Humorous cereal: the gift that keeps on giving
Today the mailman brought me a package postmarked Orem, Utah. I know plenty of people there, but the name and address were unfamiliar. Was this the mail bomb I’ve been expecting for so long?
I opened the package to find a lovely card addressed to me, and a beautiful gift bag. I read the card. It said, in part:
I loved your “Muckoo for Mocoa Muffs” column. Imagine my delight when, that very day, I walked into Harmon’s grocery store and saw the best-named fake Cheerios ever on the end-cap of one of the health food aisles. I bought a box, intending to send it to you, but I have a little procrastination problem and am only just getting around to it.
Inside the gift bag was a box of Perky O’s. Yes, Perky O’s! The frosted variety, under the Perky’s brand name. The box declares the cereal “gluten & nut free,” “vitamin fortified,” and “vegan.” The back of the box boldly claims that Perky O’s “have all the taste, convenience and nutrition of the leading O-shaped cereal,” though all three of those claims are false. I know they don’t taste as good as Cheerios, they’re not as convenient because they’re not for sale in as many stores, and they have 3 grams of fat per 3/4 cup serving compared to 1 gram of fat in a whole cup of Frosted Cheerios. But hey, no gluten or nuts! Just like me!
I was delighted by the kitschy gift, which was from a married couple named Holly and Joel. They also included a donation for the Web site support fund, which was extra-nice of them. But I think I’m happiest about the cereal. Perky O’s! What a great name! They taste awful, of course — a lot like styrofoam packing peanuts — but still, the name. Perky O’s! That would be a good name for a cereal made with percocet. Mmm… percocet….
Anyway, thank you Holly and Joel for the nice surprise on this blustery spring day!
April 19th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Sorry, but I’ve got that beat. We bought a box of Corny Toots at a dollar store in Palmyra a few years ago. The cereal was a knock-off of Corn Pops, and tasted terrible, as might be expected from the name, but I believe we saved the box somewhere, just because…
April 19th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Too bad they didn’t get you the Apple-cinnamon Perky-O’s. They are much better than the Frosted version. Say what you want about the name, but my four year old son who can’t eat gluten is sure grateful they make these. I generally just go for the puffed Millet, myself.
April 19th, 2007 at 9:26 am
“I generally just go for the puffed Millet, myself.”
I don’t think I have ever heard another statement that made me so sad….
On the other hand, “Corny Toots” is such an amazingly horrible cereal name that my mirth overcame the puffed millet sadness very quickly.
April 19th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Blast you, Eric Herman! Way to one up me. Corny Toots is hands down the best name for a cereal ever. You should dig up that box and put it on display in your kitchen.
My sister was diagnosed with Celiac disease a few years ago, so I have become well acquainted with gluten-free food. Quite often it’s awful. My sister rushed excitedly into a family party last year, a bag of cookies in each hand, and said, “I found some delicious gluten-free cookies!” She eagerly handed us each one and we obediently ate them. They tasted like sweetened sand. Apparently a year and a half of no “real” cookies had impaired her judgement and/or tastebuds.
April 20th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Just saw a box of Freaky Fruits in a store today. Almost bought it… thought better of it.
April 20th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Okay, maybe it’s just me, but the word perky is only ever used to describe an overly happy and bouncy person or overly bouncy… um… you know.
Giggle-inducing for sure, this cereal is.
April 21st, 2007 at 12:27 pm
When I was in Taiwan, I found “Choco Crack”. I thought that was the best name I’d ever seen (it was like Cocoa Pebbles).
August 28th, 2007 at 8:39 am
On my mission I found Yogi Bhajan’s Peace Cereal with Gingko Biloba (or whatever it’s called). It had all sorts of motivational stories on the inside and outside of the box encouraging people to eat their cereal.
January 14th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Where can I buy Choco Crack other than Taiwan?!?!?