Angry Letter: Crimes against Amanda Bynes shall not go unpunished
We have a very special angry letter to discuss today. It comes from Robert Mackey, a 40-something who runs “Amanda Bynes NOW!,” a Web site obsessively devoted to the 20-year-old actress.
If the name Robert Mackey rings a bell, it’s because he has written two previous angry letters. The first came when I reviewed Amanda Bynes’ film “She’s the Man” and described it (and I’m paraphrasing here) as a putrescent, horrifically unfunny comedy made all the worse by Bynes’ embarrassing performance.
A few months later, I reviewed Lindsay Lohan’s “Just My Luck” and mentioned that it was the worst movie I’d seen since, well, “She’s the Man.” This struck Robert Mackey as an unjustified attack on his beloved Amanda Bynes, so he wrote me again to say so.
Well, then the DVD of Lohan’s “Just My Luck” came out, and I screened it for DVD Talk. The “movie review” portion of the DVD review was essentially the same as the theatrical review had been, including the Amanda Bynes reference. Obviously, Robert Mackey could not let this grievance pass unremarked. He sent me this e-mail:
I read your review of “Just My Luck,” and in the future, leave “She’s the Man” out of it. Again, you have this problem that Amanda Bynes is a punchline whenever you need to refer to a bad movie. You review films and DVDs on their own merits, don’t you?
In the future, when you hate a movie, just speak your piece, allow me to slam you for it, and move on to the next thing. Kapiche, a-hole?
Now, before we go any further, I urge you to look over Mackey’s previous e-mails, and to peruse his site, too. It really is a hilarious site. His devotion to Amanda Bynes is impressive in its fervency and creepiness. What’s more, he HATES anyone in Bynes’ demographic, seeing them all as competition. Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Hilary Duff — all grievously untalented trainwrecks in Mackey’s view. Amanda Bynes is the only teen queen worthy of adoration!
He also hates the TV show “Ghost Whisperer” and its star, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Why? Because it was on at the same time as Bynes’ “What I Like About You” last season, and its vastly superior ratings were, in Mackey’s estimation, one of the reasons “What I Like About You” got canceled. Somehow, that means “Ghost Whisperer” must be a terrible, evil show, and Jennifer Love Hewitt the spawn of Satan himself.
Oh, and when teen- or TV-focused magazines have someone on the cover who is not Amanda Bynes, they have exercised terribly poor judgment. When they have someone like Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff on the cover, you can practically feel Mackey’s rage surging across the Internet.
Anyway, upon receiving this latest angry e-mail from him, I replied with this:
Hooray! I was hoping for another e-mail from the crazy Amanda Bynes-obsessed middle-aged man!
As I was editing my theatrical review of “Just My Luck” for the DVD review, I noticed the Bynes reference (which you chided me for back in May, too). I thought: If I leave this in, will it elicit another response from creepy ol’ Robert Mackey? And sure enough, you did not disappoint me. I thank you for that.
“She’s the Man” is the worst movie I’ve seen all year (followed just barely by “Just My Luck”), and Bynes’ goggle-eyed performance is one of the worst things about it. It is only natural, then, that I should refer to it when the subject of awful movies arises. If your odd, disquieting love for Bynes is so vast that you cannot fathom such a reaction to her work, then I would say that is your problem, not mine.
Here’s to more petty and childish obsessions with teen queens!
Eric
He did not reply. Indeed, though I have replied every time he has e-mailed me, he has never replied back.
October 25th, 2006 at 6:40 am
Well, it’s a done deal. I now absolutely must rent She’s the Man and Just My Luck and watch them back-to-back in a single beer-and-pizza-fueled sitting. All that remains is to determine which one I watch first. Recommendations welcome…
October 25th, 2006 at 7:14 am
Nice threat there. “Leave ‘She’s the Man’ out of it… Kapiche, a-hole?”
Do what I say! I have mafia connections — hence my use of the word “capiche”!
He’d be a more convincing mafioso if he didn’t type the word “a-hole”.
Sorta like the ol’ Gary Larson cartoon of the devil overhearing the other devils, and shouting, “I heard that! A wimp, am I? Well to heck with you! To heck with all of you!”
October 25th, 2006 at 7:26 am
Ms. Bynes’ work is pathetic. I have not been subjected to her work since her movie about her having a rich Brit for a dad that doesn’t merit me looking it up.
Judging from your reviews, she has gotten worse as she matured, not better.
And Mr. Mackey is a GEM. He sound like the kind of person who calls women ‘broads’ and whose idea of winning an argument is to say ‘F you’ and throw something. Hopefully you’ll meet him in person one day because Snide Remarks will truly be wonderful the following Monday (that is if you survive the meeting.)
October 25th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Well, I think Amanda Bynes is cute. That doesn’t mean the show or movies she’s been in were high quality, of course. And I think in a lot of cases what appears to be bad acting is more bad directing. I mean, a movie like “She’s the Man” had to be intentionally bad, didn’t it? Please say yes.
Robert Mackey’s angry letters are fun. I don’t like most of the angry letters Eric gets, but this guy’s crazy enough that I don’t take them personally. His website is creepy, though.
October 25th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
I shudder to think of how Robert Mackey fills his lonely nights, with only pictures of Amanda Bynes adorning his walls…
October 25th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Eww
October 25th, 2006 at 7:05 pm
Does Robert Mackey also hate Raven-Symone? Would HE have her address?
October 26th, 2006 at 7:21 pm
Hooray! I wasn’t exactly yearning to know if Robert Mackey would ever reappear, but it’s certainly fun to see he’s still active and obsessed (and immature) as ever. What a delightfully funny response!
Actually, it’s entertaining whenever anybody who’s written a pointlessly angry letter writes yet again. The replies are always great, and well-deserved by the writer, too.
October 28th, 2006 at 7:43 am
This Mackey fella sure is creepy… I wonder what will happen in the not so distant future when Amanda Bynes will reject his ever-growing affection and (most probably) offer of marriage…? My guess is he will turn into one of those murderously obsessed stalkers/psychos and this will all end in tragedy. I’ll bet on it.
So run, Amanda, RUN!
November 2nd, 2006 at 3:42 am
In a few years, you’ll probably be asked to testify in this man’s stalking case.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:51 pm
The Ghost Whisperer is evil only because it encouraged CBS to yank Joan of Arcadia. Which doesn’t mean I don’t watch it…
November 14th, 2006 at 7:28 am
Eric… please keep “She’s the Man” as your godawful movie benchmark. We have to keep hearing from this guy…
Kapiche A-hole!
November 14th, 2006 at 7:29 am
UPDATE! amandabynesnow.com is now vacant. It can be yours!
September 26th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
For future reference, not that any of you care, but it bugs me so I get to write about it: the word is “capisci” which is the familiar “you” (singular) conjugation of the word capire, Italian for “to understand”. “Capisce” is the second person singular formal or the third person conjugation if you want to get technical. Either way, the last syllable is pronounced (”capeeshee”/”capeeshay”).
If you’re going for phonetic spelling for mafioso effect, I suggest “capeesh”. That way, it’s clearly for effect, and not just looking silly.