Angry Letters: ‘Eragon,’ ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,’ miscellaneous
With the advent of comment-posting technology, people don’t send me angry e-mails as often as they used to. Now they can just batter their flippers against the keyboard and post their ignorance directly to the site for all the world to see!
Luckily, a few old-fashioned souls still appreciate the warmth of a personal, private e-mail. For example, here is this one, from someone who hated the “Eragon” movie and for some reason thought I was the director of it:
Your a panzey!!!!!!!YOUR THE WORST DIRECTOR EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought a person can skrew up a movie that bad.
Why would someone read my very negative review of “Eragon” and conclude that I, Eric D. Snider, was also the director of “Eragon”? I mean, because he or she is stupid, obviously, but there must be more to it than that.
This next e-mail actually was intended for me personally. It comes from someone named Seth, at e-mail address godowar@aol.com. I’m including his address because when I responded to his concerns, he never replied, and I thought maybe we’d have better luck if some of you e-mailed him.
I don’t know what, specifically, Seth had read on my site, but it caused him to say this:
I stumbled upon this website and I can only wonder, why should anyone care what you think? Why name a website after yourself when nobody knows who you are? [What do you mean nobody knows who I am?! I directed "Eragon" for crying out loud!] And why rate movies when you’re not a person with any sort of knowledge about the industry? This really confounds me. You could ask why I’m taking the time to write this, but this email will take me maybe a minute of my time, whereas you spend your whole life fiddling away with a website thats not even getting you babes (I’m guessing from the LDS singles link at the bottom of your page, here). If I were you, I’d go do something useful for mankind rather than making snipes about popular culture that nobody is going to read.
Obviously, I wrote something that made Seth very, very angry, and he lashed out at me in retaliation. But what could it have been? Which movie review did he disagree with? Which column did he find unfunny? Did I ever write a column called “The Mother of Seth, at godowar@aol.com, Is a Flatulent Whore”? No! No, I did not! So why all the hate, Seth? Why?
(By the way, Seth nearly answers all of his own questions. Obviously I’m getting SOMETHING out of this, or I wouldn’t be doing it. Maybe that “LDS singles” link is a paid link, and that’s part of what I get out of being a writer, i.e., money. Think these things through, Seth! Think!)
Finally, several years ago I watched the 1990 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” film and wrote a review of it. I believe it was part of a friendly competition we were having at Hollywood B****slap where we would watch bad films and see whose reviews were the most entertaining. Some people have recently discovered this review, deep in the archives here at EricDSnider.com, and have posted dissenting opinions about it. And then a hardy soul named Jeff sent me an e-mail directly:
If you new anything about the TMNT, [which I do not; he says that like it's a bad thing] you would know that Splinter was a human before he turned into a rat and he is the one that taught the turtles English. As for the comment about April being average at best, that’s way off. Taking into consideration the style at the time, April was a babe. How can you possibly search for non-realistic flaws in a movie aimed at children. For one, it’s a movie, and two, if it was realistic then it wouldn’t make much sense to have big ass turtles and a rat walking around, would it? Lighten up and appreciate the TMNT for what they were: A great franchise that stands above the rest.
Jeff makes the claim that Splinter the rat was a human first. Now, I couldn’t know for sure without re-watching the movie (which I have no intention of doing), but I could swear I remember the rat and the turtles cavorting in the same radioactive material. Is Jeff saying the rat was a human before THAT? And if that’s the case, did the movie ever tell us that? Again, these are questions for someone who has seen the movie more than once, and I will never qualify for that category.
As for TMNT being “a great franchise that stands above the rest,” I can only guess at what Jeff means by that. Does he mean TMNT is better than ANY other series of movies, or just that’s it better than any other series of comic-book-based movies? He’s obviously wrong either way, of course — I think even the stupidest movie fan will tell you that the “X-Men,” “Spider-Man,” and “Superman” films are better than TMNT — but I’m curious just how wrong he is.
I guess I could e-mail him back and ask him, but it wouldn’t work. The angry-letter people never reply when I ask them for clarification.
P.S. If any of you hear back from Seth at godowar@aol.com, let me know what he says!
March 27th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Before siccing your fans on someone, you should read this:
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/johncheese/prankjail1.htm [Contains lots of profanity.]
Mostly because it’s really funny.
March 27th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
>>What do you mean nobody knows who I am?! I directed “Eragon� for crying out loud!
March 27th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Actually Eric, the rat’s mutation was the movie’s attempt at rationality. In the comics which spawned the TMNT movies (then later TV show and other comics less dark than the originals) Splinter was originally a human. Which makes about as much sense as any of the rest of the story (even though I did love the movie).
March 27th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Not that I’m a geek or anything, but…
In the early 90′s TV show, Splinter was first a man than a mutant rat.
In the movie, he was first a rat, than a mutant rat.
I’m not sure how they did it in the original comic strip, nor in today’s TV show. I’m not THAT big of a geek, you know.
March 27th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
So MAYBE its a paid link? I’m sure it is actually, I’m just underwhelmed imagining the vast wealth that must be flowing in from the link to the LDS singles site.
March 28th, 2007 at 3:52 am
Well, I *am* that big of a geek so I know that Splinter was always a rat, but he was *owned* by a martial arts expert which is where he learned his stuff.
You can read the first few issues of the comic for free here-
http://www.ninjaturtles.com/comics/mirage/one/pg01.htm
Basically the original story made as much sense as a story involving glowing goo which makes animals intelligent and massive possibly can. It is also worth noting that the whole thing started as a Daredevil parody and has never been “serious”.
March 28th, 2007 at 8:10 am
Ok, I’m sorry, but this needs to be settled now.
In the comics, Splinter was originally a pet rat of a martial arts master, who mimicked (no I’m not kidding) his master’s moves while he was in his cage. Then he got hit with the radioactive ooze, which turns animals human-ish. They used this plot in the movie, also.
In the cartoons, the ooze was supposed to turn you more like whatever you last touched. So, the turtles were pets of some boy, and he dropped them in the sewer accidentally, where they hit the ooze. Thus, they became like humans.
Splinter was this human martial arts master who lived in the sewers for some reason, so he was always playing with rats down there. When he touched the ooze, he turned more like a rat.
How do I know this? I was born in 1978, and I have man-parts. Thank you.
March 28th, 2007 at 8:30 am
I clicked through the LDS singles site because I wanted to compare and contrast the format to other match-making sites. Glad my anthropological curiosity made you some money.
Seth’s POV was/is likely influenced by one of three things:
1) inebriation
2) unhappiness from other parts of his life, leading to the need to send ad hominem attacks from an aggressive, hyperbolic email address (godowar? I think not – and don’t tell me it’s a game – that doesn’t matter) to a person he’s never met; or
3) internet, er, ehm, jerkwad theory. For a profane version of this one, please see http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19 . But, I ask you, please do not click if you are offended by coarse language. The meat of it is: normal person + relative anonymity + audience = total jerkwad.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
I don’t care what anyone says, April from the first TMNT movie was a dog, pure and simple. I loved that movie when it came out but that was in spite of April, not because of it. Had April actually been cute, I would have married that movie.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Skizat said: “How do I know this? I was born in 1978, and I have man-parts. Thank you.”
There are so many great zings that could be said in response to this statement…. In the interest of not offending Skizat, even for the sake of comedy, I will refrain.
I just want you to know that I feel your pain, Skizat. I often find myself enlightening people around me to the vast back stories of certain comic book characters that get neutered and/or completely disrespected by cartoon and movie makers.
March 29th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Oh crap! I never remember to pay you for that link. If you or your fat brother would set up recurring billing on PayPal — I can’t set up recurring PAYING, you see — we wouldn’t have this guilt.
I wouldn’t, rather.
The link is for Google-bombing, not for actual clicking. But thanks for clicking anyway.
March 31st, 2007 at 2:26 pm
In the comics/graphic novels, Splinter was a rat owned by a martial artist. The ooze turned him into a big humanoid rat just like it turned the turtles into big humanoid turtles.
In the 80s cartoon series, he was a human turned into a rat-human by the ooze because rats were what he had come in contact with last.
Though the movies were heavily influenced by the cartoon series, they used the comic book origin for Splinter, and not the cartoon one. So movie-Splinter was always a rat.
For the purposes of this angry letter, Eric was right and Jeff was wrong. Everyone laugh at Jeff. Or laugh at me for knowing that bit of trivia… take your pick.