Eric D. Snider

Eric D. Snider's Blog

Archive for November, 2006

Eric Recommends: ‘Thanksgiving Night’

Wednesday, November 29th, 2006

“Thanksgiving Night,” by Richard Bausch. Bausch is evidently a writer of some renown, but I hadn’t heard of him until his latest novel, “Thanksgiving Night,” was recommended to me. It’s a wonderfully written, marvelously redemptive piece of fiction about several characters in a small Virginia town whose lives intersect in the weeks before Thanksgiving. A married couple find their relationship in trouble; an elderly priest wonders if he’s right for the priesthood; two old ladies argue over the house they share; the man they’ve hired to do some work on it faces his own demons, and his grown-up daughter, a single mom, tentatively embarks on a new relationship. All of these people are looking for love and acceptance, and it’s quite lovely — not to mention sparklingly entertaining — to read.

I want to quote a passage I like a lot. It’s our first introduction to Brother Fire, the old priest. His name is technically pronounced “fear-ay,” but years ago his fiery demeanor earned the more common pronunciation, and it stuck:

Fact is, he likes the name.

He also likes mornings when the sun breaks through the fog, wind that shakes leaves out of the trees, lightning forking across a summer sky, rivers — all waters, really — plants, animals, birdsong, the roar of lions, music of every type, drums, all the kinds of coffee and tea, cats, dogs, horses, paintings of people bustling by on city streets, paintings of flowers, all the sculptures of Bernini, flying buttresses, those great red sequoias in Northern California, Northern California itself (for the wines), wine, white and red but mostly the reds, especially Italian, the Shenandoah Valley, presidential politics, philosophy, the poetry of John Berryman and Gerard Manley Hopkins (he sees the affinity between them), and, of course, all of Shakespeare. But above everything, he likes people. He loves people. The sweetest music to him has always been the sound of another human voice. What for all others would be the most unattractive, nerve-grating accent pleases him for the fact of its contribution to the happy proliferation of human notes. He enjoys others, not in the abstract way of, say, a Lenin or a Trotsky — though he has always been decidedly leftward-leaning in his politics — but in a very specific and direct way. When you talk to him, you have an immediate sense that he is interested in your benefit, and that you can tell him everything, even when, as it is in the confessional, what you have to report is sordid and full of failure and contradiction. He will tell you — and mean it — that the sign of contradiction is the center of Christianity, that the cross itself is the first sign of contradiction, and that the human condition is in its way similar to that of Christ: that contradiction of being both God and man, and alive on the earth; of possessing an eternal soul yet living in a body that dies. It is all meaning. And meaning, for Brother Fire, is what gives a measure of majesty to ordinary lives. He’s uncomplicatedly convinced of his own ordinariness, and so, when he speaks to his parishioners, this simple faith in that fact and in their charity convinces them, brings them forth in a welter of love, a sweet dependency. His gift, above all else — above the humor and the good nature with others and the charm — is acceptance.

Not only do I find that paragraph splendidly written, but its theology and philosophy feel sound, too, reassuring and comforting.

On the next page, we learn that Brother Fire’s upbringing by decent parents “taught the boy that striving for goodness was inherently goodness itself.” Striving for goodness is inherently goodness itself. Isn’t that profoundly true? If you try to be a good person, you are a good person, because only a good person would bother trying.

The book has a lot of that kind of wisdom blended into its stories about common people and their common struggles. I’m glad I read it — and over Thanksgiving weekend, too, coincidentally.

Perfectly Harmless Instant Messenger Statements That Will Get You in Trouble If the Government Is Spying on You

Monday, November 27th, 2006

Perfectly Harmless Instant Messenger Statements That Will Get You in Trouble If the Government Is Spying on You

i thought my jokes about congress would kill, but they totally bombed

my dad’s gonna blow up at me when he finds out i helped toilet paper that white house down the street

she kept hijacking the conversation during the whole plane trip! it drove me crazy! i wanted to kill myself and everyone onboard!

my science teacher, mr. alkayda, has farts that are like chemical weapons

i am going to murder president george w bush

Friday movie roundup – ON A WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

We’ll have to make this quick, ‘cuz it’s 2 a.m. and I have to get up at 5 to catch a plane to California for Thanksgiving. (You see, I’m in such a hurry that I couldn’t even spell out the word “because.”)

Most of this year’s holiday offerings are actually pretty good, which is always a pleasant change of pace. There is one notable exception, but we’ll deal with that momentarily.

“Deja Vu” is solidly entertaining. Ironically, despite the title, the movie actually DOESN’T seem familiar. It’s quite original.

“The Fountain” is Darren Aronofsky’s long-awaited follow-up to “Requiem for a Dream.” It’s a mesmerizing film, but one without an easy-to-grasp linear plot. People either love it or hate it. I’m more in the “love” category (well, “like a lot”). But I won’t be offended if you see it and hate it.

“Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny” has some hilarious moments and some dead ones, too. Tenacious D is a one-joke band, and the film is a one-joke movie. That joke can be pretty funny sometimes, though.

Finally, there’s “Deck the Halls,” most assuredly the worst Christmas comedy I’ve ever seen and one of the lousiest films of any genre of 2006. I know some of you enjoy my reviews of awful movies, and I have to say, I kinda let “Deck the Halls” have it with both barrels. If “Deck the Halls” were a person, I would probably feel bad now. But then, if “Deck the Halls” were a person, I would have it charged with assault.

Kurt Vonnegut once said: “Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.” The quote has been applied to movie critics, too, usually by people who have made bad movies and wondered why the critics savaged them. All I can say is that sitting through an awful movie can be sheer TORTURE, especially when you know you CAN’T WALK OUT. You’re stuck there until the stupid thing is over. When that happens, writing a scathing review can be cathartic, a way of getting the poison out and letting the healing begin.

On that note, happy Thanksgiving!

Hyperbole much?

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

At the Internet Movie Database, users are invited to register and post mini-reviews of any film they choose. I was tickled by this one, of the upcoming film “The Fountain.” As you read it, picture James Lipton of “Inside the Actors Studio” (or, if you prefer, Will Ferrell’s “SNL” impersonation of him) reciting it.

“The Fountain will go down in history as being the most poignant film of this Century. Dealing with many thoughts and themes most will be compelled to see this classic again and again. It leaves one with their soul on edge. Cunning in performance and production this masterpiece will certainly be on the short list for Oscar nominees. Hugh and Rachel have taken Life by the Spirit and Ran. Darren Aronofsky has surpassed all those critic’s who have said it could not be done. His creation here will put him in the record books for being the most daring insightful director of our times. The themes that resonate here will shake the being of our younger generation. This film must be seen as soon as it comes out for it will certainly be crowded at the box office.”

I’m still formulating my review of the film (look for it tomorrow), but I’m pretty sure I didn’t love it THAT much. In fact, I can’t think of ANY movie that would inspire that level of praise. (Most poignant film of the CENTURY?! To paraphrase the musical “Ragtime,” it’s only 2006, and there are 94 years to go!)

Sometimes studio shills post favorable reviews on IMDB to generate buzz. Maybe that’s what this person (“playpossum,” of Washington, D.C.) is. Or maybe he or she just really, really, really, really, really loved “The Fountain.” I mean REALLY.

For your manscaping needs

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

This Web site for a useful new product, the Norelco Bodygroom, made me “LOL,” as the kids say.

First of all, the fact that a company is marketing a trimmer specifically for a man’s chest, back, shoulders, and “other” areas is intriguing. And this site shows remarkable savvy on the part of the marketing department. There’s no dancing around the issue with vague euphemisms. They get right to the point, using a robe-wearing spokesman with a smug “I’m a handsome man” voice to explain in simple terms what the shaver can be used for.

Note: While they bleep out the spokesman’s more anatomically explicit descriptions, the language and general tone is still PG-13.

‘Must-See TV’ to apply to Thursdays again

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Here’s some momentous scheduling news. Starting Nov. 30, NBC’s Thursday night lineup will be as follows: “My Name Is Earl,” “The Office,” “Scrubs,” and “30 Rock,” with “E.R.” still finishing the night in the 10 p.m. slot.

Take a moment to ponder that two-hour chunk of comedy. If I were to name the 10 funniest shows currently on TV, those would be four of them. A couple of them would be in the top five. These are four consistently funny, smart, and non-condescending comedies. None of them use canned laughter. All of them are sharply written and well-acted.

NBC owned Thursday nights for comedy through the 1980s and ’90s with such monster hits as “Cheers,” “The Cosby Show,” “Seinfeld,” and “Friends.” But the two-hour block hasn’t featured four quality shows since 1987, when the lineup was “Cosby,” “Family Ties,” “Cheers,” and “Night Court.” Since then, there was has always been some crap like “Caroline in the City” or “The Single Guy” wedged in between the good shows. The stellar new lineup is the best block of comedy in 20 years, on NBC or any other network.

Unfortunately, while all four shows are critically beloved, none of them are major ratings hits. The most popular is “My Name Is Earl,” which typically falls around 45th place with about 9 million viewers. In a just world, these four shows would be in the top 20 every week. But we do not live in a just world. Not yet, anyway. If we all watch NBC on Thursdays starting Nov. 30 (and stop watching “Two and a Half Men” altogether), perhaps the world will become just.

(OK, if I were to name the 10 funniest shows currently on TV, they would be, in alphabetical order: “Campus Ladies” [Oxygen], “Curb Your Enthusiasm” [HBO], “Family Guy” [Fox], “Help Me Help You” [ABC], “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” [FX], “My Name Is Earl” [NBC], “The Office” [NBC], “Scrubs” [NBC], “South Park” [Comedy Central], and “30 Rock” [NBC].)

Friday movie roundup – Nov. 17

Friday, November 17th, 2006

A cartoon that’s different from most other cartoons this year, plus a new entry in a series that had previously become too cartoonish. It’s cartoon week at the movies!

First up, Daniel Craig is in as the new James Bond in “Casino Royale.” People who care too much about this sort of thing were FREAKING OUT about Craig, saying he was too a) blond, b) wimpy, c) short, or d) something else to play the part. Personally, I couldn’t have cared less, but let me just say that while there’s no denying Daniel Craig has blond hair and is not particularly tall, he is by far the meanest, grittiest, toughest Bond EVER. In other words, the best.

The movie is pretty good, too, though not as good as Craig himself. I was ready to give it an “A” for about the first hour, and then it lost steam. Overall, though, the franchise feels refreshed and invigorated. And the inevitable scene where Bond gets captured and tortured … WOW. I’m still feelin’ that one.

Far less full of torture and mayhem is “Happy Feet,” a cartoon about a dancing penguin. It’s daft Australian humor from the man behind “Mad Max” and the “Babe” movies, and it’s a curious blend of music, comedy and surrealism. Me likey.

Me don’t know if me likey “Let’s Go to Prison,” because they didn’t screen it for critics. That usually means it’s awful, but this one has a good cast, a good director, and a trailer that makes me laugh. So we’ll see.

Since next week is Thanksgiving, the new films will open on Wednesday instead of Friday. There’s a metric buttload of them, too, so put your movie-going hat on! To accommodate that, next week’s “In the Dark” — your weekly e-mail of reviews, DVD releases and other movie stuff — will be sent out on Wednesday, returning to the regular schedule the following week.

Contributions from viewers like you help keep EricDSnider.com on the air!

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

I always feel like a loser doing this, but if feeling like a loser were a deterrent for me, I’d never get anything done. This site (EricDSnider.com, if you’re lost) requires time and money to operate, yet very little time or money ever flows back into it. So maybe you’re wondering how you can help support the site? The ways are many.

- Buy stuff. There’s merchandise, you know, over here at the merchandise page, reasonably priced and just as reasonably entertaining. Many other people have bought this merchandise with no noticeable ill effects.

- Support our advertisers. When you click on a link to Amazon, we get a tiny kickback — even if the thing you buy wasn’t the item you originally clicked on. As long as you got to the site from EricDSnider.com, it counts.

So next time you’re thinking of doing some Amazon shopping, come here first, click on any Amazon link anywhere on the site (almost every movie review has one), and THEN do your shopping.

Or better yet! Replace your current Amazon bookmark with this one. That link takes you to the Amazon homepage with the EricDSnider.com code already built in. We’ll get credit for it even though you didn’t actually come here first. Sneaky!

And if you haven’t already joined Netflix, may I suggest you do so? And may I also suggest that you click on the link I just gave you when you do?

- Be an advertiser. If you’ve got something to pimp, be it merchandise, a service, or a Web site of your own, you can do your pimping here. For $10 you get 5,000 impressions — 5,000 pairs of eyes seeing your ad, seeing that you’ve chosen to advertise on such a classy site, seeing that your product/service/Web site must surely be a thing of refinement. Text ads in “In the Dark” are available, too. In either case, you can e-mail me for details.

-Just give us money. You know how sometimes you just want to throw some money around without actually getting anything in return? We get that feeling all the time. If such a mood should strike you, feel free to donate a couple bucks here. (That link is also found under the “Buy Stuff” tab on the navigation bar at the top of every page.)

Remember, the more money the site brings in, the fewer mind-numbing articles about knee-length shorts I have to write.

Bad 9-11 poetry: ‘Freedom Flight 93,’ ‘Our Nation Weeps’

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

A couple more poems written by Utahns in the days after 9/11, submitted to the newspaper I was working for at the time. (For more background, read the previous entries in this category.)

Freedom Flight 93
by Crystal Ann Pett

Just like a normal day,
I felt the sun arise me with it’s rays.

And from my heart, I felt such joy to be
-a father of 3-

With little time I rushed to catch my flight,
Oh! how could I have known, natures tender call would take me from this life!
…My pregnant wife
Oh! to hold her just once more and feel her love!

Dear God above…

My life can save so many from this fate,
If it’s not too late,
Oh, please hear me now
Before I take this fatal call;

Send strength to those called after me to fight
FOR FREEDOM’S LIGHT

(CHORUS)

A light that’s shined for us this long
It bares the song
Of those who died to keep this country strong

For generations, their sacrifice has been this countries joy.
And now they call out from the dust to re-employ…
It’s time again to fight
FOR FREEDOM’S LIGHT

(end of chorus)

May our deaths bring out the soldier part
Inside every true American heart
That as this Plane steers down to it’s tragic final blow,
May American resolve with heavens wings aglow
Find justice still in this different war
And rekindle Freedoms flame, each time we see our dear flag soar.
That bravery will abound and courage will take root
And through Liberty’s aim our soldiers will shoot
At the heart of terror till it bleeds it’s last drop
Proving God is on FREEDOM’S side and the American heartbeat can NEVER stop.

Let terror be warned by the down of this flight,
you CANNOT dim our FREEDOM’S LIGHT!

(CHORUS)

For our children, God, please send them peace
As we fight for freedoms heavenly goal
That regardless of race, religion or sex,
Each soul can chose which direction they go

Be with our future generations
To calm their fears and answer their questions
Give them faith to believe
Good will triumph over evil
And courage to keep their dreams alive,
As we fight to pay for Freedom’s bill
Help keep laughter in their song
And heavens promise in their sight
Let this flight go down in victory
To strengthen FREEDOM’S LIGHT

[The designation of "CHORUS" leads me to believe these are song lyrics and not a poem, but the author did not submit music to accompany them, and it would be a strange song indeed that used the verb "re-employ" in its chorus. I would propose singing the lyrics to an already-written, familiar tune, but the fact that each line is a different number of syllables and the stanzas are randomly composed of anywhere from one to 10 lines makes me suspect no such tune exists.]

* * * * *

Our Nation Weeps
by Brandon Heaton

[This note accompanied the poem.] Written on September 11, 2001, the day the World Trade Twin Towers in New York City were attacked by two hijacked airliners and destroyed. This was an act of Terrorism where many thousands of people were killed or injured.

It is a quiet day,
For there is nothing to say.
Our country is in silence
Because of such violence.

So many people
Have lost their lives,
Such as Grandparents, children,
Husbands and wives.

I wonder so deeply
Way down in my heart
Why would those people
Tear families apart?

Why did it happen?
Nobody knows.
Who in this world
Would stoop so low?

We have been attacked
But it did not break our backs.
We will find who did this
And bring them to justice.

Now is the time
To come together.
We must remember
This day forever.

[I appreciate the author's explanatory note at the beginning. Often, we would receive poems about 9/11, read them, and then go, "What the heck was 9/11?!? Was it some kind of big important day or something??"

Also, note the clever rhyming of "did this" and "justice." It's hard to get away with that, but I think he pulled it off.]

Angry Letter: Dumb people don’t like having their dumbness pointed out

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

Because I was tired of people asking me for celebrities’ e-mail addresses — even though nothing on my site implies I would have them — I put a warning on my e-mail page saying this:

STOP: If you are going to ask Eric how to contact a celebrity, DON’T. Eric has no such information for ANY famous person. If you ask him anyway, despite this warning, Eric will write back and tell you how stupid you are. And he’ll be right to do so.

There has been a distinct drop-off in e-mail-address requests since then, but I do still get one occasionally. And when I get one, I do indeed respond and tell the person how stupid he or she is.

Here is the latest:

Hi! I just want to know the e-mai adress of elizabeth winstead. Plaese! Can I have it?? I promise I will not give it to anyone because I also care for her privacy.. Please reply! She is really beautiful and I like her very much. I just want her to be my friend. I’m one of her biggest fans!! I would really appreciate your kindness!!

From,
Angel

I replied:

The page you just e-mailed me from says this:

[I repeat the above-quoted warning.]

So: You’re a very stupid person. It says specifically that I don’t have contact info for any celebrity, and yet you asked me anyway. That is stupid.

Eric

Angel replied:

Oh!!! I’m sorry and CHILL!!!! Don’t call me stupid bcoz i’m not been raised as a stupid one bcoz im studying and im a scholar and also a valedectorian!!!!! So please be careful of your words!!! Bcoz some1 is being hurt!!!! Thank u, anyways!! For your politeness!! And remember that im not stupid! its just a simple question though!!! I asked only for the e-mailadd of mary elizabeth! You can reply Nicely!!DUH!!! Who are you anyway and are you close to mary elizabeth winstead???

Sigh. All that, and she STILL thinks I know Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s e-mail address. I don’t even know who she is! (An actress, apparently. I’m guessing she was in a movie I reviewed, but I don’t feel like looking her up.)

Subscription Center

Eric D. Snider's "Snide Remarks"

This is to join the mailing list for Eric's weekly humor column, "Snide Remarks." For more information, go here.

Subscribe

Eric D. Snider's "In the Dark"

This is to join the mailing list for Eric's weekly movie-review e-zine. For more information on it, go here.

Subscribe
 
Come read about baseball and web development at www.jeffjsnider.com