The Oaf of Office

Snide Remarks #607

"The Oaf of Office"

by Eric D. Snider

Published in EricDSnider.com on February 2, 2009

Many of our elected officials have been having trouble lately. Not Barack Obama, of course, who began to excrete rainbows and lollipops the moment he was sworn in (the second time), but others. A brief rundown:

- New York governor David Paterson struggled for several weeks to fill Hillary Clinton's seat in the U.S. senate, possibly because he was terrified by the image implied by the words "fill Hillary Clinton's seat." At first he thought he could just give it to the first person he met who happened to have the last name Kennedy, but that didn't pan out, and he finally went with someone I hadn't heard of whose name I don't feel like looking up. Kind of anti-climactic, really.

- Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell Barack Obama's vacated senate seat to the highest bidder, then was alarmed to discover that this is illegal, even in Illinois, where political corruption is so ingrained that even Mexico looks askance at it. Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges in December, and was impeached and removed from office by the Illinois legislature in January. His hair is comical, his name is unpronounceable -- how did this man ever get elected in the first place, not to mention re-elected? Nothing against the people of Illinois, but the people of Illinois are stupid.

- Newly elected Portland mayor Sam Adams denied charges during the campaign that he'd had a sexual relationship with a young intern, calling the allegations a despicable smear tactic by his opponents. But now, safely elected and sworn into office -- and only after being confronted with abundant evidence -- Adams has admitted that, yeah, he and the teenage boy had an affair, but not until after he had turned 18. Oh, but they did kiss a couple times when he was still 17. But nothing more than that! So everything is legal, technically, but still creepy, since Adams was in his early 40s at the time. Also, maybe he's lying about not doin' it until after the kid was 18, which would make it illegal after all. Also, the young man's name is Beau Breedlove, which doesn't help matters.

Sure, you're saying, you already knew all this. WHAT ABOUT IT? Well, shut up a minute and I'll tell you! Ugh, I'm so sick of you. The point is, I don't know why any normal person would want to be an elected official. There's too much scrutiny, too much pressure, too many people eager to see you fail, and too many opportunities to do so.

The problem is that politics tends to attract a lot of self-serving narcissists, people with inflated views of their own competence and delusions about how much they're allowed to get away with. You can hear it in the disgraced Illinois governor's continued denials that he did anything wrong, even though everyone knows he did. "The rules don't apply to me!" he seems to say. "I'm Rod Blabloigblablich!"

Likewise, Sam Adams thinks -- and he seems to honestly believe this -- that since he's come clean about what happened four years ago with that intern, it doesn't matter that he lied throughout the campaign, smeared the reputation of his accuser, and is now officially a Creepy Guy. (Being a Creepy Guy is not against the law, but it is something voters would like to know before they cast their ballots, not after.) He also hired a newspaper reporter onto his staff, to a position she wasn't qualified for, possibly to stop her from investigating him. Yet now he says, "Let's put all this behind us! I just wanna be mayor! You people need to quit obsessing over this huge mess that I made!"

Then there's poor David Paterson. He is by all accounts unqualified to be a governor and only became one after New York's elected leader, Eliot Spitzer, had to resign in the wake of a prostitution scandal, and Paterson happened to be next in line. He didn't want to be governor. He might not even know that he IS governor.

And that's what got me to thinking. So many of the people who enter politics as a career are ruthless, amoral schemers, to the point where just wanting to be elected should almost disqualify you from running. If you want the job, you shouldn't be allowed to have it. What we need are people who have the right skills -- intelligence, natural leadership, good business sense -- but without the egotism and arrogance. What we need is a draft.

There might be some constitutional issues with this, but hear me out. First, we get rid of the Constitution. Well, just the parts about elections. The rest can stay. Then, instead of letting people decide on their own to run for office, we choose them. We find someone who's done a terrific job of running a business or organization, someone who would be a trustworthy, competent leader, someone who -- and this is the important thing -- has never expressed any desire to be a politician, and we force that person into office. He wouldn't have any choice.

How we would enforce that, I'm not sure. I'm thinking if we threaten to kill his family, that would do the trick. Again, there might be some constitutional issues that need to be ironed out. For example, would his family be allowed to stay with him while he served out his term, or would we have to keep them imprisoned somewhere to ensure his continued performance? But I'll leave questions like that to the legal scholars. I think I've done my part.

Comments & Reaction:

SnideCast intro & outro: "Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing," by Chris Isaak.

This item has 33 comments

Rob D. says:
February 2, 2009 at 4:22 am
Everyone in this "Snide Remarks" is a Democrat. There is still hope for you Eric!
OMAllen says:
February 2, 2009 at 7:12 am
Don't worry, Republicans will be propositioning for gay sex in bathrooms soon enough.
Cameron says:
February 2, 2009 at 8:23 am
Eric, judging by the last paragraphs, you've been watching 24 again. Isn't it great?!

Oh, and I like the, "Nothing against the people of Illinois" bit. I roll my eyes whenever I hear, "No offense, but ..." - which is usually followed by an offensive insult.
Lane says:
February 2, 2009 at 8:43 am
So Obama may be perfect in every way, but haven't we now had TWO of the people chosen for his administration who, turns out, haven't been paying their taxes? I suppose tax hikes are an easy choice for Dems if they know it's only the wealthy REPUBLICANS that are being affected.
ElwoodCity says:
February 2, 2009 at 9:13 am
I was in Illinois during the Blagojevich elections. He won the first time because his opponent had been part of a great scandal previously, and Rod hadn't yet. He won the second time because crooked incumbents always win. Mostly, though, the people of Illinois didn't have much to chose from, so they figured go with someone named Blagojevich for novelty's sake. When I heard he was indicted, I was NOT surprised.
Jason says:
February 2, 2009 at 9:17 am
Eric, great column. I wholeheartedly distrust anyone who even wants to go into politics because I just assume they are a raging narcissist and/or megalomaniac. I feel like it turns into an exercise of adverse selection (similar to the reality show Survivor, except with less clothes and civility). I like the draft idea--can we get Jack Bauer to enforce it?
Lohengrin says:
February 2, 2009 at 9:23 am
I will need to use the phrase "excrete rainbows and lolipops" in my daily conversation.

Great column.
Eric the Non-Snyder says:
February 2, 2009 at 9:40 am
Did you know that the Hitchhikers Guid the the Universe states that the people best qualify to lead are the ones who don't want to? You've got a certified guide backing you up here!
Edgar Lipsey says:
February 2, 2009 at 10:03 am
Great Snide Remarks, though it would have been better in scripture verse.
Brett says:
February 2, 2009 at 10:20 am
Normally I don't appreciate it when you finish your articles by getting serious and offering real solutions. But, in this case, I think you've absolutely stumbled upon the best way to fix our country's political system. Nicely done.
Christina D says:
February 2, 2009 at 10:59 am
This a good SR. :) I agree with your solution though, actually, I think it would be a great idea! And then we wouldn't have to watch those lame campaign commercials anymore either. YES!
Illinois Resident says:
February 2, 2009 at 11:36 am
Finally someone has the courage to call the Illinois people what they are!!!!!
Shelby says:
February 2, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Sorta like jury duty. Nobody really wants to do it, but most of us recognize it as our civic duty. I like the idea.
Turkey says:
February 2, 2009 at 1:09 pm
That happened to my brother, actually. He was on a BSA camping trip when his wife nominated him to run for public office and his friends seconded the motion at a Republican Convention. When he got back he couldn't figure out what everyone was congratulating him for. He finally decided to run anyway because he thought he could help after all. He lost to the idiot incumbent. Doesn't always work.

"Ugh, I'm so sick of you." That made me smile.
Laylabean says:
February 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I used to think that's exactly how the political system worked and it was only a matter of time before my dad would be made the president. I floated this theory to him one day and was shocked that he was horrified by the idea.

He would be an awesome president, BTW, aside from the whole not wanting the job thing (and possibly deciding to attend important functions in bib overalls). See? A draft - great idea. Can I pick which of my siblings you get to hold hostage?
GWGumby says:
February 2, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Yeah, they pretty much need to adopt the Mormon method of calling everyone to political office. That would have the added benefit of make voting much easier. We are given a list of people who've been called to political office and raise our hand if we wish to sustain their calling.
Savvy Veteran says:
February 2, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Very funny. I would definitely support a measure such as this.

Oh, and P.S.-GoogleAd on the side of the column: "'Barack the Magic Negro': Offensive?"
Courtney says:
February 2, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Well... I liked it. But i don't think that carrys much weight, since i am known to like random things. Like purple cows, and such. I think that sometime there should be a column written in old english. I love it when stuff is written like that it's like, You vex me so. translated into I don't like you, you are a jerk. it's great fun.
Clearly Departed says:
February 2, 2009 at 4:41 pm
The draft is a good idea, but we don't need better politicians, we need WORSE politicians. What I mean is we need politicians who are so incompetent they can't get anything done, and by "anything" I mean absolutely nuthin'. If our politicians could just create endless gridlock and stop passing laws and regulations and such then maybe the rest of us could get on with our lives.
Carrie says:
February 2, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Let's also not forget Republicans who prey on 15-y.o. House pages.
Peon says:
February 2, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Why do you think so many politicians have affairs? It is just another way for them to stroke their giant egos--"Hey, I have power and chicks dig power."

It is sad that the ones who really want to help get trounced. Jimmy Carter, anyone? Or they just don't run.
Steve Stay says:
February 2, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Isn't that system what they used to get George Washington into the White House?
Carrie says:
February 2, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Courtney reminds me of Corky St.Clair in "Waiting for Guffman" when he said, "It's like in the olden days, in the... days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves... say, y'know... 'D'Artagnan!'... y'know, 'how dare you talk to me like that, you!,' and... smack 'em!"
Cheri says:
February 2, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I think there was a Tom Clancy book where this happened. When Jack became president because the president and all of congress were killed, he recruited all sorts of competent people who didn't want the job and fixed things. Ah for a Tom Clancy world; Peace in the Middle East, and a president who doesn't want to be president.
Kaydria says:
February 2, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Isn't this the plot to Gladiator?
Ampersand says:
February 3, 2009 at 12:17 am
About the only good thing that came out of the Illinois scandal was that I learned how to pronounce Blagojevich's name correctly. It's bluh-GOY-uh-vich. Of course, fat lot of good it'll do me now that he's been thrown out on his keister...
Lilly says:
February 3, 2009 at 3:33 am
You could never promote honest, successful people because there would be noone to tax/rule(screw) over. It's like the people at work who do their jobs well never get promoted because then noone would be left to do the vacated job, so the imbecile get the promotion and the hard working people get extra work.
Rob D. says:
February 4, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I don't want to accuse Sean Hannity of personally stealing from you (since I'm a fan of his)........but one of his writers probably reads your blog. They owe you an apology! On Tuesday's Hannity tv show, one of the segments was called "The Oaf of Office" Can that be a coincidence?
Blank Frank says:
February 7, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Didn't some old Greek say something about those who would be best-suited to wield power never want to, or those who seek it the most deserve it the least, or something to the effect?
Kansas Tara says:
February 10, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Yeah, Blank Frank, the Athenians did believe that, and they did pretty much what Eric suggests (without imprisoning the family, but women were pretty much confined anyhow so there's half the trouble gone). They went further - after their drafted-year-in-office, politicians would be subject to a hearing about whether they had done a good job or not, in a procedure that translates roughly as "reckoning." Good stuff, Athenian democracy. Check it out in Aristotle's "Constitution of the Athenians."

Those Athenians...archaeologists are still finding the petrified rainbows *they* excreted.
hecowe says:
February 13, 2009 at 12:43 am
#20 Carrie

Sorry, Carrie -- Barney Frank (D-Mass) had his own gay page scandal -- that cancels out the Republican gay page scandal of 2006. Strangely, Barney is still in Congress and continues to mangle our country's finances while serving on the House banking committee.
Global Warming says:
February 28, 2009 at 1:39 pm
So, basically you want an active electoral college, as envisioned by the Constitution?
oliver says:
April 1, 2009 at 4:56 am
The last few paragraphs remind me of this conversation:

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

This work may not be transmitted via the Internet, nor reproduced in any other way, without written consent from Eric D. Snider.

Eric D. Snider