If you’re going to get into a car accident, as I did tonight, the best place to do it, as I did tonight, is in the street right outside your apartment. That way, even if your car is no longer drivable, as mine is not, at least you don’t have to call a tow truck. You can just push it back to the curb where you normally park it, and where it had been parked 13 seconds earlier.

(Answers to follow-up questions: No one was hurt, the airbags didn’t even deploy, I only have liability coverage for my clunker car, my car had much worse damage that the BMW that hit me, and I don’t know whose fault it will turn out to have been. I say it’s his, but he technically had the right-of-way, so who knows.)

Here is an e-mail I received in response to my review of “Apocalypto.” The writer did not sign his name, but his e-mail address says “xtopher.” Of course, when I replied to it, the e-mail bounced back as undeliverable, so perhaps it’s a fictitious address. Still, we’ll assume his name is Christopher, or Xtopher, if he prefers.

I read your review of ‘Apocalypto’ and wanted to let you know that the movie did quite well for it’s first weekend, $14.1 million from Friday to Sunday. [Even if $14.1 million really were a great opening-weekend score, which it isn't, and even if financial success meant a film was good, which it doesn't, it would still be a moot point for this e-mail, considering I LIKED the movie and gave it a B grade.]

I get the feeling you don’t like Mel Gibson at all. Am I wrong? I’m thinking your movie review is waaaay biased by your hatred toward the man. Are you Jewish? Did you hate him before the “tirade” earlier this year? Sounds like you hated Passion as well. Pretty obvoius that the way people went out to see Passion it was abviously well received by audiences. I suspect this one is pretty good too.

Let’s look at your personal attack comments:
It is the work of a crazy person, a raving lunatic whose name is Mel Gibson.
it’s hard not to become disgusted with Gibson’s arrogance and megalomania

As I said your waaaay too biased to review this movie.

Next!

Now, I have a policy of not debating the content of movies with people who have not seen them. But this letter is more about Mel Gibson than it is about “Apocalypto”; plus, Xtopher’s sentiments were echoed by a few people who posted comments on the review on this site. To wit:

Mercy, Eric. You seem to hate Mel like he does the Jews. I can’t help but compare you to mother who is excessively dissapointed in her boy’s work. Why all the references to what Mel likes? I did not see slapstick humor in the previous two movies you noted. Futhermore why on earth would you spend your opening lines on belittling the man instead of examining the movie. Why? I can’t help but think that this movie was reviewed with the blinders of prejudice on… Whatever they are. Okay, here it is. I dont know what to think of the movie because you just sound angry and nonprofessional. That’s all.

And:

Judge the film, not the character of the man who made the film, Eric. It is very obvious that you are biased and extremely emotional towards the man, hence, you lost you objectivity. Your feelings about Mel and your rational effort to analyze and critique the film are all mixed up. I find it unacceptable. You are consumed by the “mindless” words of a man in drunken stupor. So I feel sorry for you.

I guess I didn’t do a very good job expressing myself if this many readers got the wrong idea from the review, so I’ll elaborate now. Before seeing “Apocalypto,” I had no strong feelings about Mel Gibson one way or the other. I got that he was anti-Semitic from his now-legendary DUI incident, and I was amused by that whole trainwreck. But honestly and truly? No strong opinions about him. Just another celebrity, albeit a rather fascinating one in recent months.

And then I saw “Apocalypto.” My description of Gibson as crazy, arrogant, megalomaniacal, and loony is the result of THE MOVIE. It is not how I felt about him before; it’s how I felt about him after watching the movie, which makes it perfectly suitable fodder for a film review. Watching the movie, I thought: My goodness, this is the work of a crazy person! And I think if you watched “Apocalypto” without knowing who made it, you’d think the same thing: Whoever made this film is NUTS!

So “why all the references to what Mel likes”? Because it’s a review of a movie that Mel made, for crying out loud! Would it not be relevant in a review of a Michael Bay film to say that Michael Bay likes making stuff blow up? Or to mention in a Steven Spielberg review that Spielberg has often used fractured families and poor father-son relationships as fodder? When a director has themes that have recurred in his previous movies, it’s quite appropriate — expected, even — to point them out when they appear again. This is especially true if, as in “Apocalypto,” the director has wedged one of his favorite themes (i.e., slapstick comedy) into a place where it doesn’t fit, to the detriment of the movie.

No, there is no slapstick comedy in “Passion of the Christ” or “Braveheart,” nor did I say there was. (I cited those two films as examples of violence — and actually, it’s been too long since I saw “Braveheart” to recall if maybe there wasn’t some frat-brother type of jocularity among the Scottish in the early scenes.) But there is in many of the films Gibson has starred in, and he’s mentioned numerous times in interviews that he’s a fan of the Three Stooges and all that. I don’t think Gibson’s fondness for slapstick comedy is a matter of dispute, and since it’s so out-of-place in “Apocalypto,” it seemed useful to mention it. It’s in there not because it works, but because Gibson likes it.

No “Snide Remarks” today, kids, I’m sorry to inform you. I didn’t have enough time this week to develop anything good. Back next week, though.

In the meantime, enjoy this mugshot of actor Rip Torn, taken when he was arrested for drunken driving last Monday afternoon.

This Friday movie round-up thing is becoming obsolete what with the podcast and all, but I suppose it’s still a handy place to glance at this week’s new titles.

“Apocalypto” is a crazy, bloody adventure from America’s favorite raging alcoholic Jew-hater.

“Blood Diamond” makes you feel guilty for buying diamonds, though it does so with solid acting and interesting characters.

“The Holiday” is a romantic comedy in which Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet trade houses and each fall for a local guy.

“Unaccompanied Minors” is about kids stuck in an airport on Christmas Eve. Hilarity ensues.

You can subscribe to the “In the Dark” podcast by giving iTunes this URL. Or, if you prefer, you can listen to it right here:

IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO BE CLICKING ME

Thanks for listening! Enjoy your weekend of movie-going and Christmas shopping and whatnot.

As regular readers will recall, this feature began after I was inexplicably pestered by Raven-Symone fans who wanted her e-mail address, despite there being no earthly reason to think I would have it. Weary of them, I finally registered a fake address — symone.raven@gmail.com — posted it here, and CLEARLY STATED it was not hers. I assumed people would ignore that disclaimer and write to it anyway, and how right I was.

But one unexpected side effect of publishing those letters here has been that now, when Raven-Symone’s stupid fans stumble across these blog entries, they’ve started writing messages to her and posting them as comments. That’s right: At the end of the blog entries mocking people who write fan letters that the celebrity will never, ever read, people are posting comments directed to that same person. Like the e-mail address was phony, but for sure this blog is the REAL way to get in touch with Raven-Symone.

(By the way, those comments get deleted by the moderators, not posted. That’s why you don’t see them, and why writing a fake “funny” one in the hopes of getting it posted won’t work.)
Anyway, here’s another big steamin’ batch of illiteracy.

Continue reading…

Two more poems written by Utahns in the days after 9/11, submitted (unsolicited) to the newspaper I was working for at the time. (For more background, read the earlier entries in this category.)

By the way, we only have two more editions of this feature before the well runs dry. So those who don’t like it only have to be forced at gunpoint to read it twice more after this.

Ballad of 9/11/01
by Andrea Dietrich

[Note: This poem was apparently meant to be a song, as the word "ballad" in the title suggests. Conveniently, I note that it can be sung to the tune of the "Gilligan's Island" theme song. Sing away!]

A bright blue Indian summer morn.
An unexpected jolt.
Hundreds instantly massacred
On day of thunderbolt.

Workers in the tower’s twin
Who gaped in disbelief,
Minutes later too were hit
That day of horror and grief.

By radio and TV show
The news was quickly spread.
The world was left incredulous.
A day for feeling dread.

And still the killing wasn’t done.
Before our nations’ eyes
The Pentagon was next attacked
That day of sad surprise.

Back to the scene in Manhattan,
Some folks were stuck in rooms
of towers with tops obscured by smoke.
That day of shadows and gloom.

And some, choosing not to face the fire,
Jumped to their deaths in fright.
People screamed or averted their eyes.
A day of hideous sights.

But no, the worst wasn’t finished yet.
South Tower did collapse
As people fled down crowded steps.
Oh, day to flabbergast!

Of those on the outskirts looking on,
Many met with the same tragic fate.
Police and firemen who rushed in.
Oh, day to commiserate.

And rendering hope was Father “Mike”,
Unvanquished by helplessness,
Who died will giving a brother last rites.
Oh, day of selflessness.

In the midst of rubble and ash and flame
And calls to evacuate,
The northern tower came crumbling down
On day of hasty escape.

As people spilled out onto the streets,
Their lungs filled with debris,
They sobbed for loves most likely lost.
A day of melancholy.

Meanwhile were martyrs in nearby skies.
We heard with sympathy
How Flight 93 had crashed on ground
On day of infamy.

But striking in difference from other events,
Though all were senselessness,
Strong acts of heroics were doubtless employed
That day of defenselessness.

The terror receded. Our president spoke.
We listened to what he would say.
From home and abroad he rallied support
On a day to ponder and pray.

A might giant has been awoke.
And its hand is beckoning.
Faceless cowards cannot hide long
On this daybreak of reckoning.

* * * * *

Love Will Always Prevail
author unknown

[This one's clearly meant to be a song, too, with a chorus and even a bridge. I don't know what tune it can be sung to, though. Any suggestions?]

You show your hatred
You give us pain
But we always find a way to love again
You cause destruction
You tear apart
But you’re never gonna stop our beating heart

Cause America
Is built on Love
And the heart of this land will never fail
When all is said and done
We will still be #1
Because Love will always prevail

We’ve been scarred
By you before
And I’m sure America will see some more.
But your hatred
Can not compare
With the love your gonna see this nation share

‘Cause America
Is built on Love
And the heart of this land will never fail
When all is said and done
We will still be #1
Because Love will always prevail

Try to tear us apart and watch us pull together
America’s heart will keep beating forever

Cause America
Is built on Love
And the heart of this land will never fail
When all is said and done
We will still be #1
Because Love will always prevail

This is one of the most baffling angry letters I’ve ever received, and an alarming indictment of our education system. I literally had to read it three times before I could figure out what it meant.

First, the e-mail’s subject line: i thought of little man was wrong!!!

And then the e-mail:

I thought Little Man was pretty funny and well put together.
But I thought your opinion was stupid and unreasonable , because your opinion about scary movies was “While I found myself laughing at quite a bit of “Scary Movie” which I didn’t it was a movies thrown with ignorant comments and scenes. I won’t lie “Little Man” had the same scene with a little ignorants to, but it was well put together.

Now, if the person who wrote this e-mail (”Martha Walker,” according to her return address) were a sentient human being with even modest language skills, here is what she would have written. At least, this is my best guess at an interpretation:

“I thought ‘Little Man’ was pretty funny and well put-together. Your opinions are invalid to me because you liked ‘Scary Movie’ (from the same writers and director as ‘Little Man’), saying in your review, ‘I found myself laughing at quite a bit of “Scary Movie.”‘ I thought ‘Scary Movie’ had a lot of ignorant comments and scenes. [I didn't know how to translate that.] I admit, ‘Little Man’ had a bit of that, too, but overall it was good.”

I am glad we live in the Internet age. Fifteen years ago, this person could have communicated with me only by writing a letter, and surely that process — writing something by hand, addressing an envelope, mailing it, etc. — would have been beyond her capabilities.

Do you like “Snide Remarks”? Sure, we all do. But sometimes actually READING it can be such a chore. Your eyes have to scan across the page, and then then neurons have to send signals to the brain to interpret the meaning of the letters and symbols and translate them into sentences. Whew! Isn’t there an easier way?

There is now, Hector! Today begins the new “Snide Remarks” podcast, a feature in which I read the text of each week’s column out loud for you, thus saving the wear and tear on your eyes. I’ve always said that if I could, I would come to everyone’s house and just read the column to them. And now I believe that prophecy is being fulfilled. We truly live in a blessed era.

Today’s episode, featuring today’s column, can be heard right here:

CLICKETY CLICK CLICK CLICKERS

To subscribe on iTunes, give it the URL indicated on the right-hand side of this page, where it says “Snide Remarks” Podcast Feed.

Thank you in advance for listening! If you notice any awkward pauses in my delivery, it’s where I was leaving space for laughter. Please accommodate me by laughing at those points.

I don’t know who you are. When people click an Amazon link from this site and subsequently buy something, I get a small kickback. I know what items were purchased, but I have no way of knowing who bought them.

The commission percentage is usually around 6.5 percent. So on a typical DVD, for example, I make maybe a dollar.

But you, pencil-buyer, you needed some Tri-Conderoga Triangular Pencils, No.2, 12/BX. I don’t know what this is. Some sort of pencil, obviously, but one that costs $6.25 for a box of 12. That’s a lot per pencil. Perhaps the pencils have magical powers. Whatever the case, you bought 18 boxes, and I earned a total of $7.28 on the deal, making it most profitable single purchase of the quarter. For this I thank you.

Hey! This bandwagon just pulled up outside my house, and I figured I might as well jump on it! At the bottom of this post is a link to the very first edition of the “In the Dark” movie review podcast!

That’s right, kids, a podcast, just like all the hipsters and fancy-pantses are doing. I’m still sorting out what the content of each Friday’s ‘cast will be, but essentially, it will be an audio version of “In the Dark,” with reviews of the new films and stuff like that.

This first one is 13 minutes long, and it feels too long to me. I’ll probably work on that in the future. (Since I don’t listen to any podcasts regularly, I truly don’t know what a good length is.) I might also try to get some guests with me now and then, just so my voice isn’t the only one you hear. Let me know if you have other ideas for what you think the “In the Dark” podcast should contain.

Click on the link below to listen to this week’s edition. Also, if you click on “‘In the Dark’ Podcast Feed” in the right-hand column of this page, that’s the URL that you can use to subscribe to it in iTunes.

CLICKY-CLICKY-CLICKY

(P.S. Will there someday soon be a podcast of “Snide Remarks,” too? You never know….)

UPDATE: We’ve fixed the problem with the file size. It was huge before, and now it is smaller. Also, it’s now hosted on EricDSnider.com instead of some anonymous third-party site. Not that it matters to you, but still.