arnold Palmer drink do it. And we all know how great that stuff is.
AdamOndi says:
October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am
Ah, so there is a scientific reason that I, as a heterosexual macho man, do not drink diet soda. I thought it was just because diet soda tastes like licking a battery. Now I know that it is because my Y chromosomes all scream out as one when I hear or read the word "Diet" in front of a name of a soda.
Jim says:
October 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Whatever. I totally know of at least one super-manly construction worker who drinks diet coke and gets all the ladies. Oh... that commercial was for women only? Nevermind...
Jim says:
October 26, 2011 at 12:44 pm
Whatever. I totally know of at least one super-manly construction worker who drinks diet coke and gets all the ladies. Oh... that commercial was for women only? Nevermind...
Andrew says:
October 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Was it just me who read Eric's transcript of the commercial and assumed it must be a joke on his part, because no real commercial would be that stupid?
Layne says:
October 26, 2011 at 11:26 pm
How would the visually impaired, who cannot watch the video, read the transcript of the video?
Jacob says:
October 28, 2011 at 10:04 am
Auntie Jane, Momma Snider can have whatever she wants. 'Cuz she's a woman!
DOUBLE-U
O
M
A
N!

Should I say it again?

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Eric D. Snider