Eric D. Snider

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Archive for December 22nd, 2008

Flight canceled – I cannot go …

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Flight canceled – I cannot go home for Christmas. :-( I have written an open letter to Mother Nature:

An open letter to Mother Nature

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Dear Mother Nature:

You are a filthy whore. You are a wanton, depraved trollop devoid of all virtue. Your scandalous harlotry surpasses human understanding. So utterly putrid are your offenses that decent humankind is sickened by the vile rankness that emanates therefrom.

I have always admired your beauty and majesty. I have respected your power. I have sought to avoid the needless sullying of your pristine charms.

And this is how you repay me?

With the worst snowfall Portland has seen in a decade, just before Christmas, just in time to cancel every flight out of Portland International Airport?

I, who have done you no wrong, am to be prevented from being with my family on Christmas Day because of YOUR rancid excretions. I, who have never polluted your oceans or befouled your forests, and who usually remembers to recycle his newspapers, am to be denied the fellowship of my family for one reason and one reason alone: because YOU chose to void your infernal bowels and contaminate the land with over a foot of your heinous ordure.

“Can’t you just get a flight on standby?” I hear you ask, your raspy strumpet’s voice scratching across your cankerous lips. You and I both know that you caused most flights Saturday and Sunday to be canceled too, putting me in line behind hundreds of others also seeking standby seats. You know full well that any flight lucky enough to escape the now ruined precincts of this once fair city will be filled to capacity with the fortunate souls who happened to book tickets on it in the first place, accompanied by at most one or two standby passengers. You heard the representative from the airline tell me that, quite frankly, I don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting on standby anytime before Dec. 26 — an ironic choice of euphemism, given that your perverse actions have turned Portland into an unholy admixture of both snow and hell.

Do not think that your fiendish abominations will go unanswered, Mother Nature. From this moment forward I shall litter your beaches with Styrofoam, set fire to your prairies, and defecate in the walking paths of your state parks. You are now my sworn enemy, you malevolent shrew, you noxious harridan, you shameful, scabrous, fetid she-whore. May the glad tidings of the season find you grief-stricken and forlorn, and may you never cross me again or so help me I WILL END YOU.

Most sincerely,
Eric D. Snider

Things the movies taught us in…

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Things the movies taught us in the second half of 2008:

New ‘Snide Remarks,’ new ad pimping

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Having done a column in July about things we learned at the movies in the first half of 2008, it was only proper that I should do another one now, covering the second half of the year. That is, as you know, how I roll.

Speaking of movies, allow me to draw your attention to an ad that’s been running on this site for something called Cowrite. This is a contest where basically a screenplay is being written by committee: Given a basic premise for a movie, you write what you think should be the first 10 pages of the script, the judges choose the best entry, it gets posted online, and then people can submit the next 10 pages (having read the first 10, of course), and so on, until the story is finished. Each of the biweekly winners gets $3,000 cash and prizes, and theoretically the final product will be shopped around and maybe get made into a movie that I will write a bad review of, because honestly, who ever heard of a screenplay written by 11 people being any good?

But the point is, it sounds like fun if you’re at all serious about getting some screenwriting experience, and it could be lucrative. Personally, coming up with ideas is always the hardest part for me, so having the basics already laid out is appealing to me. So perhaps I shall enter and WIN and then write a good review, at least of the part of the movie that I wrote.

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