Eric's Bad Movies

Weekly columns written 2008-2014 for Film.com and GeekNation. The point was to be funny rather than fair, and they're full of spoilers, so I don't consider them "reviews." What do I consider them? Delightful. (I'm posting them -- all 252 -- in the order I wrote them, newest on top.)

Eric's Bad Movies

Weekly columns written 2008-2014 for Film.com and GeekNation. The point was to be funny rather than fair, and they're full of spoilers, so I don't consider them "reviews." What do I consider them? Delightful. (I'm posting them -- all 252 -- in the order I wrote them, newest on top.)

Standing Ovation

I almost feel bad making fun of "Standing Ovation." Not that it isn't terrible. It is terrible. Sweet merciful mangos, is it ever terrible. It's about a bunch of screeching New Jersey tween girls who ...

Hunk

There is an actor you have not heard of named John Allen Nelson who appeared in the TV soap operas "Loving" and "Santa Barbara" in the early 1980s, playing such men as Duke Rochelle and Warren Lockrid...

Under the Cherry Moon

Prince's 1984 film "Purple Rain" was successful with audiences and critics because they accepted it for what it was: a 110-minute music video featuring music they liked. It didn't matter that the stor...

Steel Dawn

One of our favorite pastimes is imagining what things will be like after the inevitable breakdown of society and the annihilation of most of the world's population. It is fun to speculate about our do...

The Net

One of the things Hollywood is really good at is rushing movies into production to capitalize on hot new trends. In the late 1970s, for example, there were tons of movies about disco. The 1950s had a ...

Body of Evidence

Pop superstar Madonna has always been more interested in maintaining a provocative image than in singing songs or using her real accent, but her emphasis on sex became especially pronounced in the ear...

Roller Boogie

In the past, when people have asked for suggestions of movies they should watch to satisfy their cravings for roller-skating, disco, bony teenagers, and the girl from "The Exorcist," I've been at a lo...

The Gate

One of the reasons for those "call before you dig" signs is to keep people from inadvertently cutting through power lines, but the main reason is to keep people from accidentally opening portals to he...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Within the category of adolescent reptilian comic book characters who are horrifying freaks of nature and skilled in ancient fighting arts, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are by far the most importa...

The Allnighter

I have nothing bad to say about The Bangles, the '80s rock group that consisted entirely of women and wasn't The Go-Go's. "Walk Like an Egyptian," "Manic Monday," and "Eternal Flame" are perfectly acc...

Molly

After being nominated for an Oscar for her performance in "Leaving Las Vegas," Elisabeth Shue called her agent and said, "Now is the time for me to play a retarded woman who falls in love with her bro...

Solar Crisis

"Solar Crisis" bravely assigns itself a plot with the highest possible stakes -- the destruction of every living thing on Earth! -- and addresses it by having a lot of men stand around a spaceship bri...

Happy Birthday to Me

Slasher films were all the rage in the early 1980s, probably because of the pent-up hostility left by Jimmy Carter and disco music. Some of the entries in the genre were scary and entertaining, like a...

Hercules in New York

Some of our younger readers might not be aware that Arnold Schwarzenegger, famed governor of California and impregnator of maids, was once a movie star. Yes! It may be hard to believe, given his trick...

Top Dog

When I heard that Chuck Norris had made a movie about a loose-cannon cop who gets partnered with a dog, I thought: Well, sure. They made a lot of cheesy movies like that in the 1980s. Then I found out...

Cyborg

What's that you say? You've got a brutally violent movie called "Cyborg" that stars famed oily Belgian Jean-Claude Van Damme? Count me in! I'd love to see Van Damme play a cyborg! Oh, he's not the cyb...

Butterfly (1982)

Give the people what they want! That is Hollywood's mantra. In 1982, what people wanted was a gross story about a teenage harlot using her feminine wiles to seduce her own father. Goodness knows why t...

Magic in the Water

Every year, Hollywood produces several hundred family-oriented movies about workaholic fathers who vow not to neglect their children anymore after something zany happens, often involving an animal. Th...

Furry Vengeance

Tragically, "Furry Vengeance" is not a movie in which people who derive sexual pleasure from dressing up as animals execute deadly revenge on their oppressors. I think we can all agree that such a mov...

Lost in Space

Remember your favorite science-fiction TV show from the 1960s? No, not "Star Trek" or "The Twilight Zone" or "The Outer Limits" or "The Time Tunnel" or "My Favorite Martian" or "The Jetsons" or "It's ...

Freejack

Remember Emilio Estevez? Where has that guy been? If "Freejack" is any indication, he may have disappeared because he went to the future to have Anthony Hopkins' brain put in him! (That is probably no...

Hawk the Slayer

"Hawk the Slayer" begins with the following title card: "This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by a mighty Hero w...

Teen Wolf Too

Do you remember how you felt in the summer of 1985? I can tell you. You had Michael J. Fox Fever! (Unless you were not alive.) He was the breakout star of "Family Ties," a top-10 TV show about a dog n...

Thrashin’

Skateboarding was invented in the 1960s, when surfers got bored with endangering the lives of swimmers and decided to start annoying pedestrians, too. Soon, no matter where you went in California, whe...

Cutthroat Island

If you're Renny Harlin, the problem with being married to Geena Davis is that she might suggest you direct a pirate movie starring her as the lead pirate. If you're Geena Davis, the problem with being...

Bats

A lot of people find bats creepy, not just because they turn into Draculas, but also because they are basically rats that learned how to fly. So it's surprising that bats have been the subject of so f...

Above the Law

People who have watched Steven Seagal movies -- "victims," as they are known -- have often wondered how the humorless, dough-faced goon managed to make so many films when nearly all of them were terri...

Can’t Stop the Music

You probably know the Village People as a popular Halloween costume or the punchline to a joke, but there was a time in American history when they were an actual group of recording artists who perform...

Johnny Mnemonic

"Johnny Mnemonic" presents a grim vision of the future. It is set in 2021, a time of unimaginable horrors in which corporations run America and people die in the streets while pharmaceutical companies...

Empire of the Ants

Bert I. Gordon is an American success story. He grew up during the Great Depression, and in Wisconsin, where everything is always a little more depressing. Then he made his way to Hollywood and became...

Invasion U.S.A.

One of our favorite pastimes in the 1980s was fantasizing about what would happen if Russia invaded us, and how awesome it would be to teach those Commie bastards a lesson. Thanks to hilarious comedie...

A*P*E

Today, South Korea is best known for two things: being the right answer when you're trying to remember which of the two Koreas isn't run by a lunatic, and producing bloody films about obsessed men see...

The Saint

You might think that stealing money for a living would be a fulfilling occupation, but no! No sir or madam! It is actually lonely and sad. Another thing that is lonely and sad is Val Kilmer. This is a...

Hocus Pocus

Children love Halloween! This has been proven by scientists. It stems from children's natural fondness for candy and evil. And you know what else children love? Bette Midler! The li'l tykes can't get ...

Bolero

When you think of creepy old men, the name John Derek should spring obscenely to the top of your mental list, like a peeping Tom springs from the bushes when illuminated by a police officer's flashlig...

Solarbabies

"Solarbabies" takes place in a post-apocalyptic world in which water is a scarce commodity, but no one in the movie ever gets very thirsty, not even when they have to walk across vast deserts. From an...

Buddy

"Buddy" is disappointing for a number of reasons, chief among them the fact that no one in it ever gets torn apart by an angry gorilla. Very few movies do feature such incidents, of course, and while ...

Fluke

Parents of small children are often stymied as they search for a movie to watch with the kids. You want something with cute puppies, sure. But you also want something that has dogs being shot by cruel...

Sssssss

What is it with mad scientists and animals? It seems like most mad-scientist-based movies (which comprise about 75 percent of all movies) focus on the crazy doctor's efforts to turn a person into an a...

Fortress

Christopher Lambert must lie awake at night and wonder, in French, why other men became action stars and he didn't. He's as stone-faced as Steven Seagal and as hard to understand as Jean-Claude Van Da...

Mr. Nanny

We used to have something in the United States called "professional wrestling," in which beefy men would fight each other publicly, using an array of fanciful maneuvers and following a scripted formul...

Only the Strong

Almost every movie about martial arts has focused on karate or kung fu. Meanwhile, enthusiasts of capoeira, the graceful system of fight-dancing from Brazil, are frustrated. "When will our peculiar me...

Godzilla (1998)

As far as I can tell, the 1998 American version of "Godzilla" is about a contest between the U.S. military and a giant monster to see who can destroy more of New York. And honestly, Godzilla is hardly...

Flowers in the Attic

There was once a very popular young-adult novel called "Flowers in the Attic," about a teenage brother and sister who get locked in their evil grandmother's attic for three years and have sex. There's...

DOA: Dead or Alive

Do you like it when attractive young women fight each other while wearing clothing that does not cover very much of their bodies? Do you imagine you could watch 85 minutes of this without getting tire...

Double Team

When you're an actor who's not very good at acting, one strategy you can use to camouflage your deficiencies is to find co-stars who are even worse than you are. It appears that oily European kickboxi...

3 Ninjas

You know how sometimes when you're a little kid you have a Japanese grandfather? And how sometimes he teaches you the art of ninja warfare, which you then use to defeat an international arms dealer? 3...

At the Earth’s Core

You know what I like? A bad movie that's cheerfully stupid. Well, maybe "like" is a strong word. I still prefer movies that aren't stupid at all. But if a movie HAS to be stupid -- and one could argue...

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Uwe Boll is a German filmmaker working almost exclusively in the fertile medium of terrible crap based on video games. Movie fans -- who generally refer to him by his full name, "that damn Uwe Boll" -...

Firestorm

At first I was hesitant to use "Firestorm" as a subject for this column because it stars former football player Howie Long, and I was pretty sure I already did a Howie Long movie, and I don't want to ...

Cool As Ice

Among the many obscure and demanding clauses in the typical recording contract is one that requires the performer, once he or she has sold a certain number of records, to star in an irredeemably crapp...

Wing Commander

There have now been a couple dozen terrible movies based on video games, but that wasn't the case in the late 1990s. Back then, there had only been a few terrible movies based on video games, so the i...

Babylon A.D.

Readers of a certain age might recall a time when Vin Diesel was poised to become the next major action star. He had a deep voice, and it was usually hard to understand what he was saying, and those a...

Piranha II: The Spawning

Is there a more fearsome aquatic creature than the piranha? Yes! The shark. And also the killer whale. And Ursula the sea witch. But after those three, the piranha is definitely the most fearsome aqua...

Conan the Destroyer

I didn't think that not having seen "Conan the Barbarian" would put me at a disadvantage when I watched its sequel, "Conan the Destroyer." Surely any plot threads left over from the first film would b...

976-EVIL

Before scientists discovered the Internet, the easiest way to get a stranger to talk dirty to you was to dial a special phone number that started with 1-900 or 976. Your phone bill would be charged $2...

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Do you love the music of The Beatles but wish you hated it? Then have I got the thing for you! The 1978 film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" accomplishes what many scholars believed was imposs...

Gooby

Canada is a magical, faraway land that few people have ever seen. Some scholars believe is mythical, like Narnia. The "Canadians," as they are known, have many fantastical customs, such as putting the...

Bangkok Dangerous

In 1999, a pair of Hong Kong-born twins, Danny and Oxide Pang, made a film called "Bangkok Dangerous," about a deaf-mute Thai assassin. After the Pangs came to Hollywood, they remade "Bangkok Dangerou...

Sleepwalkers

You can tell Stephen King was losing his touch when he wrote "Sleepwalkers." It's a story about shapeshifting vampires who require the life force of young virgins to stay alive, and what does King cal...

The Manitou

Another week, another cookie-cutter piece of junk from the Hollywood assembly line. Can't they ever come up with anything new? No, of course not. Instead, we get "The Manitou," about a woman who has a...

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

After Steven Seagal's first movie, "Above the Law," was a hit, he quite reasonably assumed he could continue to make the same film over and over again without anyone getting tired of it. Even the titl...

Virus

Ever since man first gazed heavenward and sought to explore the outer reaches of space, he has been troubled by one forbidding thought: What if an alien life form commandeers our spacecraft, uses our ...

The Island of Dr. Moreau

"The Island of Dr. Moreau" begins with three men adrift on a life raft, dying of thirst. Two of them fight, stab each other, and fall into the ocean, where they continue fighting until a shark arrives...

Exorcist II: The Heretic

"The Exorcist" contains one of the most chilling accounts of demonic possession in all of history, but there is another incident even more disturbing. It is reported that shortly after the film was re...

Rambo III

After the success of "First Blood" and its sequel, "Rambo: First Blood Part II," Sylvester Stallone was stymied. His character, monosyllabic killing machine John Rambo, had already defended himself ag...

The Apple

Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus are a pair of Israeli cousins who have turned up frequently in Eric's Bad Movies, thanks to their uncanny ability to make awful films very cheaply and very quickly. They...

Baby Geniuses

Sometimes we gaze into the eyes of an infant and wonder what secrets lie in its precious, innocent little mind. Perhaps babies hold the keys to all life's mysteries, if only we could become more child...

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Unlike "Friday the 13th," which was lousy from the beginning, the "Nightmare on Elm Street" franchise started out scary. Who wouldn't be afraid of a prune-faced man who visits you in your dreams and m...

American Ninja

Everyone knows that ninjas were super-stealthy spies and assassins who operated in Japan hundreds of years ago. But what if there were ninjas TODAY? And what if one of them were -- stay with me here -...

Jaws 3-D

"Jaws" is an entertaining and suspenseful blockbuster from 1975 about a shark that is punished for acting like a shark. The film is very scary. Afterward, many people were afraid to go anywhere near R...

Heartbeeps

Today Andy Kaufman is best remembered as a stand-up comedian who specialized in finding ways to annoy or confuse his audience rather than amuse them. Evidently this was a lucrative career path. But th...

Hercules (1983)

One of cinema's most enduring characters is Hercules, the lovable Greek strongman who was the son of Zeus and had the special power of being able to lift heavy things and unscrew stubborn lids. He has...

Body Rock

September 1984 was an uneasy time in our nation's history. The breakdancing movie "Breakin'" had been released, but its follow-up, "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo," was still three months away. "Beat S...

House II: The Second Story

In the 1980s there was this weird trend of making sequels that had nothing to do with the movies they were supposed to be sequels to. "Halloween III: Season of the Witch" was entirely separate from th...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

In discussing "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation," it would be easy to dwell on the film's failure to include even one chainsaw-related death. So let's do that. Three people die in the movi...

Superman III

"Superman III" may be a terrible movie, but I admire the way the filmmakers stuck to their guns. Many of us, given the opportunity to make a Superman film, would be tempted to include some scenes of t...

D-War: Dragon Wars

Every year, hundreds of low-budget films are released on DVD without having played in theaters first. This is usually due to theaters not wanting them. "Ew," the theaters say. "A horror sequel with no...

Night of the Lepus

Ever since someone figured out that small things could be made to appear large by putting them closer to the camera, movies have featured giant animals. Audiences can't get enough of oversized beasts ...

The Pagemaster

Books can take you to magical, far-off places, to lands you've never dreamed of, allowing you to experience all manner of excitement and wonder. I guess movies can do that too, but you wouldn't know i...

Wizards of the Demon Sword

I can't find any evidence that "Wizards of the Demon Sword" was ever screened in an actual movie theater. It seems unlikely. That's like wondering whether the answering-machine tape at your dentist's ...

Cool World

Ralph Bakshi is best known for making "Fritz the Cat," a 1972 film that holds the distinction of being the first animated feature to receive an X rating. What's surprising is that it took until 1972 f...

Firewalker

Surely the hand of fate has guided Chuck Norris throughout his career. When he agreed to star in the film "Firewalker" in the mid '80s, he couldn't have known that several years later he would star in...

Jack Frost (1997)

There were two films released in the late 1990s under the title "Jack Frost." One was a sappy family comedy in which Michael Keaton dies and is reincarnated as a snowman, all the better to first terri...

Frogs

Frogs appears to be a movie about killer frogs, and yet -- and I cannot overstate this -- at no point in the movie are any frogs responsible for the death of any person. There are a lot of frogs in th...

Jack

While some people manage to take bad-sounding ideas and turn them into good films, it's comforting to know that some ideas are so bad they're beyond redemption. Like "Jack," for instance. It's about a...

On Deadly Ground

When the subject of Steven Seagal trivia comes up -- and one could argue that all Seagal-related matters qualify as "trivia" -- even a beginner knows the basics. His first film was "Above the Law"; he...

Dracula 2000 (Eric’s Bad Movies)

I know that in previous columns I have demonstrated a tendency to obsess over a film's title almost as much as its content, and while I strive to overcome that impulse I can't let it go in the case of...

Volcano

"Volcano" is a very famous movie because it happened to come out two months after "Dante's Peak," which was also about a volcano but which, lucky for the makers of "Volcano," hadn't used the word "vol...

Surf Ninjas

Let's say you write a weekly column about bad movies, and that this column is extraordinarily popular and has made you beloved the world over. (LET'S JUST SAY.) Then let's say someone suggests as fodd...

King Kong Lives

Our film this week is from 1986, and it is called "King Kong Lives." "What??" you're saying. "No he doesn't!" King Kong fell off the Empire State Building in 1933, or off one of the Twin Towers in 197...

The Next Karate Kid

If there is one thing we learned from Mr. Miyagi in "The Karate Kid," it's that you can heal a broken leg by rubbing your hands together and then touching it. Countless lives have been saved with this...

Death Wish: The Face of Death

In 1974, movie audiences were enchanted by "Death Wish," a delightful romp in which a man named Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) goes on a killing spree after his wife is murdered and his daughter raped....

Leonard Part 6

For every George Clooney who makes the transition from a successful TV career to a successful film career, there are a hundred Bill Cosbys who never manage to do anything other than star in self-title...

Meteor

In the very likely event that you have not seen the 1979 disaster film "Meteor" and do not wish to have the entire plot spoiled for you, please avert your eyes from the following paragraph! A five-...

Two of a Kind

You can imagine how excited people in Hollywood were after the enormous success of "Grease" in 1978. "Wow!" they must have thought. "We can make millions of dollars just by sticking John Travolta and ...

Stone Cold

Brian Bosworth was a football star at the University of Oklahoma in the mid 1980s before spending two disappointing years with the Seattle Seahawks. He followed this with a disastrous movie career, st...

Sleepaway Camp

I never went to summer camp as a kid. Neither did anyone else I knew. As far as I could tell, it was one of those things that movie adolescents did that real kids didn't, like showering after high-sch...

Troll

One of the hazards of renting an apartment instead of owning a home is that there's a chance you'll move into a building where there's an ancient troll living in the laundry room. This is common knowl...

Krull

It is absurdly difficult to make a good movie about sword-wielding medieval types who cast spells and wear tunics. It is even harder when one of your main characters is a magician who turns himself in...
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