“Cavemen” (Tuesdays, ABC): This laugh-track-free sitcom about a race of cavemen who live in modern society isn’t the televisiopacolypse we thought it would be … but it’s not particularly good, either. The pilot episode was screened earlier this year and immediately excoriated by everyone who saw it as stupid, unfunny, and racist: Apparently, every time they said something about “cavemen,” you could just replace it with “black guys.” So ABC sent the show back for “retooling” and came up with this largely inoffensive version. The premise is that cavemen are just another race of people living among us … a race that, yep, still kind of resembles stereotypes about black people. Some homo sapiens women have a “thing” for cavemen, who are wilder, better lovers; the cavemen’s Texas-accented landlady thinks they all look alike; some cavemen are opposed to intermarrying with homo sapiens; etc. I got a few chuckles out of it, which is a few more than I was anticipating. But still. TiVo verdict: I’m even a Geico customer and I’m not gonna watch this.

“Carpoolers” (Tuesdays, ABC): Now HERE’S your awful sitcom! It’s about four guys who carpool to and from work every day. They kind of socialize outside those 90 minutes a day, too, and we’re privy to their unoriginal domestic travails, which do not appear to be very funny, if the pilot is any indication. And what’s with the names? The four guys are called Laird, Dougie, Gracen, and Aubrey, and one has a son named Marmaduke. What? TiVo verdict: Begone, evil one!

I know a lot of you are big fans of Stephenie Meyer’s book “Twilight” and its sequels, about the teenage girl who falls in love, as so many of us have, with a vampire. (I liked the first book quite a bit, though some of the swoony-teenage-girly parts weren’t my cup of tea, and I haven’t read the others yet.) You may be interested to know that a director has officially signed on for the movie adaptation: Catherine Hardwicke.

Hardwicke is actually a really good choice. Her first film, “Thirteen,” was all about teen-girl angst and frustration. Her second was “Lords of Dogtown,” also about teenagers and also presented realistically and honestly. Her most recent was “The Nativity Story,” which was kind of a bust. But it did have a teenage girl as its protagonist!

The “Twilight” screenplay adaptation will be by Melissa Rosenberg. Apart from her contribution to the silly “Step Up” last year, she has some good sci-fi/fantasy cred, as well as experience with teen romance. Her IMDB entry lists episodes of “The Outer Limits,” “Birds of Prey,” “Dark Skies,” AND “The O.C.” and “Party of Five.” Oh, and Showtime’s current serial-killer series “Dexter.” Sounds like a good fit to me.

No idea yet when the movie is supposed to start filming, but it’s presumably set to be released next year.

(P.S. Apparently this news has been available to people who visit Stephenie Meyer’s website for more than a month, but Variety just got around to reporting it last night. I confess I visit Variety.com more often than I visit StephenieMeyer.com. This should be corrected.)

The official 10th anniversary of “Snide Remarks” was last week, but that doesn’t mean we’re through commemorating it with a “Snide Remarks” Classic every Wednesday. No sir or madam! We’ll keep it up until 2007 is over, and maybe even into 2008, although probably not, since we’ll have run out of good columns worth revisiting by then.

This week’s nugget is “Ten Little Idiots,” from Oct. 4, 2004. It tells of a trip I made to Las Vegas to see my friends perform in a community theater play. It mentions my friends Pants, Mrs. Pants, and Luscious Malone, all of whom have different names in real life. The noms de column are part of their mystique!