The Book of Highdef

Snide Remarks #606

"The Book of Highdef"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on January 12, 2009

And it came to pass that I, Eric, was desirous that I should obtain a television with high-definition; for behold, my television had waxed old, and had but 27 diagonal inches; and verily, it did not receive high-definition, and it did now befit the lifestyle of a hillbilly.

And so I did venture forth into the wilds of the Internets to obtain knowledge of HDTVs -- for I knew that there were plasma and LCD, and all manner of sizes and permutations; and I was desirous that I should not be carried about by every wind of doctrine.

But I knew that within the Internets were only images of HDTVs, and descriptions thereof; and to experience an HDTV with all my senses save taste it must needs be that I should journey into a store of brick and mortar, to see with mine own eyes, and hear with mine own ears, and touch with mine own hands, and OK, maybe not smell, either.

And so it came to pass that I did journey to the City of Circuit, knowing that a knowledgeable salesperson might aid me in discovering which HDTV was most correct above all others. And it came to pass that a salesperson did tell me this; and yea, the most correct HDTV did prove to be the one that costeth more than all the others.

And I did doubt the words of the salesperson, and I spake unto him, saying, "Wait a minute..." And I did realize that he had tricked me with guile, and wo be unto those that trick me with guile, especially when they be but 17 years of age and hath names like "Cody."

Nevertheless I did tarry in the City of Circuit to view HDTVs with mine own eyes, ears, and hands (but not tongue or nose), and I did forsake Cody and all others who did endeavor to persuade me that I should buy that HDTV which costeth the most; for verily, their efforts did vex me.

And it came to pass that I determined on my own which HDTV should most befit mine own living room and mine own bank account, and I did inscribe the particulars thereof on a scrap of paper that I might return to the wilds of the Internets to obtain further knowledge, that I might find which of all the stores would sell this HDTV for the lowest price; for verily, I knew it would not be the City of Circuit. Art thou kidding me?

And it came to pass that as I left the City of Circuit I did see across the lot for parking the land of Best Buy; and I knew that the land of Best Buy did also sell HDTVs; and knowing which HDTV should be mine, it behooved me to learn what price the land of Best Buy did affix to it.

And as I did enter the land of Best Buy, a young maiden geek did descend upon me and inquire concerning my needs; and I did say unto her that I knew whither I should go to find the HDTV of my choosing. Nevertheless, she did follow me and ask many questions of me, and pester me and harass me, and she did assure me that the land of Best Buy would match any price.

And I said unto her, "Thou matchest any price? Including prices fetched from within the wilds of the Internets? For behold, I have pondered greatly this matter and have considered purchasing my HDTV from deep within the Amazon."

And the young maiden geek answered and said, "Yea, verily, all prices shall we match. But dost thou think it wise to purchase a product of such largeness and expense in the wilds of the Internets? For behold, thou knowest not what thou shalt actually receive from sellers in the Internets, for oft times they be sketchy."

And I did say unto her, "The Amazon is a land of great repute and honor, not some guy in his garage."

And she saith unto me, "Is this so? Is not the Amazon a place where buyers and sellers trade their wares unscrupulously and with deceit?"

And I did reply that this is not so within the Amazon, and that perhaps she thinketh of eBay. And she did say unto me, "I have purchased very little from within the wilds of the Internets, so I know not what manner of merchants there be." And I did make a mental note not to give my trust to a maiden geek who worketh within the industry of high-tech yet who knoweth not the basic elements of e-commerce. And it came to pass that each thing she did say to me thereafter I did take with salt, and did not trust it to be truthful or authoritative.

And it came to pass that I found the HDTV whose particulars I had inscribed in the City of Circuit; and behold, the price in the land of Best Buy was neither greater nor lesser than the price in the City of Circuit; and I knew not whither I should go to purchase the HDTV.

And behold, as I left the land of Best Buy, I did see also in the same lot for parking a store which is called Video Only, which is a chain of local origin, which selleth nothing save it be televisions and cameras and video equipment, as befits the name Video Only. And I saith to myself: Never before have I entered Video Only. Perchance there are bargains, yea even mighty bargains to be had within.

And it came to pass that I did enter Video Only, whereupon a man of great pleasantness and good cheer did swoop down upon me and befriend me in a loud manner, hailing me with joviality and small talk and tidings of great joy. And I did know that verily, this man worketh on commission.

And I did say unto this man, whose name was Kevin, that I had ventured into the City of Circuit and the land of Best Buy; and now I beseeched him to tell him how it behooveth a man to buy an HDTV from Video Only instead.

And Kevin spake unto me, saying, "Behold, our prices shall be lower than the prices of all other stores; and moreover, our staff shall be in all cases more knowledgeable."

And he spake further unto me, and he did call me "bro," and great was the tooliness of Kevin. And he did say unto me, "Dost thou seek a large TV on which to view live sporting events? For verily, if that be the case, thou shouldest consider such a TV as this," and he specified a particular model which doth produce exceedingly fine images of games of football and baseball, such that the eye can detect in great detail the motion of each athlete, yea, even the jiggling of every butt cheek.

And behold, I saith unto Kevin that I watch not sporting events, and that this was not a consideration for me.

But it came to pass that Kevin did ignore this and did continue to speak glowingly of such an HDTV as befits a sports fan; yea, he did not grasp that a man could own an HDTV and yet not watch sports upon it; for verily, he did consider this to be blasphemy.

And I did grow weary of Kevin, and the tooliness thereof, and I did ask him where I might see the particular HDTV which I had already chosen for myself; and it came to pass that he did lead me to it, and shew it unto me; and I did see that the price thereof was greater than the price in the City of Circuit and the land of Best Buy; yea, verily, two hundred dollars greater.

And it came to pass that I did thank Kevin for his time, and I did depart. And I did note that Video Only selleth also sound systems and speakers, which maketh the name "Video Only" a lie. Behold, I am just saying.

And it came to pass that I was weary and did return home, and thence into the wilds of the Internets. And I did explore deep within the Amazon, and I did find the HDTV I had chosen; and behold, the price in the Amazon was five hundred dollars lower than the price at Video Only, and three hundred dollars less than in the City of Circuit or the land of Best Buy.

And I did cast about the Amazon, seeking knowledge on the price of shipping, and also of handling -- for verily, I know from mine own experience that shipping, and also handling, can be exceedingly costly; for behold, that is how they getteth thee. But it came to pass that within the Amazon there were no charges for shipping, nor for handling; nor were there charges of any kind beyond the cost of the HDTV, which was lower than all other stores; nor were there ignorant geek maidens or tooly Kevins or deceitful Codys to ensnare me. And it came to pass that I did see no reason whatsoever that I should not purchase my HDTV from the Amazon, in the wilds of the Internets. And I did purchase it, and it did arrive; and how great was my joy.

But it came to pass that I did mourn somewhat for the stores of brick and mortar; for soon they dieth, for lo, their overhead is great and their income is meager; and their prices are engorged, and great is the apathy of their employees; and wo also unto their "extended warranty" plans, which come from the devil and lie in wait to deceive.

Yea, a store of brick and mortar hath usefulness only to show a man a product with his own eyes and ears and hands, that he may experience it in such a way as he will experience it in his own home. But verily, I say unto you, the time cometh that the Internets shall provide this too. No man knoweth the hour, but it cometh, and when it doth, the City of Circuit and the land of Best Buy and all others like unto them shall be as the dust. And in that day there shall be much rejoicing in the land, for never again shall a man have need to leave his house. And this shall be awesome.

Comments & Reaction:

The idea to relate my TV-buying experiences in scriptural language occurred to me when the phrase "desirous that I should obtain an HDTV" popped into my head unbidden. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made to use archaic language to tell of brick-and-mortar electronics stores becoming obsolete. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that writing in this style is a total pain. Remind me not to do it again.

The TV I got is a Panasonic Viera 46-inch 1080p plasma HDTV. It enables me to see every crag on Sam Waterston's face. My experiences at Circuit City, Best Buy, Video Only, and Amazon.com all occurred as described herein, though obviously I translated the dialogue into King James English. I knew I was through with Best Buy when the girl didn't know what Amazon.com was.

SnideCast intro & outro: "Technologic," by Daft Punk.

This item has 50 comments

The eBay DJ says:
January 12, 2009 at 2:07 am
You would be interested to know that most of the merchandise sold on Amazon.com (outside of the Books/DVDs/CDs categories) does not even come from Amazon. It is actually sold by many many individual sellers (who also sell on eBay) but who hide behind the Amazon name.

Being in the industry, I sell the exact same product on eBay and Amazon, but I can sell it for more money on Amazon because people think they are buying from Amazon (when it really comes right from me). Quite devious really. :)
N. says:
January 12, 2009 at 2:50 am
I lovest thine columns. Yea, verily-- yea.
OMAllen says:
January 12, 2009 at 5:45 am
That was AWESOME!
Speeding Slowly says:
January 12, 2009 at 6:58 am
Haha awesome, and very true. You got yourself a good television. I will say though, after working in the kingdom of TV repair and seen the many woes which potentially befall new televisions of all kinds and brands and the ridiculous standard cost to even look at them (let alone fix them); I never buy a tv without a warranty that cover parts and labor anymore. It's one of the few things that I buy with a warranty- well ok, the only thing. The new televisions just have more things that can go wrong with them, tis the price for a better picture and bigger screens.
Ro Ro says:
January 12, 2009 at 8:04 am
"Tooliness." Fantastic.
Byrd Brain says:
January 12, 2009 at 8:46 am
I was laughing non-stop while reading this one. Well done, Eric. "And I did know that verily, this man worketh on commission." Laugh out loud!
Tyler! says:
January 12, 2009 at 8:47 am
What a fantastic and hilarious indictment of bloated and outdated economic models. For, behold, the expensiveness and waste thereof is exceedingly great!
dc says:
January 12, 2009 at 8:52 am
Upon reading of the Snide Remarks, hilarity spread throughout the land. And great was the hilarity thereof.
john doe says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:05 am
Awesome article. Also, if Eric used a credit card to buy the tv he won't need a warranty (within reason). Most credit cards "insure" items purchased with the credit card (check your credit card for details) for some time beyond the manufacturer warranty. So the Best Buy and Circuit City warranties are huge scams.

Did I mention this article was awesome?
Lulu says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:35 am
"it did now befit the lifestyle of a hillbilly."

Love it! Thanks, Eric.
Steve says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:42 am
My Christmas present to me (and my wife, who apparently wanted one more than I did) was a 42-inch Vizio 1080p LCD TV. I settled for 42-inch because my only requirement for size was that the vertical measurement of the screen could not be less than the vertical measurement of the 27" tube that it was replacing. (It's a good thing I'm an engineer, so I could translate diagonal measurements between widescreen and non-widescreen aspect ratios)

What I learned is that plasma TVs are not sold where I live, because at 6000 feet above sea level, they hum real loud. I suggested to a friend that they could sell pressurized plasma TVs here, but he pointed out that they would explode if you dropped them.
Aaron says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:59 am
Hah! I did the same thing -- just before Christmas, we bought a new HDTV for the impending death of analog transmission. It was smaller and of lesser quality than Eric's, but that didn't stop some a-hole from kicking in my front door and taking it while we were out of town. Merry effing Christmas, everyone!

And Steve just confirmed to me what I have always suspected: engineers are total wieners. I'm glad you've managed to employ your many years of post-secondary education in applying eighth-grade geometry.
Turkey says:
January 12, 2009 at 10:45 am
"Behold, that is how they gettest thee." Ha! Great column. Obviously a pain in the butt to do, but unlike the music-answers column, the time you put in really paid off (but without actual money). Thanks for the extra effort on this one.
cannonkid says:
January 12, 2009 at 11:06 am
loved the column today! HIlarious. I too purchased my HDTV on the internet because it was way cheaper and was shipped for free. No problems. Wo be unto those that pay more.
Zimbo says:
January 12, 2009 at 11:27 am
The Book-of-Mormon-speak got a little tedious IMO after a few paragraphs, but it was funny nonetheless. Thanks for the write-up. I don't see how BB and CC will stay in business over the long haul, especially when Sams Club and BJs Warehouse stores now sell HDTVs.
Fubecao says:
January 12, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Funniest Snide Remarks in a long time! Thank you!

But I'm surprised that a grammar Nazi like yourself, Eric, committed so many grammatical errors. Sure, "That is how they getteth thee" is very funny, but "getteth" is not the proper conjugation for the third-person plural. I'm just sayin'.
Pappy Yokum says:
January 12, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I'm just sayin' that this was a great article. Thanks for taking the time to do it in scripture speak. And, are you absolutely sure it isn't blasphemy for a man to own an HDTV and not watch sports on it? That part was just too funny!
Brennon says:
January 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Yea, verily, great is the mirth that this column bringeth me and joyous the joy therein! :-)
mpb says:
January 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Eric, please do me a favor and only watch movies on your new television with Blu-Ray or an (incredibly inexpensive) upconverting DVD player, attached with an HDMI cable. Please, please, please. I can barely contain my rage when people have purchased a beautiful television, only to watch movies in 480. The film geek in me wisheth to make this the 11th commandment.
Natasha says:
January 12, 2009 at 5:15 pm
While obscenely long, this was very funny especially the part about the sales lady living in the year of our Lord one thousand, nine hundred and ninty-four. Sheesh. Amazon, Woman! (Heh, heh. Get it?)

Is there a correlation between me not reading my scriptures enough and me not getting through this whole post? Hmmm.

Fubecao: That's why it's funny. ;-)
Jenn says:
January 12, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Oh Steve, you have my condolences on purchasing a Vizio. I work in the claims department of Wal-Mart & I can tell you that the number one tv that comes back for defect issues is the Vizio. Don't buy a Vizio from Wal-Mart, because when they are defective, Vizio makes us send them back to them to refurbish & then they send them back to the stores to resell. Panasonics are pretty good...we don't get them back very often & when we do, it's usually because the tool who purchased it, dropped it & broke the screen. So of course we refunded them their money, because they broke their tvs......sorry, just bitter because there's no bonus this quarter.
Invisible Swordsman says:
January 12, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Fantastic entry, Eric. That's a lot of commitment to stick to the same writing style through an entire column. If I ever get around to putting a band together, I'm calling it "Great was the tooliness of Kevin."
Momma Snider says:
January 12, 2009 at 7:21 pm
That was funny, bro!
David Garcia says:
January 12, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Amen.
Lady Celtic says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:03 pm
That was a most fabulous column, Eric. Many thanks to you for the enjoyment I did receive.
Kaydria says:
January 12, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Favorite. I laughed out loud throughout the entire thing.
Sarah says:
January 12, 2009 at 10:16 pm
For some reason, I've always found modern events written in King James English to be comedy gold. Cracks me up every time.

Thanks, Eric!
Steve says:
January 13, 2009 at 8:34 am
To Jenn (#21) So far I have had no troubles at all with my Vizio. Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones? Do you know what the average time is between the purchase and return of defective Vizios? Also do they generally have the same defect or is it all over the map?

To mpb (#19) Are you saying that incredibly expensive upconverting DVD players actually do a good job of imitating a 1080p-quality picture? I have a cheap upconverting DVD player, and I could not really tell a difference between the upconverted picture and the standard picture. Anyway, here are a few things to keep in mind concerning your proposed 11th commandment.

First, it is true that a standard DVD does not look as good as a blu-ray disc. The Best Buy near my home has a display with two identical TVs next to each other, each playing the same movie (Iron Man), but one TV is connected to a DVD player, while the other is connected to a blu-ray player. The difference is staggering. However, keep in mind that in my particular case, I have just replaced a 27-inch tube TV, and my DVDs show more detail on my HDTV than they ever did on the old TV (thanks to the anamorphic widescreen formatting scheme).

Second, if I decided to never watch anything but blu-ray on my new TV, I would have to figure out what to do with my collection of over 200 DVDs, which represents a substantial investment. Add to that the fact that there is still a nontrivial price difference between DVDs and blu-ray discs, so that when purchasing a new movie I have to decide if this particular film is worth paying the extra to see it in true hi-def. I maintain that some films are good enough to be worth owning, while still not good enough to pay extra for a hi-def version (especially older films for which no high quality source exists).

to Aaron (#12) My condolences on the theft of your new TV. That is terrible. Concerning my wiener-ness, it is possible that the sarcasm I intended in the second parenthetical statement in post #11 did not come through, having been written rather than spoken. I am not saying that I am not a wiener, only that you don't know me well enough to make that judgment.
mpb says:
January 13, 2009 at 10:03 am
Steve, your comment left me a bit confused, but if you go back and read my comment, I said "IN"-expensive upconverting DVD players. You can get one for like $40. If you're like me, and not ready to spring for a Blu-Ray player, a cheap upconverting DVD player fares incredibly well. My point to Eric was that he shouldn't overlook the importance of watching movies on his television in 1080p, no matter how you get it (Blu-Ray or upconverted DVD). 1080p from an upconversion, through HDMI, still blows away regular 480p through RCA cables, in my experience. In fact, if forced to watch 480, I'd rather watch it on an old tube TV instead of an HDTV since the HDTV creates a lot of image noise when showing 480 that the tube doesn't. But I guess mileage may vary on that, as seems to be the case with your experience.

Also, at no point was I suggesting that anyone exclusively watch Blu-Ray discs. That would be insane, given the limited availability of titles--especially foreign and older films. I believe most Blu-Ray players now on the market will upconvert DVDs anyway. So if you decided to go exclusively with a Blu-Ray player you would still get a lot of great mileage out of your DVD collection and only need the one player.

Finally, something tells me I am perpetuating the exact kind of discussion Eric wished to avoid in this thread...
AWOL says:
January 13, 2009 at 11:04 am
I got a steal on my HDTV. I bought a floor model 50" Panasonic for $1,000. About a month after I bought the thing it broke. It was under warranty but they couldn't fix itso as an apology Panasonic offered to upgrade me for another $300. Now I have a 62" HDTV brand new and it only cost me $1,300
corned_beef says:
January 13, 2009 at 1:32 pm
"Verily, this man worketh on commission"

LOL
Steve says:
January 13, 2009 at 3:18 pm
mpb, I completely missed that you had said inexpensive rather than expensive. My apologies. Also, I have twisted your plea to at least use an up-converter for DVDs into a plea to avoid DVDs altogether. Looking back, I don't see how I made that leap.

My particular up-converting DVD player (Philips brand, $40) adds red dots to the right side of the screen when using the upconverted output over HDMI. Were it not for this, I would still use the up-converted output regardless of how minimal the picture improvement was. For now, I watch DVDs using the component video RCA connection. Perhaps when I eventually obtain a blu-ray player it will have a better up-converter (and right now my only criterion for better is one that does not add red dots to the screen).
Paul says:
January 13, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I believe the land of Best Buy now has that same television on sale for $999.99. That's why I hate shopping for these things. I've always wanted to upgrade to an HD TV (and I'm in the market right now), but I am always afraid that I'm going to buy too soon and miss out on a better deal.
TashaKay says:
January 13, 2009 at 5:40 pm
HDTVs are awesome. They make TV watching so much more enjoyable. But I totally agree with #4 -- it's the only thing I actually buy the warranty with. Good thing, too, since our 62-inch Samsung died after about a year or so and was in the shop for over TWO MONTHS. (That was through RC Willey's warranty department, just as a heads-up.)
Jenn says:
January 13, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Steve, it's usually a picture problem & it's within the first 30 days of purchase that the Vizios come back. If it isn't the picture, it's the sound & those seem to be the two main problems.
Laremy says:
January 13, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Why not go with "The Bay of E" there?

100% perfect other than that though.
Dale D says:
January 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Oh, Eric, thou hast made my day! For verily, I couldst not stop reading until I had perused thy column to its very conclusion!

Awn thee subjective rite ting an none family year sty all, yew shoe wood tar eye due wing get twit as treeing off wards prove vie ding phone at tics own lee. At tease say reel chill lunge.

DaleD
AdamOndi says:
January 14, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I enjoyed the column greatly. However, Eric, I implore you with every fiber of my being to make sure that you are watching HD programming on that beautiful HDTV. Whether it be Blu-Ray movies (which are stinking gorgeous), or actual HD programming over the air or via cable, please just make sure that you are getting actual HD signals displayed on the screen. Please don't be like my parents, who bought a 46" HDTV and then wondered why their non-HD cable looked "so blurry if it was such a nice TV." I had to introduce them to HD programming and made them get a TiVo HD. The difference is truly staggering, especially on those big flat screen sets.
pizzatheface says:
January 15, 2009 at 10:18 am
Now for Blu-Ray. That's where it's at, and a major reason why I spent my money on a PS3 instead of an Xbox 360. (Might as well get a Blu-Ray player that plays games, too.)
Aaron says:
January 15, 2009 at 10:50 am
Re: Steve (#28)

Alright, fair enough. If I take your comment taken as sarcastic it's pretty funny. I apologize for jumping straight to the wiener accusation. I'll blame my outburst on the fact that I'm still bitter about the theft of my cheap, off-brand, but still brand-new television. That and the fact that I hate engineers. :D
UncleX says:
January 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Sorry I didn't see this until this late in the week. Now all the superlative adjectives are taken up. Except for superlative. Anyway it was a boisterously merry piece of work!
Jacob says:
January 16, 2009 at 10:19 am
I think "young maiden geek" is one of my favorite Sniderisms.
Lane says:
January 16, 2009 at 2:30 pm
And now Circuit City is going out of business. Good job, jerk. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_on_bi_ge/circuit_city_bankruptcy_14

On the plus side, maybe they'll have some good deals on their way out!
Sparky says:
January 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Yeah, your failure to pay the extra $300 and buy the TV from Circuit City caused their bankruptcy single handedly.

This article was great; I laughed 'til I stopped.
SDR says:
January 18, 2009 at 12:27 am
1. I like the scripture speak. I use it as often as possible (which isn't all that often ... once in an email and occasionally in conversation for a chuckle.)

2. I bought my HDTV at CC just during the post-Thanksgiving sales. First time I've ever seen a good deal at CC or BB or their ilk. Turned down the extended warranty. Boy am I glad I did. I'd be glad regardless, but even more so now.
SDR says:
January 18, 2009 at 12:31 am
Oh, it wasn't an email, it was a post on the Eric's phpbb forums (back when he had them, that is, before they migrated to Jeff). Mind you, Eric's usage is much better. Maybe I was able to make some small contribution by writing it back then and letting it fester, er, incubate in Eric's subconscious for years. Because, of course, I'm the only one in the world to have ever done that since the original scriptural authors and before Eric.

Yeah, that's the ticket.
INTJ Mom says:
January 19, 2009 at 12:09 pm
This was hilarious. Great BOM parody, IMO.
Mark says:
February 6, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Great story, but no mention that the brick and mortar buildings are in fact GREAT & SPACIOUS BUILDINGS ?!?
antimatterspork says:
February 14, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You know it's "woe", not "wo", right? (unless that's some sort of bizarre mormon thing I guess)
AncientTelevisionProphet says:
April 23, 2009 at 9:50 am
I always check out Costco. Their return/replacement policy has been great. I won't buy a big TV from anywhere where if there's a dead pixel, or stuck-on pixel, or other defects, returning/replacing it is too difficult. Costco makes that easy. And when I found the TV I wanted and DID check the Internets, Costco's price was still among the best (and shipping included, WAS the best). I'm just sayin'.

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Eric D. Snider